New story up - 11ch so far - Keen for some feedback please!

[JasonMarino]

Aetherborn

A warlock bond. A demon girl. Reluctant allies in a city on the brink. Xander Sullivan tends bar by night, teaches philosophy by day, and tries to keep his head down. Until Halloween, when a supernatural riot tears through Bay Uni—and triggers magic he didn’t know he had....

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A warlock bond. A demon girl. Reluctant allies in a city on the brink.

Xander Sullivan tends bar by night, teaches philosophy by day, and tries to keep his head down. Until Halloween, when a supernatural riot tears through Bay Uni—and triggers magic he didn’t know he had.

Now he’s bonded to Kara, a fiery demon girl with a sharp tongue, a lethal whip, and zero interest in playing sidekick to a man she never chose.

They’re stuck with each other, hunted by factions eager to exploit them—or erase them.

He didn’t ask for this power. She didn’t ask for him. But the truth behind what binds them is more dangerous than they imagined.

It’s not love. It’s survival. With attitude.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Postitves: Grammar seems okay, I don't see any glaring issues. A couple of run-on sentences, nothing horrible. Some of the detailing good. You did a fine job of describing the Succubus.

The rest? I found it uninteresting to read. Bland and boring. Main character alone was the typical - I brood in the dark and hate the world type - cliche and shallow.
Bars aren't 3 ft or a yard in width, and unless Xan is 42 - then Emma can't be remotely close to half his age.
Werewolves acting a fool at the end is another whole level of cliche and shallow.

I'm just going to leave it with those thoughts.

Oh, I only read chapter 1.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

 

[Leti]

Have you posted your request on Tempokai's thread yet?

Webnovel Feedback Roasts For the Fearless

Are you one of those brave souls who believe your manuscript is teetering on perfection but still wake up at 3 a.m. knowing deep down it’s a disaster? Good. You’re my favorite kind of writer. I’m here to roast your work—scorch it until the ashes look usable. Think of me as the Gordon Ramsay of...

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[TheIcMan]

Have you posted your request on Tempokai's thread yet?

Webnovel Feedback Roasts For the Fearless

Are you one of those brave souls who believe your manuscript is teetering on perfection but still wake up at 3 a.m. knowing deep down it’s a disaster? Good. You’re my favorite kind of writer. I’m here to roast your work—scorch it until the ashes look usable. Think of me as the Gordon Ramsay of...

forum.scribblehub.com

What a terrifying sentence

 

[JasonMarino]

Postitves: Grammar seems okay, I don't see any glaring issues. A couple of run-on sentences, nothing horrible. Some of the detailing good. You did a fine job of describing the Succubus.

The rest? I found it uninteresting to read. Bland and boring. Main character alone was the typical - I brood in the dark and hate the world type - cliche and shallow.
Bars aren't 3 ft or a yard in width, and unless Xan is 42 - then Emma can't be remotely close to half his age.
Werewolves acting a fool at the end is another whole level of cliche and shallow.

I'm just going to leave it with those thoughts.

Oh, I only read chapter 1.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

...thanks?

 

[Mx.Author]

This isn't law or whatever but


*Paul wove through the bar toward me, wearing a shirt stitched from fresh green leaves—subtle, for late fall.*

You introduce Paul doing an action, and then his clothing, which, if a person was actually seeing Paul, it be the reverse. They'd immediately see his clothing, and then react/witness his actions.
Not to say you can't have someone do an action first and then describe their appearance or whatever, but it feels like the text is lacking some thoughtfulness in how things flow together and it's making things hard to read for me.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

This isn't law or whatever but


*Paul wove through the bar toward me, wearing a shirt stitched from fresh green leaves—subtle, for late fall.*

You introduce Paul doing an action, and then his clothing, which, if a person was actually seeing Paul, it be the reverse. They'd immediately see his clothing, and then react/witness his actions.
Not to say you can't have someone do an action first and then describe their appearance or whatever, but it feels like the text is lacking some thoughtfulness in how things flow together and it's making things hard to read for me.

If the narrator already knows Paul, then describing the action first, and only remembering to tack on his appearance after the fact, makes sense. If this is their first meeting, then absolutely the clothing (especially if it is unusual in-universe) would be the first thing mentioned.

 

[Mx.Author]

I'm not saying they can't do it, I'm just using it as an example for my point to the vibe the text gives to me.