need some feedback of the 2 first chapters I've wrote.

[SunJelly]

been cooking up this story for a lot of years and just now I've decided to write it.

Elegy Riding Crimson Winds

Long ago, something happened, something that made the brown fur a mark of shame, disgust, and also fear. Kurashiro Wuzai was born with it. He is child of nobility treated like dirt. A mouse with a rotting heart, overflowing with pride he can’t justify and self-hate he can’t...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[HisDivineShadow]

Dude, I haven’t read your story, but that cover? I suggest changing it and seeing what happens. Also, the synopsis kind of turned me off.

 

[TheIcMan]

Question before I go into it: is this supposed to read like a fable/fairy tale?

 

[Fairemont]

Good technical skills.

Sets a solid tone.

Feels like it meanders or goes in circles with the content a bit more than it needs to. Likes to reiterate certain things several times more than required.

Hmm... it does feel like it lacks something in the first two chapters. The story is almost like a montage, just glossing over things and trying to set up the story before digging in, but it left me looking for something to latch onto.

Overall: pretty darn good.

Synopsis and cover could use an update. Neither are doing you favors.

 

[DeepWater]

Didn' like it. Simple as

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Read the synopsis and chapter 1.
In going to make this short. 639 words and a healthy chunk are used to talk about dreams and the sun.
Not to mention it reads like Dr. Seuss.

---

WOULD YOU EAT THEM IN A BOX?
WOULD YOU EAT THEM WITH A FOX?

NOT IN A BOX. NOT WITH A FOX.
NOT IN A HOUSE. NOT WITH A MOUSE.
I WOULD NOT EAT THEM HERE OR THERE.
I WOULD NOT EAT THEM ANYWHERE.
I WOULD NOT EAT GREEN EGGS AND HAM.
I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM-I-AM.

WOULD YOU? COULD YOU? IN A CAR?
EAT THEM! EAT THEM! HERE THEY ARE.

I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT, IN A CAR.

YOU MAY LIKE THEM. YOU WILL SEE.
YOU MAY LIKE THEM IN A TREE!

I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT IN A TREE.
NOT IN A CAR! YOU LET ME BE.
I DO NOT LIKE THEM IN A BOX.
I DO NOT LIKE THEM WITH A FOX.
I DO NOT LIKE THEM IN A HOUSE.
I DO NOT LIKE THEM WITH A MOUSE.
I DO NOT LIKE THEM HERE OR THERE.
I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANYWHERE.
I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM.
I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM-I-AM.

If you mean for it to be a child's tale, then it's great. If you are trying for a real love story for a mouse, then it needs to read like one.
You spend more time with dreams, the sun, the other mice talking about him, then the main character himself. And that's supposed to be the chapter that grabs our attention.

Be well.

 

[SunJelly]

Dude, I haven’t read your story, but that cover? I suggest changing it and seeing what happens. Also, the synopsis kind of turned me off.

i changed it, hope you like it

Question before I go into it: is this supposed to read like a fable/fairy tale?

No

Good technical skills.

Sets a solid tone.

Feels like it meanders or goes in circles with the content a bit more than it needs to. Likes to reiterate certain things several times more than required.

Hmm... it does feel like it lacks something in the first two chapters. The story is almost like a montage, just glossing over things and trying to set up the story before digging in, but it left me looking for something to latch onto.

Overall: pretty darn good.

Synopsis and cover could use an update. Neither are doing you favors.

thanks! I've updated both the synopsis and the cover. In the earlier chapters I am trying to showcase the main character and do some lil world building there and there

Read the synopsis and chapter 1.
In going to make this short. 639 words and a healthy chunk are used to talk about dreams and the sun.
Not to mention it reads like Dr. Seuss.

---

If you mean for it to be a child's tale, then it's great. If you are trying for a real love story for a mouse, then it needs to read like one.
You spend more time with dreams, the sun, the other mice talking about him, then the main character himself. And that's supposed to be the chapter that grabs our attention.

Be well.

Thanks for the feedback!

 

[TheIcMan]

Read the synopsis and chapter 1.
In going to make this short. 639 words and a healthy chunk are used to talk about dreams and the sun.
Not to mention it reads like Dr. Seuss.

---

If you mean for it to be a child's tale, then it's great. If you are trying for a real love story for a mouse, then it needs to read like one.
You spend more time with dreams, the sun, the other mice talking about him, then the main character himself. And that's supposed to be the chapter that grabs our attention.

Be well.

This is straight facts. It reads like a child's book and/or a Bible story. It's like... There's no story here. It's just a montage, as far as chapter one is concerned. It's telling everything instead of showing some things.

"This is how everyone feels about each other". It's not engaging. And the dialogue is just... Meh. Those are some entitled sounding slaves. I know there's some desensitization of that word with web novels, but still. Slaves talking mad shit? I guess. That attitude would make more sense with lowly servants. But that's part of the problem isn't it. What kind of slaves are they? What kind of classist society is this? Can't just throw out that word as if it's all encompassing and expect people to just nod.

I need to see scenes. I need to see action. And not in the zoomer brain rotted way of "if no pew pew why bother". Stuff needs to move and happen. Telling the motivation of your protagonist right away? In a vague void of narration? Not a good look for me. I need to see that in action. I need to see the character in action. I can't just buy into it with just this. There needs to be more... In general. Descriptions, scenes, and character are lacking. This needs to be beefed up in every way.

No

Don't shortchange your first chapter. I'm not for filling word count out just to make it seem long and reach a quota that everyone else reaches. But if you can't make enough stuff happen with less than a thousand words, then you need to expand. And I'm saying this because I've been there and I continue to write less than what should be on the page.

Also that cover is much better than what was there before.

 

[SunJelly]

This is straight facts. It reads like a child's book and/or a Bible story. It's like... There's no story here. It's just a montage, as far as chapter one is concerned. It's telling everything instead of showing some things.

"This is how everyone feels about each other". It's not engaging. And the dialogue is just... Meh. Those are some entitled sounding slaves. I know there's some desensitization of that word with web novels, but still. Slaves talking mad shit? I guess. That attitude would make more sense with lowly servants. But that's part of the problem isn't it. What kind of slaves are they? What kind of classist society is this? Can't just throw out that word as if it's all encompassing and expect people to just nod.

I need to see scenes. I need to see action. And not in the zoomer brain rotted way of "if no pew pew why bother". Stuff needs to move and happen. Telling the motivation of your protagonist right away? In a vague void of narration? Not a good look for me. I need to see that in action. I need to see the character in action. I can't just buy into it with just this. There needs to be more... In general. Descriptions, scenes, and character are lacking. This needs to be beefed up in every way.

Don't shortchange your first chapter. I'm not for filling word count out just to make it seem long and reach a quota that everyone else reaches. But if you can't make enough stuff happen with less than a thousand words, then you need to expand. And I'm saying this because I've been there and I continue to write less than what should be on the page.

Also that cover is much better than what was there before.

Immediately started re-writing the chapters after I've seen this 2 hours ago, I'll take what you and others suggested into account and leave the "looking for something to latch onto." vibe that Fairemont appreciated. Thanks for the help!