Feedback for novel

[Chumchum]

Hey everyone! I just uploaded the first 5 chapters of my yaoi story and would love for you to check it out. If you're into BL and want to dive into something new, I'd really appreciate your thoughts and feedback!

Even the devil will obey

Elijah Ferraro, a kind-hearted baker, has spent years quietly grieving the loss of his brother in Verona. But his peaceful existence shatters when he stumbles upon a bloodied, unconscious stranger one night in a dark alley. The man is Alessandro Di Verdi—the heir to a powerful and violent Mafia...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[FieryLou]

Link?

 

[Chumchum]

Link?

Even the devil will obey

Elijah Ferraro, a kind-hearted baker, has spent years quietly grieving the loss of his brother in Verona. But his peaceful existence shatters when he stumbles upon a bloodied, unconscious stranger one night in a dark alley. The man is Alessandro Di Verdi—the heir to a powerful and violent Mafia...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Yuin]

Hey everyone! I just uploaded the first 5 chapters of my yaoi story and would love for you to check it out. If you're into BL and want to dive into something new, I'd really appreciate your thoughts and feedback!

Even the devil will obey

Elijah Ferraro, a kind-hearted baker, has spent years quietly grieving the loss of his brother in Verona. But his peaceful existence shatters when he stumbles upon a bloodied, unconscious stranger one night in a dark alley. The man is Alessandro Di Verdi—the heir to a powerful and violent Mafia...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi! I’ll just drop some feedback here:

- The synopsis is okay, but I feel like it gives away the entire storyline. Maybe hold back some background information and let it unfold gradually in the chapters instead.
- When I first scrolled through Chapter 1, the paragraphs felt a bit clunky. However, the writing isn’t too complex. It’s more “telling” than “showing,” which made it a quick read.
- The plot line is quite predictable. I’ve read a lot of BL, and there are many similar ones out there, so it was easy to skim through in just a few minutes.
- That said, your writing style feels more like a storyboard for a manhwa than a traditional novel. There’s a lack of emotional depth, and the story moves very quickly because you’re stating events directly rather than showing the characters’ trauma through scenarios.
- Overall, the idea is there. It’s not particularly unique aside from your own take on names and terminology, but it’s an easy-to-follow concept that could appeal to many readers.

 

[Chumchum]

Thanks I’ll try to work on it

 

[Aurimaz]

I'm not into BL, but I applaud your initiative...