THE BEGINNING OF IT ALL: The day of Calenmir’s assumption – CH22

[thepetalobox]

hello sincerely i am a bit overwhelmed, i could use the sincere opinion of other readers to know if there is a good or bad guy in the story, i have been creating it since i was 8 years old and i care a lot about the narrative.



I would love to receive opinions, whether they are contrary or not, the important thing is not to keep anything back, because I made some changes in the narrative style from the first chapters to the 12th or 16th chapter, I don't know how the style is different, if it pleases or not?

it's seinen so expect some strong stuff.

everything is welcome and thanks for reading, I hope to get at least one person willing to help me in that.

the link is this https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1465764/a-journey-of-nothingness/

 

[Rookieqw]

hello sincerely i am a bit overwhelmed, i could use the sincere opinion of other readers to know if there is a good or bad guy in the story, i have been creating it since i was 8 years old and i care a lot about the narrative.



I would love to receive opinions, whether they are contrary or not, the important thing is not to keep anything back, because I made some changes in the narrative style from the first chapters to the 12th or 16th chapter, I don't know how the style is different, if it pleases or not?

it's seinen so expect some strong stuff.

everything is welcome and thanks for reading, I hope to get at least one person willing to help me in that.

the link is this https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1465764/a-journey-of-nothingness/

Good day to you. Before we start, please keep in mind that I am the worst author around here, capable of producing nothing more than shit when it comes to writing. Take any of my advice with a grain of salt. With that out of the way, let me have a go at your story:

Power in this world I was born into is one of the most revealing themes, because the moment you’re born, destiny assigns you a specific gift. And if you’re born into the lower class, you’ll already have enough work cut out for you.

This sentences are readable, but, IMO, a but clunky and the word born repeats three times. I think:

because at the moment of your birth

Should help break the monotony.

“How’s our daughter?” Pedro asks.

“It’s a boy, Pedro!” María replies.

“Seriously? You’re not thinking this is what I actually wanted, are you?”

“If you want to spend time with your kids, start by dropping your obsession with training them to exhaustion. Look at Nazael and Sacha—all they do is fight and test every spell that pops into their heads.”

“What? That’s not on me. I’m just too strong and a father. They got it from the factory, so don’t blame me. I’m teaching them to control their strength.”

“Stop bragging about your strength. Their magic talent comes from their biological mother. And I hope you’ve told your kids we’re expecting a child together, right?”

This is expository dialogue. It doesn't feel natural. Hm... how to fix, how to fix... Aha!

Look at Nazael and Sacha—all they do is fight and test every spell that pops into their heads.

"You have already spoiled Nazael and Sacha. Instead of chasing girls and boys, they fight and cast spells without a break. I want to be a grandma one day!"

Not much better, but sounds less robotic.

“How’s our daughter?” Pedro asks.

“It’s a boy, Pedro!” María replies.

“Seriously? You’re not thinking this is what I actually wanted, are you?”

Here is the problematic part. Pedro is clearly joking, teasing his wife, so I think using 'jokes' or 'teases' in place of 'asks' is a must to make it less formal.

As for the third sentence... Dunno. It doesn't fit well into dialogue, it doesn't come organically, and I don't know how to replace it. It is as if it is a butler speaking to us, not a human being.

Suddenly, Pedro began:
“My children! I have great news: you’re getting a new baby brother.”

Hearing this, neither child reacted or looked up. Pedro pressed on:
“María and I are having a child together.”
“We heard you, Dad,” Nazael says flatly.
“Aren’t you happy about a new sibling?”
“Already knew. Her belly made it obvious,” Nazael replies.

Pedro chuckles.
“You’re so much like your mother!”

Several problems. First, formatting. It kind of works. It isn't right grammatically, but it clicks to me, as this is a fast exchange. Next. You chose to write in the present tense, but here you are shifting tenses. Pick one and stick to it.

The room tensed with awkward silence. Nazael pushed his chair back.
“Not hungry anymore. Goodnight!”

He teleported away instantly.

“Brother! Brother!” Sacha shouted, but got no reply.

María returned, glanced at Pedro, and mocked:
“Sometimes I wonder how a clueless man like you became Earth’s protector. Shocking, really!”

Sacha giggled before asking:
“Have you picked a name for the baby?”

María and Pedro exchanged looks.
“A name?”
“Right, Pedro. What are we naming him?”
“What? You hadn’t thought about it?”
“You’re his father—he’ll take your name, won’t he? Think of something, you imbecile!”
“…”

“Guess you’re both clueless,” Sacha concluded, teleporting to the moonlit hilltop. At the cliff’s edge, Nazael sat staring at the sky.

This reads like a script to a comic or a cartoon. Not a novel. He teleported, okay, but how? What does it look like? Is it via a portal, a sudden vanishing? If I can't paint stuff in my head (and you haven't given us any descriptions yet), I can't picture the scene.

“Hey.”
“What?”
“You think one of those stars is Mom? Like in the stories?”
“…Probably. If the stories are true, she’s watching and protecting us from up there.”
“I know you’re not happy about our new mom.”
“She’s not our mom.”
“But—”
“She’s not. End of story.”
“Don’t be selfish, Nazael. She’s the only one who eased Dad’s pain and endless thirst for revenge. Now he can smile without faking it—all thanks to her. Give her a chance, or—”
“Leave if you’re gonna rant all night.”
“You’re naïve. Anyway, I’m dead tired.”

She took three steps, then paused.
“It’s a boy, by the way. I’ll train him. He’ll have María’s kindness, not turn into a hollow-headed fool like you.”

“What’d you say?!” Nazael roared, his Ether surging so fiercely the forest trembled.

Sacha grinned sweetly.
“Nothing. Just excited,” she said, waving before teleporting away.

After she left, Nazael muttered:
“I won’t talk to a traitorous coward who abandoned everything. And I refuse to see a human-blooded bastard in my family.”
“Those damn humans… I hate them!”

His rage unleashed a ferocious gale, shaking trees for three kilometers.

This is a solid foundation for the future brewing conflict. The plot is here; you just lack intermediate stuff. Visuals, descriptions, they are the glue to help your story grab ahold of readers and get them into the meat of the story. Don't add too much, or you risk boring them, but don't give them nothing either.

Also, you seemed to have decided on the past tense.

 

[thepetalobox]

Good day to you. Before we start, please keep in mind that I am the worst author around here, capable of producing nothing more than shit when it comes to writing. Take any of my advice with a grain of salt. With that out of the way, let me have a go at your story:



This sentences are readable, but, IMO, a but clunky and the word born repeats three times. I think:

Should help break the monotony.

This is expository dialogue. It doesn't feel natural. Hm... how to fix, how to fix... Aha!



"You have already spoiled Nazael and Sacha. Instead of chasing girls and boys, they fight and cast spells without a break. I want to be a grandma one day!"

Not much better, but sounds less robotic.


Here is the problematic part. Pedro is clearly joking, teasing his wife, so I think using 'jokes' or 'teases' in place of 'asks' is a must to make it less formal.

As for the third sentence... Dunno. It doesn't fit well into dialogue, it doesn't come organically, and I don't know how to replace it. It is as if it is a butler speaking to us, not a human being.



Several problems. First, formatting. It kind of works. It isn't right grammatically, but it clicks to me, as this is a fast exchange. Next. You chose to write in the present tense, but here you are shifting tenses. Pick one and stick to it.


This reads like a script to a comic or a cartoon. Not a novel. He teleported, okay, but how? What does it look like? Is it via a portal, a sudden vanishing? If I can't paint stuff in my head (and you haven't given us any descriptions yet), I can't picture the scene.



This is a solid foundation for the future brewing conflict. The plot is here; you just lack intermediate stuff. Visuals, descriptions, they are the glue to help your story grab ahold of readers and get them into the meat of the story. Don't add too much, or you risk boring them, but don't give them nothing either.

Also, you seemed to have decided on the past tense.

I don't know how to answer you on each part, but thank you very much, I wait for other points of view before I do something, thanks for the effort.
I understood several of the points if it is true that I had and still have a problem with the tenses of the verbs but good advice, for the other thing it is necessary to wait to see if there is another person who leaves me something.

Good day to you. Before we start, please keep in mind that I am the worst author around here, capable of producing nothing more than shit when it comes to writing. Take any of my advice with a grain of salt. With that out of the way, let me have a go at your story:



This sentences are readable, but, IMO, a but clunky and the word born repeats three times. I think:

Should help break the monotony.

This is expository dialogue. It doesn't feel natural. Hm... how to fix, how to fix... Aha!



"You have already spoiled Nazael and Sacha. Instead of chasing girls and boys, they fight and cast spells without a break. I want to be a grandma one day!"

Not much better, but sounds less robotic.


Here is the problematic part. Pedro is clearly joking, teasing his wife, so I think using 'jokes' or 'teases' in place of 'asks' is a must to make it less formal.

As for the third sentence... Dunno. It doesn't fit well into dialogue, it doesn't come organically, and I don't know how to replace it. It is as if it is a butler speaking to us, not a human being.



Several problems. First, formatting. It kind of works. It isn't right grammatically, but it clicks to me, as this is a fast exchange. Next. You chose to write in the present tense, but here you are shifting tenses. Pick one and stick to it.


This reads like a script to a comic or a cartoon. Not a novel. He teleported, okay, but how? What does it look like? Is it via a portal, a sudden vanishing? If I can't paint stuff in my head (and you haven't given us any descriptions yet), I can't picture the scene.


This is a solid foundation for the future brewing conflict. The plot is here; you just lack intermediate stuff. Visuals, descriptions, they are the glue to help your story grab ahold of readers and get them into the meat of the story. Don't add too much, or you risk boring them, but don't give them nothing either.

Also, you seemed to have decided on the past tense.

but in general what did you think of the story ?

 

[Rookieqw]

but in general what did you think of the story ?

It is working material. The MC's rivalry with Nazael is expected, then their potential reconciliation, along with hunting for those who wronged Nazael's mother. The idea for a soup is good, but part of the ingredients is missing.

 

[Tempokai]

I looked at three chapters, and I'd say it's amateur levels of bad. There's no proper quality to it, like you see in proper stories. It reads like it was thrown to ChatGPT to translate from Spanish to English, but it the hallucinated details because it can't break away from the pattern, and you didn't catch when being amazed that it done the intent translation instantly. The script like writing only works if you're writing a script, not a webnovel.

Proper webnovels are not scripts. Webnovels have scenes, characters, and actions of those characters. Because you've written those two chapters without any proper flow, it suffers from the lack of engagement. It is simply boring. If you care a lot about the narrative doesn't mean it will translate to being interesting for other people. You need to persuade them to do it. What I've looked at, all I see that you've writing it for yourself, and that's fine, up until you wrote that you want for others to care.

You must earn your reader with good technical skills, good premise, and good relevance. I don't see any of those three in your webnovel, sadly. Improve, know what you know about storytelling, know what you don't know about storytelling, and improve knowing what to improve. Just writing simply without thinking, even if you "care a lot", it will not improve you.

 

[thepetalobox]

It is working material. The MC's rivalry with Nazael is expected, then their potential reconciliation, along with hunting for those who wronged Nazael's mother. The idea for a soup is good, but part of the ingredients is missing.

ok then I'm fine, it's intentional.

I looked at three chapters, and I'd say it's amateur levels of bad. There's no proper quality to it, like you see in proper stories. It reads like it was thrown to ChatGPT to translate from Spanish to English, but it the hallucinated details because it can't break away from the pattern, and you didn't catch when being amazed that it done the intent translation instantly. The script like writing only works if you're writing a script, not a webnovel.

Proper webnovels are not scripts. Webnovels have scenes, characters, and actions of those characters. Because you've written those two chapters without any proper flow, it suffers from the lack of engagement. It is simply boring. If you care a lot about the narrative doesn't mean it will translate to being interesting for other people. You need to persuade them to do it. What I've looked at, all I see that you've writing it for yourself, and that's fine, up until you wrote that you want for others to care.

You must earn your reader with good technical skills, good premise, and good relevance. I don't see any of those three in your webnovel, sadly. Improve, know what you know about storytelling, know what you don't know about storytelling, and improve knowing what to improve. Just writing simply without thinking, even if you "care a lot", it will not improve you.

ok thanks, I will make the changes.

I looked at three chapters, and I'd say it's amateur levels of bad. There's no proper quality to it, like you see in proper stories. It reads like it was thrown to ChatGPT to translate from Spanish to English, but it the hallucinated details because it can't break away from the pattern, and you didn't catch when being amazed that it done the intent translation instantly. The script like writing only works if you're writing a script, not a webnovel.

Proper webnovels are not scripts. Webnovels have scenes, characters, and actions of those characters. Because you've written those two chapters without any proper flow, it suffers from the lack of engagement. It is simply boring. If you care a lot about the narrative doesn't mean it will translate to being interesting for other people. You need to persuade them to do it. What I've looked at, all I see that you've writing it for yourself, and that's fine, up until you wrote that you want for others to care.

You must earn your reader with good technical skills, good premise, and good relevance. I don't see any of those three in your webnovel, sadly. Improve, know what you know about storytelling, know what you don't know about storytelling, and improve knowing what to improve. Just writing simply without thinking, even if you "care a lot", it will not improve you.

translation, and good premise. ok if someone wants to leave something else I am pending thanks.

 

[FieryLou]

ok then I'm fine, it's intentional.

ok thanks, I will make the changes.

translation, and good premise. ok if someone wants to leave something else I am pending thanks.

You might want to switch to DeepL for translations.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Before we start, please keep in mind that I am the worst author around here, capable of producing nothing more than shit when it comes to writing.

He is lying btw. He is a good author, albeit a bit stubborn about what he writes.

 

[thepetalobox]

You might want to switch to DeepL for translations.

thanks I just solved that problem and it updates the first three chapters.

He is lying btw. He is a good author, albeit a bit stubborn about what he writes.

I noticed it, you can smell it because of its humility at the beginning ajajjjaj

 

[Rookieqw]

He is lying btw. He is a good author, albeit a bit stubborn about what he writes.

No, I am many things, but I try not to lie about my skills. I have objective proof that I am a bad author; the feedback threads where I score the lowest compared to the rest of the authors objectively prove it, as these threads are done by various people. Sure, I am envious, but I don't want others to fail; I want to be as good as them, but the only thing I achieve after rewriting and rewriting is yet another low score. I am the worst author because I can't figure out (not intelligent enough) how to implement the feedback I received to work. What I have written in my current stories is my very best, and it isn't anywhere near to being good, nor is it a reason to feel good as shit is unattractive.

The reason I give my warning is because I can potentially make another trying author into a worse writer through my advice.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

No, I am many things, but I try not to lie about my skills. I have objective proof that I am a bad author; the feedback threads where I score the lowest compared to the rest of the authors objectively prove it, as these threads are done by various people.

You are mistaken - those threads are all SUBJECTIVE. Sure they do point out some common issues, but each time someone gives feedback, it is their own opinion. And even a very informed opinion (such as Tempokai's) is still just that, an opinion, and therefore subjective. And sometimes feedback is based on just part of a story and could be very different from a larger (or, sometimes even, smaller) sampling.

The reason I give my warning is because I can potentially make another trying author into a worse writer through my advice.

Unless your advice is purely on technical merits (spelling issues, obviously missing words/thoughts) then it is still subjective advice and if they follow it or not it is their decision, and if they do make it worse by following it, that may mean more that the advice was poorly worded than that it was wrong (or it was well worded but their ego got in the way and they misconstrued it).

 

[thepetalobox]

No, I am many things, but I try not to lie about my skills. I have objective proof that I am a bad author; the feedback threads where I score the lowest compared to the rest of the authors objectively prove it, as these threads are done by various people. Sure, I am envious, but I don't want others to fail; I want to be as good as them, but the only thing I achieve after rewriting and rewriting is yet another low score. I am the worst author because I can't figure out (not intelligent enough) how to implement the feedback I received to work. What I have written in my current stories is my very best, and it isn't anywhere near to being good, nor is it a reason to feel good as shit is unattractive.

The reason I give my warning is because I can potentially make another trying author into a worse writer through my advice.

It's even more dangerous to throw so much shit on you bro, the only one who will say that you can here is you and then the person who will jump the desire to support your work.

leave it here I want to see your story, to see how it is.

You are mistaken - those threads are all SUBJECTIVE. Sure they do point out some common issues, but each time someone gives feedback, it is their own opinion. And even a very informed opinion (such as Tempokai's) is still just that, an opinion, and therefore subjective. And sometimes feedback is based on just part of a story and could be very different from a larger (or, sometimes even, smaller) sampling.

Unless your advice is purely on technical merits (spelling issues, obviously missing words/thoughts) then it is still subjective advice and if they follow it or not it is their decision, and if they do make it worse by following it, that may mean more that the advice was poorly worded than that it was wrong (or it was well worded but their ego got in the way and they misconstrued it).

you are absolutely right, many times personal tastes enter in the opinions, I always take out the general criticisms now if the one who opines only has a part of the context, he will only have that part to understand in concrete, so if I notice that this something biased, I summarize the most important the opinion I continue with my work but rookie, should not throw evils on himself, nobody is born being the best, and neither the best are the top of the top, they are good and do it very well, in their style of course.

 

[thepetalobox]

"Hey everyone!
I'm thrilled to announce that Chapter 22 is now live! Dive back into the world of Feirham and Astoria as Cleopatra and Calenmir navigate tense alliances and hidden secrets. Things are heating up with Zephyria's invasion looming—check it out and let me know what you think! ? Chapter22