I ask for a feedback for my first ever written sex scene

[GrotesqueHeaven]

Hello. As the thread's title says, I wrote a bigger sex scene in my story and need feedback. Though I already did a few small ones, none of them were as big as this one.

As the scene itself is at the end of the 6th chapter, you can jump right to it, or give the whole story a try. Feedback for the story will be appreciated as well.

The story (link in the image):

 

[Yuin]

Hi! I’ll leave some quick comments on your smut here…
(Don’t worry, I’ll give a proper feedback tmr.)

- I skipped to Chapter 6 and skimmed through. From the interactions alone, I figured out it’s GL. So, I mentally prepared myself and continued reading.
- The sex scene feels more like telling than showing. It comes across as surface-level and mostly there just for the action. The transition into it wasn’t well built. Nicole kind of just jumped into it. I was also a bit thrown off by how overly self aware Nicole was. It echoed my own thoughts a little too closely
- I’ve written sex scenes before, but I tend to focus more on the emotional aspects and use vagueness in the physical actions to create a more intimate, romantic atmosphere.
- The scene felt rather short, like a hit-and-run moment. It wrapped up abruptly with a goodnight hug.
- It’s not bad for a first attempt, but it does feel a bit rushed with 4 kisses, some hugs, insertion, and done. It’s a bit dry in my opinion, though at least the act is clear. (You mentioned it’s a bigger sex scene but it doesn’t feel like so.)

 

[GrotesqueHeaven]

Hi! I’ll leave some quick comments on your smut here…
(Don’t worry, I’ll give a proper feedback tmr.)

- I skipped to Chapter 6 and skimmed through. From the interactions alone, I figured out it’s GL. So, I mentally prepared myself and continued reading.
- The sex scene feels more like telling than showing. It comes across as surface-level and mostly there just for the action. The transition into it wasn’t well built. Nicole kind of just jumped into it. I was also a bit thrown off by how overly self aware Nicole was. It echoed my own thoughts a little too closely
- I’ve written sex scenes before, but I tend to focus more on the emotional aspects and use vagueness in the physical actions to create a more intimate, romantic atmosphere.
- The scene felt rather short, like a hit-and-run moment. It wrapped up abruptly with a goodnight hug.
- It’s not bad for a first attempt, but it does feel a bit rushed with 4 kisses, some hugs, insertion, and done. It’s a bit dry in my opinion, though at least the act is clear. (You mentioned it’s a bigger sex scene but it doesn’t feel like so.)

Well, I can agree that maybe I overdid Nicole's thoughts. I have no idea how to do the emotional aspects or romantic atmospthere at all, to be honest. Also I said it's big when compared to any other smut scene I wrote before. And maybe lack of context made it worse too.

Anyways, thanks for the feedback. From what I got I should do less inner thoughts of characters, other things are more experience based.

 

[Madmcgee]

Hello. As the thread's title says, I wrote a bigger sex scene in my story and need feedback. Though I already did a few small ones, none of them were as big as this one.

As the scene itself is at the end of the 6th chapter, you can jump right to it, or give the whole story a try. Feedback for the story will be appreciated as well.

The story (link in the image):

View attachment 38563

Heya!

I read the full chapter and I think there's a few aspects that sort of stood out to me.

Some, Yuin pointed out, but I almost think there's too much talking, not enough focus on what's happening. If you want it steamy, it's gotta be visceral.

You gotta show what's happening, hair raising on the back of the neck, the tingle across her flesh, the warm, humid breath as it graces across her--well, you get the point. Make your character come alive with how she's feeling in the moment. Get dirty with it, assuming you want to sell it.

Right now, it sort of reads more like a clinical analysis from the outside in, where your gal is having an out-of-body experience and logically 'viewing' what's happening to her.

All an opinion, of course, but there's my two cents!

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Well, I can agree that maybe I overdid Nicole's thoughts. I have no idea how to do the emotional aspects or romantic atmospthere at all, to be honest. Also I said it's big when compared to any other smut scene I wrote before. And maybe lack of context made it worse too.

Anyways, thanks for the feedback. From what I got I should do less inner thoughts of characters, other things are more experience based.

If it's first person, then the inner thoughts make sense, but if it's any form of third person then they can easily take a reader out of the moment (if there's a mistake you can make in a sex scene, I can pretty much guarantee I've made it, either in writing or in real life, and this is one I've made a few times)