Story content opinion and what to improve/change

[Safira]

I've been posting this story have almost a month. I believe I improved thanks to the help of people on Discord and would like to ask for opinions on the story content and sequencing. I finished what would be the "1st part" and is finishing editing what is the second part of the story.


Divergent Effects

I'm posting like 1 chapter per day after learning how to edit and the changes I should apply, so it is getting a steady progress. If you have any tip on how to improve, feel free to comment

 

[FoundForester]

Alrighty, I gave it a read!

First, full disclosure: I have a deep personal grudge against present tense narration. Like, irrational hatred levels. So take my feedback with a tiny, salty grain of "this guy’s got issues."

That out of the way, I award your story 27 Peruvian short hairs out of a possible 123 Tasmanian fire ants.

There's a lot a like and some stuff I don't care for.

The writing’s tight. Dialogue? Snappy. Clean. No unnecessary fluff clogging things up, which is a miracle considering how many web novels feel like they were written by a sentient thesaurus trying to hit a word count.

It’s also refreshingly creative. You’re not just chasing the latest meta, and I appreciate that.

Now, onto the nitpicks:


1. Word Repetition:
You’ve got a bit of an issue of repeating a few words. In Chapter 1, “Fragments” shows up five times within what feels like one breath. In chapter 2 “Crystal” follows right behind with six mentions in a few lines. Might want to mix things up unless you’re trying to summon something.


2. N-dashes Instead of Quotes:
You’re using N-dashes for dialogue. I don’t hate it. But I don’t love it either. It’s one of those things where if you’re gonna do it, make it work stylistically.


3. Plot Direction / Stakes:
Here’s the big one: I don’t really know what the story’s about yet. We’ve got the mysterious crystal disease, family drama, vague implications it might mess up the kids, but after five chapters I still don’t know what we’re aiming for. What happens if the MC fails? Is the world doomed? Will she just get really shiny and sad?


There’s no clear hook. No urgent “oh crap” moment. We need something that makes the reader go: “If this doesn’t get solved, everything’s toast.”


Maybe throw in a scene showing how bad the sickness really is — like someone melting, exploding, or turning into an abstract metaphor. Something to crank up the tension.


TL;DR Advice:
Strengthen the hook. Show us what’s at stake. Why should we care? What’s the path forward? And maybe toss in a splash of action to shake up the pacing a bit.


Overall though, this has a ton of promise — just needs a bit more oomph to really grab readers by the eyeballs.

 

[Safira]

Alrighty, I gave it a read!

First, full disclosure: I have a deep personal grudge against present tense narration. Like, irrational hatred levels. So take my feedback with a tiny, salty grain of "this guy’s got issues."

That out of the way, I award your story 27 Peruvian short hairs out of a possible 123 Tasmanian fire ants.

There's a lot a like and some stuff I don't care for.

The writing’s tight. Dialogue? Snappy. Clean. No unnecessary fluff clogging things up, which is a miracle considering how many web novels feel like they were written by a sentient thesaurus trying to hit a word count.

It’s also refreshingly creative. You’re not just chasing the latest meta, and I appreciate that.

Now, onto the nitpicks:


1. Word Repetition:
You’ve got a bit of an issue of repeating a few words. In Chapter 1, “Fragments” shows up five times within what feels like one breath. In chapter 2 “Crystal” follows right behind with six mentions in a few lines. Might want to mix things up unless you’re trying to summon something.


2. N-dashes Instead of Quotes:
You’re using N-dashes for dialogue. I don’t hate it. But I don’t love it either. It’s one of those things where if you’re gonna do it, make it work stylistically.


3. Plot Direction / Stakes:
Here’s the big one: I don’t really know what the story’s about yet. We’ve got the mysterious crystal disease, family drama, vague implications it might mess up the kids, but after five chapters I still don’t know what we’re aiming for. What happens if the MC fails? Is the world doomed? Will she just get really shiny and sad?


There’s no clear hook. No urgent “oh crap” moment. We need something that makes the reader go: “If this doesn’t get solved, everything’s toast.”


Maybe throw in a scene showing how bad the sickness really is — like someone melting, exploding, or turning into an abstract metaphor. Something to crank up the tension.


TL;DR Advice:
Strengthen the hook. Show us what’s at stake. Why should we care? What’s the path forward? And maybe toss in a splash of action to shake up the pacing a bit.


Overall though, this has a ton of promise — just needs a bit more oomph to really grab readers by the eyeballs.

Thank you for the feedback

Some friends also read the first 3 chapters yesterday and also gave me some good points, also what you said about "What the story is about?"
I had a sketch of an important scene that I would add later, but when I showed it to my friends they all asked why it is not the first chapter lol

Thank you for taking a look. I will also change about the n-dashes to "" . I gave up sticking to it

 

[StoneInky]

I've been posting this story have almost a month. I believe I improved thanks to the help of people on Discord and would like to ask for opinions on the story content and sequencing. I finished what would be the "1st part" and is finishing editing what is the second part of the story.


Divergent Effects

I'm posting like 1 chapter per day after learning how to edit and the changes I should apply, so it is getting a steady progress. If you have any tip on how to improve, feel free to comment

I'll review ittttt!


First Impression:

The cover looks okay. Synopsis too. You could break up the sentences and make em less lengthy so they would flow better, but the actual content looks fine. I agree with FoundForester. The novel would improve by a lot just using quote marks, lmao. Nextttt!


Thoughts on the Novel:

You used 3rd Person Limited, present tense? Sometimes you slip into omniscent mode. I'm not saying that's bad, but since you never focus on any of the character's emotions deeply, the result feels very impersonal and factual. It doesn't feel like an old school novel with a detached narrator, either. You don't artistically give descriptions that let us clue us in on what's going on, like a person watching in from outside the novel world. Instead it feels like you're listing simple facts and constantly switching between emotional anchors. It's disorientating.

I suggest you choose a single emotional anchor, the protagonist, and focus on how the scene would look like from their eyes. Or go full omniscent and jump into the heads of every person in the room. Or have a third person narrator detached from the scene, but with their own quirks? I dunno, you can choose anything. I just don't think the rapid switching between limited POVs is working for you right now.

And the present tense. I like it in some works, yours is not one of them. FoundForest is right.

Next issue. The pacing. It's very abrupt and fast in some places. For example, when Serafim breaks down. She screams, Livian hugs Serafim to calm her, she creates new items with her magic, then leaves. It's a lot to happen in just one paragraph. You could benefit from adding in more descriptions to slow the pacing down and build things gradually. In the previous example, you could describe what the room and everyone inside looks like. What they are doing. Their physical position in the room.

Similarly, show, not tell. Later on in the chapter, instead of saying 'the girl jumps with happiness', 'he feels that she is worried', you can go into deep description about how exactly she's happy or he notices she's worried. The girl might have a big smile on her face. Livian's eyes might widen in shock, then the boy might glance at her and tilt his head. Something like that.

Lastly, consistency. I found Livian's character... confusing? She goes from a clinical doctor at first, to later screaming at Serafim. It's very sudden, abrupt, and not what I think a doctor would do. Then she's suddenly all cozy with the kids.

Conclusion. A nice novel that unfortunately rushes everything. If you choose a proper direction for your story, and take things more slowly, I think it'll be really fun to read. Good luck!

 

[Safira]

I'll review ittttt!


First Impression:

The cover looks okay. Synopsis too. You could break up the sentences and make em less lengthy so they would flow better, but the actual content looks fine. I agree with FoundForester. The novel would improve by a lot just using quote marks, lmao. Nextttt!


Thoughts on the Novel:

You used 3rd Person Limited, present tense? Sometimes you slip into omniscent mode. I'm not saying that's bad, but since you never focus on any of the character's emotions deeply, the result feels very impersonal and factual. It doesn't feel like an old school novel with a detached narrator, either. You don't artistically give descriptions that let us clue us in on what's going on, like a person watching in from outside the novel world. Instead it feels like you're listing simple facts and constantly switching between emotional anchors. It's disorientating.

I suggest you choose a single emotional anchor, the protagonist, and focus on how the scene would look like from their eyes. Or go full omniscent and jump into the heads of every person in the room. Or have a third person narrator detached from the scene, but with their own quirks? I dunno, you can choose anything. I just don't think the rapid switching between limited POVs is working for you right now.

And the present tense. I like it in some works, yours is not one of them. FoundForest is right.

Next issue. The pacing. It's very abrupt and fast in some places. For example, when Serafim breaks down. She screams, Livian hugs Serafim to calm her, she creates new items with her magic, then leaves. It's a lot to happen in just one paragraph. You could benefit from adding in more descriptions to slow the pacing down and build things gradually. In the previous example, you could describe what the room and everyone inside looks like. What they are doing. Their physical position in the room.

Similarly, show, not tell. Later on in the chapter, instead of saying 'the girl jumps with happiness', 'he feels that she is worried', you can go into deep description about how exactly she's happy or he notices she's worried. The girl might have a big smile on her face. Livian's eyes might widen in shock, then the boy might glance at her and tilt his head. Something like that.

Lastly, consistency. I found Livian's character... confusing? She goes from a clinical doctor at first, to later screaming at Serafim. It's very sudden, abrupt, and not what I think a doctor would do. Then she's suddenly all cozy with the kids.

Conclusion. A nice novel that unfortunately rushes everything. If you choose a proper direction for your story, and take things more slowly, I think it'll be really fun to read. Good luck!

Thanks for the review. Already working on the changes you mentioned. I already rewrote the first three chapter and fixed a lot of plot holes I had.

About the protagonist, one of the issues that was bugging me and a friend pointed out was the fact that I was changing POVs a lot, which was also disorientating. I managed to find a pace and stick with someone longer.

About Livian, you are right, it was something that a friend pointed out that as also confusing. She had the role of a doctor but didn't do much (He joked comparing to the doctor from arknights as well lol). One of the reasons he noticed was because for some reason I wanted to focus on Serafim too much, giving her to much functions and too little problems. She became non-interesting. This is also one of the changes that I did which helped on slowing down the pace.

Thank for the review. I hope you can take another look once it has more chapters done

 

[Fairemont]

I peeked at the first chapter and my only major note is that I, in particular, get major cognitive whiplash everytime someone fires out a list of descriptive elements for a character immediately after introducing them.

To me, it is the least... interesting way to introduce how someone looks. While not a big component of the prose, or a critical one, it could be something to keep an eye on in the future.

I had to come back and edit this comment because you've got a wife here narrating and a hot, shirtless werewolf husband and the only thing we get is a "he has dark hair, dark eyes, and dark skin."

Victor, her husband, is a deliciously shirtless werewolf she met back in her academy days and married before he could get away. There's no regret there. The day is hot, he is hot, and as he rubs his fingers through his long, brown hair and their eyes meet, her heart flutters. His smile does it every time.

Her tall, dark, and handsome man takes the bags from her and pulls one of the wolf masks out to try it on.

"This is an excellent choice. I dare it say it looks better than my own face."

She wets her lips and whispers breathlessly: "Woof..."

"What was that?"

She clears her throat with a gentle cough. "I was saying that these masks were the best option available. I even got some for the kids."

Make it punchy!

 

[Safira]

I peeked at the first chapter and my only major note is that I, in particular, get major cognitive whiplash everytime someone fires out a list of descriptive elements for a character immediately after introducing them.

To me, it is the least... interesting way to introduce how someone looks. While not a big component of the prose, or a critical one, it could be something to keep an eye on in the future.

I had to come back and edit this comment because you've got a wife here narrating and a hot, shirtless werewolf husband and the only thing we get is a "he has dark hair, dark eyes, and dark skin."





Make it punchy!

Being honest, idk why, i dont remember writing that description lol
Gonna change that after finishing editing some other stuff. thanks

I peeked at the first chapter and my only major note is that I, in particular, get major cognitive whiplash everytime someone fires out a list of descriptive elements for a character immediately after introducing them.

To me, it is the least... interesting way to introduce how someone looks. While not a big component of the prose, or a critical one, it could be something to keep an eye on in the future.

I had to come back and edit this comment because you've got a wife here narrating and a hot, shirtless werewolf husband and the only thing we get is a "he has dark hair, dark eyes, and dark skin."





Make it punchy!

I think it was because I just woke up, just now after a few hours I understand what you meant lol

 

[Madmcgee]

Oooooh, I like stories with this narration perspective.

That said, reading the first chapter, I think the biggest thing that I struggled with was the dialogue.

It's extremely formal, full of exclamation marks, and (please don't take it personally), somewhat wooden.

As for improvements? Avoid simple descriptors like 'said' or 'asked' or 'called' or any other simple addition at the end of someone's speech. It goes a long way to spice it up with lots of different and more engaging words. 'inquired', 'bellowed', 'muttered', 'murmured', 'hissed'. Try stuff along those lines

I'm sitting here, wondering what it is and reading the chapter again, and I just come back to the way people are speaking to each other. It just doesn't 'feel' like a natural conversation, you know? It doesn't have that banter or flow factor. Throw some slang in!

It's all there, and you've got a cool concept (and art btw, that's pretty awsome), but I think if you take a look at that dialogue, it'll go a long way.

 

[Safira]

Oooooh, I like stories with this narration perspective.

That said, reading the first chapter, I think the biggest thing that I struggled with was the dialogue.

It's extremely formal, full of exclamation marks, and (please don't take it personally), somewhat wooden.

As for improvements? Avoid simple descriptors like 'said' or 'asked' or 'called' or any other simple addition at the end of someone's speech. It goes a long way to spice it up with lots of different and more engaging words. 'inquired', 'bellowed', 'muttered', 'murmured', 'hissed'. Try stuff along those lines

I'm sitting here, wondering what it is and reading the chapter again, and I just come back to the way people are speaking to each other. It just doesn't 'feel' like a natural conversation, you know? It doesn't have that banter or flow factor. Throw some slang in!

It's all there, and you've got a cool concept (and art btw, that's pretty awsome), but I think if you take a look at that dialogue, it'll go a long way.

I appreciate a review. The dialogue was a first time I heard someone comment about, but I see what you are mean.

I've been reading some other stories, but honestly, they are quite old fantasy books with some cringe interactions that I try to avoid copying but manage to do something similar or worst without intending. Need to find new inspirations on how to write it better

 

[Madmcgee]

I appreciate a review. The dialogue was a first time I heard someone comment about, but I see what you are mean.

I've been reading some other stories, but honestly, they are quite old fantasy books with some cringe interactions that I try to avoid copying but manage to do something similar or worst without intending. Need to find new inspirations on how to write it better

It's just part of the process. Best advice I can give is to imagine what a conversation with your extroverted best friend would sound like. Throw in an insult, toss in a jab, convince people that their alive and truly living. Anyway, best of luck and I hope this was helpful!