StoneInky
Heart of Stone, Head of Ink
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2024
- Messages
- 445
- Points
- 108
Me, me! Please stone my story (mostly because I'm still waiting for the god Tempokai to roast me)
I like this story a lotttt! I only reviewed up to chapter 5, but tell me if you want casual bonus feedback on the rest of the story!
I added this one to my reading list, it was really good!
First Impressions:
The title of the novel was catchy! It hooked me in.
Same for the cover, which was beautiful and screamed 'Villainess aesthetic'.
The synopsis was not too long, not too short, and very personal. It told me everything I needed to know—the vibes of the story, what it was about, and who the protagonist was. The only issue was that the rhythm of your words were wonky? If you read it aloud, that might help you find the right flow as you write. It's a sentence structure problem. Really annoying to fix, lmao.
Lastly, you included a note that this story would have romance between the Witch and Estella. I liked that it instantly let me know what to expect, so I hope you keep that note.
Thoughts on Early Chapters:
The opening two paragraphs were fire. They hooked me in.
The paragraph after that was not. The contents were very descriptive and good, but the blocky shape of it next to the 5 skinnier paragraphs in a row, made it look tiresome on the eyes and very skippable.
You have a lot more paragraphs like this. It's especially a big issue in dialogue, because it also reads like one person is giving a short speech. It's okay for the Prince who is actually giving one, but not the Witch's or Estella's dialogue. For example, this part below was too long:
That's the only problem I had in chapter one. Everything else was amazing. The descriptions, pacing, word choices were great. A small detail I liked was Estella shooting a glance at the people gossiping, and knowing their names. It brought clarity to the scene, and made a lot of sense, cuz it's often select people who are gossipy, not all of them.
More things I liked was how the scene melted and was revealed to be a flashback. Estelle was looking at the Witch and lamenting. Then the Witch gave her a coffee. It established how the Witch was from our modern world, without forcing the fact into our faces. The ending was really nice.
Next chapter. The scene was nicely chosen. Adrienne established her characterization and position in the novel. Estella was anxious about her looking like a villainess, which reinforced her personality and made her feel like this insecure young girl? I noticed that she was flipping the Witch's phone. It could be a tad smoother if you mentioned the Witch passing it to her in Chapter one.
Two minor details. Captain Marcus's description was a sliver too long for me. I suggest you make it 15 words or so shorter. Same with the paragraph after that, I suggest you trim it down just a bit. This one:
Second detail, I did not like how Estella 'shrugged' here. That was a very unladylike action and snapped me out of the flow:
Third chapter. There were some parts that felt too convienient to be part of regular conversation. It felt like you were trying to disguise a bunch of info dumps and secretly feed them to me. And as I've already said, having lumps of speech in dialogue make readers skip over them:
The ending was cool and dramatic, but I think it was too similar to the ending you used for the first meeting with the witch? I suggest continuing the conversation just a bit longer to make it less repetitive. It'll also keep the chapter from turning too short if you do decide to edit the lumps of dialogue I mentioned above.
Chapter four and five. Hm... I really liked the scenes and how the story flowed. I think you have a knack for writing just the right scenes in just the right place with just the right timing. The chapter endings were impeccable too. Either that, or you edit to death. Equally respectable trait, lmaooo.
When Estella figured out the butler would hurt her. Instead of telling someone else, or getting an actual weapon to end him, she shoved the evidence in his face and attempted to lecture him. I dunno her age, but it didn't fit her characterization from before. Before she felt like a naive young girl my age, but in that moment she felt five years younger and stupid.
Chapter five's starting conversation was too convenient. It also felt awkward in general. Your lady almost died, lmao. Everyone was strangely calm and talking things out. They didn't need to freak out, but I suggest adding more tension in the air.
This paragraph had abruptly fast pacing. It was the only one here that did telling instead of showing, and it stuck out:
After this, Estella and the Witch talked, and Estella showed unusual cleverness when she noticed the Witch acted off. I did not like how you built up the reveal too quick and too heavy. I suggest either making it a passing by comment, or properly building on the tension.
Later on. The Witch revealed too much to Estella too quickly, even though they barely knew each other. The tension was okay, but the pacing was a tad fast. I suggest adding more descriptions to break up the dialogue, and having the Witch hesitate even more before speaking, or even better, try to awkwardly move the the conversation away after realizing she'd opened up too much.
Chapter six, and they kiss! It's abrupt, but you know what, I like it cuz it's passionate yuri. Somehow works.
The title of the novel was catchy! It hooked me in.
Same for the cover, which was beautiful and screamed 'Villainess aesthetic'.
The synopsis was not too long, not too short, and very personal. It told me everything I needed to know—the vibes of the story, what it was about, and who the protagonist was. The only issue was that the rhythm of your words were wonky? If you read it aloud, that might help you find the right flow as you write. It's a sentence structure problem. Really annoying to fix, lmao.
Lastly, you included a note that this story would have romance between the Witch and Estella. I liked that it instantly let me know what to expect, so I hope you keep that note.
Thoughts on Early Chapters:
The opening two paragraphs were fire. They hooked me in.
The paragraph after that was not. The contents were very descriptive and good, but the blocky shape of it next to the 5 skinnier paragraphs in a row, made it look tiresome on the eyes and very skippable.
You have a lot more paragraphs like this. It's especially a big issue in dialogue, because it also reads like one person is giving a short speech. It's okay for the Prince who is actually giving one, but not the Witch's or Estella's dialogue. For example, this part below was too long:
That's the only problem I had in chapter one. Everything else was amazing. The descriptions, pacing, word choices were great. A small detail I liked was Estella shooting a glance at the people gossiping, and knowing their names. It brought clarity to the scene, and made a lot of sense, cuz it's often select people who are gossipy, not all of them.
More things I liked was how the scene melted and was revealed to be a flashback. Estelle was looking at the Witch and lamenting. Then the Witch gave her a coffee. It established how the Witch was from our modern world, without forcing the fact into our faces. The ending was really nice.
Next chapter. The scene was nicely chosen. Adrienne established her characterization and position in the novel. Estella was anxious about her looking like a villainess, which reinforced her personality and made her feel like this insecure young girl? I noticed that she was flipping the Witch's phone. It could be a tad smoother if you mentioned the Witch passing it to her in Chapter one.
Two minor details. Captain Marcus's description was a sliver too long for me. I suggest you make it 15 words or so shorter. Same with the paragraph after that, I suggest you trim it down just a bit. This one:
Second detail, I did not like how Estella 'shrugged' here. That was a very unladylike action and snapped me out of the flow:
Third chapter. There were some parts that felt too convienient to be part of regular conversation. It felt like you were trying to disguise a bunch of info dumps and secretly feed them to me. And as I've already said, having lumps of speech in dialogue make readers skip over them:
The ending was cool and dramatic, but I think it was too similar to the ending you used for the first meeting with the witch? I suggest continuing the conversation just a bit longer to make it less repetitive. It'll also keep the chapter from turning too short if you do decide to edit the lumps of dialogue I mentioned above.
Chapter four and five. Hm... I really liked the scenes and how the story flowed. I think you have a knack for writing just the right scenes in just the right place with just the right timing. The chapter endings were impeccable too. Either that, or you edit to death. Equally respectable trait, lmaooo.
When Estella figured out the butler would hurt her. Instead of telling someone else, or getting an actual weapon to end him, she shoved the evidence in his face and attempted to lecture him. I dunno her age, but it didn't fit her characterization from before. Before she felt like a naive young girl my age, but in that moment she felt five years younger and stupid.
Chapter five's starting conversation was too convenient. It also felt awkward in general. Your lady almost died, lmao. Everyone was strangely calm and talking things out. They didn't need to freak out, but I suggest adding more tension in the air.
This paragraph had abruptly fast pacing. It was the only one here that did telling instead of showing, and it stuck out:
After this, Estella and the Witch talked, and Estella showed unusual cleverness when she noticed the Witch acted off. I did not like how you built up the reveal too quick and too heavy. I suggest either making it a passing by comment, or properly building on the tension.
Later on. The Witch revealed too much to Estella too quickly, even though they barely knew each other. The tension was okay, but the pacing was a tad fast. I suggest adding more descriptions to break up the dialogue, and having the Witch hesitate even more before speaking, or even better, try to awkwardly move the the conversation away after realizing she'd opened up too much.
Chapter six, and they kiss! It's abrupt, but you know what, I like it cuz it's passionate yuri. Somehow works.
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