Looking for someone to review my work and I'm willing to do review swaps.

[Tripleblack]

Btw this is not a hardcore ecchi or anything. Cover is mostly to get people interested.

As you might've gotten from the title, it's been a long time since I came on here and asked for some feedback. Seeing as I'm coming back to writing my novel now that I actually have time to write again, I figured it's a good time to see what I've been doing wrong! Please feel free to rip into and tear my novel apart. Tell me everything you think works or doesn't work about it.

I'm not sure on the synopsis to be honest. I liked it when I first wrote it, but now it feels like it's not the best. Tell me what you think.

I don't expect you to read the entire 47 chapters that I currently have uploaded, but please tell me how much you have read. Also tell me if you're looking for a review swap.

The Revival of The Vampire Empress!

Crimson-haired, ancient, and terrifyingly beautiful, the renowned Vampire Empress had been sealed away for hundreds of years. The one to set her was Veri, a high school boy filled with delusions. Caught in the aftermath of her awakening, Veri is dragged into a hidden world of bloodlines...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[FoundForester]

I'll check it out!

I'm in the middle of a rewrite. So if you wanna check it out, don't bother going past chapter 10, if you even decide to go that far. I'm down to do a review swap. More interested in seeing your general impressions.

Alright, I'm back!

I've gone through the first five chapters to get a feel for the writing.

I'll give you 4 Breadcrumbs out of 2.5 Limited Edition Graham Crackers.

What that means? let me explain.


Let’s start with Chapter 1. It’s mostly sharp — but almost too sharp at points.

Her words were cut short as the room erupted into chaos. The challenger lunged, his blade clashing against the Empress’ fiery might. The grand throne room became a battlefield of sparks and shadows, the echoes of their conflict reverberating out like a signal of a new era.

As they battled, the cries of war ripped through the entire city, lining the streets with bloodshed and violence. On that night, mankind would triumph over the vampires. The Vampiric Empire would fall at the hands of the knights of the Magic Order. And on that very same night, the great Vampire Empress would have her unspoken name engraved into the halls of legend.

This feels like a lot of world-shattering events packed into just a few lines. We've got an epic duel, a city descending into chaos, an empire falling and the birth of legends , Holy knights, all in a quick burst. Then, we immediately cut away.


Honestly, that scene left me feeling a little "meh." It has all the ingredients to be awesome and hook the reader, but it feels rushed. Like an after thought.


If you want to keep it short, maybe weave this into the classroom scene later. Frame it as a lecture or retelling. That way, the “glossing over” doesn’t feel so jarring. But opening on an epic battle and then immediately pulling the rug out? It made me wanna cry a little.

I'd suggest either fleshing the scene out into its full epic glory or working it into the classroom as a kind of historical recap. Either way, let us bask in the drama a little!


That being said:

January 8th, 2024, Miami, Florida. Hundreds of years after the fall of the vampiric empire and exactly one year before the end of the world.

That line goes hard. Instantly makes me curious how the world ends — and how the narrator already knows it. I like it. But I don't see enough of it in the rest of the story.


I will move on to some bigger and more consistent issue I see.

Telling and not showing. This is an issue I see it 90% of stories and even in my own. So I'm gonna be a little brutal.


[Charlotte seemed just about ready to burst out into a tirade, but with my characteristic lack of grace, I knew exactly how to get out of the situation.]


I picked this because it a good example is a lot of telling and not enough showing. You're telling us Charlotte’s about to go off, you're telling us that the MC is clumsy, you're telling us that they know how to escape all at once.

Instead, show it! Maybe Charlotte taps her foot impatiently. Maybe the MC stumbles as they’re being yanked out of the room. Maybe they awkwardly wiggle free without saying a word. Drop the "I knew" part and just show the MC doing it.

You do this pretty often especially in the later chapters and it begins to drag a bit.

On to my next point.

Some of your phrasing can be a bit jarring

With her hands on her hips, the girl who'd dragged me out of the classroom was standing in front of me in an empty hallway. From the windows, the setting sun filled my view with vibrant orange and yellow hues. Stepping directly into the light, the girl in front of me didn't allow me to enjoy them for too long.

I'll ignore the filter words and focus on a larger issue. This sentence feels awkward to read and feels a little out of order.


We go from:


Girl with hands on hips ->Dragged out of classroom -> Girl Standing in hallway.

When the logical flow would be:


Dragged out of classroom -> Standing in hallway -> Girl standing with hands on hips.

Small thing, but in the opening chapters, every word counts. Little things like this can trip the reader's mental flow. (It did for me.)

Let's go to the close:

This isn't the bellowing epic of a hero in the making. This also isn't the grand tale of an empress returning to her former glory, nor of humankind overcoming evil. This is one of the countless lost stories, the kind that slip through history's cracks. Though unlike many, this tale is likely better off forgotten. This is the story of a pathetic boy who struggles hopelessly and in his struggle, attains everything that both this world and the next have to offer.

I actually kind of like this as a set-up. It's a tad overwritten. but, it gives a bittersweet vibe.
Buuut... who’s the narrator here?
Is it the MC looking back? Is it an omniscient narrator? A random person? It feels out of place, and the answer to this question affects how readers frame everything going forward.


Chapter 2:
Here is where I feel things kinda fall apart. Not gonna lie, I was super confused. It feels totally disconnected from Chapter 1. We go from school to... IDK where. I wasn’t sure where we were, what the "blue cracks" were, why we’re messing with graves, or even why I should care about the MC’s history yet.

A larger issue is that the overwriting really takes hold in this chapter.
an example:

Once the lid of the coffin had been taken off, a beautiful woman sat up in the black box. My eyes, no, any mortal eyes graced with the honor of seeing her would find themselves absolutely smitten. There, nestled within the confines of the ancient sarcophagus, lay a woman of unearthly beauty, her porcelain skin bathed in an ethereal glow that seemed to emanate from within. Her firey red hair cascaded down her body in a messy brilliance, paired with the most dazzling scarlet eyes. Her naked figure was also the thing of dreams, perfectly enticing to anyone, man or woman. Awestruck, I couldn't take my eyes off her, it was as though she radiated some divine royal glow.

Holy hand grenade, Batman! That’s a lot of words to say, “she’s hot.”


It's very repetitive, and honestly, it feels a bit like ChatGPT slop. (No offence. I've written some absolute monstrous and generic descriptions. But it had to be said )

You could cut this in half if not a quarter and still sell the "divine beauty" without hammering it home five different ways.

Also: after chapter 1, there is a lot of bloat and a general lack of direction. Like this vampire chick is just... hanging out with a random as she plots to take over the world...?

there are no stakes. Is the MC okay with this plan? Does he even care?

There’s is also a boat load of exposition that’s hard to care about yet, and it feels like we’re jumping between POVs and settings without clear anchors. I kept feeling lost at the start of many chapters. And I have no clue where we're going.

Dialogue:
This needs a bit of work. Characters — especially ones as different as an ancient vampire and a modern nerd — should have really distinct voices.
Right now, if you took away the dialogue tags, I wouldn’t be able to tell who’s speaking.

Characterization:
I will be honest. All the characters feel paper thin and generic. The MC feels like a Everyman audience stand in who's only job is to exist so the reader can imagine what it'd be like to hang out with a vampiric hottie.

What does he want? Where is he going in life? why is so so chill about all the life changing information? Bro got bit by a naked vampire and didn't even blink.

everyone else, including Cacophony, is also generally uninteresting and seemingly paper this. Maybe they have huge character arcs that come later. But You've given me no reason to care. or be interested as of chapter 5.

Overall:
It feels very. generic. The prose are at times awkward and at others very bloated. it feels Like a random Harem anime from ten years ago. Which isn't necessary a bad thing. People love that stuff. Just not me.

I wish you the best with your story. and hope you keep having fun writing it.

---

 

[davimai]

I read the first chapter and mostly liked it. Has a fun vibe.
This line took me out of it. Especially the second sentence.
Lucky for me, it was after school and I could go home. The only reason all those kids had stayed after school was for extensive SAT tutoring.

That's really all I got, but thought I'd let you know. I can't begin to offer as much as FoundForester has. Although I don't' agree with the ole "show don't tell advice." never have. But then again, my stuff doesn't sell so, who am I to give advice. lol

Best of luck with it. It feels like it has legs.

(I've also got a vampire story. very different style tho. I don't think it would appeal).

 

[TheIcMan]

Although I don't' agree with the ole "show don't tell advice." never have.

Why..?

 

[FoundForester]

Why..?

I too am interested in the answer to this question. It's not an opinion I've ever heard before.

 

[davimai]

I too am interested in the answer to this question. It's not an opinion I've ever heard before.

I must admit to not reading the whole story in question here, so my comment was glibly made about the "show don't tell" mantra in general, nothing personal. With that said, there's a couple of reasons for my obnoxious generalisation.

Showing can slow the pace of a story. I notice some writers try to describe every emotion and I wonder if they've been listening to that advice.

It also becomes really obvious when they're keen to show so much, but avoid repetition at the same time, so end up inventing new ways of describing sweat, or tears, or smiles. It can be quite comical.

I think we should trust in the reader more. Most readers already know what angry, lonely, sad, excited all looks and feels like.

Telling can also be a lot more effective than showing.

a made up example..."At the party, surrounded by so many shallow air-heads, Charlotte felt more lonely than ever."

The reader will "get" that. Especially if they've already learned that Charlotte is a book-worm, wishing she could meet someone with similar interests. The reader does not need to be shown Charlotte's body language.

Telling is also often better than showing, for dramatic effect too.

eg. in Robert Heinlein's Starship Troopers, the line "It's afraid" was very poignant and loaded with meaning, because humans had finally gained the upper hand over the Aliens. That one line indicated that the war could be won.

 

[FoundForester]

I must admit to not reading the whole story in question here, so my comment was glibly made about the "show don't tell" mantra in general, nothing personal. With that said, there's a couple of reasons for my obnoxious generalisation.

Oh I got you.

I feel like we agree, we just describe it differently.

I would consider a slow drawn out description of emotion through poetic sweat drop or tears rolling in pretty ways as telling with added steps.

And telling isn't always bad. Like your example:

"At the party, surrounded by so many shallow air-heads, Charlotte felt more lonely than ever."

While this is technically telling, it's also the most effective way to get your point across in this context. And like you said this leaves a lot to the imagination. Add a expansion on this thought. a little dialogue or something and it's good writing

A better, or should I say, worse example would be something like:

"At the party, surrounded by so many shallow air-heads, Charlotte felt more lonely than ever. Because she was a a book worm and she really wished she could meet somebody who shared her interests in Dairy of a wimpy Kid and Chicken Jockey. But Charlotte had always been the smartest girl in the room and that made everyone was jealous of her."

This is the type of stuff I'm talking about.

eg. in Robert Heinlein's Starship Troopers, the line "It's afraid" was very poignant and loaded with meaning, because humans had finally gained the upper hand over the Aliens. That one line indicated that the war could be won.

I would have to disagree that this is an example of telling.

Sure technically it's telling. He says the words.

But it's a film. so we see how its alone tied in a rope surrounded by people. We see how the creature reacts. How it pulls away when Robert reaches out, not screaming, not lashing out. Just staring. Flinching.

You see the same the same thing reflected in Neil Patrick Harris' delivery of the line.

Not just a flat looking to the camera telling the audience, "It's afraid."

A pause. A beat. His eyes dart. a look of confusion. "It's afraid..." He says it almost to himself at first.

then another beat.

His expression changed. His voice raises. Higher. Excited "It's afraid!"

And we also have that brilliant moment where we see all the troopers step back as the alien moves. Nobody yells form the crowed "OMG WE"RE Afraid!" they just step back. we get it instantly almost subconsciously.

It's not that you should always show and never tell. It's more generally speaking showing is better then telling. But you need both.

 

[davimai]

Oh I got you.

I feel like we agree, we just describe it differently.

I would consider a slow drawn out description of emotion through poetic sweat drop or tears rolling in pretty ways as telling with added steps.

And telling isn't always bad. Like your example:


While this is technically telling, it's also the most effective way to get your point across in this context. And like you said this leaves a lot to the imagination. Add a expansion on this thought. a little dialogue or something and it's good writing

A better, or should I say, worse example would be something like:

"At the party, surrounded by so many shallow air-heads, Charlotte felt more lonely than ever. Because she was a a book worm and she really wished she could meet somebody who shared her interests in Dairy of a wimpy Kid and Chicken Jockey. But Charlotte had always been the smartest girl in the room and that made everyone was jealous of her."

This is the type of stuff I'm talking about.


I would have to disagree that this is an example of telling.

Sure technically it's telling. He says the words.

But it's a film. so we see how its alone tied in a rope surrounded by people. We see how the creature reacts. How it pulls away when Robert reaches out, not screaming, not lashing out. Just staring. Flinching.

You see the same the same thing reflected in Neil Patrick Harris' delivery of the line.

Not just a flat looking to the camera telling the audience, "It's afraid."

A pause. A beat. His eyes dart. a look of confusion. "It's afraid..." He says it almost to himself at first.

then another beat.

His expression changed. His voice raises. Higher. Excited "It's afraid!"

And we also have that brilliant moment where we see all the troopers step back as the alien moves. Nobody yells form the crowed "OMG WE"RE Afraid!" they just step back. we get it instantly almost subconsciously.

It's not that you should always show and never tell. It's more generally speaking showing is better then telling. But you need both.

fair points :-)

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Btw this is not a hardcore ecchi or anything. Cover is mostly to get people interested.

As you might've gotten from the title, it's been a long time since I came on here and asked for some feedback. Seeing as I'm coming back to writing my novel now that I actually have time to write again, I figured it's a good time to see what I've been doing wrong! Please feel free to rip into and tear my novel apart. Tell me everything you think works or doesn't work about it.

I'm not sure on the synopsis to be honest. I liked it when I first wrote it, but now it feels like it's not the best. Tell me what you think.

I don't expect you to read the entire 47 chapters that I currently have uploaded, but please tell me how much you have read. Also tell me if you're looking for a review swap.

The Revival of The Vampire Empress!

Crimson-haired, ancient, and terrifyingly beautiful, the renowned Vampire Empress had been sealed away for hundreds of years. The one to set her was Veri, a high school boy filled with delusions. Caught in the aftermath of her awakening, Veri is dragged into a hidden world of bloodlines...

www.scribblehub.com

When I get time I'll happily take a read. I'm starting chapter 6 of Amber and Vasia so it might be a little bit. I've already added it to my reading list, so I can find it easy. I mean vampires are my bag.

 

[TheIcMan]

I must admit to not reading the whole story in question here, so my comment was glibly made about the "show don't tell" mantra in general, nothing personal. With that said, there's a couple of reasons for my obnoxious generalisation.

Showing can slow the pace of a story. I notice some writers try to describe every emotion and I wonder if they've been listening to that advice.

It also becomes really obvious when they're keen to show so much, but avoid repetition at the same time, so end up inventing new ways of describing sweat, or tears, or smiles. It can be quite comical.

I think we should trust in the reader more. Most readers already know what angry, lonely, sad, excited all looks and feels like.

Telling can also be a lot more effective than showing.

a made up example..."At the party, surrounded by so many shallow air-heads, Charlotte felt more lonely than ever."

The reader will "get" that. Especially if they've already learned that Charlotte is a book-worm, wishing she could meet someone with similar interests. The reader does not need to be shown Charlotte's body language.

Telling is also often better than showing, for dramatic effect too.

eg. in Robert Heinlein's Starship Troopers, the line "It's afraid" was very poignant and loaded with meaning, because humans had finally gained the upper hand over the Aliens. That one line indicated that the war could be won.

Oh okay. Good explanation. I agree. I do feel like there needs to be degrees of what people call "show don't tell", because the way some folks declare it as be all end all is wrong. It's not "show 100%, tell 0%". It's a balance of what, as you said, is effective.

But at the base level show don't tell is still good advice. Should be phrased better as "show more, tell less", but still. Otherwise you get George Lucas ass dialogue "Anakain I am afraid!" type shit.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Oh okay. Good explanation. I agree. I do feel like there needs to be degrees of what people call "show don't tell", because the way some folks declare it as be all end all is wrong. It's not "show 100%, tell 0%". It's a balance of what, as you said, is effective.

But at the base level show don't tell is still good advice. Should be phrased better as "show more, tell less", but still. Otherwise you get George Lucas ass dialogue "Anakain I am afraid!" type shit.

Always amuses me that one of the most feared thugs (he really wasn't more than just a thug in the movies - novels and comics grew Darth Vader into a truly impressive villain) of all time started out as Little Orphan Ani...

 

[Tripleblack]

I'll check it out!

I'm in the middle of a rewrite. So if you wanna check it out, don't bother going past chapter 10, if you even decide to go that far. I'm down to do a review swap. More interested in seeing your general impressions.

Alright, I'm back!

I've gone through the first five chapters to get a feel for the writing.

I'll give you 4 Breadcrumbs out of 2.5 Limited Edition Graham Crackers.

What that means? let me explain.


Let’s start with Chapter 1. It’s mostly sharp — but almost too sharp at points.







This feels like a lot of world-shattering events packed into just a few lines. We've got an epic duel, a city descending into chaos, an empire falling and the birth of legends , Holy knights, all in a quick burst. Then, we immediately cut away.


Honestly, that scene left me feeling a little "meh." It has all the ingredients to be awesome and hook the reader, but it feels rushed. Like an after thought.


If you want to keep it short, maybe weave this into the classroom scene later. Frame it as a lecture or retelling. That way, the “glossing over” doesn’t feel so jarring. But opening on an epic battle and then immediately pulling the rug out? It made me wanna cry a little.

I'd suggest either fleshing the scene out into its full epic glory or working it into the classroom as a kind of historical recap. Either way, let us bask in the drama a little!


That being said:





That line goes hard. Instantly makes me curious how the world ends — and how the narrator already knows it. I like it. But I don't see enough of it in the rest of the story.


I will move on to some bigger and more consistent issue I see.

Telling and not showing. This is an issue I see it 90% of stories and even in my own. So I'm gonna be a little brutal.


[Charlotte seemed just about ready to burst out into a tirade, but with my characteristic lack of grace, I knew exactly how to get out of the situation.]


I picked this because it a good example is a lot of telling and not enough showing. You're telling us Charlotte’s about to go off, you're telling us that the MC is clumsy, you're telling us that they know how to escape all at once.

Instead, show it! Maybe Charlotte taps her foot impatiently. Maybe the MC stumbles as they’re being yanked out of the room. Maybe they awkwardly wiggle free without saying a word. Drop the "I knew" part and just show the MC doing it.

You do this pretty often especially in the later chapters and it begins to drag a bit.

On to my next point.

Some of your phrasing can be a bit jarring



I'll ignore the filter words and focus on a larger issue. This sentence feels awkward to read and feels a little out of order.


We go from:


Girl with hands on hips ->Dragged out of classroom -> Girl Standing in hallway.

When the logical flow would be:


Dragged out of classroom -> Standing in hallway -> Girl standing with hands on hips.

Small thing, but in the opening chapters, every word counts. Little things like this can trip the reader's mental flow. (It did for me.)

Let's go to the close:



I actually kind of like this as a set-up. It's a tad overwritten. but, it gives a bittersweet vibe.
Buuut... who’s the narrator here?
Is it the MC looking back? Is it an omniscient narrator? A random person? It feels out of place, and the answer to this question affects how readers frame everything going forward.


Chapter 2:
Here is where I feel things kinda fall apart. Not gonna lie, I was super confused. It feels totally disconnected from Chapter 1. We go from school to... IDK where. I wasn’t sure where we were, what the "blue cracks" were, why we’re messing with graves, or even why I should care about the MC’s history yet.

A larger issue is that the overwriting really takes hold in this chapter.
an example:





Holy hand grenade, Batman! That’s a lot of words to say, “she’s hot.”


It's very repetitive, and honestly, it feels a bit like ChatGPT slop. (No offence. I've written some absolute monstrous and generic descriptions. But it had to be said )

You could cut this in half if not a quarter and still sell the "divine beauty" without hammering it home five different ways.

Also: after chapter 1, there is a lot of bloat and a general lack of direction. Like this vampire chick is just... hanging out with a random as she plots to take over the world...?

there are no stakes. Is the MC okay with this plan? Does he even care?

There’s is also a boat load of exposition that’s hard to care about yet, and it feels like we’re jumping between POVs and settings without clear anchors. I kept feeling lost at the start of many chapters. And I have no clue where we're going.

Dialogue:
This needs a bit of work. Characters — especially ones as different as an ancient vampire and a modern nerd — should have really distinct voices.
Right now, if you took away the dialogue tags, I wouldn’t be able to tell who’s speaking.

Characterization:
I will be honest. All the characters feel paper thin and generic. The MC feels like a Everyman audience stand in who's only job is to exist so the reader can imagine what it'd be like to hang out with a vampiric hottie.

What does he want? Where is he going in life? why is so so chill about all the life changing information? Bro got bit by a naked vampire and didn't even blink.

everyone else, including Cacophony, is also generally uninteresting and seemingly paper this. Maybe they have huge character arcs that come later. But You've given me no reason to care. or be interested as of chapter 5.

Overall:
It feels very. generic. The prose are at times awkward and at others very bloated. it feels Like a random Harem anime from ten years ago. Which isn't necessary a bad thing. People love that stuff. Just not me.

I wish you the best with your story. and hope you keep having fun writing it.

---

Sorry, this reply took me so long. I've been busy this week because I have a ceremony for my club next week.

First off, thank you for actually reading and reviewing my work. I genuinely didn't expect anyone to reply to this thread and I definitely didn't expect a full breakdown of your thoughts in the way that you did.

Now, to move on to the meat of your review.

I'm gonna be honest...

Everything you said was 100% valid, and there isn't any strong defense for me to play. As I was reading your review, I just kinda found myself agreeing with a lot of what you said, or at least understood why you thought that. For example, you mentioned that the writing falls apart, jumping from chapter 1 to chapter 2, and they don't perfectly connect. The reason for this is that I completely rewrote the first chapter, but never got around to rewriting the other early chapters.

When I first started writing my novel, I literally just thought of a title and started writing. There was no planning or anything. It was obvious that the result would be chapters that weren't the best and wouldn't hold attention, but I was hoping that it wouldn't be the case. Honestly, I'm a lazy guy who just didn't want to have to rewrite those chapters.


You low-key got me with 'show don't tell'

It's something that I'd always heard, but I never applied it to my own work.

Never thought about it, but the characters all do speak in the same way(Maybe with the exception of whenever Veri starts yapping) and don't have a distinct enough voice. I remember when I was reading Re: Zero, I could almost always tell who was talking, even when they didn't explicitly give a name. That's something interesting that I also never thought to apply to my own work.

All of that being said, I am again thankful for your review. As you might be able to tell, I'm very much an amateur who doesn't get much input on his writing and hasn't taken a class or anything to get the basics down. Stuff like this is very useful for me, and I'm going to try and take your review and use it to improve my writing.

If you can't tell, I'm the type of guy who needs obvious things pointed out to him to make a change. Now I've got to lock in and rewrite the first few chapters and maybe more, depending on whether I improved after the first few chapters or not.

Still, I'm definitely having a lot of fun writing my story, and now I get the chance to try and elevate it from just some generic run-of-the-mill novel.

I'll go through and read up to chapter 10 of your novel, and give my thoughts. Don't expect them to be as in-depth as what you did for my work, though.

I read the first chapter and mostly liked it. Has a fun vibe.
This line took me out of it. Especially the second sentence.
Lucky for me, it was after school and I could go home. The only reason all those kids had stayed after school was for extensive SAT tutoring.

That's really all I got, but thought I'd let you know. I can't begin to offer as much as FoundForester has. Although I don't' agree with the ole "show don't tell advice." never have. But then again, my stuff doesn't sell so, who am I to give advice. lol

Best of luck with it. It feels like it has legs.

(I've also got a vampire story. very different style tho. I don't think it would appeal).

Sorry for the super late reply to your review, but thank you for reading my work. I'm glad that you found that first chapter to be enjoyable. When it comes to the line that you mentioned, I agree that it does kind of break the flow of the chapter a bit. I usually write late at night, so I was probably tired and wanted to get through his leaving the school as soon as possible. Still, now that I'm not sleepy and writing in the middle of the night, I should go back and clean that up.

Also, reading you guys discussing 'show, don't tell' was more interesting than I expected.