Overall? I’ll give it 10 Smelkes out of 3 Elite toenail filings. This is very solid. Characterization is strong, worldbuilding is definitely there, but the flow gets a little awkward sometimes, and there are a handful of typos sprinkled in.
But we’ll get to all that.
Starting with the intro:
“Traffic jams. Always, at all times, and at every turn, there is a traffic jam.”
This is good. Concise. Sets the tone well. But it’s
almost too concise—it doesn’t let me visualize the scene. It tells me what’s happening but not how it
feels.
Something like:
“Traffic jams. Always, at all times. No matter which way you turned, how many backstreets you knew, or how insistently you honked and shoved the Prius out of your lane, there would always be another bumper blocking you in.”
That gives not just the idea of traffic but the sensory chaos. Noise, movement, frustration. But your dialogue is more of the hook here anyway, so maybe this minimal intro works fine as-is.
Speaking of dialogue, really good overall. But it’s
just off by a hair from being fantastic. It’s hard to explain, so I’ll give some examples.
“Swear to God, Rohan! We are not going to grab KFC for the fifth time this week!”
That “KFC for the fifth time this week” feels a little wordy and unnatural, like the info is being squeezed into the line instead of coming out naturally. It’d probably work better as a sharper back-and-forth. But I get that you’re using this early scene to introduce the whole cast, which does bog things down a little. This would be amazing in a comic or show where all that extra context could be delivered visually—in body language, expression, outfit, etc. In prose, it starts to feel clunky.
Then there’s this bit:
“Oh my god! Who fucking cares about past glory? The reality is that we are stuck in this shitty middle-ground. We do not have the luxury of being civilians expecting to be saved, nor are we useful enough to actually go and save people, or even be paid. We suck that’s all!”
This is great, but a few word choices pull me out of it. “The reality is” and “nor” are just too formal for a raw, profanity laced rant. Also, the line
“Her poor attitude could be explained by her rough background, but it made her widely unpopular among the rest of the crew.”
This is telling and not showing, I hate.
only because the rest of the story is good enough to not need it. The way the crew reacts to her already shows she’s unpopular. Cut that sentence entirely and let the dynamics do the work.
If I were editing this, I’d go with something like:
“Oh my god! Who fucking cares about -your- past glory? We’re stuck in this shitty middle-ground. We do not have the luxury of being civilians. No one’s coming to save us. We sure as hell aren't useful enough to actually go and save people... Or even be paid. We suck, that’s all!”
This feels more like a rant to me. More natural. The emphasis on
your adds a layer of tension too. like maybe Ingrid feels Benjamin focuses on himself too much, and it’s starting to grate the rest of the crew. IDK maybe I'm over thinking
Another line that felt off:
“Yeah. Be thankful Oscar is there to tolerate you.” chipped Dora in.
This doesn’t sound like something a 19-year-old would say, it also misses a chance to show the team dynamic more organically. I’d expect Dora to talk past Ingrid, not to her face, knowing it might start a fight. Something more like:
“Oscar, how do you deal with this chick?”
or
“Oscar, she’s being a bitch again!” She said under her breathe.
That feels more real. But again, I’m a dialogue snob, so take that with some salt.
One more thing—your dialogue tags. Stuff like:
“Why…?” inquired Dora nervously.
“It pays well.” he answered nonchalantly.
This stuff is weighing your dialogue down. The tone is already clear from the words themselves. You don’t need to spell it out. “He said” or “she said” is fine, most of the time. I do this too (way too much), which is why I’m gonna yell at you about it:
STOP. Or don’t. It’s kind of a style thing, but if you’re trying to streamline, this is an easy win.
There’s also some bloat and redundancy here and there.
For example:
“A more solemn silence dawned on the crew. Maurice had to leave his beloved New Orleans behind, and no matter how much he craved going back to his grandparents’ in Lafayette...”
The “beloved New Orleans” and “craved going back to his grandparents in Lafayette” are basically saying the same thing. Pick the stronger emotional hit. I’d keep the grandparents—it’s more personal, more human.
And then this chunk:
“He knew he could not come back unless he proved himself. More so for his own ego than his family, if he was being honest with himself. That bum needed to be useful, otherwise he feared becoming the worst version of himself. That desire was burning, just like his loyalty to Benjamin. He wanted to improve, no matter the cost.”
Feels like too much introspection for the frenchie in the moment. If he’s already that self-aware about his ego and motivations, where does he have to grow? If it’s not his POV and it’s just narration, then it feels kind of like an info dump. I’d either let that unfold slowly or hint at it more subtly.
TLDR:
This is a strong, character-driven piece with great potential. The dialogue is
so close to being incredible, the worldbuilding is solid, and the character dynamics shine. It’s just weighed down a bit by overwritten exposition, a few clunky lines, and some pacing drag.
