I'm curious to see how I'm doing so far

[Mono_Artist]

Now, I won't claim this is "an amazing life changing read" or even say it's good. But, I like the direction I'm taking this, and even though my writing isn't perfect (I need to go back and comb through the chapters, editing them) I want to think I have something here. Of course, if you're willing to check it out, thank you, and I'm open to any and all feedback.

The Witch and the Other-Worlder: A Tale of the Forgotten Lands

'It was like a blur to her. Stuck in a void, a stop sign, traces of red, and a door. Lona woke up, in a serene field, without any recollection of how she got there. In fact, she remembers nothing before waking up. She soon learns she's in a world...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[RepresentingWrath]

@RepresentingEnvy

 

[GodsChosenEmperor]

Well first off, I'm not a reviewer. I don't know what details to pick at and critique. But what I will do is tell you the things I liked and didn't.

Firstly, I liked the source of mystery instantly inserted into the story and the fact that we basically know nothing about this world. So we become interested as readers to know why the hell Lona is being treated this harshly for and what role she plays in the grand scheme of things. All with the witches and stuff.

Though I would have liked detailed imagery that describes the setting more, I think what you've done is good enough for a start.

What I didn't like however was the sense of flow to your writing. Sometimes the sentences feel too choppy and take me out of the story, especially when a sentence suddenly has present tense.

I think you could work on the dialogue and smooth it out a little more, it has a kind of kiddy effect. Like some toddlers that are just learning to speak or new actors performing on a stage. And not actually people conversing with each other, feeling actual emotions.

But all in all, looking at the people reading your story I think you have something going here. I'm sure there are others on here that could give you better recommendations on where to learn, but I'm just like you and learning from experience.

So I wish you the best of luck.

 

[StoneInky]

Mwahahahaha...did someone say feedback?


First Impression:

I think you tried to go for 'an interesting quote' for the first line. I don't like it usually, but in this case it gets the point across. The title confused me; I thought this would be a story about a magic witch, not slow paced philosophical mystery. Not bad, but you might wanna make it more clear.

The cover is pretty. Ten points for effort.


Thoughts on the Story:

The first thing I noticed in your story is grammar. Use a grammar checker, and not just for spelling mistakes. Make sure the sentences are structured in ways that make sense, and the words are in the correct form.

Second, the tone shifts too abruptly. The woman goes from a disorienated amnesiac in pain, to hearing voices(?) And entering a house. She acts perfectly fine, as if she's unaffected now, but she shouldn't be able to shake that off so quickly. The realization should come slower, and still kinda remain with her in the background as she does things, instead of being ignored and passed on. Because that is how real humans work.

This is also the case when the woman randomly wonders things. You want emotions to feel gradual, not like she's a robot who turned on thinking mode for three minutes. You want her to actually feel confused, and subtly act in ways that make her look confused. Maybe she keeps pursing her lips, and her steps are careful and hesitant. Stuff like that. You give us details like the wind gently blowing at her. But you want even more details. It's okay, you're getting there, just work on it.

Lastly, I agree with the person above. The dialogue feels too much like a bunch of actors on a stage. The conversation progressed too fast into the plot, and there wasn't much detail showing the personalities or quirks of the characters. You might think it's clearer for the dialogue to lay it all out and get to the point, but real people don't do that. Real people get suspicious, scared, grateful. They stumble over words or get embarrassed or hide information. They don't immediately spout important information about themselves so nonchalantly.

Hm... in conclusion, a story with promise, but with a detail problem. You need to sneak em into the story subtly. I know it's hard, but it'll really elevate your work. Good luck.

 

[Mono_Artist]

Mwahahahaha...did someone say feedback?


First Impression:

I think you tried to go for 'an interesting quote' for the first line. I don't like it usually, but in this case it gets the point across. The title confused me; I thought this would be a story about a magic witch, not slow paced philosophical mystery. Not bad, but you might wanna make it more clear.

The cover is pretty. Ten points for effort.


Thoughts on the Story:

The first thing I noticed in your story is grammar. Use a grammar checker, and not just for spelling mistakes. Make sure the sentences are structured in ways that make sense, and the words are in the correct form.

Second, the tone shifts too abruptly. The woman goes from a disorienated amnesiac in pain, to hearing voices(?) And entering a house. She acts perfectly fine, as if she's unaffected now, but she shouldn't be able to shake that off so quickly. The realization should come slower, and still kinda remain with her in the background as she does things, instead of being ignored and passed on. Because that is how real humans work.

This is also the case when the woman randomly wonders things. You want emotions to feel gradual, not like she's a robot who turned on thinking mode for three minutes. You want her to actually feel confused, and subtlely act in ways that make her look confused. Maybe she keeps pursing her lips, and her steps are careful and hesitant. Stuff like that. You give us details like the wind gently blowing at her. But you want even more details. It's okay, you're getting there, just work on it.

Lastly, I agree with the person above. The dialogue feels too much like a bunch of actors on a stage. The conversation progressed too fast into the plot, and there wasn't much detail showing the personalities or quirks of the characters. You might think it's clearer for the dialogue to lay it all out and get to the point, but real people don't do that. Real people get suspicious, scared, grateful. They stumble over words or get embarrassed or hide information. They don't immediately spout important information about themselves so nonchalantly.

Hm... in conclusion, a story with promise, but with a detail problem. You need to sneak em into the story subtlely. I know it's hard, but it'll really elevate your work. Good luck.

Hey, thanks for the feedback! It's definitely a work in progress, trying to elevate my writing in all (I'm glad people can look at this and be interested though and not see the previous iterations)

I would like to say "There's a reason for the tonal shifts" because, well, I do have a reason for the sudden shifting in these chapters, but I do also get how it's so abrupt and can throw people off, and I have been thinking how to adjust it so it fits the purpose while also not giving people all this whiplash. And as for grammar, yeaaaa. That's something I still need to fix.

As for the dialogue, I do definitely agree I laid out too much too fast, and made it feel almost like it's rehearsed. Because of my goal for this, it is one of the things I need to work on, and at least for these early chapters, edit.

I am glad to hear you say it has promise though! The title of the series will come more into play later (and magic), and I do thank you for bringing up things I could work on (and as for the cover, thanks, though it'll be changing whenever I finally decide to make a new one, the current one is 4 years old)

Well first off, I'm not a reviewer. I don't know what details to pick at and critique. But what I will do is tell you the things I liked and didn't.

Firstly, I liked the source of mystery instantly inserted into the story and the fact that we basically know nothing about this world. So we become interested as readers to know why the hell Lona is being treated this harshly for and what role she plays in the grand scheme of things. All with the witches and stuff.

Though I would have liked detailed imagery that describes the setting more, I think what you've done is good enough for a start.

What I didn't like however was the sense of flow to your writing. Sometimes the sentences feel too choppy and take me out of the story, especially when a sentence suddenly has present tense.

I think you could work on the dialogue and smooth it out a little more, it has a kind of kiddy effect. Like some toddlers that are just learning to speak or new actors performing on a stage. And not actually people conversing with each other, feeling actual emotions.

But all in all, looking at the people reading your story I think you have something going here. I'm sure there are others on here that could give you better recommendations on where to learn, but I'm just like you and learning from experience.

So I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

I actually appreciate you telling me you're not a reviewer, as it gives me the perspective from a more casual reader. Because there's things I do need to work on, like describing detailed imagery more, and working on the sentence structure so it comes out more fluidly. And as for the dialogue, it's definitely something I need to work on more, especially for the first few chapters