Are my chapters getting better or worse?

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Hello, I'm Thorn!

So, I still have a lot to learn when it comes to Webnovels and when I decided to write this LitRPG I didn't really have a hook. No end of the world or high stakes and I ruffled a few feathers for not having those aspects. But I didn't wanna make my MC suffer in this story because that's not the story I wanted to tell. Stuff does happen to my MC and it's more of a coming-of-age story with supernatural elements. I mostly write stories about people of color and my MC is a person of color. Recently, it's come to my attention that most people don't like reading about people of color unless their in pain. They can't be carefree.

But this is my first LitRPG and I'm still trying to navigate. My MC isn't perfect and his personality could be tweaked, right now he's just a clueless-cinnamon roll.

Anyway, if you have time please check out my story.

The Maverick and The Succubus [LitRPG]

5 Systems. 5 Royal Families. Greetings, Champion! 17 year-old, Collin Rex is a football player with a heart of gold. But his easygoing life is flipped upside-down when his older siblings fall into a mysterious coma. With no more tricks in their playbook Collin's folks decide to move back to...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[StoneInky]

Your synopsis is boring; you're just rambling off settings. Even the first chapter starts with a bunch of unnecessary exposition. Then we get the dude's conversation with his dad, which was unnatural, with terrible pacing. And I still can't tell what this novel is going to be about; the synopsis suggested a fantasy, but chapter one looks like a high teen drama(?) I'm confused and put off. You'll want to edit all that.

And the announcement makes no sense. What do you mean by 'I'm more traditional.'? Traditional what? Clarity, please.

I don't think the protagonist being black is what's putting off readers here.

 

[AnonUnlimited]

No one cares if the MC is a person of color. What they care about more is either:

A) They are relatable
B) They have a moral dilemma that must be explored
C) if they are boring, They have an enemy who is interesting

A lot of people try to act like their own bad writing is because of prejudice. No, that is not the case in 90% of stories.

 

[Empress_Omnii]

No one cares if the MC is a person of color. What they care about more is either

I read something in the past where someone said they liked the story, but still quit because the protagonist was too muscular... some people really do care about the physical characteristics like that.

But that isn't the case here- you won't be losing that many potential views because the protagonist isn't white.

 

[AnonUnlimited]

I read something in the past where someone said they liked the story, but still quit because the protagonist was too muscular... some people really do care about the physical characteristics like that.

But that isn't the case here- you won't be losing that many potential views because the protagonist isn't white.

Okay, I stand corrrected.

ONE person cares.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Your synopsis is boring; you're just rambling off settings. Even the first chapter starts with a bunch of unnecessary exposition. Then we get the dude's conversation with his dad, which was unnatural, with terrible pacing. And I still can't tell what this novel is going to be about; the synopsis suggested a fantasy, but chapter one looks like a high teen drama(?) I'm confused and put off. You'll want to edit all that.

And the announcement makes no sense. What do you mean by 'I'm more traditional.'? Traditional what? Clarity, please.

I don't think the protagonist being black is what's putting off readers here.

So, the synopsis.

I'm not sure how to change it or make it better. It doesn't have super high stakes and there's no end of the world drama. Slice Of Life and LitRPG is something I'm still new at. But it does have supernatural elements, my MC will gets his system differently.

About the traditional part. I was told that Webnovels have to hook you right away while traditional novels you have until chapter 5 to hook them.

No one cares if the MC is a person of color. What they care about more is either:

A) They are relatable
B) They have a moral dilemma that must be explored
C) if they are boring, They have an enemy who is interesting

A lot of people try to act like their own bad writing is because of prejudice. No, that is not the case in 90% of stories.

My bad that wasn't my intention. I'm not saying people don't like my story because of my MC's race, I was saying I've been seeing this a lot in BookTok and other sources.

I'm aware my writing is lacking. The thing is I'm still new to Slice of Life and LitRPG. So, I'm failing at writing a good synopsis

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Okay, I stand corrrected.

ONE person cares.

I have a question.

How I make a Slice Of Life-LitRPG interesting right away without Isekai?

 

[Empress_Omnii]

How I make a Slice Of Life-LitRPG interesting right away without Isekai?

What about isekai makes it interesting?
If it's the unknown new world... just show off your world building.
Make the readers want to see the world. Make things unique, if it needs to be LitRPG... make the way the characters have to interact with the system interesting.

Don't just use isekai litrpg. What about else can these elements add? Why did you want them? What makes them work, and what can you do to make them appealing.

 

[AnonUnlimited]

I have a question.

How I make a Slice Of Life-LitRPG interesting right away without Isekai?

I want you to note: This is my opinion, and it might not be correct. It's not based on any actual hard numbers or factual market research but on anecdotal experience seeing what people comment on some stories. So don't take what I say as 100% factual.
---------

You need to make it about exploring something.
Maybe an interesting person with a different way of life, or perhaps a wild story about people getting in trouble.
Perhaps its about a unique living situation where parents are different from the norm

The thing about slice of life is they are often difficult to keep going unless the main character is someone the reader wants to follow and care for, so making them endearing is for the better.

There are reasons slice of life don't seem to be the most popular genre, but the people who love it, love it greatly.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

I want you to note: This is my opinion, and it might not be correct. It's not based on any actual hard numbers or factual market research but on anecdotal experience seeing what people comment on some stories. So don't take what I say as 100% factual.
---------

You need to make it about exploring something.
Maybe an interesting person with a different way of life, or perhaps a wild story about people getting in trouble.
Perhaps its about a unique living situation where parents are different from the norm

The thing about slice of life is they are often difficult to keep going unless the main character is someone the reader wants to follow and care for, so making them endearing is for the better.

There are reasons slice of life don't seem to be the most popular genre, but the people who love it, love it greatly.

Thank you for the advice.

I'm not upset, just wanna understand.

What about isekai makes it interesting?
If it's the unknown new world... just show off your world building.
Make the readers want to see the world. Make things unique, if it needs to be LitRPG... make the way the characters have to interact with the system interesting.

Don't just use isekai litrpg. What about else can these elements add? Why did you want them? What makes them work, and what can you do to make them appealing.

Thank you.

 

[StoneInky]

So, the synopsis.

I'm not sure how to change it or make it better. It doesn't have super high stakes and there's no end of the world drama. Slice Of Life and LitRPG is something I'm still new at. But it does have supernatural elements, my MC will gets his system differently.

About the traditional part. I was told that Webnovels have to hook you right away while traditional novels you have until chapter 5 to hook them.



My bad that wasn't my intention. I'm not saying people don't like my story because of my MC's race, I was saying I've been seeing this a lot in BookTok and other sources.

I'm aware my writing is lacking. The thing is I'm still new to Slice of Life and LitRPG. So, I'm failing at writing a good synopsis

As a big lover of slice of life, (I'm obsessed with the genre, tbh) it is very possible to write an interesting synopsis. Just tell readers what to expect. Erase the sentences telling us the background stuff and the family settings, and tell us what the story is about. Dude who moves to another town, meets emo friend, and suddenly gains Maverick system. That's it.

And about 'hooking readers'. It's not that complicated- just make your novel start off fun from the start. Start off with plot. Don't drone about background info about this dude, have him do stuff and get involved with stuff, like the System you mentioned earlier, or the friend.

You're writing a webnovel. The reason traditional novels get longer time to hook readers in, is because readers already have the physical book in their hand. And it's edited, finished, and someone paid to publish this, so readers already know it's at least not trash quality.
But webnovels are different. Anyone can post a webnovel, it costs nothing, and there's a lot of trash out there. So readers will not waste time on your novel if they suspect it is boring trash.

So you have to SHOW it is not boring trash early. Show them what you promised you'll give em in the synopsis. And begging readers does not work.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

As a big lover of slice of life, (I'm obsessed with the genre, tbh) it is very possible to write an interesting synopsis. Just tell readers what to expect. Erase the sentences telling us the background stuff and the family settings, and tell us what the story is about. Dude who moves to another town, meets emo friend, and suddenly gains Maverick system. That's it.

And about 'hooking readers'. It's not that complicated- just make your novel start off fun from the start. Start off with plot. Don't drone about background info about this dude, have him do stuff and get involved with stuff, like the System you mentioned earlier, or the friend.

You're writing a webnovel. The reason traditional novels get longer time to hook readers in, is because readers already have the physical book in their hand. And it's edited, finished, and someone paid to publish this, so readers already know it's at least not trash quality.
But webnovels are different. Anyone can post a webnovel, it costs nothing, and there's a lot of trash out there. So readers will not waste time on your novel if they suspect it is boring trash.

So you have to SHOW it is not boring trash early. Show them what you promised you'll give em in the synopsis. And begging readers does not work.

StoneInky, you are pretty cool and insightful. If you can ever find the time to glance at my story again I would appreciate it. But if not that's fine, you were a big help and I might ask for your opinion on other projects of that's okay?

 

[StoneInky]

StoneInky, you are pretty cool and insightful. If you can ever find the time to glance at my story again I would appreciate it. But if not that's fine, you were a big help and I might ask for your opinion on other projects of that's okay?

It's ok.

Hm... this may sound cruel, but Chapter 1 feels unnecessary. The exposition is still there.

I like Chapter Two better. You might want to add more details here. For example, when you say Collin sat down by his friends at the table, help the reader imagine how exactly they are interacting.

What table? Where exactly are they? In the cafeteria, or a park bench? Maybe Blaine grins and puts his backpack to the side as he sits down. Maybe Collin's shoulders slump and he shakes his head when answering no.

Why is Emmi suddenly asking if he's dating anyone? Is she interested in Collin? Then maybe she leans in closer, tugs at his shoulder, and asks him in a high pitched tone. Maybe her eyes are darting to her friend group because she's embarrassed.

Lockers. It's going to be noisy and filled with other kids. Collin might sidestep students trying to knock into him.

Then we get to Helena. Pacing is way too fast. You want to go slower here, lmao. It's not bad, you just want to make her seem more mysterious and less... hm... matter of fact? Make Collin think she's weird. Act tense. Wrinkle his nose.

Things like that. You don't need to overload detail, but right now you have too little of it.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

It's ok.

Hm... this may sound cruel, but Chapter 1 feels unnecessary. The exposition is still there.

I like Chapter Two better. You might want to add more details here. For example, when you say Collin sat down by his friends at the table, help the reader imagine how exactly they are interacting.

What table? Where exactly are they? In the cafeteria, or a park bench? Maybe Blaine grins and puts his backpack to the side as he sits down. Maybe Collin's shoulders slump and he shakes his head when answering no.

Why is Emmi suddenly asking if he's dating anyone? Is she interested in Collin? Then maybe she leans in closer, tugs at his shoulder, and asks him in a high pitched tone. Maybe her eyes are darting to her friend group because she's embarrassed.

Lockers. It's going to be noisy and filled with other kids. Collin might sidestep students trying to knock into him.

Then we get to Helena. Pacing is way too fast. You want to go slower here, lmao. It's not bad, you just want to make her seem more mysterious and less... hm... matter of fact? Make Collin think she's weird. Act tense. Wrinkle his nose.

Things like that. You don't need to overload detail, but right now you have too little of it.

So, chapter 1 is unnecessary? Okay, I'll keep that in mind and get rid of that chapter once the story is complete. Btw, I appreciate all your suggestions and I will definitely take them to heart ?

 

[StoneInky]

So, chapter 1 is unnecessary? Okay, I'll keep that in mind and get rid of that chapter once the story is complete. Btw, I appreciate all your suggestions and I will definitely take them to heart ?

You don't have to completely follow my review, lol. They're just things I noticed as a reader.

You can choose which ones you agree with and think are right, and which ones you would rather fix your own way, or not change at all. If you want, you can also go the opposite route and fully flesh out Chapter one and his convo with his dad. It'll sell the 'siblings in coma' part.

Anyway, you have options. I'm just telling you which ones I think will work better.

Saying this cuz you're scaryyyyyy.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

I'll take a look in a bit, at least you're doing your own work. I've run across so much AI that I'm starting to hate giving feedback

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

You don't have to completely follow my review, lol. They're just things I noticed as a reader.

You can choose which ones you agree with and think are right, and which ones you would rather fix your own way, or not change at all. If you want, you can also go the opposite route and fully flesh out Chapter one and his convo with his dad. It'll sell the 'siblings in coma' part.

Anyway, you have options. I'm just telling you which ones I think will work better.

Saying this cuz you're scaryyyyyy.

Are you a big fan of first-person or third-person?

I'll take a look in a bit, at least you're doing your own work. I've run across so much AI that I'm starting to hate giving feedback

Hey, I appreciate you giving me a chance because I do wanna improve.

 

[StoneInky]

Are you a big fan of first-person or third-person?


Hey, I appreciate you giving me a chance because I do wanna improve.

I love bothhhh! I grew up with Percy Jackson as my favorite novel when I was a kid, so I do prefer writing in first person, But for reading? It doesn't matter. It just depends which fits your novel better.

For your novel hm... I think it wouldn't matter too much. Choose whichever you're comfortable with.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Are you a big fan of first-person or third-person?

I know this was addressed to someone else but - it really depends on the story (and how "honest" you want to be with your readers - in third person, you have to be a faithful reporter, while in first person, you can write the story around how the character SEES things, rather than what is really happening).
Also first person usually implies the narrator survives the tale, so that may be a plus or a minus.

ONE person cares.

I would say between 5 and 10% of readers care.
About 3 percent are worried about the minutia, like a character is too muscular, or they're sick of reading about blondes or something.
About 5 percent are upset about under-representation and gripe long and loud about it.
The other two percent are at least as loud about "forced diversity" and "OVER representation"...
So expect that ten percent to not be happy with ANYTHING and just ignore them...

How I make a Slice Of Life-LitRPG interesting right away without Isekai?

Focus on the characters first, story second, LitRPG elements last.
This is done fairly well in I Blinked and now I’m Famous | Scribble Hub if you want an example of how to do it.