Looking for feedback

[Evinoran]

Hello!
This is my first time publishing original work, as most of my previous works in other sites are fanfictions.

Link to the work is here, it’s a fantasy story set in an advanced world, so perhaps fantasy with a dash of sci-fi? It features GL, as well.

To anyone replying, thank you for taking your time ^^

 

[DismaiNaim]

I got mostly through the first chapter. It's rushed.

love the premise. I love the idea behind this, and if you implement it right, it could really REALLY work.

However, the writing is impatient. A lot of things feel rushed, especially when she gets the gun thingy. You have "monsters" but I can't see any monsters, can't hear them, can't smell them, they're just... there, and she shoots at them with no reason whatsoever.

In general, this suffers from "show don't tell." The opening sequence is a good premise, but there's a lot of expository. That is, you directly telling the audience what's what and how MC feels about it. One example: her happiness meter. You explain that if it drops too much, the omni-seers come after her. Then later on, she gets the error message as it drops. You can simply show the message after it drops, without the explanation. Later on,

Don't explain the world. Simply have the characters interact with it, and your audience can figure out the rules along the way.

 

[Evinoran]

I got mostly through the first chapter. It's rushed.

love the premise. I love the idea behind this, and if you implement it right, it could really REALLY work.

However, the writing is impatient. A lot of things feel rushed, especially when she gets the gun thingy. You have "monsters" but I can't see any monsters, can't hear them, can't smell them, they're just... there, and she shoots at them with no reason whatsoever.

In general, this suffers from "show don't tell." The opening sequence is a good premise, but there's a lot of expository. That is, you directly telling the audience what's what and how MC feels about it. One example: her happiness meter. You explain that if it drops too much, the omni-seers come after her. Then later on, she gets the error message as it drops. You can simply show the message after it drops, without the explanation. Later on,

Don't explain the world. Simply have the characters interact with it, and your audience can figure out the rules along the way.

Thank you for your feedback!

I was torn between keeping it slow or making it quick, and I did decide to make it quick. It was a little over… 4k, initially? But thinking that would bore people, I cut away the angstier parts.

I’ll try to see if I can get it towards more show less tell.

 

[DismaiNaim]

Thank you for your feedback!

I was torn between keeping it slow or making it quick, and I did decide to make it quick. It was a little over… 4k, initially? But thinking that would bore people, I cut away the angstier parts.

I’ll try to see if I can get it towards more show less tell.

Length doesn't bore anyone. You can have 100 words of chaff and it's too long, or have 10,000 of gold and it's over too quickly.

If this were my story, I'd take about 3000 words to walk through MC's day and have nothing happen, just introduce the audience to the world. Drop a few hints here and there, definitely use that happy meter to drip-feed MC's fear of it dropping too low, and let that be the primary tension for the whole first Chapter.

 

[TheIcMan]

I was torn between keeping it slow or making it quick, and I did decide to make it quick. It was a little over… 4k, initially? But thinking that would bore people, I cut away the angstier parts.

Slow burn >>> quick

Realistically tho, people will want that super quick hook to keep them reading. Finding that balance is what makes a good writer.

Honestly I did check out your story, and the first few paragraphs were pretty interesting, so I’ll be back to share some thoughts after I read more

 

[7ydy]

i think that whenever i saw the [brackets] my brain turned off. explain how she recieves the brackets. is a computer constantly reading her mind and telepathically talking to her, is she just reading the messages?

i guess i'm curious, if the narrator is just pretending to be happy, how is she fooling the system? it seems like she's all alone, is that true? is she the only person in this labyrinth where she's monitored 100% of the time, or are there other people there with her?

agree that you need a chapter before this to set up the world. i want to see her going to the store(?) and going to work(?), interacting with her friends(?) tricking the computer(?)

i like the idea of the mirror guide.

we need to see the monsters.

when you said "a gun" i imagined a huge revolver. it was pretty impactful, for her to be in this airy world where nothing really matters and be given cold hard steel she can hold. finding out that wasn't the case, i think you should call it a scifi gun name "plasma gun"/"electro gun" something more descriptive. or? make it so she gets a real fucking gun as a point of contrast between everything which came befoee.

it seems like she's back inside the construct at the start of chapter 2. i was surprised how much that revelation impacted me.

(i think hunter should be a girl but thats bc i love when lesbians read my mind and give me a big gun)

 

[Evinoran]

i think that whenever i saw the [brackets] my brain turned off. explain how she recieves the brackets. is a computer constantly reading her mind and telepathically talking to her, is she just reading the messages?

i guess i'm curious, if the narrator is just pretending to be happy, how is she fooling the system? it seems like she's all alone, is that true? is she the only person in this labyrinth where she's monitored 100% of the time, or are there other people there with her?

agree that you need a chapter before this to set up the world. i want to see her going to the store(?) and going to work(?), interacting with her friends(?) tricking the computer(?)

i like the idea of the mirror guide.

we need to see the monsters.

when you said "a gun" i imagined a huge revolver. it was pretty impactful, for her to be in this airy world where nothing really matters and be given cold hard steel she can hold. finding out that wasn't the case, i think you should call it a scifi gun name "plasma gun"/"electro gun" something more descriptive. or? make it so she gets a real fucking gun as a point of contrast between everything which came befoee.

it seems like she's back inside the construct at the start of chapter 2. i was surprised how much that revelation impacted me.

(i think hunter should be a girl but thats bc i love when lesbians read my mind and give me a big gun)

First of all, thanks for reading!

Hunter is a girl with a gun, yes (the redhead in the cover is her), and I was specifically picturing a revolver, that is correct. At first I did consider giving her something bigger but I’d imagine someone sheltered won’t be able to handle the weight, so revolver it is. I pictured it in my head as, if you watch KHR, something similar to the gun Xanxus uses - it’s kind of intentional that the (yes, cold, hard, metal) weapon she gets clashes with the rest of the setting. The entire place was meant to stink of manufactured perfection made with technology, her weapon is meant to look like something from outside

Yeah, it seems that I really need to set up better. In the rush to get into the meat and not bore people (because iirc I read an advice telling that max length for WN should be 2-2.5k), I cut out a lot, I mean, not many want to see someone going around to a workplace.

Her pretense is based off the refresh rate of the device, so to speak, the thing needs a bit of time to actually adjust, so there’s a window where she could school her feelings in time before the number drops.

also yes hello I’m a bi girl and I like gun wielding military ladies