(Feedback)Want to get my chapter 1 right before doing anything else

[Adonalsium-Will-Remember-Ou]

Need feedbacks for it review it based on if you would click the next chapter button or if you would drop it without clicking it. If you think it sucks dont just think it sucks, say it sucks and give me feedback for why it sucks so i can keep that in mind for my future chapters

Golden ruins - Yellow, yellow and more yellow | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[DismaiNaim]

It doesn't suck. You have a poetic way of bringing the world to life, still shrouded in mystery.

You do have a lot of typos, but that's easily fixed with some more proofreading.

Your biggest drag is the expository moments, telling the audience outright what happened [the world has come to an end] and [history class is supposed to start]. This kills tension.

Your MC seems a tad neurodivergent, which is a nice touch. Show what he sees and hears, maybe express his worry. Don't tell your audience that the class was supposed to start or why, make them wonder why it's a big deal. Don't tell them the world has ended, show them the devastation and make them wonder what happened.

 

[ShrimpShady]

I dig the premise and setting, at least what we've gotten so far. However, I'd say it'd do you good to slow down and let the story really settle. It felt like the chapter just went by and I wasn't invested to the point of foaming at the mouth over what could happen next. I think you'd sell readers even more on your setting by exploring it even further. What does the vault look like? Are there animals outside of the vault? What exactly is different about this world? Etc. In addition, I'm not sold on the characters. We don't really know anything about them. What kind of person is Jonah? What's his personality like? What's his relationship like with his father? I'm not saying you should reveal everything from the start, but just enough for readers to latch onto. Don't worry about stretching out the word count for it. This is important stuff for an opening chapter.

And although it may be cliched, you'd benefit from more showing instead of telling. Instead of naming each fluctuation of the protagonist's emotions as they go by, you could communicate more through body language, what he fixates on, or what he's thinking. Some dialogue between Jonah and his father could also reveal a lot about the world and characters without feeling like exposition. I hope you get the idea. I assume this story will place a huge emphasis on its setting, so these are just my thoughts on how to make the setting more engaging for readers.

Overall, I would click on the next chapter to see where you take the story, but I'm not as invested as I would like to be.

 

[Adonalsium-Will-Remember-Ou]

It doesn't suck. You have a poetic way of bringing the world to life, still shrouded in mystery.

You do have a lot of typos, but that's easily fixed with some more proofreading.

Your biggest drag is the expository moments, telling the audience outright what happened [the world has come to an end] and [history class is supposed to start]. This kills tension.

Your MC seems a tad neurodivergent, which is a nice touch. Show what he sees and hears, maybe express his worry. Don't tell your audience that the class was supposed to start or why, make them wonder why it's a big deal. Don't tell them the world has ended, show them the devastation and make them wonder what happened.

Ill keep those in mind and try to see a few examples of show and not tell ty for the feedback

I dig the premise and setting, at least what we've gotten so far. However, I'd say it'd do you good to slow down and let the story really settle. It felt like the chapter just went by and I wasn't invested to the point of foaming at the mouth over what could happen next. I think you'd sell readers even more on your setting by exploring it even further. What does the vault look like? Are there animals outside of the vault? What exactly is different about this world? Etc. In addition, I'm not sold on the characters. We don't really know anything about them. What kind of person is Jonah? What's his personality like? What's his relationship like with his father? I'm not saying you should reveal everything from the start, but just enough for readers to latch onto. Don't worry about stretching out the word count for it. This is important stuff for an opening chapter.

And although it may be cliched, you'd benefit from more showing instead of telling. Instead of naming each fluctuation of the protagonist's emotions as they go by, you could communicate more through body language, what he fixates on, or what he's thinking. Some dialogue between Jonah and his father could also reveal a lot about the world and characters without feeling like exposition. I hope you get the idea. I assume this story will place a huge emphasis on its setting, so these are just my thoughts on how to make the setting more engaging for readers.

Overall, I would click on the next chapter to see where you take the story, but I'm not as invested as I would like to be.

I tried to get the setting on the center but i couldnt add more than this without it being an info dump thingie
Edit: actually now that i look at it again the walking to the hill scene doesnt seem descriptive enough i believe i can put something there to make it better
I wonder if this could be chapter 2 and not 1 anyways ty for the feedback

Ill keep those in mind and try to see a few examples of show and not tell ty for the feedback


I tried to get the setting on the center but i couldnt add more than this without it being an info dump thingie
I wonder if this could be chapter 2 and not 1 anyways ty for the feedback

Also what are some good examples of show and not tell?

 

[TheIcMan]

Ayyyyy y'know what? This wasn't bad. Actually, for scribblehub standards, I'd argue it's pretty great lmao. Great usage of the senses--I could practically feel and smell the world. Honestly very fluid and great prose.

I have two critical points. As the others said, the main thing to think about is showing more and telling less. The second, while the world seems pretty sicc so far, I need more character work. The fact that there's only a single line of dialogue hurts my soul. This section really sells what I'm trying to get at:

The latest gift his father Johannes gifted him was a set of photos which he found in the old library. They were pictures of the city where the bunker was near, taken on a few hills that still existed. Finding this interesting Jonah visited the hills where the photos were taken from. When he reached those hills he compared the city with the pictures. While doing this he felt calm. He felt happy instead of sad because of what the city could have been. This intrigued Jonah. After this moment every day he would go up the hills and compare the pictures and the city.

"Jonah visited the hills where the photos were taken from" honestly should be a scene all on its own. We should see the journey and his first reaction to seeing the origin of the photos. Give some details that would speak of Jonah's character. Specific things that catch his eye.

"While doing this he felt calm". "He felt happy." This part is what we mean by telling less. And honestly, you can do it, because you did it in the literal next paragraph lmao.

He sat down at a spot where he could see the city from and took a deep breath, setting down his pocketwatch on the ground before starting to compare the landscape with the photograph.

Just add more detail here and you get a good "show" of Jonah feeling calm, instead of telling us that's how he feels. Stuff like "a warm feeling rose in his chest" or "he leaned back and smelled the fresh air as his gaze lingered on the city".

Adjust those two points, and you are on the road to be a certified chef.

 

[Adonalsium-Will-Remember-Ou]

Ayyyyy y'know what? This wasn't bad. Actually, for scribblehub standards, I'd argue it's pretty great lmao. Great usage of the senses--I could practically feel and smell the world. Honestly very fluid and great prose.

I have two critical points. As the others said, the main thing to think about is showing more and telling less. The second, while the world seems pretty sicc so far, I need more character work. The fact that there's only a single line of dialogue hurts my soul. This section really sells what I'm trying to get at:

"Jonah visited the hills where the photos were taken from" honestly should be a scene all on its own. We should see the journey and his first reaction to seeing the origin of the photos. Give some details that would speak of Jonah's character. Specific things that catch his eye.

"While doing this he felt calm". "He felt happy." This part is what we mean by telling less. And honestly, you can do it, because you did it in the literal next paragraph lmao.

Just add more detail here and you get a good "show" of Jonah feeling calm, instead of telling us that's how he feels. Stuff like "a warm feeling rose in his chest" or "he leaned back and smelled the fresh air as his gaze lingered on the city".

Adjust those two points, and you are on the road to be a certified chef.

Currently changing a few stuff about the first chapter i dont like just got to the picture part will keep that in mind ty
Edit: and now i feel like i made the beginning parts worse fun

 

[Adonalsium-Will-Remember-Ou]

I think i have a decent chapter 1 now can you guys give feedback on it aswell?

Ruins of Gold - Echoes of color (1) | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Hope i did the show not tell part right was trying to do it correctly
How do i ping u3
Probably cant hope yall see this

 

[Adonalsium-Will-Remember-Ou]

It doesn't suck. You have a poetic way of bringing the world to life, still shrouded in mystery.

You do have a lot of typos, but that's easily fixed with some more proofreading.

Your biggest drag is the expository moments, telling the audience outright what happened [the world has come to an end] and [history class is supposed to start]. This kills tension.

Your MC seems a tad neurodivergent, which is a nice touch. Show what he sees and hears, maybe express his worry. Don't tell your audience that the class was supposed to start or why, make them wonder why it's a big deal. Don't tell them the world has ended, show them the devastation and make them wonder what happened.

Proofreading doesnt fix typos :v anyways whats a good way to proofread

 

[DismaiNaim]

Proofreading doesnt fix typos :v anyways whats a good way to proofread

1) listen to it. With a good screen reader you can hear a lot of Sims

2) read it backwards, one paragraph at a time

3) small bites for short periods of time help me to focus on spelling & grammar

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Proofreading doesnt fix typos :v anyways whats a good way to proofread

IME, best way is to have someone else do it for you - but they usually want money (or you get what you pay for...)

There are a lot of oddly constructed sentences - is English not your primary language?

 

[Adonalsium-Will-Remember-Ou]

IME, best way is to have someone else do it for you - but they usually want money (or you get what you pay for...)

There are a lot of oddly constructed sentences - is English not your primary language?

Its not, which sentences would you say are weirdly constructed?

1) listen to it. With a good screen reader you can hear a lot of Sims

2) read it backwards, one paragraph at a time

3) small bites for short periods of time help me to focus on spelling & grammar

Good ideas ty
Also how do i go from one paragraph to the other without it feeling too abrupt

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Its not which sentences would you say are weirdly constructed?

Here's a section - the next paragraph after this was even stranger but:

Inside it Jonah could feel stone under his foot, hard and not giving, always staying like it was, he could forget the suffocating smell of grain, that never changed.

Inside, Jonah could feel stone underfoot [or "under his feet" - either one works], unyielding, unchanging; he could forget the suffocating, eternal smell of grain.

 

[Adonalsium-Will-Remember-Ou]

Here's a section - the next paragraph after this was even stranger but:


Inside, Jonah could feel stone underfoot [or "under his feet" - either one works], unyielding, unchanging; he could forget the suffocating, eternal smell of grain.

Under his feet sounds so much more correct than under his foot
Anyways i see what you mean by weirdly wordes i wanted to make it the opposite of grain but failed lul ty