New story, 18/20 chapters posted. Would love some feedback.

[Deleted member 189621]

I've been posting chapters of 8 Chronicles: Eden on here, and it's doing okay but I haven't gotten any engagement yet. I'd like to know what people think.

 

[TheIcMan]

Would help if you posted the link

 

[CharlesEBrown]

It's there, but hidden if you're on a mobile device
8 Chronicles: Eden | Scribble Hub

 

[TheIcMan]

It's there, but hidden if you're on a mobile device
8 Chronicles: Eden | Scribble Hub

HUH. Bro…..


Welp. I learned something new. Thanks for sharing it.

 

[TheIcMan]

Okay. This is extremely messy. I couldn't make it past the prologue the stuff before the Chapter 1 title. My eyes basically glazed over.

The main problem? The lack of the mythic and infamous "show don't tell". Obviously there's nuance to that phrase, but I really am talking about the basics here.

Rafael was only fourteen, yet he had a strange magnetism. The audience held their breath as he attacked his opponent, feinted, parried, then danced around, spinning his staff beautifully.

This is the third paragraph. Cool, we have a scene. An incredibly barebones one. The first sentence is just... honestly it annoys me to no end lmao. Instead of describing his youthful appearance, you say he's 14. You just say he has magnetism instead of showing a charismatic grin as he fights against his opponent, OR if he isn't a charming sort, a stoic yet awe-inspiring coolness. And then you speedrun the fight for some reason. Well, there is a reason. It's why this is so messy.

Is Rafael our protagonist? Generally he would be right, since he's the first character we're introduced to. But no. Here comes my next big issue. It's one I am very familiar with and it's why I recognized this is a mess. You are introducing way too many characters in one scene.

Steward Arthur Avalyn wanted to watch his son compete, but his attention was needed elsewhere. Captain Reynard was escorting an unfamiliar guest to the shaded balcony Arthur shared with his daughters Morgan and Lyn and his mother Henrietta. Only Arthur and Morgan stood to greet the man. Lyn was young enough, and Henrietta was old enough, to get away with remaining seated.

Steward Arthur Avalyn, Captain Reynard, Morgan, Lyn, Henrietta. All in one paragraph. The last three are almost entirely irrelevant to the scene, so they should've been nameless until, well, they're relevant.

And the actual details in this scene are so depressingly famished that I struggled to read further. The first sentence is painful. Incredibly so. [Profession][Name] wants thing, but has to do other thing. Instead of describing a proud father sadly ripping his eyes away from his son's match to take care of steward business, we get that. We don't get the clanking of Reynard's armor that notified Arthur in the first place of his arrival. We don't get descriptions of Arthur's family, nor the unfamiliar guest that showed up. We don't get a description of the way Arthur and Morgan greet him. We don't get a description of Lyn trying to get up to copy her sister, only for her father to gently wave her down. We don't get a visual of Henrietta simply waving to greet the guest, as, despite her immobility, she is wise to acknowledge someone's presence. Am I making stuff up about these characters? I guess I am, because there's nothing else to go off of. And I just straight up hate that last sentence lol. Far, far too awkward.

Another one for sir Brother Timothy.

Brother Timothy was short and gaunt, with strawberry blonde hair and black robes. A simple-looking man, except for the eye. His left eye was a vertical slit, like a cat's eye. It had a soul-chilling effect, like looking into the eye of a killer.

This is actually a decent paragraph. Especially the second sentence. "The eye? Singular? Ooh what does that mean?" - person reading this. It looks like a cat's! Sick! And then you're telling me that it's like I'm looking at a killer!
....
Huh?
Why. You were on the right track.
Here, I'll do it again.
Describe the chill that goes down Arthur's spine as he greets this man. Make him take note of that frightening eye. Show the unease he has because of his intrusion on this special time. But wait? You did later in the next paragraph after they shake hands. It's like... everything's been all jumbled up and scattered from where they should be. It's just not coherent.

This is a prime example of excessive telling:

Steward Avalyn offered, hoping the good brother would leave so Arthur could cheer for his son. Arthur heard the audience groan in unison but stayed focused.

Just. Words. Flat out stating intentions. No description or nuance that showed Arthur's real desire. There's zero actual character here to attach to because all of it is just being narrated. It's just a whole bunch of narration and passive voice. It's terrifyingly dull.

I wouldn't be harping on this so much if there were at least ONE scene that showed a character's personality or a description of how they felt. Shorthanding descriptions to tell only works if there are other descriptions. If it's entirely telling, it's unbearable.

I tried to keep going after the Chapter 1 mark, but when I read this:

It was Apple's duty to take care of, manage, and interpret for Lyn, and she was devoted, not that Apple had a choice in the matter. Apple was a capuchin monkey familiar, given a higher sentience by Godfather Adam Himself.

I gave up.

WHO IS APPLE??? The following paragraphs don't help in the slightest in keeping things cohesive.

Some creatures spent their lives wondering about their purpose in life, but not Apple. She was blessed and cursed to know precisely why: to serve the Avalyn family and interpret for Lyn.

Apple was given to Lyn when the girl was just two years old. When Godfather Adam heard news that Lyn had been born deaf, He created Apple to be Lyn's lifelong companion.

Steward Avalyn graciously declined, but the Godfather insisted. Apple would be Lyn's teacher and interpreter, and that was the end of discussion. Steward Avalyn could say nothing more but offer his gratitude for such a generous gift. After all, no one else on the island of Crescent could afford a familiar.

So who's the main character? Rafael? Lyn? Arthur? Apple maybe, considering we're getting all this backstory right away in Chapter 1? I can't tell.

Basically TL;DR, this reads less like a story and more like a broad overview summary of one.

The best thing that will help you is, one, learn how to show. And two, anchor the perspective to one character to make things cohesive. Flying all over the place only makes things confusing.

 

[naosu]

I like that your very clear about the tags and content. Some people will like your story.

I do think that mislabeling of tags and being unclear about which genre tags are for a story are the real cause of many bad ratings. (Or people not paying attention to them.)

Good luck!

 

[Doctah_Quack]

It's there, but hidden if you're on a mobile device
8 Chronicles: Eden | Scribble Hub

You can see them in landscape mode.

HUH. Bro…..

View attachment 36977
Welp. I learned something new. Thanks for sharing it.

You can see them in landscape mode.

 

[TheIcMan]

You can see them in landscape mode.

You can see them in landscape mode.

You’d think being a mid-20s, first year zoomer would let me think out of the box like that but nope. I’m constrained to the ever present tragedy of vertical scrolling