What Blurb sounds more enticing to you?

[Garolymar]

Never been good at selling myself or stories. I was wondering what blurb you think might be more interesting?

This is a smaller one, more focused on the main characters:
Brothers Callahan and Rowan wield beastly binds to save their dying mom—one fragile, one fearless. In Onoria’s empire, they hunt monsters for gold—until a rebel’s anima bomb ignites a war. Caught between the vengeful Golden Hand Aurelio, and a fading god’s whims, their magic twists flesh and fate. Aided by a trickster fairy, they dodge dungeons and betrayal, but the Accord’s breaking—and so might they. Gritty fantasy of loyalty and loss—where every bind could be their last.

This is the current one, that focuses more on the grander world and what is going on in the background. Which to me is interesting but I dunno about others.

In the beginning, six grand consciousnesses shaped the universe with a divine order, binding the heavens and earth through their vision. This cosmic agreement, known as the Eternal Accord, dictates the world's natural laws, where subtle disagreements among the gods create Binds-manipulable magic-and, for the chosen few, Breakers-powerful spells that defy the gods' laws. Now, in an unstable era, one god, Lughren, faces the slow decay of his power, while another, Onorus, seeks to impose his singular vision on the world through conquest. His people's greed and ambition drive him toward a new, unyielding order. Amid this conflict, two brothers-Callahan and Rowan, descendents of Lughrens' people-stumble upon a relic of the ancient god and are thrust into a dangerous quest to reclaim their forgotten heritage. As the world's fragile balance teeters, they must confront their destiny and decide whether to restore the fading order or let it crumble entirely.

Maybe I just use both?

 

[Placeholder]

I mentally checked out at this point:

>In the beginning, six grand consciousnesses shaped the universe with a divine order,

And this point:
> wield beastly binds

 

[okashihime]

I read the first one in full,

Stopped at "In the beginning, six grand consciousnesses"

 

[DanteDeathscythe]

The first one I tried to read, but nothing stuck in my mind, at the end all that was left was: 'Two brothers fantasy adventure'

The second one made me scroll to next comment without even trying to read.

 

[APieceOfRock]

First one definitely more enticing, but there's too many "—." I'm not saying that it's AI, but I've been avoiding — in my works because AI just loves to use it for some reason.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

OK - what are "beastly binds"?

 

[AncestorDuck]

First one definitely more enticing, but there's too many "—." I'm not saying that it's AI, but I've been avoiding — in my works because AI just loves to use it for some reason.

Glad Im not the only one with this problem

OK - what are "beastly binds"?

binds that bind a beast?

 

[Garolymar]

OK - what are "beastly binds"?

Might be too much to use magic system lingo in the blurb then eh?

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Might be too much to use magic system lingo in the blurb then eh?

Probably, as it could mean they are bound to beasts. or they are bound in some beastly manner, or that they were tricked into a bad ("beastly") deal (bind), perhaps by a devil or demon or such.

 

[Deleted member 167438]

A is better. Character based blurbs are almost always better.

 

[Garolymar]

First one definitely more enticing, but there's too many "—." I'm not saying that it's AI, but I've been avoiding — in my works because AI just loves to use it for some reason.

I do use AI to help with punctuation, but I'm sure this will draw ire of some. I also sometimes ask it how the pacing is but I'm not sure how well it can judge that.

 

[SirContro]

The point of a blurb is to give an audience a glimpse into your mind and see what makes your story unique. So focus on that and don't exposition dump. For example here's a blurb I found from a totally random author:

To think I was nothing more than a tool to be thrown away. I, the great Scott Flores, disgraced, humiliated, and killed, leaving my corpse to be eaten by these pathetic ants!

Thankfully, my brother from across the stars has warned me of this cruel fate and has informed me who alone deserves my malice.

Be warned, Lucas McClain and that terrible author behind you, I will flip this script!

Line 1 showcases the main character's vanity, his discomfort with his setting, and how his superiority complex motivates him with the emphasis of his strife being on humiliation even though it's implied he is slighted in an objectively worse way in that same line,

Line 2 informs the audience of what has changed.

Line 3 confirms the main character's resolve to get vengeance upon those he thinks have wronged him, and also adds more info on the setting.

In three lines you know what kind of experience you're in for, rather than what the actual words in the text will be.

 

[Garolymar]

The point of a blurb is to give an audience a glimpse into your mind and see what makes your story unique. So focus on that and don't exposition dump. For example here's a blurb I found from a totally random author:

Line 1 showcases the main character's vanity, his discomfort with his setting, and how his superiority complex motivates him with the emphasis of his strife being on humiliation even though it's implied he is slighted in an objectively worse way in that same line,

Line 2 informs the audience of what has changed.

Line 3 confirms the main character's resolve to get vengeance upon those he thinks have wronged him, and also adds more info on the setting.

In three lines you know what kind of experience you're in for, rather than what the actual words in the text will be.

These are really good tips, thank you. Everyone here has been really helpful.

Glad Im not the only one with this problem

binds that bind a beast?

Basically I've been calling the spells Binds, the magic sort of works on a forced perception sort of gimmick or another way I thought of it was what if the observer effect was more prevalent in the macro every day life. and that's really stretched thin for some of the abilities. MC gets called the Beast binder by some characters who are having a laugh seeing his abilities for the first time.
Easiest way to explain it, is what if you looked at someone through a glass of water, and because you saw them through that lens they started to drown as if they were under the water themselves.

There's a school for each of the 5 senses, a 6th one being mind, or the perception of the self.

 

[Clo]

I think people have covered most of what I wanted to say. Blurb 1 is better than 2, but it's relative.

There's way too much jargon in Blurb1.

Here's my attempt at keeping most of your key elements, but making them understandable to outsiders.

"Callahan and Rowan, two brothers, are on a quest to save their mother. One is fragile, the other fearless.

Follow their adventures in the Onoria Empire, where they hunt monsters for gold—until they suddenly find themselves embroiled in a war, despite their best efforts.

With the help of unlikely allies, they dodge betrayal and worse in this gritty fantasy story of loyalty and loss, where every beast they tame could be their last."

 

[Garolymar]

So I've taken some time to think about it, and try to come up with some new and better, I've also looked at other blurbs including Sir contro's example. I have this character in the book, she likes to rhyme, so I thought it might be neat if the story blurb might be from her perspective? Anyway I tried my best to take the advise and I'd like to see what you guys think:


Callahan, with his mystic sight,
Weaves men into monsters with frightening might.
His brother Rowan shares his plight,
To save their mother before her final night.
The journey will twist and wax and wane,
Other players drawn to the game.
When the tale ends, who can say
How young Callahan's perception will begin to change?

I'm not very good at poetry, but I dunno I think it's kinda cute.

 

[Clo]

Poetry on a blurb would make nope the hell out.

Epigraph at the start of a chapter? Sure.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

So I've taken some time to think about it, and try to come up with some new and better, I've also looked at other blurbs including Sir contro's example. I have this character in the book, she likes to rhyme, so I thought it might be neat if the story blurb might be from her perspective? Anyway I tried my best to take the advise and I'd like to see what you guys think:


Callahan, with his mystic sight,
Weaves men into monsters with frightening might.
His brother Rowan shares his plight,
To save their mother before her final night.
The journey will twist and wax and wane,
Other players drawn to the game.
When the tale ends, who can say
How young Callahan's perception will begin to change?

I'm not very good at poetry, but I dunno I think it's kinda cute.

Sounds a bit like the patter of a carnival barker. "Gather round, young'uns and hear a tale of treachery and might and brotherly love. Look! There is Callahan, blessed, so they say, with Mystic Sight. At his left..."

 

[Garolymar]

Sounds a bit like the patter of a carnival barker. "Gather round, young'uns and hear a tale of treachery and might and brotherly love. Look! There is Callahan, blessed, so they say, with Mystic Sight. At his left..."

She would love that sort of job. again thanks for all the feedback guys, I appreciate it. Gonna try to figure it out some more.