Curse you, synopsis! (I need feedback)

[TheBestofSome]

So when I began posting my story here it was the first time I needed a synopsis for it, since on CHYOA it's only a branch of another story, albeit one that's meant to be a springboard for individual branches. I banged my synopsis out with only a cursory idea of what it really needed, and I've never been entirely satisfied with it because I don't think it quite captures what my story is actually about, and I'm not convinced it's actually all that intriguing either. I've now been inspired to try to make a proper synopsis, one I can be happy with and that does what it's supposed to, i.e. intrigue potential readers without misleading them.

I'm still not sure what I'm doing when it comes to actually writing the synopsis, so I need to hear whether you think my updated version is decent, and where I should improve it (or if I should throw it out entirely and write another one).

Spoiler: Updated synopsis

Desperate for a reprieve from death, an invalid takes the offer whispered to him in his last moments - and finds himself in a new land, possessed of a new body and powers the like of which he could only have imagined. The price? Knowing almost nothing of the world, beginning without even a name other than the one he gives to himself, Fenrir must gather strength to defend himself against a world actively hostile to those such as he. Foremost on that list are the Saintesses, five beautiful but dysfunctional women who each wield power capable of defeating entire armies.

Stepping into the center of an ancient war, he must juggle the expectations of the goddesses that brought him here with the changes his new body has wrought in him and the dangers which threaten from every quarter. But he is not alone. A group of succubi quickly find themselves under his care, and they are only the first. While his own potential for growth is great, it is the relationships he will form with those around him that will provide him with the means of his own salvation – or spell his doom.

For reference, here's the old version:

Spoiler: Old synopsis

Monsters. They exist everywhere, and in every form one could imagine. No society exists that does not possess some form of monster to excite its imaginations and frighten its children. Yet, in some places far from here, monsters are not just things of stories and legends. In these far-off places, monsters have stepped out of the pages of myth and folklore to wreak havoc upon innocents of all kinds. It is perhaps inevitable that there should rise strong champions to protect those innocents. But strength invites challenge, challenge leads to conflict, and conflict grows into war.

In a war that has raged for thousands of years, who decides the side of right? In a world where both sides have brought death and suffering immeasurable, who are the real monsters?

What truly makes a monster?

As you can see, they have drastically different tones. I feel that the updated version's 'voice' is truer to the tone of the story, but please give me your thoughts.

Ah, and a link to my story if you want to take a look at it for any reason. What Makes a Monster

 

[Deleted member 266]

I feel like some sorta name would be nice, like, who is he?

 

[TheBestofSome]

I feel like some sorta name would be nice, like, who is he?

His name is Fenrir, but he doesn't choose it until the end of the first (technically, second) chapter. What his name on Earth was is never mentioned. I hesitated over whether to put it in the synopsis or not, but I suppose it's not giving away anything of consequence.

 

[Deleted member 266]

His name is Fenrir, but he doesn't choose it until the end of the first (technically, second) chapter. What his name on Earth was is never mentioned. I hesitated over whether to put it in the synopsis or not, but I suppose it's not giving away anything of consequence.

Up to you, I think i said it needed a name because the synopsis needed something tangible for me to feel grounded.

 

[TheBestofSome]

Up to you, I think i said it needed a name because the synopsis needed something tangible for me to feel grounded.

A good point. Now the only question is where to put it, since the first time 'he' is said, he's still not technically Fenrir.

Edit: I changed the synopsis a bit to include the name in a way I think flows fairly well. What do you think of it now? Better?

 

[Deleted member 266]

A good point. Now the only question is where to put it, since the first time 'he' is said, he's still not technically Fenrir.

Edit: I changed the synopsis a bit to include the name in a way I think flows fairly well. What do you think of it now? Better?

Hmmm.... currently you synopsis say like more than ten things.

Imo that's too much.

I dun know, others might feel different.
.
But otherwise it's fine...

 

[TheBestofSome]

Hmmm.... currently you synopsis say like more than ten things.

Imo that's too much.

I dun know, others might feel different.
.
But otherwise it's fine...

I can certainly trim it down. This is precisely why I asked for feedback, as I would probably never have noticed on my own.

Trimmed it down some. What do you feel about this?

Spoiler: Updated updated synopsis

Desperate for a reprieve from death, an invalid takes the offer whispered to him in his last moments - and finds himself in a new land, possessed of a new body and powers the like of which he could only have imagined. The price? Knowing almost nothing of the world, beginning without even a name other than the one he gives to himself, the newly christened Fenrir must gather strength to defend himself against a world actively hostile to those such as he.

But he is not alone. A group of succubi quickly find themselves under his care, and they are only the first. While his own potential for growth is great, it is the relationships he will form with those around him that will provide him with the means of his own salvation – or spell his doom.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

It feels like you're torn between giving away half the story and saying nothing at all about it to make a pitch... and somehow manage to avoid doing either.

The original synopsis at least felt like it belong to the title; the newer one, unless Fenrir is a direct reference to the Fenris Wolf, does not.

Without having read the story, I'd consider something more like:

"On the verge of death, an invalid hears a whispered offer - 'give yourself to me and live.' He accepts, and finds himself in a new body, in a world unlike any he even dreamed of, with near-divine forces arrayed against him.
Beings he would have once considered monsters now flock to his banner, but can he rely on them, and face the forces against him, without himself becoming a monster?"

 

[TheBestofSome]

It feels like you're torn between giving away half the story and saying nothing at all about it to make a pitch... and somehow manage to avoid doing either.

The original synopsis at least felt like it belong to the title; the newer one, unless Fenrir is a direct reference to the Fenris Wolf, does not.

Without having read the story, I'd consider something more like:

"On the verge of death, an invalid hears a whispered offer - 'give yourself to me and live.' He accepts, and finds himself in a new body, in a world unlike any he even dreamed of, with near-divine forces arrayed against him.
Beings he would have once considered monsters now flock to his banner, but can he rely on them, and face the forces against him, without himself becoming a monster?"

That's a good synopsis, but it's not the story I've been telling. At least thus far, it's much more about the interpersonal relationships than the big picture conflict. Everything I've said in either version of the 'new' synopsis was implied if not outright detailed in the first two or three chapters.

I'll admit, I'm not entirely sold on my title either. It's not that it's a bad title, but I feel like there's a title out there that gets a little closer to the essence of my story while still being more-or-less original and interesting. Not that it doesn't apply, it's just not as close to the heart of the story as it could be. I didn't have that issue on CHYOA, since the story was nested under another prompt which had its own title, so I had no need for a title at the time.

Regarding the synopsis, though, I think I was a bit too influenced by the same thought process that came up with the title while writing the old version. The fact of the matter is that the 'monster not monster' discourse is only a subplot, albeit one that's woven throughout the whole of the story.

Considering you haven't read the story at all (and I'm not asking you to, I know smut isn't everyone's cup of tea) would you say that my 'updated updated version' intrigues you at all?

 

[CharlesEBrown]

That's a good synopsis, but it's not the story I've been telling. At least thus far, it's much more about the interpersonal relationships than the big picture conflict. Everything I've said in either version of the 'new' synopsis was implied if not outright detailed in the first two or three chapters.

Ah - well, all I have to go by is the old synopsis and the title so...

I'll admit, I'm not entirely sold on my title either. It's not that it's a bad title, but I feel like there's a title out there that gets a little closer to the essence of my story while still being more-or-less original and interesting. Not that it doesn't apply, it's just not as close to the heart of the story as it could be. I didn't have that issue on CHYOA, since the story was nested under another prompt which had its own title, so I had no need for a title at the time.

From what you're saying, I agree here - a good title for, apparently, a different story.

Regarding the synopsis, though, I think I was a bit too influenced by the same thought process that came up with the title while writing the old version. The fact of the matter is that the 'monster not monster' discourse is only a subplot, albeit one that's woven throughout the whole of the story.

Considering you haven't read the story at all (and I'm not asking you to, I know smut isn't everyone's cup of tea) would you say that my 'updated updated version' intrigues you at all?

It would put me on the fence, but the smut tag would probably make me get back down and go somewhere else, to be honest.

 

[Deleted member 266]

I think one way of thinking about is... like this

Try to do it in 3 sentences.

You should have only one important point.

Choose one. Currently there is too much

1. Desperate for a reprieve from death, an invalid takes the offer whispered to him in his last moments
2. and finds himself in a new land, possessed of a new body and powers the like of which he could only have imagined.
3. The price? Knowing almost nothing of the world, beginning without even a name
4. other than the one he gives to himself, the newly christened Fenrir
5. must gather strength to defend himself against a world actively hostile to those such as he.
6. But he is not alone. A group of succubi quickly find themselves under his care,
7. and they are only the first.
8. While his own potential for growth is great,
9. it is the relationships he will form with those around him that will provide him with the means of his own salvation –
10. or spell his doom.

Even within the first point there is not enough finess.

"Desperate for a reprieve from death, an invalid takes the offer whispered to him in his last moments"

"Desperate for a reprieve from death," and "last moments" that's the same thing twice to me
You can do this in the book but in a synopsis you are using too much of the readers attention, a synopsis imo, you need to get to the hook, either first or second beat.

Think about how in a movie you need to get to the point in the first 7.5 minutes, the synopsis need to get to the point before the read needs to drawn their second or third breath.

And because the 10 points did not stand out for me I dont know what the main point is

Maybe just open with 3,5 or 3, 6

Dun no, it's not my story, I don't know what you main "story" is

Play around, write less, there us no need to explain everything in the synopsis /description.

And tbh, most ppl (i mean me) just skim it anyway. That's why keep it simple.

That's what I think anyway.

 

[TheBestofSome]

Ah - well, all I have to go by is the old synopsis and the title so...

Fair enough.

From what you're saying, I agree here - a good title for, apparently, a different story.

I'll keep trying to think of a better title. Finding good titles/names/etc. can be challenging for me for some reason.

It would put me on the fence, but the smut tag would probably make me get back down and go somewhere else, to be honest.

That's also fair. The smut tag scaring you away (so to speak) works in everyone's favor since I certainly don't skimp on the smut and therefore I only want readers who are fine with that. If the synopsis itself puts you on the fence it means I could be doing worse, but I could also be doing a lot better. Thanks for the feedback!

*snip*

This is good feedback, and stuff I can sink my teeth into. I'm not trying to sell my story, so it's not as if people need to be convinced to buy the book. They just need to be given a reason to want to click on the first chapter. Then it becomes the job of the story itself to keep them interested. And considering that everyone's spoiled for choice when it comes to webnovels, brevity should be the name of the game.

I think I'll fully rewrite it while keeping what you've said in mind, and see if I can't make it both shorter and more compelling.

 

[TheBestofSome]

Wrote two new possible synopses. I'm not very good at summarization in general, and this is made painfully apparent when I try to write a synopsis that's both a good hook and is concise. This is perhaps exacerbated by the fact that most of the core concepts of my story aren't anything no one's seen before and it's more the way I handle them that I think is what makes it worth reading.

Anyway, my two new possibles:

Spoiler: Option A

In the world of Ruyanei there have been many Champions throughout history, but now for the first time the Dark has one of their own. With a soul of the Light and a body of the Dark, Fenrir represents the greatest potential for strength and power the Dark has seen in millennia.

This potential cannot long go unnoticed, but with the help of the allies he gathers about himself, he may be able to weather the storm that is certain to descend once his existence is known to the world.

Spoiler: Option B

For a long time I didn’t know where he came from, or why, or even really who he was. It didn’t really matter, either; he kept us safe, warm, and fed, and in a world like Ruyanei you don’t just turn that down lightly. Especially people like us. Even early on, he was everything we could have asked for in a master, so I guess it’s no surprise that we all chose to follow him.

Not that it wasn’t dangerous. Being who he is, it was pretty inevitable that he’d have a lot of enemies. But I’ve never once regretted my decision, even with everything that’s happened. I’m pretty sure everyone else feels the same way.

-Kira, on the subject of Fenrir.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Unless Kira is the first person narrator of the story, the first option is your best so far. If she IS the narrator, then go with that second one.

 

[TheBestofSome]

Unless Kira is the first person narrator of the story, the first option is your best so far. If she IS the narrator, then go with that second one.

She's not, though I have swapped perspective to her on occasion, and she does blur the line a little between primary and secondary character.

The first of those two new attempts feels almost cookie cutter to me, similar in a lot of ways to a lot of other synopses I've seen, but then I don't really trust my own judgement on this since I don't think what would intrigue most people intrigues me in quite the same way.

The second is obviously different than most, and my thought when writing it was that hopefully it would stand out and catch people's attention. But I don't want to be catching it for the wrong reasons. Can you elucidate on why you think the first is the best yet? (By the way, I've cut one phrase to eliminate redundancy.)

 

[CharlesEBrown]

The second is obviously different than most, and my thought when writing it was that hopefully it would stand out and catch people's attention. But I don't want to be catching it for the wrong reasons. Can you elucidate on why you think the first is the best yet? (By the way, I've cut one phrase to eliminate redundancy.)

Not having read the story, all I'm going by is what has been said here, and it seems to capture that without saying too much or being misleading