writing my first original novel here , wanted to hear opinions on it.

[MALEVOLENCE69]

hello everyone,
I have written my first light novel here titled : THE LORD OF MALEVOLENCE recently. i went with grim settings with my protagonist being straight up evil and wanted to know how is the tone , pacing and my grammar in the first 3 chapters as I had to proof read it my self. please do leave your opinion so that i can improvise on my work in future chapters

 

[CharlesEBrown]

It would help if you posted a link here like this:

THE LORD OF MALEVOLENCE | Scribble Hub

 

[MALEVOLENCE69]

It would help if you posted a link here like this:

THE LORD OF MALEVOLENCE | Scribble Hub

Thanks a lot for the help

 

[Hans.Trondheim]

Tone: is really dark. My head started to ache reading through the three chapters, which is a sign that it is dark and heavy. If that's your goal, I'd say you achieved it.

Pace: is slow, at least for me. Nothing much is happening yet, though, as you say, you did a good job portraying the character as evil.

Grammar: there are a few hiccups, especially at the first chapter, where I saw a few tense switching. I'm not really sure if its the character's inner dialogue, or part of narration, but it will help that you format it in a way that readers would be aware it is the MC's thoughts, not narration.

Another thing I'd like to point out is your use of bold formatting. Why do you use it? Afaik, it's used for emphasizing stuff in the story. Well, I'm not too bothered by it, but you might attract some nitpicky readers who might make a big deal out of it.

 

[MALEVOLENCE69]

Tone: is really dark. My head started to ache reading through the three chapters, which is a sign that it is dark and heavy. If that's your goal, I'd say you achieved it.

Pace: is slow, at least for me. Nothing much is happening yet, though, as you say, you did a good job portraying the character as evil.

Grammar: there are a few hiccups, especially at the first chapter, where I saw a few tense switching. I'm not really sure if its the character's inner dialogue, or part of narration, but it will help that you format it in a way that readers would be aware it is the MC's thoughts, not narration.

Another thing I'd like to point out is your use of bold formatting. Why do you use it? Afaik, it's used for emphasizing stuff in the story. Well, I'm not too bothered by it, but you might attract some nitpicky readers who might make a big deal out of it.

Thank you for the review. The tone i want to set for this light novel is going to be dark and heavy. I plan to keep the pace which i have set it currently as I feel that goes well with dark theme of the story making readers feel the actions my protagonist makes . About the tense switching I had a feeling it goes well with the mad man who is a embodiment of malevolence , will look into it next few chapters which i am writing currently. The bold formatting I wanted to try out something which when i copied it from my final draft in docs to website had screwed it up a bit. will sort it for the rest of the chapters and the current one when i am publishing the future chapters

 

[Daydreamers]

I've read a little bit of the first chapter like half, I would say writing wise , it's good , easy to follow, but the logic is a bit lacking,
a starving child who hasn't eaten for seven days should be weak and barely able to speak, let alone have the energy to recount his backstory. Also, why is he even telling it to the Lord of Malevolence?

There's also a contradiction in his behavior. He starts off saying:
: "O Lord of Malevolence, we worship you! Spare our insignificant lives! We ask only to exist in harmony until the reaper claims us at the rightful end of our time. Grant us mercy, so that we may await death as mortals should."
Then after his request is denied he remembers his past and :
"O Lord of Malevolence... take my soul. Let my death be the ruin of Thira. Let my suffering be repaid in fire and blood. Grant me this last mercy—not for salvation, but for vengeance."
and this happens in like minutes?( spare (our) to revenge) when he is starving for a week, also the dialogue is unnatural, a neglected child shouldn't be this articulate and poetic,
PS: of course this is just my point of view as a reader, I'm not skilled enough tell you how to write your stories, if you find what i say utter nonsense, don’t let it bother you.

 

[Daydreamers]

Not trying to bully the newcomer, but in the defense of him/her
from the details of lack of caps in title and first post, and their name, and other details,
i deduct they arent high in age.
AND
its their first work.

So i would say that for a first work, its quite decent.
as long its not wattpad lvl. In this case, i would say : put it back in oven (xD)

Ooh , I assumed since the tone is dark... nvm, well the only path to improvement is honesty, we can't spare his/her soul even if still a newborn

 

[Tsuru]

Ooh , I assumed since the tone is dark... nvm, well the only path to improvement is honesty, we can't spare his/her soul even if still a newborn

Yep its fine to put them in the blender and the fullcourse.

 

[NineHeadHeavenDevouringSerpent]

You want my opinion? Give up if you are in it to please readers or gain monetary benefits.

Your drive won't last long enough to achieve that fame, and it isn't the right genre to attract mainstream traffic to gain money.

So stop listening to people's opinions, and keep writing that shit. Read it over and over and you'll know it yourself if you done it good.

Uploading it to the public is secondary, the only thing that matters is that you don't give up your story mid way and see it through the end.


I can't tell you how many potential novels with dark/evil mc I've picked up only to be disappointed with the authors ghosting within couple of days. It's happened so many times that now I don't even expect to read a complete story, I'll be satisfied if they said they have completed the story in their mind and just haven't had the chance to write it down.

So yeah, stop wasting time stroking our shlongs and get back to writing your story.

 

[PancakesWitch]

Let me guess, you recently read Reverend Insanity?

 

[RoyalTime]

Just paste your kofi, subscribestar, patreon, mockey, all monetizations in your chapters and you'll definitely be successful?
(Thank me later for the advice?)

 

[Hans.Trondheim]

Not trying to bully the newcomer, but in the defense of him/her
from the details of lack of caps in title and first post, and their name, and other details,
i deduct they arent high in age.
AND
its their first work.

So i would say that for a first work, its quite decent.
as long its not wattpad lvl. In this case, i would say : put it back in oven (xD)

I did not even comment on those capitalization stuff and how he wrote his work. Mal clearly defined what he wants reviewed, so I gave him feedback on those.

I don't know what part of my feedback warranted this kind of reaction, since I want to help writers, not diss them thinking I made the best novel out there.

 

[Tsuru]

I did not even comment on those capitalization stuff and how he wrote his work. Mal clearly defined what he wants reviewed, so I gave him feedback on those.

I want to help writers, not diss them thinking I made the best novel out there.

Same.
That is why i said "Not trying to bully the newcomer, but in the defense of him/her".
Nor criticized your review as its a good one.

 

[Hans.Trondheim]

Same.
That is why i said "Not trying to bully the newcomer, but in the defense of him/her".
Nor criticized your review as its a good one.

I'm not good with dark and heavy stuff though.

 

[Liam_M_Hunter]

I am going to paste the comment I left on chapter 1, but I would like to add that all of the in this thread is sound. Keep writing. Listen to critique. Let what speaks to you show in your work and disregard anything that does match your goal. We as readers do not know where you are going. We need you to show us. If you receive a piece of advice you don't find helpful, simply thank the reader. Keep going there's talent here. Here is the comment I placed on your first chapter:

This is definitely a pretty good start. I would have liked to learn Bhira's name through dialogue. When you are proofing, if you haven't already, see if you can get someone to read it aloud to you as you follow along making corrections. The very tiny errors in this chapter will likely stick out to you, but I only noticed them as I was looking per your forum post. I care a lot more about content when I am reading than execution. I especially am not too troubled by grammar, but there are a couple places where the wording just needs cleaned up or a word may be missing from a sentence. Hearing it read aloud will help you catch these. My last surface level nitpick is that I personally don't love that some of the text is in bold type. It is in no way story breaking for me, but it was a bit distracting.

On to the content. This chapter is perfect for a reader like me, because of how I approach new stories. I come to new stories like I am getting into water. I dip my toe in, then both feet, and ease in. I like a little time to get myself settled. You accommodate this well with your opening. It almost feels like you were a bit hesitant in the first few lines before you caught your stride. Deeper into the chapter you seem to have a much more firm grasp on what you wanted to accomplish.

Bhira has a very compelling story. Having only read this chapter so far, I am not sure if that was what you wanted me to take from reading it, but it is what I got. I find him interesting and want to see how he continues to grow. How does he bring sickness? Is he a conduit for Malphas? Will his humanity reassert itself at a crucial moment giving him a change of heart? All questions that would keep me interested.

Malphas is where I start to get a little confused. I got the impression that he is uncaring for most of the beginning of the chapter. Maybe, he too finds Bhira compelling and that makes him care? If so, maybe show me that a little more? Granted Malphas does, in a way, at least take interest enough in Bhira to grant him his wish of vengeance, so maybe uncaring isn't the right impression. Where this got confusing for me is after Bhira dies; Malphas seems to condemn Thira for mistreating a child. To me, this didn't jive with the way Malphas acted previously. Again, this confusion isn't story breaking for me yet, but I can only wander around aimlessly for so long. There is definitely a story I want to read in here. Keep going and let's see what happens.

Best Wishes,

Liam.

 

[MALEVOLENCE69]

I've read a little bit of the first chapter like half, I would say writing wise , it's good , easy to follow, but the logic is a bit lacking,
a starving child who hasn't eaten for seven days should be weak and barely able to speak, let alone have the energy to recount his backstory. Also, why is he even telling it to the Lord of Malevolence?

There's also a contradiction in his behavior. He starts off saying:
: "O Lord of Malevolence, we worship you! Spare our insignificant lives! We ask only to exist in harmony until the reaper claims us at the rightful end of our time. Grant us mercy, so that we may await death as mortals should."
Then after his request is denied he remembers his past and :
"O Lord of Malevolence... take my soul. Let my death be the ruin of Thira. Let my suffering be repaid in fire and blood. Grant me this last mercy—not for salvation, but for vengeance."
and this happens in like minutes?( spare (our) to revenge) when he is starving for a week, also the dialogue is unnatural, a neglected child shouldn't be this articulate and poetic,
PS: of course this is just my point of view as a reader, I'm not skilled enough tell you how to write your stories, if you find what i say utter nonsense, don’t let it bother you.

thanks for the feedback, while transferring the pages to website from my docs i messed up the formatting.
on the dialogs after this line,
"O Lord of Malevolence, we worship you! Spare our insignificant lives! We ask only to exist in harmony until the reaper claims us at the rightful end of our time. Grant us mercy, so that we may await death as mortals should."
this is the next line to follow:
The voices of the desperate rose around me, their pleas thick with dread, their bodies bent in pitiful supplication.
its not the boy who was pleading , but the people in the slums who were looking at the boy . when they see the protagonist they saw pleaded with him to not kill them .
thanks for pointing it out. I will fix them .
the boy on the other part he is on deaths door and he just wants to get his revenge on the the city.
on the starvation part , he should not be poetic something i will keep in mind future thanks to pointing it out

Let me guess, you recently read Reverend Insanity?

love reverend of insanity, but not trying to mimic it.
PS: sad that it got axe from ccp. hopefully the author gets the ban revoked by appeal in 2026 (if i got the year right )

You want my opinion? Give up if you are in it to please readers or gain monetary benefits.

Your drive won't last long enough to achieve that fame, and it isn't the right genre to attract mainstream traffic to gain money.

So stop listening to people's opinions, and keep writing that shit. Read it over and over and you'll know it yourself if you done it good.

Uploading it to the public is secondary, the only thing that matters is that you don't give up your story mid way and see it through the end.


I can't tell you how many potential novels with dark/evil mc I've picked up only to be disappointed with the authors ghosting within couple of days. It's happened so many times that now I don't even expect to read a complete story, I'll be satisfied if they said they have completed the story in their mind and just haven't had the chance to write it down.

So yeah, stop wasting time stroking our shlongs and get back to writing your story.

not here for monetary gain or benefit. I am here to get some advice on any mistakes done and how can i improve in future chapters as i am new to writing. And thank you for the tip

Not trying to bully the newcomer, but in the defense of him/her
from the details of lack of caps in title and first post, and their name, and other details,
i deduct they arent high in age.
AND
its their first work.

So i would say that for a first work, its quite decent.
as long its not wattpad lvl. In this case, i would say : put it back in oven (xD)

Will let it bake in the over for more time then xD

 

[MALEVOLENCE69]

Just paste your kofi, subscribestar, patreon, mockey, all monetizations in your chapters and you'll definitely be successful?
(Thank me later for the advice?)

not looking for monetization as i want to flesh it out and pump chapters . thank you for the support

 

[RoyalTime]

not looking for monetization as i want to flesh it out and pump chapters . thank you for the support

You know if you paste your patreon link and say special thanks some random name even tho they didn't join your patreon, people will think your novel is actually worth reading and they will stick to it for a while?

 

[MALEVOLENCE69]

You know if you paste your patreon link and say special thanks some random name even tho they didn't join your patreon, people will think your novel is actually worth reading and they will stick to it for a while?

thanks for the tip, will keep in mind .