The Last to Comment Wins

Tempokai

Tempokai

The Overworked One
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Latest posts got pruned off lol
 
Tempokai

Tempokai

The Overworked One
Joined
Nov 16, 2021
Messages
1,396
Points
153
Ah, Tokugawa Ieyasu, the man who played the longest, most excruciating game of chess feudal Japan had ever seen, and won—by doing what? Sitting. Waiting. Breathing. While his enemies charged headfirst into death like they had an allergy to long-term planning. If Ieyasu were alive today, there’s no doubt he would be the absolute menace of every "Last to Comment Wins" thread on the internet. Let’s break it down.

1. The Patience of a Stone Monument​

Tokugawa Ieyasu didn’t win Japan by being the flashiest daimyo or the most aggressive warlord. No, he won by watching everyone else get themselves killed in spectacularly avoidable ways. Oda Nobunaga? Assassinated. Toyotomi Hideyoshi? Stressed himself to death worrying about his infant son's legacy. Ieyasu? Chilling. He waited, outlived them all, and then calmly swept up the pieces.
In a "Last to Comment Wins" thread, he wouldn’t be the guy spamming "last" every two seconds like some caffeine-addled teenager. He’d let the other commenters go insane, tire themselves out, and rage-quit the game. Weeks, months, years—it doesn’t matter. When the dust settles and the thread is a digital graveyard, Ieyasu posts a single comment:
"Still here."

2. Master of Psychological Warfare​

Ieyasu wasn’t just a strategist; he was a master manipulator. When Hideyoshi was alive, Ieyasu pretended to be his most loyal subordinate. When the time was right, he casually stepped in and erased Hideyoshi’s legacy like a bad tweet. In a "Last to Comment Wins" thread, he’d deploy the same mind games.
He’d let rival commenters THINK they were winning, maybe even send out fake messages like, “I’m out, guys. Good game.” Then, just when they’ve declared victory and moved on? BAM. New comment. The man played 4D chess with real lives—why would a silly internet thread be any different?

3. The One Who Writes the Rules​

After winning the Battle of Sekigahara, Ieyasu didn’t just take control—he rewrote the entire rulebook of Japan. He made the emperor his puppet, locked the samurai class into a bureaucratic nightmare, and ensured no one else could ever challenge his family for 250 years.
In a "Last to Comment Wins" thread, he’d go one step further. He’d get the moderators on his side, subtly suggest some "rule changes," and before you know it, the game is rigged. Only one comment every 48 hours? Done. No commenting if you’ve posted more than three times? Perfect. Suddenly, all his competitors are disqualified, and he wins by default.

4. Outliving Every Competitor​

Let’s not forget the most important part—he outlived everyone. He lived to the ripe old age of 73 in a time when most samurai barely made it past 40. The man was built for the long haul.
If a "Last to Comment Wins" thread dragged on for a decade, he'd still be there, sipping his tea, watching the younger commenters drop like flies. He wouldn’t even need to outsmart them at that point—he’d just outlive them. His final post would probably be something poetic, like:
"All things pass. But I remain."
And then he’d close his laptop, smirking, knowing he just Tokugawa-ed the entire internet.
 
JayMark

JayMark

It's Not Easy Being Nobody, But Somebody Has To.
Joined
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Messages
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Points
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Tempokai said:
Ah, Tokugawa Ieyasu, the man who played the longest, most excruciating game of chess feudal Japan had ever seen, and won—by doing what? Sitting. Waiting. Breathing. While his enemies charged headfirst into death like they had an allergy to long-term planning. If Ieyasu were alive today, there’s no doubt he would be the absolute menace of every "Last to Comment Wins" thread on the internet. Let’s break it down.

1. The Patience of a Stone Monument​

Tokugawa Ieyasu didn’t win Japan by being the flashiest daimyo or the most aggressive warlord. No, he won by watching everyone else get themselves killed in spectacularly avoidable ways. Oda Nobunaga? Assassinated. Toyotomi Hideyoshi? Stressed himself to death worrying about his infant son's legacy. Ieyasu? Chilling. He waited, outlived them all, and then calmly swept up the pieces.
In a "Last to Comment Wins" thread, he wouldn’t be the guy spamming "last" every two seconds like some caffeine-addled teenager. He’d let the other commenters go insane, tire themselves out, and rage-quit the game. Weeks, months, years—it doesn’t matter. When the dust settles and the thread is a digital graveyard, Ieyasu posts a single comment:
"Still here."

2. Master of Psychological Warfare​

Ieyasu wasn’t just a strategist; he was a master manipulator. When Hideyoshi was alive, Ieyasu pretended to be his most loyal subordinate. When the time was right, he casually stepped in and erased Hideyoshi’s legacy like a bad tweet. In a "Last to Comment Wins" thread, he’d deploy the same mind games.
He’d let rival commenters THINK they were winning, maybe even send out fake messages like, “I’m out, guys. Good game.” Then, just when they’ve declared victory and moved on? BAM. New comment. The man played 4D chess with real lives—why would a silly internet thread be any different?

3. The One Who Writes the Rules​

After winning the Battle of Sekigahara, Ieyasu didn’t just take control—he rewrote the entire rulebook of Japan. He made the emperor his puppet, locked the samurai class into a bureaucratic nightmare, and ensured no one else could ever challenge his family for 250 years.
In a "Last to Comment Wins" thread, he’d go one step further. He’d get the moderators on his side, subtly suggest some "rule changes," and before you know it, the game is rigged. Only one comment every 48 hours? Done. No commenting if you’ve posted more than three times? Perfect. Suddenly, all his competitors are disqualified, and he wins by default.

4. Outliving Every Competitor​

Let’s not forget the most important part—he outlived everyone. He lived to the ripe old age of 73 in a time when most samurai barely made it past 40. The man was built for the long haul.
If a "Last to Comment Wins" thread dragged on for a decade, he'd still be there, sipping his tea, watching the younger commenters drop like flies. He wouldn’t even need to outsmart them at that point—he’d just outlive them. His final post would probably be something poetic, like:
"All things pass. But I remain."
And then he’d close his laptop, smirking, knowing he just Tokugawa-ed the entire internet.
Click to expand...
We already established who Tokugawa is.
I'm just here to be an idiot.
 
JayMark

JayMark

It's Not Easy Being Nobody, But Somebody Has To.
Joined
Jul 31, 2024
Messages
1,706
Points
128
Why the parenthetical anon?
 
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