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[Racosharko]

Will give feedback when I feel like it.
Will stop when I don't feel like it.

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[Deleted member 84247]

Overpowered Witch Reincarnation

I died. Then, I was reborn in a forest surrounded by monsters. The only logical thing that any sane person would do at that point is to train their magic for a thousand years. However! The forest became lonely, so I decided to go on an adventure! What to expect?...

www.scribblehub.com

Send it

 

[SuperMushroom]

Hello!!!

Can You Conquer The World With Martial Arts?

In a world not unlike our own, the rapid progress of martial arts had empowered a small group of rebels with supernatural abilities and fostered an unprecedented uprising. The long lived Emperor Taizong's vast army had...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Racosharko]

Overpowered Witch Reincarnation

I died. Then, I was reborn in a forest surrounded by monsters. The only logical thing that any sane person would do at that point is to train their magic for a thousand years. However! The forest became lonely, so I decided to go on an adventure! What to expect?...

www.scribblehub.com

Send it

IMO
Steam of thought
Chapter 2 is more interesting than Chapter 1
Because "conflict" created by an external "actor" is more interesting than conflict driven by internal needs and desires when "character" is still being developed. Internal conflict hits harder with fully developed characters to me. Not that is wrong, because most 1st person stories introduce internal conflict before external conflict, it is just the norm to move from in to out coz that is logical in building a scene.

The adventure's guild-man interaction... felt like...it could be more...or had more... "personality" that Eerie could interact/react upon, or have stray thought it could feel like a "fuller scene".

Maybe She didn't like him or... he had a funny accent or she didn't feel anything at all even that could add/show a bit of the personality of Eerie. Something relevant or superficial, I dun know.

Some more internal Eerie thoughts would be nice...

Reacting to the Wood's name is good. build world/ builds personality.

Chap3
Start to know more about people's personality
Marcy. Oh, so the wood beach is an odd name, after all


feels like there could be more...
feels too rushed from scene to scene

Too lean

Then again WN LN readers are probably not looking for too much or too wordy works?
so it's fine?

and works to the brief?

“How strong are you anyway, lass?”

"lass" suddenly added out of nowhere,
endearment? belittle?
Condescending? Patronizing?
Familiarity? Are they friends now?

Should he be angrier?

Ah now he is angry

That is the end of the first narrative set.

Chap 4
added
reinforced side narrative thread, good

"no family, friends, or loved ones."
IMO Might be more interesting if they did have them.
but then it might grind against the light-hearted story

Skimmed a bit and then stopped

===

I thought it was ok
if the reader is looking to read "that" it is "that"
a good LN experience,
But felt the absence of some... spice...

I think its fine to trope it up
but if the hook is Overpower witch
i could be played up a bit more,
with "consequences" that affect other characters on a deeper level.
but like I said this might make it less light... so balance?

What is the hook?
I dun know
I didnt read the synop/description

But right now I think its TOO light for me personally.
Maybe it will be built up later...
I dun know

Would benefit from 20% more setting content

I am not sure about this bit
"And that’s how I became an E-rank adventurer. I’d tell you what happened in the office, but there were a lot of words I didn’t understand."
Part of me thought It could have been shown instead of told.

 

[Deleted member 84247]

IMO
Steam of thought
Chapter 2 is more interesting than Chapter 1
Because "conflict" created by an external "actor" is more interesting than conflict driven by internal needs and desires when "character" is still being developed. Internal conflict hits harder with fully developed characters to me. Not that is wrong, because most 1st person stories introduce internal conflict before external conflict, it is just the norm to move from in to out coz that is logical in building a scene.

The adventure's guild-man interaction... felt like...it could be more...or had more... "personality" that Eerie could interact/react upon, or have stray thought it could feel like a "fuller scene".

Maybe She didn't like him or... he had a funny accent or she didn't feel anything at all even that could add/show a bit of the personality of Eerie. Something relevant or superficial, I dun know.

Some more internal Eerie thoughts would be nice...

Reacting to the Wood's name is good. build world/ builds personality.

Chap3
Start to know more about people's personality
Marcy. Oh, so the wood beach is an odd name, after all


feels like there could be more...
feels too rushed from scene to scene

Too lean

Then again WN LN readers are probably not looking for too much or too wordy works?
so it's fine?

and works to the brief?

“How strong are you anyway, lass?”

"lass" suddenly added out of nowhere,
endearment? belittle?
Condescending? Patronizing?
Familiarity? Are they friends now?

Should he be angrier?

Ah now he is angry

That is the end of the first narrative set.

Chap 4
added
reinforced side narrative thread, good

"no family, friends, or loved ones."
IMO Might be more interesting if they did have them.
but then it might grind against the light-hearted story

Skimmed a bit and then stopped

===

I thought it was ok
if the reader is looking to read "that" it is "that"
a good LN experience,
But felt the absence of some... spice...

I think its fine to trope it up
but if the hook is Overpower witch
i could be played up a bit more,
with "consequences" that affect other characters on a deeper level.
but like I said this might make it less light... so balance?

What is the hook?
I dun know
I didnt read the synop/description

But right now I think its TOO light for me personally.
Maybe it will be built up later...
I dun know

Would benefit from 20% more setting content

I am not sure about this bit
"And that’s how I became an E-rank adventurer. I’d tell you what happened in the office, but there were a lot of words I didn’t understand."
Part of me thought It could have been shown instead of told.

Thank you mister llama.

 

[Daydreamers]

well, I'd like to know your opinion,

Shadows of Eaverstead: A Noir Mystery

How do you find justice in a city that doesn’t believe in it? Eaverstead, the country's most populous city, is a breeding ground for crime, corruption, and the desperate acts of those struggling to survive. At its core, two detectives walk different paths: one simply to make a living,...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[AmbreaTaddy]

Here is mine !
Lots of people don't like slice of life, I won't be upset if you don't want to read, but thought I'd try

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1398520/i-blinked-and-now-im-famous/

 

[Clo]

Will give feedback when I feel like it.
Will stop when I don't feel like it.

Post a link
Will not leave scribble hub domain
Will not read Google Docs

No fixed format for how feedback will appear.

Have at it, then!

State of the Art

In a near-future world where reality often feels like an afterthought, players escape into A Realm Reforged Again—a groundbreaking VR MMORPG offering unparalleled character customization. Follow Jason, Ryan, Emmy, and Sophie as they navigate personal struggles both in and out of the game...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Will give feedback when I feel like it.
Will stop when I don't feel like it.

Post a link
Will not leave scribble hub domain
Will not read Google Docs

No fixed format for how feedback will appear.

If you want (and aren't on mobile, rendering this moot), feel free to check out any of the stories in my signature. Or don't. It's a casual thread... :D

 

[Hoshino]

E

HanaSuki

Vetaback. A game that no one has beaten in about a decade since its release, but that was about to change once Natsumi Tohka, a boy consumed by his delusions and tsundere behavior, wanted to escape this world, beat Vetaback, and got one wish. In a heartbeat, Natsumi typed his...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Racosharko]

Hello!!!

Can You Conquer The World With Martial Arts?

In a world not unlike our own, the rapid progress of martial arts had empowered a small group of rebels with supernatural abilities and fostered an unprecedented uprising. The long lived Emperor Taizong's vast army had...

www.scribblehub.com

Chap 1

"Wei Qing's merry evening had ceased abruptly when a stranger entered the inn".

this is a key step, you can experiment with more variations of the lead-in,
"Action" and "sound" could break up the pace and draw more attention to it
the story before the point was like.... a ... river(?) like of drawing the reader in but felt really "distant" there as not yet a sense of immediacy

At the first inciting incident or "Change" you might want to make a bit of a fanfare.
e.g maybe the sound of the door opening. the clatter of people entering. something that puts the reader "into the room" so to speak

"He chuckled to his fellows. All of them asked what his relation to that mysterious woman was, but Wei Qing kept things vague."
Could have used dialogue

Opportunity to add more character to Wei Qing


interaction with other people in the inn
or just what people say in the inn can be a more engaging way to tell us

these things

"His chief amusement lied in nitpicking their words for things at which to take offense, only to laugh it off and pretend that he had merely been speaking in jest.

He would then keep mental notes of those with whom he tried to pick a fight, and had they been foolish enough to neglect to make an apology to him in the form of a gift within the next week, made trouble for them. "

Fine, just actiony conflictky and dialogue stuff

This bit

"Their way of addressing each other hinted at a familial tie, which would make the new arrival's given name Guo."

not really needed to be added at that point of the story.
or could be added with more efficiency, as is... it is... a bit... pace breaking

IMO replacing "we're doomed" with "Our family is doomed" could work partially to ease the burden of information.

Skimimed C1 part 2 and C1 part 3

Seems fine, if a person is really into the setting and style they might rid it out
but I was not able to reach where the main plot starts so for me the story... lacked focus
even though Bai Guo eventually became the centre point
I could not work out his deal or main motivation (or I missed it)

Ah part 4
finally Bai Guo's raison d'etre
LATE!!!


Stop around part 7
The pacing seems ok, the rhythm and flow are established
but as soon as Bai Guo narrative thread started
it feels like there isn't enough decisive stops or "turns"
i don't know if that makes sense
it's like everything is a straight line
There are things happening but I don't really feel it is important to the characters that it happened

I don't know if this is relevant but it also feels very Russian lit. I can't tell you why, just the feels. (I may be wrong I have not read a lot of Russian lit just like 5-7)

 

[SuperMushroom]

Chap 1

this is a key step, you can experiment with more variations of the lead-in,
"Action" and "sound" could break up the pace and draw more attention to it
the story before the point was like.... a ... river(?) like of drawing the reader in but felt really "distant" there as not yet a sense of immediacy

At the first inciting incident or "Change" you might want to make a bit of a fanfare.
e.g maybe the sound of the door opening. the clatter of people entering. something that puts the reader "into the room" so to speak



Opportunity to add more character to Wei Qing


interaction with other people in the inn
or just what people say in the inn can be a more engaging way to tell us

these things



Fine, just actiony conflictky and dialogue stuff

This bit


not really needed to be added at that point of the story.
or could be added with more efficiency, as is... it is... a bit... pace breaking

IMO replacing "we're doomed" with "Our family is doomed" could work partially to ease the burden of information.

Skimimed C1 part 2 and C1 part 3

Seems fine, if a person is really into the setting and style they might rid it out
but I was not able to reach where the main plot starts so for me the story... lacked focus
even though Bai Guo eventually became the centre point
I could not work out his deal or main motivation (or I missed it)

Ah part 4
finally Bai Guo's raison d'etre
LATE!!!


Stop around part 7
The pacing seems ok, the rhythm and flow are established
but as soon as Bai Guo narrative thread started
it feels like there isn't enough decisive stops or "turns"
i don't know if that makes sense
it's like everything is a straight line
There are things happening but I don't really feel it is important to the characters that it happened

I don't know if this is relevant but it also feels very Russian lit. I can't tell you why, just the feels. (I may be wrong I have not read a lot of Russian lit just like 5-7)

Thanks for giving it a try!

 

[Racosharko]

well, I'd like to know your opinion,

Shadows of Eaverstead: A Noir Mystery

How do you find justice in a city that doesn’t believe in it? Eaverstead, the country's most populous city, is a breeding ground for crime, corruption, and the desperate acts of those struggling to survive. At its core, two detectives walk different paths: one simply to make a living,...

www.scribblehub.com

“I think my wife is cheating on me. Can you verify it? It’s legal, right?”

Funny line, made me laugh
it is "Can you verify it? It’s legal, right?” bit
Unless there is a reason later on having that in the same line feels "off"

“$50 a day.”

50 plus expenses surely! What about the expenses!!!

“Apologies,” he muttered quickly,

would have liked a witty defensive quip being a noir private dick, but it's fine if that's the sorta guy he is

“You’re twenty-four, right?”

??? how?
Yeah, you need something in between, OR David has one hell of a party trick!
Or David is wrong Johan is actually 85

Most dialogue is fine
the balance between "action"/ plot propulsion VS setting world build description is pretty good.

But there are some missing beats, like the interaction could be a bit longer

I feel you can play up the noir-ness a little bit more. (personal preference)

Personally, I'd pad out the first cheating case thing a little more (in story time), it took what 1 day to get the photos? Make it next week or something

Finished on Chapter 2
seems like a pretty solid plot
if you flesh out some of the scenes
With a bit of polish (actually more than a bit), it can be a fun read

then again...
the location title

Eaverstead, Zone A — Johan Reed’s Office | Sunday, 15th October 2015 | 5:00 PM

Does do a lot of the heavy lifting for you

and it didn't help I have read a shit ton of noir, so my mind filled in a lot of the gaps...

Oh well

 

[Racosharko]

Here is mine !
Lots of people don't like slice of life, I won't be upset if you don't want to read, but thought I'd try

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1398520/i-blinked-and-now-im-famous/

Here we go

but at least it was better than the streets and he wasn’t a pervert waiting for his chance. And he has had a girlfriend since two years ago. Having a long lasting relationship was always a nice reassurance that one isn’t an absolute maniac.

Tight, this is just the right amount of exposition for me any more info I would have lost interest.

Yep then slam back into the "present" with some dialogue.

oh...

For me the rhythm of the paragraph or the way the story is told needed to change at this point:

An hour later, Cyrielle was sitting in the passenger seat of an old white car

The following 3 blocks felt heavy this is the point it's too much describing things and not just doing things to show me.

Fine.
Yep

This point is too much describing. it slows the story again

For those who didn’t know Cyrielle, her ‘frozen in horror’ face didn’t appear that way at all. Cyrielle was an imposing woman.

The description could have benefited by interweaving it into the interaction with the "man" at the door.

The rest is fine. Plot moving fine

Chap 2
Plot, moving, ok

Ok I stopped at Chapter 3.
I think a lot of it feels really "clean" if that makes sense, I don't know what else to call it.
Like its easy to follow but... a lot of the time it feels the same, the content is different but the structure I want to say feels like the same paragraph.

I don't think I am making sense

But I think it would be nice to change it up sometimes, like say a point you have in the end paragraph first. Sometimes you are making things too clear like there are times I think you don't need to say that.
e.g Chapt 1 "And it worked" or Chapt 4 "She went to the bathroom" etc

 

[HellsPerfectSpawn]

Heyo, feel free to check mine out if you want and give your feedback. It is in the signature.

PS: Much obliged.

 

[Daydreamers]

??? how?
Yeah, you need something in between, OR David has one hell of a party trick!
Or David is wrong Johan is actually 85



like the interaction could be a bit longer



Personally, I'd pad out the first cheating case thing a little more (in story time), it took what 1 day to get the photos? Make it next week or something

Finished on Chapter 2
seems like a pretty solid plot
if you flesh out some of the scenes
With a bit of polish (actually more than a bit), it can be a fun read

thank you for the feedback, the interraction was longer initialy but someone told me to trim it to not slow down the pace so i tried to make it short, similar to why i skipped the conversation that happened between johan and David; I hinted at the conversation in the background via the shrugging ,"you are 24 "as if he is reminding him of his place like you are still young , you don't know what you are talking abt, and also when the PI mentionned his daughter,
as for the reason why I didn't focus much on the cheating is because the story is much more than that, I need to end the first case quickly to execute my plan, once i finish the next three chapters, I'll rewrite it and take your opinion into consideration
thank you

 

[AmbreaTaddy]

Thank you for your review, I'm happy to see it's not complete garbage !

I think a lot of it feels really "clean" if that makes sense, I don't know what else to call it.
Like its easy to follow but... a lot of the time it feels the same, the content is different but the structure I want to say feels like the same paragraph.

It's my first time writing in english, I tend to be a bit lost so when I found the 'codes' to correctly convey what's in my mind, I just used them all through the novel. I know it would be ideal to change things up a bit, but honestly I don't even know how to start doing that

 

[Racosharko]

Have at it, then!

State of the Art

In a near-future world where reality often feels like an afterthought, players escape into A Realm Reforged Again—a groundbreaking VR MMORPG offering unparalleled character customization. Follow Jason, Ryan, Emmy, and Sophie as they navigate personal struggles both in and out of the game...

www.scribblehub.com

OK
Chap 1

But that confidence—the charm that had once made him so irresistible—had suffocated her over time, pushing her toward choices that were never truly her own.

Nice, Top-shelf melodrama.

In fact, in the weeks prior to the breakup, those hours of separation had felt like the best part of every day.

Good lead-up to this reveal, subtle and nicely crafted

The pace feels balanced, for now, energetic pros

Fine. interweave of info and character.

The character starts to get a bit thin in presence,

still works, so it's ok.

Chapter 1 ended .... should it have ended on an action? Does it feel flat... it works fine as it... so it's fine. matches tone so yeah

Decent start...

Chapter 2
What different POV? I dun no...
I would have liked to follow soph off a cliff hang and then do a narrative jump...
..
.
..
..

NGL Yes read that quickly, I did not respect Ryuan as the main thread of the story.
I am sure his life is very interesting
right
back to the Soph's life drama

Chapter 3
Ah~ Character creation...

LONG!!!

I stopped there people who like game elements would like it
but it was too much... stuff for me...

It kind of lost me because so much of it is just playing the game...
It feels to me like very little is happening
It so... normal...

Maybe I am just not into the genre
Oh well.

 

[Clo]

Maybe I am just not into the genre

It's certainly a slow-burn and not for everyone! Thanks for reading it that far!

Ryan's certainly something...!

 

[Racosharko]

If you want (and aren't on mobile, rendering this moot), feel free to check out any of the stories in my signature. Or don't. It's a casual thread... :D

Argh Signature links...

I was just clicking randomly and looked at the first few chaps of all your books.

Jack Diamond: Monster Hunter
IMO Book 2 Blood Diamond has a better opening Chapter than bk1
its inciting incident clicked with me better

End up reading
Diamond in the Rough

Chapter 1

the Metropolitan Police Force

Would have enjoyed a fictional city name

“Hey, Jack,”

Milt got a nickname but not Jack...

Fun fact: Slang for Jack of Diamonds could be Roland, Hector, the Laughing Boy, or the Knave of Diamonds.

“I want a full set of eight by ten glossies,”

Nice lingo

“Good thinking, kid. Ugh what a mess.”

Can play around and see if “Good thinking, kid.' and "Ugh what a mess.” should have something in between.

Short, tight, and a bit slim in description but as far as cop stories go, experience and genre savvy readers can fill in the blanks, also assuming its a modern setting.

Chapter 2

Carol married Vito Mercotti.”

Can afford a snappy one-line or 2 of exposition, not too much but adds color to the mc.

"Love of my life" or "dodge a bullet" anything, a reactive stray thought could add a bit of background. So much info will be dunking on the pace. so just a bit. IMO

Without, adding that line there is a bit jarring for me the reader. BUT.... acceptable. I think....

“Maybe, but right now there seems to be something going on out front that needs your attention.”

To well times to the end of the conversation. Too clean.

YOu can try not letting Milt finish and be interrupted by the commotion and dragging the characters into the next scene.
it can be more dynamic,
you can even add a fake sentence so Milt does NEED to finish saying it for the plot.

Chapt 3
Might consider not telling all this all at once

Even nearly eight years after the last time I saw her, she could still take my breath away. She had apparently been exercising - she wore a gray leotard that left her fantastic legs (always her best feature) bare. Her light brown hair showed hints of blonde highlights now, and as it was tied back in a ponytail, it was hard to tell but it seemed shorter than I remembered. She had on little or no makeup, and her eyes seemed a bit raw, as if she had been fighting back tears.

I mean play around with it.

e.g this part

“I just got off the phone with Dominic. I know about my sister. Would you like to come in? Could throw on a pot of coffee?”

Can seen if it works if...
let's say...

“I just got off the phone with Dominic. I know about my sister." her eyes seemed a bit raw, as if she had been fighting back tears. "Would you like to come in? Could throw on a pot of coffee?”

That sorta feel.

procedural
Procedural

yeah it works

Stopped at the end of chap 3

I think its pretty solid.
Or it could just be a have a soft spot for the genre.