Sorry to bother, but I need your opinion about my writing.

[Rookieqw]

I've been using ProWritingAid to edit errors in my work, and recently I've been getting notifications that I often tell more than I show in my work. This happened with my last few chapters, and I am worried about it. If anyone has some free time to spare, is it possible for you to tell me if the program is right about this based on my latest chapter?

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1042505-hordedoom/chapter/1405460/

 

[Deleted member 266]

IMO

This could be "shown" instead of "tell", it's slowing down the scene

Till Ingo once claimed that Alpha’s murder tools could shave electrons from an atom. So prized they were that numerous government researchers attempted to replicate them, going so far as to clone parts of Alpha’s body, but each attempt was in vain. If not immediately transplanted into her body, the grown part would shrivel and break down. Like Ravager, Alpha’s body refused to share its secrets.

Could be "shown"

No soldier dared stand up to the warlord.

There are some after, but it is fine since it was the lull point of the "flow"

Imagine a hurricane born in a second.

Shuffles the action. instead of saying "imagine",
Just say it was a hurricane that ripped across the etc
play with the pros and see how to describe the speed.
you lose a bit of artistic beat but have gains in impact and pacing since action is picking up again
this can also be shown instead of telling

 

[JayMark]

I don't understand why you don't have more readers with 134 chapters. It's not bad. Unpopular genre? I know mecha tag is a bit unpopular. Tragedy too for some reason. You might also be losing readers in the prologue?

Some showing versus telling balance issues and clunky prose but I've seen much worse. The battle is a little unclear to me but I'm coming in at the last chapter and it was only a little unclear. You might need a hard rewrite of your early chapters to hook more readers.

 

[Rookieqw]

I don't understand why you don't have more readers with 134 chapters.

It is my immaturity as a writer. For example, on another site, a reader told me that I hate gays after reading this chapter, which involves Jaquan https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1042505-hordedoom/chapter/1223062/ . I apologized and asked what is wrong, but the reader said they couldn't follow me anymore. And I still don't understand what I did wrong. Was it that Jaquan panicked? But he is a civilian; not everyone can be a badass, and he still went right back to helping. Regardless, a proper writer would have been able to see a mistake based on the feedback and fix it. Then, on RR, another reader told me they couldn't stand bigotry and ableism, though I've never glorified either of those things. At least I hope I haven't.

I must have messed up the characters, the story, maybe created plot holes... Not sure. At this point I am willing to admit that I did everything wrong and use this story as a learning step. @Tempokai and many more wisely and graciously gave me valuable feedback that I focus too much on showing and that I need to learn how to show and tell, so I am reading Hemingway and trying to apply some lessons.

You might need a hard rewrite of your early chapters to hook more readers.

I did it (after the initial complains). Three times. I would like to polish its more, but I have spent so long writing this story that I already want to tell another one. I love my novel, otherwise I would not be working to finish it, but I want to write for people and earn comments, and sadly this is the story that is of interest to many.

 

[JayMark]

It is my immaturity as a writer. For example, on another site, a reader told me that I hate gays after reading this chapter, which involves Jaquan https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1042505-hordedoom/chapter/1223062/ . I apologized and asked what is wrong, but the reader said they couldn't follow me anymore. And I still don't understand what I did wrong. Was it that Jaquan panicked? But he is a civilian; not everyone can be a badass, and he still went right back to helping. Regardless, a proper writer would have been able to see a mistake based on the feedback and fix it. Then, on RR, another reader told me they couldn't stand bigotry and ableism, though I've never glorified either of those things. At least I hope I haven't.

Some readers don't realize that characters, even heros, can be flawed or say and do stupid things. You can try to know your audience, but some of that you'll never be able to avoid. Other readers will apply their moral framework to a world where that doesn't make sense. Other readers will hate if an inkling or sniff of theme x or theme y are sensed. Some story themes, no matter how well executed, just aren't in fashion at the moment and you'd be fighting an uphill battle to make it work. There's not much you can about any of this either.

I must have messed up the characters, the story, maybe created plot holes... Not sure. At this point I am willing to admit that I did everything wrong and use this story as a learning step. @Tempokai and many more wisely and graciously gave me valuable feedback that I focus too much on showing and that I need to learn how to show and tell, so I am reading Hemingway and trying to apply some lessons.

I just sent a major story right back to the writing file, so I know how it feels. I'm not sure if you should go that drastic. Reread head to toe rewrite is something I do occasionally. Though that won't get you more readers even if the story improves from what I learned. Learning how the classics write is good, but don't depend too much on that. The modern reader doesn't generally have that reading level anyway.

I did it (after the initial complains). Three times. I would like to polish its more, but I have spent so long writing this story that I already want to tell another one. I love my novel, otherwise I would not be working to finish it, but I want to write for people and earn comments, and sadly this is the story that is of interest to many.

Have you thought about bringing it to an acceptable conclusion while outlining your next idea? The other thing you can do is keep it as your passion project while your second story is trying a new thing. Granted, I'd only recommend one or two passion projects. You can use the second story to see if you can hook something more popular.