Need feedback on my story.

[Xierte]

I started to write not so long ago and ain't writing in English, therefore, my translation may be bad, it is translated via a translator. I will try to translate the other chapters on my own. I do only have 2 chapters, a prologue, and my first chapter.

The link is to my book:
Redemption Of Sins

Thank yall in advance

 

[Daydreamers]

I did read the first chapter , it is decent but i can't really judge it yet, because of the protagonist ,
he is a weird character , he was convinced that killing patients is a sign of mercy, and when the system called him out for it , instead of showing a reaction of either aggression or a cracked voice or whatever that would hint at some sort of doubt. he was like "what i'm not a hero? " it caught me off guard really ,
and some word choices, for exp this (Bored, he moved away from the system sphere...) I think instead of bored ,curious would've been better; you can't really be bored with a mind full of questions. I haven't paid much attention to details i read it for the sake of the story not to give a review, so i might be missing a lot of things
Overall, I’d say it’s a promising chapter. I was glad when the system pointed out the killing, even if the story and narrator might eventually side with the protagonist and justify his methods. The fact that it was addressed was nice. I would’ve hated it if the issue had been ignored and we just transitioned to a new world without mentioning it

may I ask what's the original language?, aslo I remembered , the order is a bit messed up , the prologue is after chapter 1

 

[Xierte]

I did read the first chapter , it is decent but i can't really judge it yet, because of the protagonist ,
he is a weird character , he was convinced that killing patients is a sign of mercy, and when the system called him out for it , instead of showing a reaction of either aggression or a cracked voice or whatever that would hint at some sort of doubt. he was like "what i'm not a hero? " it caught me off guard really ,
overall i would say promising chapter , I was happy when the system called the killing out , even if the story and narrator might take side with the protagonist proving his methods right , the fact that it was addressed was nice , i would've hated it if we had a conclusion and a transition to a new world without mentionning the issue
and some word choices, for exp this (Bored, he moved away from the system sphere...) I think instead of bored ,curious would've been better; you can't really be bored with a mind full of questions. I haven't paid much attention to details i read it for the sake of the story not to give a review, so i might be missing a lot of things
Overall, I’d say it’s a promising chapter. I was glad when the system pointed out the killing, even if the story and narrator might eventually side with the protagonist and justify his methods. The fact that it was addressed was nice. I would’ve hated it if the issue had been ignored and we just transitioned to a new world without mentioning it

may I ask what's the original language?, aslo I remembered , the order is a bit messed up , the prologue is after chapter 1

HI, thank you fro reading and writting back you opinion, you can't imagine how important it is to me, I'm not joking. I wrote the novel in russia and it is mine frist one (I published on wattpad first). Explaining and writing about feelings is very hard for me, therefore the feeling part is really strange.

Once again - Thank you so much, i kike when someone takes my work seriously.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

I put some comments on the chapter rather than here.

 

[Xierte]

I put some comments on the chapter rather than here.

Yes, thank you so much, it is even better

 

[Daydreamers]

HI, thank you fro reading and writting back you opinion, you can't imagine how important it is to me, I'm not joking. I wrote the novel in russia and it is mine frist one (I published on wattpad first). Explaining and writing about feelings is very hard for me, therefore the feeling part is really strange.

Once again - Thank you so much, i kike when someone takes my work seriously.

I see , I don't speak russian unfortunately , I hoped it would be either french or a language i know, to see how much better it is without translation, anyway keep it up and don't worry about the emotions writing thing , they vary from one person to another , things that are illogical to me might make sense to you and the others , and that's where you should focus on what you believe a character would feel and think not what's common or what psychology says otherwise you'll lose your ability to imagine properly

 

[GrotesqueHeaven]

Hey, i have read the first chapter and here are my thoughts (very subjective). Also i didn't read the feedback above, to talk only about what i think.

1 - You are the first author (except me) who i see who uses '-' for speech and " " for thoughts. Probably becouse i mostly read russian books.

2 -

What? I don’t know what a cyclical system is, so… 'game-like. – he said, wondering what it all meant.

Didn't he just asked a lot of questions to the sphere? what stops him from asking what 'cyclical system' is?

3 - 'Partial memory loss' seems strange to me if you want character to have a redemption ark. Of course that depends on what you are going to leave MC with. Or is it more like he loses knowledge about the technoogy and 'Earth', left only with basic understanding of things.

I guess that's all i have to say. The start is interesting, and i hope you will have fun writing more.

 

[Xierte]

Hey, i have read the first chapter and here are my thoughts (very subjective). Also i didn't read the feedback above, to talk only about what i think.

1 - You are the first author (except me) who i see who uses '-' for speech and " " for thoughts. Probably becouse i mostly read russian books.

2 -

Didn't he just asked a lot of questions to the sphere? what stops him from asking what 'cyclical system' is?

3 - 'Partial memory loss' seems strange to me if you want character to have a redemption ark. Of course that depends on what you are going to leave MC with. Or is it more like he loses knowledge about the technoogy and 'Earth', left only with basic understanding of things.

I guess that's all i have to say. The start is interesting, and i hope you will have fun writing more.

1. Ayo, you speak russian? I do prefer to write in russian, but it looks like some sites are nor progressed like this one (exept for ranobelib and some more) or do have much rules about the quality (have learn reading and writting by reading books, cuz I left from russia when I was 9, after third grade).

2. I was too lazy, my bad. I will rewrite later

3. True, but I didn't wanted him to be a guy from "the long name animes and light novels", but he will get back the memories. Haven't planed that long but he will get them back in the end of vol. 1 or 2. I wanted him to don't understand why he get that bad attention to him self, dont know really if that was clear.

Thank you for reading and the response, I will try to fix

I see , I don't speak russian unfortunately , I hoped it would be either french or a language i know, to see how much better it is without translation, anyway keep it up and don't worry about the emotions writing thing , they vary from one person to another , things that are illogical to me might make sense to you and the others , and that's where you should focus on what you believe a character would feel and think not what's common or what psychology says otherwise you'll lose your ability to imagine properly

Aight. Bro, I tried to learn french but is stuck cuz of the grammar and I am better on math rather than language. Can only say basics, but I would die if I wrote in french. But it is cool that you can even read french

 

[GrotesqueHeaven]

1. Ayo, you speak russian? I do prefer to write in russian, but it looks like some sites are nor progressed like this one (exept for ranobelib and some more) or do have much rules about the quality (have learn reading and writting by reading books, cuz I left from russia when I was 9, after third grade).

2. I was too lazy, my bad. I will rewrite later

3. True, but I didn't wanted him to be a guy from "the long name animes and light novels", but he will get back the memories. Haven't planed that long but he will get them back in the end of vol. 1 or 2. I wanted him to don't understand why he get that bad attention to him self, dont know really if that was clear.

Thank you for reading and the response, I will try to fix

Aight. Bro, I tried to learn french but is stuck cuz of the grammar and I am better on math rather than language. Can only say basics, but I would die if I wrote in french. But it is cool that you can even read french

1 Yes. And almost same, i left when i was 8.

2 I speedrunned first few chapters, now i have to go back and fix it too.

3 tbh i still don't get what you mean by that but okay :D

 

[istryj]

(I published on wattpad first).

Нирикамендую Ваттпад Тебя что-то удерживает от публикаций на российских ресурсах?

 

[Daydreamers]

Aight. Bro, I tried to learn french but is stuck cuz of the grammar and I am better on math rather than language. Can only say basics, but I would die if I wrote in french. But it is cool that you can even read french

it's more impressive you tried to learn french than me knowing the language , unlike you, i didn't have a choice , it was a given.

 

[Xierte]

Нирикамендую Ваттпад Тебя что-то удерживает от публикаций на российских ресурсах?

Ну например самиздат и тому подобное, да? Я бы с радостью, но хочу издать свою книгу не как российскую, желательно японскую, но не вариант. А русская аудитория, в моем понимании, недолюбливает новых российских авторов. Ну а Wattpad потому что первое что дошло. Ну скоро начну публикацию и на ранобелибе, но только после хорошей редактуры и когда лень пройдет, как то так. А ты тоже пишешь? Могу почитать несколько глав если буду свободен.

1 Yes. And almost same, i left when i was 8.

2 I speedrunned first few chapters, now i have to go back and fix it too.

3 tbh i still don't get what you mean by that but okay :D

3. Ayo

2.Yeah, same. Bow I will wait till I will be done with redacting all chapters.

3.Ну если если понимаешь русский, то могу и нормально объяснить. Ну я хотел чтобы он прошел через ненависть и негодование населения того мира, не понимая за что. Типо все говорят что он что-то сделал, но он не помнит этого. Там позже в книге распространяют информацию о том что он убийца и убил 27 жертв. А когда он впервые увидит как страдает его друг или кто-то ему близкий он вспомнит все, ну там посмотрю что да как.

it's more impressive you tried to learn french than me knowing the language , unlike you, i didn't have a choice , it was a given.

It was because of school?, but thanks

 

[istryj]

Ну например самиздат и тому подобное, да? Я бы с радостью, но хочу издать свою книгу не как российскую, желательно японскую, но не вариант. А русская аудитория, в моем понимании, недолюбливает новых российских авторов. Ну а Wattpad потому что первое что дошло. Ну скоро начну публикацию и на ранобелибе, но только после хорошей редактуры и когда лень пройдет, как то так. А ты тоже пишешь? Могу почитать несколько глав если буду свободен.

Yes, “Samizdat” and similar platforms. You’re wrong about the audience—new authors (in fiction, at least) do make some money. If I were a Russian citizen, I’d already be selling my book. As a new author, I barged in with my isekai story and could theoretically be making a profit. Because of the war, I had to forget about Russian online resources. Now I’m translating with AI and trying to settle in here.

If you need it, and if you have drafts in Russian, I can recommend a writers’ community that helped me a lot. I posted on Wattpad, but it’s pretty sketchy. If your English is decent, maybe you could check out the quality of my book’s translation sometime. I’ll read yours with AI =) when I get the chance, since my English isn’t good enough to handle walls of text.

 

[Xierte]

Yes, “Samizdat” and similar platforms. You’re wrong about the audience—new authors (in fiction, at least) do make some money. If I were a Russian citizen, I’d already be selling my book. As a new author, I barged in with my isekai story and could theoretically be making a profit. Because of the war, I had to forget about Russian online resources. Now I’m translating with AI and trying to settle in here.

If you need it, and if you have drafts in Russian, I can recommend a writers’ community that helped me a lot. I posted on Wattpad, but it’s pretty sketchy. If your English is decent, maybe you could check out the quality of my book’s translation sometime. I’ll read yours with AI =) when I get the chance, since my English isn’t good enough to handle walls of text.

The problem is that i don't live in Russia for moment. But I will try to check your book, even if my english isn't good

 

[Rookieqw]

Yes, “Samizdat” and similar platforms. You’re wrong about the audience—new authors (in fiction, at least) do make some money. If I were a Russian citizen, I’d already be selling my book. As a new author, I barged in with my isekai story and could theoretically be making a profit. Because of the war, I had to forget about Russian online resources. Now I’m translating with AI and trying to settle in here.

If you need it, and if you have drafts in Russian, I can recommend a writers’ community that helped me a lot. I posted on Wattpad, but it’s pretty sketchy. If your English is decent, maybe you could check out the quality of my book’s translation sometime. I’ll read yours with AI =) when I get the chance, since my English isn’t good enough to handle walls of text.

Sorry to be a bother, but where is it best to post on Russian resources? I am not looking to make a рубль или копейка, but I'd love people to read and comment on my stories. However I never found a proper analog to this site or RR in my homeland.

 

[istryj]

I started to write not so long ago and ain't writing in English, therefore, my translation may be bad, it is translated via a translator. I will try to translate the other chapters on my own. I do only have 2 chapters, a prologue, and my first chapter.

The link is to my book:
Redemption Of Sins

Thank yall in advance

“He still couldn’t believe what was happening—after all, he only wanted to help his patients.” This is phrased very poorly, or else the doctor is a genuine maniac, possibly schizophrenic. And the whole paragraph afterward—he comes off as a flat character, like a soap-opera archetype. And it’s SCARY. Is that the intention?

For example: “He sighed sadly—he knew he was taking a risk every time, but ever since he was exposed, he still couldn’t believe what was happening,” and so on. That way, he seems more human.

“When he came to, he realized he was lying on something.” — the sentence is meaningless because we’re always lying on something. Either remove it or clarify that he’s lying on a busty blonde. Naked.

For example: “When he came to, he moved around a bit and realized he was lying down.”

“You were chosen because you met the summoner’s criteria: you are guilty, you’re to be executed, and you are not a psychopath with disorders like schizophrenia.” The problem here is that either the main character is a psychopath/schizophrenic, or he’s the spawn of Satan.

Otherwise, it’s not badly written; I’ve read much worse. Much, much worse.

 

[Xierte]

“He still couldn’t believe what was happening—after all, he only wanted to help his patients.” This is phrased very poorly, or else the doctor is a genuine maniac, possibly schizophrenic. And the whole paragraph afterward—he comes off as a flat character, like a soap-opera archetype. And it’s SCARY. Is that the intention?

For example: “He sighed sadly—he knew he was taking a risk every time, but ever since he was exposed, he still couldn’t believe what was happening,” and so on. That way, he seems more human.

“When he came to, he realized he was lying on something.” — the sentence is meaningless because we’re always lying on something. Either remove it or clarify that he’s lying on a busty blonde. Naked.

For example: “When he came to, he moved around a bit and realized he was lying down.”

“You were chosen because you met the summoner’s criteria: you are guilty, you’re to be executed, and you are not a psychopath with disorders like schizophrenia.” The problem here is that either the main character is a psychopath/schizophrenic, or he’s the spawn of Satan.

Otherwise, it’s not badly written; I’ve read much worse. Much, much worse.

I am terrible at writing about feelings, but when you tell me, I think something went wrong... I was trying to make him a bit crazy. But he would be normal later in the third book by losing his friends for the same reason (killed by someone). but he is not schizophrenic but a psychopath in that way that he doesn't see what is wrong with his behavior. Thank you for the response, I will try to fix it as soon as possible. That was a really good response. I haven't planned the book normally and wrote what came to my head and published, it without looking through it, but won't do alike anymore. Thank you again

Sorry to be a bother, but where is it best to post on Russian resources? I am not looking to make a рубль или копейка, but I'd love people to read and comment on my stories. However I never found a proper analog to this site or RR in my homeland.

Try Rulate, Ranobelib (a bit hard to understand for me), Самиздат or Ficbook. I know more, but these are most used by me. You can also try Wattpad, but it is hard to be popular there in Russia

 

[istryj]

I am terrible at writing about feelings, but when you tell me, I think something went wrong... I was trying to make him a bit crazy. But he would be normal later in the third book by losing his friends for the same reason (killed by someone). but he is not schizophrenic but a psychopath in that way that he doesn't see what is wrong with his behavior. Thank you for the response, I will try to fix it as soon as possible. That was a really good response. I haven't planned the book normally and wrote what came to my head and published, it without looking through it, but won't do alike anymore. Thank you again


Try Rulate, Ranobelib (a bit hard to understand for me), Самиздат or Ficbook. I know more, but these are most used by me. You can also try Wattpad, but it is hard to be popular there in Russia

This is a character creation issue. Learn how to craft believable characters—ideally, by reading plenty of high-quality literature so you can absorb the techniques. Then you’ll be able to create characters “by template” without digging too deep into psychology.

 

[GrotesqueHeaven]

Sorry to be a bother, but where is it best to post on Russian resources? I am not looking to make a рубль или копейка, but I'd love people to read and comment on my stories. However I never found a proper analog to this site or RR in my homeland.

Hey, I know i am a bit late and you got the answer already but still. I posted mine on author.today and use it if i am looking for russian stories.