Rate my scholarship essay (part 1)

[BLIGHT_ZERO]

Out of the three options of being rich, funny, or smart, I’d much rather be smart. I mean, I’m already pretty hilarious (I've got two sources to prove it, no they are not my parents), and when you're intelligent, money comes far easier. And as for the “Why?”, when you're smart, you can change the world. When applying for scholarships, almost everyone suddenly wants to become the savior of the world in their applications, but if you seriously want to do that, it takes brains.

I’ve always wanted to leave my mark on history, make an impact, and be known for something in life. Now, someone could just say why don’t I just pick “Rich” and use the money to do some good in the world, and to that, I would say, I know myself. With my luck, I’d get scammed by trying to invest in some new cryptocurrency scam and losing all my money. Or I’d brag online and immediately get robbed.

When you have intelligence, true intelligence, you can build generational wealth, wealth that I’m not sure I could get even if I toiled my entire life to get. When you have smarts, you can do things the average person wouldn’t even begin to think about. And I’ve always wanted to be that person, that person who can make a true splash in the world. The person who sets trends and changes lives.

That is why I’d rather be smart.

I feel kind off topic. gimme feedback pls

Stay tuned for the 400 word one.

 

[Deleted member 76176]

I feel kind off topic. gimme feedback pls

Stay tuned for the 400 word one.

So um scholarship essay on what?

 

[BLIGHT_ZERO]

So um scholarship essay on what?

"Would you rather be smart, funny or rich? Why?"

 

[CarburetorThompson]

Is the question would you rather be smart, rich or funny? If so this is my advice.

Start over. You are picking the easiest most cookie cutter answer possible. The answer everyone expects you to write.

I’d instead pick funny, talk about the importance of interpersonal relationships and how you wish to get along and befriend people. I’d then pivot the essay to say how I would pick all three, because these things aren’t mutually exclusive, and using my own effort i’d strive to achieve all of these traits.

Another thing, even if you don’t follow my advice you need to remove your second paragraph. If this is a scholarship essay you are trying to sell yourself. #1 rule of sales, don’t speak negatively about your own product. There is no reason to mention that you think you are stupid, and would be scammed on crypto currency

 

[BLIGHT_ZERO]

Is the question would you rather be smart, rich or funny? If so this is my advice.

Start over. You are picking the easiest most cookie cutter answer possible. The answer everyone expects you to write.

I’d instead pick funny, talk about the importance of interpersonal relationships and how you wish to get along and befriend people. I’d then pivot the essay to say how I would pick all three, because these things aren’t mutually exclusive, and using my own effort i’d strive to achieve all of these traits.

Another thing, even if you don’t follow my advice you need to remove your second paragraph. If this is a scholarship essay you are trying to sell yourself. #1 rule of sales, don’t speak negatively about your own product. There is no reason to mention that you think you are stupid, and would be scammed on crypto currency

 

[Tempokai]

Oh, you thought you nailed that scholarship essay, huh? Let me guess—you strutted in, metaphorical quill in hand, thinking, “I’ll dazzle them with my charm and intellect!” Instead, you wrote a self-centered ramble that screams, “Look at me, I’m so amazing!” Spoiler alert: nobody cares how clever you think you are. They care about what you represent and can contribute.

Your ethos? Nonexistent. Starting with a question makes you sound unsure, like you’re fishing for validation. Logos? Sure, you’ve got facts, but they’re buried under a mound of awkward ego-flexing. And pathos? Ha! You’re so busy patting yourself on the back, you forgot to connect with your reader.

Scholarship committees want purpose and humility, not an ego parade. Pro tip: less “me, me, me,” more “we, we, we.” Rewrite it, but this time, don’t treat the reader like they’re lucky to breathe the same rhetorical air as you.

 

[BLIGHT_ZERO]

Oh, you thought you nailed that scholarship essay, huh? Let me guess—you strutted in, metaphorical quill in hand, thinking, “I’ll dazzle them with my charm and intellect!” Instead, you wrote a self-centered ramble that screams, “Look at me, I’m so amazing!” Spoiler alert: nobody cares how clever you think you are. They care about what you represent and can contribute.

Your ethos? Nonexistent. Starting with a question makes you sound unsure, like you’re fishing for validation. Logos? Sure, you’ve got facts, but they’re buried under a mound of awkward ego-flexing. And pathos? Ha! You’re so busy patting yourself on the back, you forgot to connect with your reader.

Scholarship committees want purpose and humility, not an ego parade. Pro tip: less “me, me, me,” more “we, we, we.” Rewrite it, but this time, don’t treat the reader like they’re lucky to breathe the same rhetorical air as you.

Its due today and i haven't slept lmao.

Is the question would you rather be smart, rich or funny? If so this is my advice.

Start over. You are picking the easiest most cookie cutter answer possible. The answer everyone expects you to write.

I’d instead pick funny, talk about the importance of interpersonal relationships and how you wish to get along and befriend people. I’d then pivot the essay to say how I would pick all three, because these things aren’t mutually exclusive, and using my own effort i’d strive to achieve all of these traits.

Another thing, even if you don’t follow my advice you need to remove your second paragraph. If this is a scholarship essay you are trying to sell yourself. #1 rule of sales, don’t speak negatively about your own product. There is no reason to mention that you think you are stupid, and would be scammed on crypto currency

here

Out of the three options of being rich, funny, or smart, I’d prefer being funny. As for why, It’s a simple reason really. Funny people are the best people to be around. When you are a funny person, you’re naturally charismatic. You make people laugh and just… attract good energy to you. All my life has been online, from my school to jobs, to interactions with other human beings.

My greatest fear in life is that I won’t find anyone. Not just romantically, but platonically. I won’t have the chance to experience these things, these types of human love and connection, and I won’t find my group of people. That my life will just be limited to a computer screen. But if there was a person who could get out into the world and make friends with just about anyone, it’s a funny person.

A person who lights up the room and lightens up the mood. Whose very presence makes people forget about their problems for the time they're around them. That’s the type of person I want to be.

But I also want to be rich and smart. These things could change my life, change my whole family’s life. That’s why I pick all three things. I want to be all of these things, and I can and will be, because it’s not an “Either or” situation. You can be rich, funny, and smart, all at once. And every day I get closer and closer to each.

And one day, I will be all three.

im running out of power.

Oh, you thought you nailed that scholarship essay, huh? Let me guess—you strutted in, metaphorical quill in hand, thinking, “I’ll dazzle them with my charm and intellect!” Instead, you wrote a self-centered ramble that screams, “Look at me, I’m so amazing!” Spoiler alert: nobody cares how clever you think you are. They care about what you represent and can contribute.

Your ethos? Nonexistent. Starting with a question makes you sound unsure, like you’re fishing for validation. Logos? Sure, you’ve got facts, but they’re buried under a mound of awkward ego-flexing. And pathos? Ha! You’re so busy patting yourself on the back, you forgot to connect with your reader.

Scholarship committees want purpose and humility, not an ego parade. Pro tip: less “me, me, me,” more “we, we, we.” Rewrite it, but this time, don’t treat the reader like they’re lucky to breathe the same rhetorical air as you.

first explain what an ethos and a logos is.

 

[Tempokai]

first explain what an ethos and a logos is.

Grog want shiny scholarship. Grog write big words to impress Jrog, who hold shiny coin. But Grog forget how Jrog think, so Grog mess up. Let me explain why.

First, Grog need Jrog to trust him. This called “ethos.” If Grog say, “I smart, I funny, I best choice,” but not show why, Jrog think, “Hmph, Grog full of mammoth dung.” Jrog need to see Grog as strong, wise, and humble—not just loud. Grog fail here because he brag too much and act like he already smarter than everyone. Jrog no like braggart.

Then, Grog need “logos,” which is brain talk. Grog say smart things like, “Me use big brain to change world.” But then Grog ruin it by saying, “Me probably fall for scam and lose all shiny coin.” Jrog think, “How Grog change world if Grog lose all coin to random cave email?” Grog confuse himself and Jrog.

Last, Grog need “pathos,” the heart talk. Grog need make Jrog feel warm inside, like when campfire glow at night. But instead of sharing story of how Grog help others, Grog talk only about Grog. Jrog think, “Why give coin to Grog if Grog only care about Grog?” Jrog want to hear about big dreams, helping clan, not just Grog saying, “Me funny, me smart.”

So, Grog fail. If Grog want coin, he fix story. Less brag, more humble. Show big plans, not just big ego. Then maybe Jrog give shiny coin.

 

[BLIGHT_ZERO]

Grog want shiny scholarship. Grog write big words to impress Jrog, who hold shiny coin. But Grog forget how Jrog think, so Grog mess up. Let me explain why.

First, Grog need Jrog to trust him. This called “ethos.” If Grog say, “I smart, I funny, I best choice,” but not show why, Jrog think, “Hmph, Grog full of mammoth dung.” Jrog need to see Grog as strong, wise, and humble—not just loud. Grog fail here because he brag too much and act like he already smarter than everyone. Jrog no like braggart.

Then, Grog need “logos,” which is brain talk. Grog say smart things like, “Me use big brain to change world.” But then Grog ruin it by saying, “Me probably fall for scam and lose all shiny coin.” Jrog think, “How Grog change world if Grog lose all coin to random cave email?” Grog confuse himself and Jrog.

Last, Grog need “pathos,” the heart talk. Grog need make Jrog feel warm inside, like when campfire glow at night. But instead of sharing story of how Grog help others, Grog talk only about Grog. Jrog think, “Why give coin to Grog if Grog only care about Grog?” Jrog want to hear about big dreams, helping clan, not just Grog saying, “Me funny, me smart.”

So, Grog fail. If Grog want coin, he fix story. Less brag, more humble. Show big plans, not just big ego. Then maybe Jrog give shiny coin.

ookay

how about the new one.

 

[Deleted member 76176]

A quick rewrite may be necessary. My English teacher used to say that essays are linked to exploring humanity. However, what you wrote is quite surface level; it doesn't explore any ideas or themes. You tried to be cheeky with your tone and POV, which obviously didn't work. Broadly, there is nothing of value or interest for the reader. No offense.

From an opening paragraph, a reader wants to know 4 things.

1. What is it about?
2. Will it interest me?
3. What does the author intend to do?
4. What kind of person is the author?

Announce the subject matter, impose limitations, write down the plan for the essay, and set up the point of view and tone. The first three can be done in a single sentence and can be implicit; however, your creativity limits it. Try to create interest. I'd personally attempt to answer why each of them might be compelling before settling on my final answer and why. That's my limitation (exploring the three potential options) and as well plan for the rest of my essay.

 

[2wordsperminute]

first explain what an ethos and a logos is.

How are you trying to get into college without knowing these?

 

[BLIGHT_ZERO]

How are you trying to get into college without knowing these?

 

[ConansWitchBaby]

Just do what I did.

"I have no idea why you would give me a scholarship but, I'm literally better than 99% of everyone else here. I'd probably just use all the money on two books or something."

Easy.

 

[wresch]

Wow. This track wanders far off topic (scholarship apps. Really?). But there is important content here. Ethos, logos, pathos. Let me connect to story writing.

Ethos. This person writing the story. Do it trust them? Knowledgeable? Honorable? Leading me in a direction I should follow? Early in the first chapter I am making a judgement.

Logos. Do characters act in reasonable ways? Do events seem possible? Yes, we expect a willing suspension of disbelief, but not a belief in nonsense.

Pathos. (Key to me when I read). Do I care about the MC? Win, lose, or draw, does it matter to me? If the answer is no, I stop reading pretty fast. I know this can be a challenge since we seem to have less patience with character building than in the past. But we can build character while building action.

Thanks for taking this back to classic rhetoric. Hope my twist seems useful.