Looking for feedback on my latest Webnovel

Clo

Clo

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Hi Scribblehub forums!

I've recently starting posting (and will keep posting chapters as I finish my edit pass on them) chapters of a story I've been working on for around 4 months now. I'd love to get some eyes on it, and certainly would love to hear other writer's opinions on it, the good and the bad.

I'm not sure I have it in me to go ask Tempokai for a roast in their thread just yet, however... (But I probably wouldn't mind if they saw this post and decided to offer it anyway)

So I was wondering if people might be interested in review swaps with me, or simply going to rate and review it?

The link:
www.scribblehub.com

State of the Art

In a near-future world where reality often feels like an afterthought, players escape into A Realm Reforged Again—a groundbreaking VR MMORPG offering unparalleled character customization. Follow Jason, Ryan, Emmy, and Sophie as they navigate personal struggles both in and out of the game...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com

It's got a little bit of everything. Speculative fiction, GameLit/LitRPG, LGBTQ+, Slice of Life, multiple protagonists/POV, Transformations...
 
AuroraAvengarde

AuroraAvengarde

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Clo said:
Hi Scribblehub forums!

I've recently starting posting (and will keep posting chapters as I finish my edit pass on them) chapters of a story I've been working on for around 4 months now. I'd love to get some eyes on it, and certainly would love to hear other writer's opinions on it, the good and the bad.

I'm not sure I have it in me to go ask Tempokai for a roast in their thread just yet, however... (But I probably wouldn't mind if they saw this post and decided to offer it anyway)

So I was wondering if people might be interested in review swaps with me, or simply going to rate and review it?

The link:
www.scribblehub.com

State of the Art

In a near-future world where reality often feels like an afterthought, players escape into A Realm Reforged Again—a groundbreaking VR MMORPG offering unparalleled character customization. Follow Jason, Ryan, Emmy, and Sophie as they navigate personal struggles both in and out of the game...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com

It's got a little bit of everything. Speculative fiction, GameLit/LitRPG, LGBTQ+, Slice of Life, multiple protagonists/POV, Transformations...
Click to expand...
Well it sounds cool! I dont know about a review, but I'll definitely read it and leave some pleasant comments if you want.
 
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AuroraAvengarde

AuroraAvengarde

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It'll probably take me a day or two though. I work like...12 to 14 hours a day. Super fulltime as I like to call it. lol. But I'll set some reading (and commenting time) aside for it. @Clo
 
Clo

Clo

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AuroraAvengarde said:
It'll probably take me a day or two though. I work like...12 to 14 hours a day. Super fulltime as I like to call it. lol. But I'll set some reading (and commenting time) aside for it. @Clo
Click to expand...
No worries, I appreciate it!

I really enjoyed T-C-X BEYOND! Given the tags and synopsis, I can't wait to see where this goes next!

One small comment I'd like to point is there seems to be some tense slips in both chapters. Couple of examples:
Chapter 1:
The weight of the Colossus presses down on me the moment I open my eyes. (Present)
I turned my head, and used my right arm to lift the shutter on the window beside my bunk (Past)

Interlude1:
“Yes,” I said, as the the painful realities of my life came crashing back down upon me. (Past)
I nod, giving him my best smile. (Present)
I felt warm again. (Past)
Click to expand...
I know I personally struggle writing in the present tense, and that often leads me to slip to past. My preference is certainly to write everything in past tense.
 
C

CharlesEBrown

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AuroraAvengarde said:
Ehhh. I dont get it? I mean I get that its a joke, but dont understand the parole process well enough to get the punchline. lol
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I think the implication was that only people behind bars work those kinds of hours.
AuroraAvengarde said:
Also: I have a job that has 80 hour work weeks. ☠️?☠️
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Wow - the worst I've seen was a guy I knew in Chicago who worked three twelve hour days, had one day where he could be "on call" 24-7 but only had to work if an emergency came up, then had two days off, another on-call day, and a different 12-hour/3 day cycle (either starting at 6 AM, at noon or at 6 PM for each three-day stint)
 
Clo

Clo

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anonjohn20 said:
Your story has no smut, 0/10. LOL just kidding.
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Not yet it doesn't...!
That said, I don't know if I am qualified to write any. But there certainly will be some romance at least.
 
Daydreamers

Daydreamers

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AuroraAvengarde said:
Ehhh. I dont get it? I mean I get that its a joke, but dont understand the parole process well enough to get the punchline. lol

Also: I have a job that has 80 hour work weeks. ☠️?☠️
Click to expand...
For the better , it was a lame joke.
Anyway good luck with your job , and hopefully you' ll find something better.
80 hours is insane
Clo said:
Not yet it doesn't...!
That said, I don't know if I am qualified to write any. But there certainly will be some romance at least.
Click to expand...
Oh then i ll try to check it out , i thought it had smut at first.
 
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Clo

Clo

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Daydreamers said:
Oh then i ll try to check it out , i thought it had smut at first.
Click to expand...
I feel am probably way too Aro/Ace to include smut for the sake of smut. It could be that characters develop in such a way that hints (or even depicts or reminisce) at scenes like that.
And if it feels natural to include it in the story, then I probably will try my best at handling it with respect.
All in all, I don’t think it is likely to happen, but if it does, it will hopefully feel appropriate.
 
Seaspecter

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I dropped a barebones review I’ll expand it when more of the story comes out.

So far it’s great keep up the good work!
 
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Seaspecter

Seaspecter

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Clo said:
Thank you so much Seaspecter! It was fun following along your journey and reading/responding to your comments!
Click to expand...
Comments are my favorite thing as an author so I make sure to leave them on any story I read.
 
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