First Chapter Impressions Swap?

[PBJ_Time]

I finally published my book and thought I would do this for others. It's not approved yet, but I can wait.

Any feedback for my story (that finally isn't a draft) will be much appreciated. I'll read any story, including smut, gender bender, or whatever kinky shit you write. My book is in the signature. Thank you.

Beware the Horde [Isekai LitRPG]

New chapters every MWF, 8:00 PM EST. Also available on Royal Road. *** ~Too raw to live, too far to die.~ MMA fanatic and local champion Hajime Kato once thought the world was his oyster. Now, after his untimely death, he gets thrown into a new reality dominated by a game screen...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Ephemera_1]

Hey there!

I'm also writing a isekai-LITRPG can we swap and Review - Mine isn't polished but i wanted a mature (age) take on the isekai world.
Can We Review, Swap and encorouge each other for our updates!

Tour De Force (Isekai)

Towers! Dungeons! Labyrinth, and Rifts!!! This is a world where you find your tribe and sanctuary! Nothing is for Keeps - Free for all! brashtilia is formerly known as a holiday resort for players and the first level before they can select their destination in other uniservers. It has settled...

www.scribblehub.com

Tour De Force - Feats of strength.

it's essentially about a 30 year old woman in 1996 who gets introduced to dungeons and dragons which was similar to her blackout past.
She was from a Holiday Resort Isekai World that hosted other uniservers despite mixed mechanics.
Someone lost his sanity and turned to a 30-foot Dragon and after all the heroes exhausted themselves.
She accidentally tripped (she's 5 years old) from the public stairs of a decimated city pushing a spear that finished the dragon's heart.

She ended up in our world in 1973 Soviet union after that incident and a run-in with looters.
The story is set from there.

The first chapter is character development and easter eggs but i don't think it's polished enough.
I also want to get into the isekai in the third chapter so some support please - i have no problem writing but motivation.
The Mechanics is top Ace as i left my draft in chapter two (Which wil be edited.)

I'l be looking at yours and anyone else who wants to check out OP's first impression.

 

[JayMark]

*Moved to correct thread*

Hajimemashita! Yoroshiku onegai shimasu!

I will check it out. Looks interdasting.

Quite the promising start. It is well written. The grammar is near perfect, and formatting well done, the style is light, and the prose is tight. I like the story. It dives right in to the other world, as isekai's tend to do. The system is well organized and author isn't being obnoxious with it. The characterization is good. I knew what Hajime would choose just from reading the first 500 words. I liked the fight choreography so far as well. The pacing is a little fast for me, but that's a matter of taste, it's well done.

What I didn't like: Only one thing really. It's really tempting to tell character emotions and I do it sometimes myself. This is terrifying, that is awesome, he felt excited. Do this very rarely. I try to avoid it and if I find myself going there, I attempt to rewrite so the feeling is shown by narrative. It's exhausting because it's a 'no shortcut' way of showing how the character feels. Scenery and Actions are superior to Dialogue which is superior to outright telling. Though there are rare exceptions where I absolutely want to slap the reader in the face and tell them how the character feels.

Great first chapter start, keep it up.

 

[PBJ_Time]

*Moved to correct thread*

Hajimemashita! Yoroshiku onegai shimasu!

I will check it out. Looks interdasting.

Quite the promising start. It is well written. The grammar is near perfect, and formatting well done, the style is light, and the prose is tight. I like the story. It dives right in to the other world, as isekai's tend to do. The system is well organized and author isn't being obnoxious with it. The characterization is good. I knew what Hajime would choose just from reading the first 500 words. I liked the fight choreography so far as well. The pacing is a little fast for me, but that's a matter of taste, it's well done.

What I didn't like: Only one thing really. It's really tempting to tell character emotions and I do it sometimes myself. This is terrifying, that is awesome, he felt excited. Do this very rarely. I try to avoid it and if I find myself going there, I attempt to rewrite so the feeling is shown by narrative. It's exhausting because it's a 'no shortcut' way of showing how the character feels. Scenery and Actions are superior to Dialogue which is superior to outright telling. Though there are rare exceptions where I absolutely want to slap the reader in the face and tell them how the character feels.

Great first chapter start, keep it up.

Thanks, fam. I was worried my story would be just a bunch of word vomit like my previous drafts. Do you have a story of your own?

 

[CharlesEBrown]

The chapter was good, clean. The synopsis is a bit clunky though.

 

[JayMark]

Thanks, fam. I was worried my story would be just a bunch of word vomit like my previous drafts. Do you have a story of your own?

I put a link in my profile. It's the unapproved image.