E

[Deleted member 180663]

E

 

[Ruti]

remember to link your story! very important (its really annoying to search up via author or novel title)

 

[Deleted member 180663]

remember to link your story! very important (its really annoying to search up via author or novel title)

Done

 

[Tempokai]

I've read 3 chapters, and I must say, it's a postmodernist dumpster fire. Hell, I can't even say it's postmodernist, because it veered off course when the "da systema" had appeared. I'll just list of inherent problems of this "webnovel" (or I should say ARG disguised as whatever hell this is really):

1. Inconsistent tone and genre identity.
Problem: This story doesn't know what it wants to be: LitRPG, cosmic horror, psychological thriller, tragic antihero tale, or dark fantasy. It’s trying to do all of these at once, but it ends up like a buffet where everything’s slathered in the same existentially bleak sauce (and particularly disgusting one, filled with coal instead of soy sauce). If it's the experiment on postmodernism, good job, you've ruined the postmodernism wanted to ruin the most, MEANING, with SSS+ score. Pick a primary genre and tone, then let other elements support it. If it’s a LitRPG, lean into game mechanics and make Hoshino’s “edginess” a comedic or tragic flaw. If it’s horror, drop the RPG stats and skill trees. Decide if readers are meant to empathize with or fear Hoshino, then adjust the tone accordingly. I don't feel that it's fucking tragedy, only ideas mashed together like it's some sort of literary Play-Doh. It's essentially genre-bending done wrong.

2. Excessive use of edgy tropes and overdone dark themes.
Problem: You have crammed every possible dark and brooding trope into Hoshino's character. From "apathetic prodigy" to "destined for genocide," he’s a walking sad-boy meme with a god complex and a tragic backstory so heavy-handed it’s almost self-parody. As if goth kid from 2008 had been in cryostasis for 16 years and then posted his stupid nihilism that's misinterpretation of Nietzsche all over this webnovel. Trim the edge. Hoshino doesn’t need to be a prodigy, soulless, emotionally detached, betrayed, and orphaned. Choose one or two flaws and weave them into his character naturally. Showing subtle, specific moments of pain or cynicism will create a more relatable, complex character. Less is more—one tragic flaw well-written is worth more than a dozen scattered buzzwords.

3. Dialogue is NOT realistic. Whatsoever.
Problem: The dialogue is self-conscious, as if it knows someone is reading it and embarrassed by it, overly expository (you could skip a lot of words and still come out to the same emotion), and reads like characters are delivering monologues for the audience, not having conversations. Hoshino’s indifference makes his lines dull, and cosmic beings sound like they’re reading from a script, and a bad one at that. Characters should speak like actual people. Show how they feel through subtext and reactions rather than explaining their emotions outright. Also, if Hoshino is truly apathetic, give him snarky, blunt dialogue rather than repetitive deadpan lines that all sound the same.

4. Information overload and unnecessary lore dumps.
Problem: The story suffers from constant infodumps. Sure, there's explanations of timelines, and breakdowns of multiverse mechanics that interrupt the story's flow. Most of this lore lacks context and urgency, so it makes me feel BORED rather than intrigued. Introduce information organically and as needed for the story. Avoid telling us everything at once; let readers uncover the lore through events and dialogue. Also, prioritize only the most relevant information to keep the pacing tight. Why on earth I need 20 different fates, if the MC already knows what he'll choose? It only clutters the webnovel with words that don't give me immersion OR wonder.

5. System.
It's a fucking joke, a parody of one if I ever saw one. The LitRPG elements (stats, skills, quests, systems) are not only overly complex but also suffer from needless repetition. Stats like “Mentality: -∞” feel like an edgy gimmick, and repeated death messages are exhausting rather than impactful. I just scrolled down instead of interacting with it mentally. I don't know how to even fix it, it's an abomination that either needs to be fixed by rewriting from the beginning (making it either consistent or streamlined, focused on one thing only) or just by removing it and making AN ACTUAL FATE THAT DOES THINGS AND MC FEELS IT, without fancy system windows.

6. Sentences themselves.
Sentences are bloated by filler words, redundant descriptions, and overly complex phrasing. Instead of adding depth, the verbosity drags down the pacing and makes scenes feel melodramatic, which I hate. Cut unnecessary adjectives and adverbs, and aim for clarity over complexity. Descriptions should serve the tone and atmosphere without becoming repetitive.

7. It's repetitive.
Sure, it's all about loops, but loops can be made well. Just read the "A Regressor’s Tale of Cultivation", and you'll see it done well. Not this crap. If loops and repetition are part of the story’s theme, each one should bring something new. Introduce variations in the cycle, new information, or a fresh perspective each time it resets. If a loop adds no value to MC’s character development, cut it out.

8. Hoshino is fucking aesthetic, not a human being.
There's no "human" in MC, His personality seems to be defined solely by his apathy and superiority complex, with little nuance or depth. Everything about him is “dark and edgy” but doesn’t reveal why he is this way. Humanize Hoshino. Show his vulnerability, even if it’s something he doesn’t acknowledge directly. Give him small, distinct traits beyond brooding so that readers can connect with him. Perhaps he has a hidden soft spot, a fear, or an awkward flaw. Make him more than just a tragic archetype by letting him have actual motivations and desires beyond vague nihilism.

9. GRAMMAR. Typos, wrong spellings, and general distaste for coherency. Did you proofread or passed through at least word error checker?

I dunno man, I give up. I could write more, but I just give up. It's bad, ARG levels of bad. At least those have meaning to the nonsense, however small, but this is angst purified, distilled, and passed through fragmentation and loss of grand narrative like a fine piece of postmodernism. Have a good night.

 

[LoneQuack]

I've read 3 chapters, and I must say, it's a postmodernist dumpster fire. Hell, I can't even say it's postmodernist, because it veered off course when the "da systema" had appeared. I'll just list of inherent problems of this "webnovel" (or I should say ARG disguised as whatever hell this is really):

1. Inconsistent tone and genre identity.
Problem: This story doesn't know what it wants to be: LitRPG, cosmic horror, psychological thriller, tragic antihero tale, or dark fantasy. It’s trying to do all of these at once, but it ends up like a buffet where everything’s slathered in the same existentially bleak sauce (and particularly disgusting one, filled with coal instead of soy sauce). If it's the experiment on postmodernism, good job, you've ruined the postmodernism wanted to ruin the most, MEANING, with SSS+ score. Pick a primary genre and tone, then let other elements support it. If it’s a LitRPG, lean into game mechanics and make Hoshino’s “edginess” a comedic or tragic flaw. If it’s horror, drop the RPG stats and skill trees. Decide if readers are meant to empathize with or fear Hoshino, then adjust the tone accordingly. I don't feel that it's fucking tragedy, only ideas mashed together like it's some sort of literary Play-Doh. It's essentially genre-bending done wrong.

2. Excessive use of edgy tropes and overdone dark themes.
Problem: You have crammed every possible dark and brooding trope into Hoshino's character. From "apathetic prodigy" to "destined for genocide," he’s a walking sad-boy meme with a god complex and a tragic backstory so heavy-handed it’s almost self-parody. As if goth kid from 2008 had been in cryostasis for 16 years and then posted his stupid nihilism that's misinterpretation of Nietzsche all over this webnovel. Trim the edge. Hoshino doesn’t need to be a prodigy, soulless, emotionally detached, betrayed, and orphaned. Choose one or two flaws and weave them into his character naturally. Showing subtle, specific moments of pain or cynicism will create a more relatable, complex character. Less is more—one tragic flaw well-written is worth more than a dozen scattered buzzwords.

3. Dialogue is NOT realistic. Whatsoever.
Problem: The dialogue is self-conscious, as if it knows someone is reading it and embarrassed by it, overly expository (you could skip a lot of words and still come out to the same emotion), and reads like characters are delivering monologues for the audience, not having conversations. Hoshino’s indifference makes his lines dull, and cosmic beings sound like they’re reading from a script, and a bad one at that. Characters should speak like actual people. Show how they feel through subtext and reactions rather than explaining their emotions outright. Also, if Hoshino is truly apathetic, give him snarky, blunt dialogue rather than repetitive deadpan lines that all sound the same.

4. Information overload and unnecessary lore dumps.
Problem: The story suffers from constant infodumps. Sure, there's explanations of timelines, and breakdowns of multiverse mechanics that interrupt the story's flow. Most of this lore lacks context and urgency, so it makes me feel BORED rather than intrigued. Introduce information organically and as needed for the story. Avoid telling us everything at once; let readers uncover the lore through events and dialogue. Also, prioritize only the most relevant information to keep the pacing tight. Why on earth I need 20 different fates, if the MC already knows what he'll choose? It only clutters the webnovel with words that don't give me immersion OR wonder.

5. System.
It's a fucking joke, a parody of one if I ever saw one. The LitRPG elements (stats, skills, quests, systems) are not only overly complex but also suffer from needless repetition. Stats like “Mentality: -∞” feel like an edgy gimmick, and repeated death messages are exhausting rather than impactful. I just scrolled down instead of interacting with it mentally. I don't know how to even fix it, it's an abomination that either needs to be fixed by rewriting from the beginning (making it either consistent or streamlined, focused on one thing only) or just by removing it and making AN ACTUAL FATE THAT DOES THINGS AND MC FEELS IT, without fancy system windows.

6. Sentences themselves.
Sentences are bloated by filler words, redundant descriptions, and overly complex phrasing. Instead of adding depth, the verbosity drags down the pacing and makes scenes feel melodramatic, which I hate. Cut unnecessary adjectives and adverbs, and aim for clarity over complexity. Descriptions should serve the tone and atmosphere without becoming repetitive.

7. It's repetitive.
Sure, it's all about loops, but loops can be made well. Just read the "A Regressor’s Tale of Cultivation", and you'll see it done well. Not this crap. If loops and repetition are part of the story’s theme, each one should bring something new. Introduce variations in the cycle, new information, or a fresh perspective each time it resets. If a loop adds no value to MC’s character development, cut it out.

8. Hoshino is fucking aesthetic, not a human being.
There's no "human" in MC, His personality seems to be defined solely by his apathy and superiority complex, with little nuance or depth. Everything about him is “dark and edgy” but doesn’t reveal why he is this way. Humanize Hoshino. Show his vulnerability, even if it’s something he doesn’t acknowledge directly. Give him small, distinct traits beyond brooding so that readers can connect with him. Perhaps he has a hidden soft spot, a fear, or an awkward flaw. Make him more than just a tragic archetype by letting him have actual motivations and desires beyond vague nihilism.

9. GRAMMAR. Typos, wrong spellings, and general distaste for coherency. Did you proofread or passed through at least word error checker?

I dunno man, I give up. I could write more, but I just give up. It's bad, ARG levels of bad. At least those have meaning to the nonsense, however small, but this is angst purified, distilled, and passed through fragmentation and loss of grand narrative like a fine piece of postmodernism. Have a good night.

I think, I am NOT sure, that you didn't like the first three chapters of the story. It's only an inclination though...

On another note, what does ARG stand for?

 

[Deleted member 180663]

I've read 3 chapters, and I must say, it's a postmodernist dumpster fire. Hell, I can't even say it's postmodernist, because it veered off course when the "da systema" had appeared. I'll just list of inherent problems of this "webnovel" (or I should say ARG disguised as whatever hell this is really):

1. Inconsistent tone and genre identity.
Problem: This story doesn't know what it wants to be: LitRPG, cosmic horror, psychological thriller, tragic antihero tale, or dark fantasy. It’s trying to do all of these at once, but it ends up like a buffet where everything’s slathered in the same existentially bleak sauce (and particularly disgusting one, filled with coal instead of soy sauce). If it's the experiment on postmodernism, good job, you've ruined the postmodernism wanted to ruin the most, MEANING, with SSS+ score. Pick a primary genre and tone, then let other elements support it. If it’s a LitRPG, lean into game mechanics and make Hoshino’s “edginess” a comedic or tragic flaw. If it’s horror, drop the RPG stats and skill trees. Decide if readers are meant to empathize with or fear Hoshino, then adjust the tone accordingly. I don't feel that it's fucking tragedy, only ideas mashed together like it's some sort of literary Play-Doh. It's essentially genre-bending done wrong.

2. Excessive use of edgy tropes and overdone dark themes.
Problem: You have crammed every possible dark and brooding trope into Hoshino's character. From "apathetic prodigy" to "destined for genocide," he’s a walking sad-boy meme with a god complex and a tragic backstory so heavy-handed it’s almost self-parody. As if goth kid from 2008 had been in cryostasis for 16 years and then posted his stupid nihilism that's misinterpretation of Nietzsche all over this webnovel. Trim the edge. Hoshino doesn’t need to be a prodigy, soulless, emotionally detached, betrayed, and orphaned. Choose one or two flaws and weave them into his character naturally. Showing subtle, specific moments of pain or cynicism will create a more relatable, complex character. Less is more—one tragic flaw well-written is worth more than a dozen scattered buzzwords.

3. Dialogue is NOT realistic. Whatsoever.
Problem: The dialogue is self-conscious, as if it knows someone is reading it and embarrassed by it, overly expository (you could skip a lot of words and still come out to the same emotion), and reads like characters are delivering monologues for the audience, not having conversations. Hoshino’s indifference makes his lines dull, and cosmic beings sound like they’re reading from a script, and a bad one at that. Characters should speak like actual people. Show how they feel through subtext and reactions rather than explaining their emotions outright. Also, if Hoshino is truly apathetic, give him snarky, blunt dialogue rather than repetitive deadpan lines that all sound the same.

4. Information overload and unnecessary lore dumps.
Problem: The story suffers from constant infodumps. Sure, there's explanations of timelines, and breakdowns of multiverse mechanics that interrupt the story's flow. Most of this lore lacks context and urgency, so it makes me feel BORED rather than intrigued. Introduce information organically and as needed for the story. Avoid telling us everything at once; let readers uncover the lore through events and dialogue. Also, prioritize only the most relevant information to keep the pacing tight. Why on earth I need 20 different fates, if the MC already knows what he'll choose? It only clutters the webnovel with words that don't give me immersion OR wonder.

5. System.
It's a fucking joke, a parody of one if I ever saw one. The LitRPG elements (stats, skills, quests, systems) are not only overly complex but also suffer from needless repetition. Stats like “Mentality: -∞” feel like an edgy gimmick, and repeated death messages are exhausting rather than impactful. I just scrolled down instead of interacting with it mentally. I don't know how to even fix it, it's an abomination that either needs to be fixed by rewriting from the beginning (making it either consistent or streamlined, focused on one thing only) or just by removing it and making AN ACTUAL FATE THAT DOES THINGS AND MC FEELS IT, without fancy system windows.

6. Sentences themselves.
Sentences are bloated by filler words, redundant descriptions, and overly complex phrasing. Instead of adding depth, the verbosity drags down the pacing and makes scenes feel melodramatic, which I hate. Cut unnecessary adjectives and adverbs, and aim for clarity over complexity. Descriptions should serve the tone and atmosphere without becoming repetitive.

7. It's repetitive.
Sure, it's all about loops, but loops can be made well. Just read the "A Regressor’s Tale of Cultivation", and you'll see it done well. Not this crap. If loops and repetition are part of the story’s theme, each one should bring something new. Introduce variations in the cycle, new information, or a fresh perspective each time it resets. If a loop adds no value to MC’s character development, cut it out.

8. Hoshino is fucking aesthetic, not a human being.
There's no "human" in MC, His personality seems to be defined solely by his apathy and superiority complex, with little nuance or depth. Everything about him is “dark and edgy” but doesn’t reveal why he is this way. Humanize Hoshino. Show his vulnerability, even if it’s something he doesn’t acknowledge directly. Give him small, distinct traits beyond brooding so that readers can connect with him. Perhaps he has a hidden soft spot, a fear, or an awkward flaw. Make him more than just a tragic archetype by letting him have actual motivations and desires beyond vague nihilism.

9. GRAMMAR. Typos, wrong spellings, and general distaste for coherency. Did you proofread or passed through at least word error checker?

I dunno man, I give up. I could write more, but I just give up. It's bad, ARG levels of bad. At least those have meaning to the nonsense, however small, but this is angst purified, distilled, and passed through fragmentation and loss of grand narrative like a fine piece of postmodernism. Have a good night.

Chill Dude.
The system is only there because to make the interface easier.
I am only writing this for own amusement.
And won't even be expecting much for it.
The filler is well.....bruh there only one or two paragraph of filler.
Xd well i don't how to improve it to litrpg but the genre is tragedy.

 

[Tempokai]

Chill Dude.
The system is only there because to make the interface easier.
I am only writing this for own amusement.
And won't even be expecting much for it.
The filler is well.....bruh there only one or two paragraph of filler.
Xd well i don't how to improve it to litrpg but the genre is tragedy.

For yourself, huh? Then why spam the feedback forum? I mean, if it’s just a ‘for fun’ project, why desperately toss it out here three times like it’s some sort of deep philosophical masterpiece that the world simply must experience? Because here’s the thing: people who are genuinely writing ‘for themselves’ usually just, you know... write for themselves. They don’t lob it out into public forums fishing for praise, hidden behind the flimsiest ‘I don’t expect much’ shield.

See, here’s the difference between ‘writing for fun’ and ‘I’m pretending I don’t care while secretly begging for validation.’ If you truly didn’t expect anything, you wouldn’t be tripping over yourself to convince me that all these glaring issues are “just minor” or “for convenience.” This isn’t about fun or casual creation, and it’s not even about feedback — it’s about validation, and you’re so eager for it that you’ve resorted to spam as your delivery method.

The story’s flaws? Fine, you could address them. Or not, if you’re truly just enjoying the process. But don’t expect serious feedback and then swat it away with ‘it’s only a hobby.’ Either you want to improve, or you want to wallow in self-indulgence, but if you’re aiming for both, then save everyone the time and just write in a vacuum. Otherwise, own up to the fact that you’re seeking external validation and actually care about improving, or at least about hearing what readers have to say — even if it’s not the ego boost you were hoping for.

But hey, if you’re still not expecting much, why not try taking your fourth draft straight to the Royal Road comments section? You might find a warmer audience for the ‘XD’ defense.

 

[LoneQuack]

For yourself, huh? Then why spam the feedback forum? I mean, if it’s just a ‘for fun’ project, why desperately toss it out here three times like it’s some sort of deep philosophical masterpiece that the world simply must experience? Because here’s the thing: people who are genuinely writing ‘for themselves’ usually just, you know... write for themselves. They don’t lob it out into public forums fishing for praise, hidden behind the flimsiest ‘I don’t expect much’ shield.

See, here’s the difference between ‘writing for fun’ and ‘I’m pretending I don’t care while secretly begging for validation.’ If you truly didn’t expect anything, you wouldn’t be tripping over yourself to convince me that all these glaring issues are “just minor” or “for convenience.” This isn’t about fun or casual creation, and it’s not even about feedback — it’s about validation, and you’re so eager for it that you’ve resorted to spam as your delivery method.

The story’s flaws? Fine, you could address them. Or not, if you’re truly just enjoying the process. But don’t expect serious feedback and then swat it away with ‘it’s only a hobby.’ Either you want to improve, or you want to wallow in self-indulgence, but if you’re aiming for both, then save everyone the time and just write in a vacuum. Otherwise, own up to the fact that you’re seeking external validation and actually care about improving, or at least about hearing what readers have to say — even if it’s not the ego boost you were hoping for.

But hey, if you’re still not expecting much, why not try taking your fourth draft straight to the Royal Road comments section? You might find a warmer audience for the ‘XD’ defense.

Damn, you keep hammering ain't you? I don't want to step into this... walk?...write...? Fck it you know what I mean, but he might have just started writing out of passion and while he does it for himself he might want to genuinely improve. Idk him, you don't know him, hell most likely he doesn't know himself. But hey, reading this from an outside perspective is hilarious, so keep it up? I'm not sure... I wouldn't be happy to learn later the guy gave up on his project. I don't even know where I'm going with this... Oh right, you still didn't answer me, you dumbbell; what does ARG stand for?

 

[Deleted member 180663]

For yourself, huh? Then why spam the feedback forum? I mean, if it’s just a ‘for fun’ project, why desperately toss it out here three times like it’s some sort of deep philosophical masterpiece that the world simply must experience? Because here’s the thing: people who are genuinely writing ‘for themselves’ usually just, you know... write for themselves. They don’t lob it out into public forums fishing for praise, hidden behind the flimsiest ‘I don’t expect much’ shield.

See, here’s the difference between ‘writing for fun’ and ‘I’m pretending I don’t care while secretly begging for validation.’ If you truly didn’t expect anything, you wouldn’t be tripping over yourself to convince me that all these glaring issues are “just minor” or “for convenience.” This isn’t about fun or casual creation, and it’s not even about feedback — it’s about validation, and you’re so eager for it that you’ve resorted to spam as your delivery method.

The story’s flaws? Fine, you could address them. Or not, if you’re truly just enjoying the process. But don’t expect serious feedback and then swat it away with ‘it’s only a hobby.’ Either you want to improve, or you want to wallow in self-indulgence, but if you’re aiming for both, then save everyone the time and just write in a vacuum. Otherwise, own up to the fact that you’re seeking external validation and actually care about improving, or at least about hearing what readers have to say — even if it’s not the ego boost you were hoping for.

But hey, if you’re still not expecting much, why not try taking your fourth draft straight to the Royal Road comments section? You might find a warmer audience for the ‘XD’ defense.

......... Ok I “spam” forms to get only replies to be honest.
.... And I don't ev— ok enough no more arguing.....
YOU ARE RIGHT MASTER!.....
But ego??????? the hell. What thr hell i am suppose to do with ego, first of all i don't care about ego. I don't even have confidence. I am just a nihilistic person.
And thanks for the review i guess, I appreciate it.

Damn, you keep hammering ain't you? I don't want to step into this... walk?...write...? Fck it you know what I mean, but he might have just started writing out of passion and while he does it for himself he might want to genuinely improve. Idk him, you don't know him, hell most likely he doesn't know himself. But hey, reading this from an outside perspective is hilarious, so keep it up? I'm not sure... I wouldn't be happy to learn later the guy gave up on his project. I don't even know where I'm going with this... Oh right, you still didn't answer me, you dumbbell; what does ARG stand for?

Arg stand for alternative reality game.
Just searched it.

 

[Tempokai]

Damn, you keep hammering ain't you? I don't want to step into this... walk?...write...? Fck it you know what I mean, but he might have just started writing out of passion and while he does it for himself he might want to genuinely improve. Idk him, you don't know him, hell most likely he doesn't know himself. But hey, reading this from an outside perspective is hilarious, so keep it up? I'm not sure... I wouldn't be happy to learn later the guy gave up on his project. I don't even know where I'm going with this... Oh right, you still didn't answer me, you dumbbell; what does ARG stand for?

Oh, look who’s chimed in, the self-appointed philosopher-therapist. You’re right; it’s entirely possible the author’s here fueled by genuine passion… and a heaping side of chaotic ambition. Maybe they don’t know themselves or their true intent, just as you said, as if each draft they post is a step in the grand search for meaning. And yes, this back-and-forth is all very hilarious to observe from the sidelines, especially when I’m the one doing the roasting.

But I’ll let you in on something: a little heat in the feedback kitchen doesn’t burn down a project. The author’s asking for the hard truth — so if they find themselves in the crossfire of spicy critique, maybe they’ll end up learning to separate the important stuff from the fluff. Meanwhile, there’s no need to summon the ego-police just yet, alright? And, for the record, ARG stands for Alternate Reality Game. I had "vibes" going on this “for fun” story that it was secretly was some kind of meta, puzzle-laden, fourth-wall-breaking experience, but without puzzles and coherency.

And thanks for the review i guess, I appreciate it.

No problems, just try to understand what you want to write about. Currently this is a dumpster fire, but it's your dumpster fire. I just pointed out what's wrong with it. The fact that you came back and actually considered the criticism? Respect for that, most people would just rage-quit or double down on their excuses. Ego or no ego, confidence or none, it takes guts to take feedback this blunt and still say "thanks." So props for that. Anyway, good luck, just don’t let the "I’m doing this for myself" bit fool you into not doing it well.