Could I get some feedback on my first chapter?

[Mugong]

I haven't gotten feedback on my writing before and thought it would be good to see where my mistakes are.

A Practical Guide to Dying | Scribble Hub

 

[Admirers_Quill]

I read your prologue. Hmm. It seems interesting, but you spoiled the surprise by mentioning the undying part. I think you can write it more intellectually or give a vague direction. Also, expand a bit on the World. Like what type of world are you building? Give one or two lines about that.
Anyway, mine is not any better. So take this advice, with a pinch of salt.

Also if you have time, please check out my story as well.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1137055/naruto--true-world/

 

[Mugong]

I read your prologue. Hmm. It seems interesting, but you spoiled the surprise by mentioning the undying part. I think you can write it more intellectually or give a vague direction. Also, expand a bit on the World. Like what type of world are you building? Give one or two lines about that.
Anyway, mine is not any better. So take this advice, with a pinch of salt.

Also if you have time, please check out my story as well.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1137055/naruto--true-world/

Ah that makes sense. Thank you, I didn't think about the worldbuilding I needed to provide with the introduction. By surprise, do you mean Oracelus seeing the past regressions? Just asking because I hadn't intentionally written any 'suprise' elements. Thank you for the advice again.

Sure, I'll check your story out.

 

[beast_regards]

In my humble opinion, you used the prologue incorrectly and only encourage readers to skip it. Not because it's necessarily badly written, but because what you wrote is not a prologue. It's the first chapter in the story told in non-chronological order.

 

[RileyMarino]

Well, your writing is good and technically polished. I think the prologue is probably longer than it needs to be and you might have a higher impact with something more punchy. It starts off strong, but does get a little exposition-y toward the end. Also I'm not really sure about the [redacted] thing. Is that to add mystery? I think, given that the reader knows nothing at all at this point, there's no harm putting a name/description on it instead. One assumes we won't be back her for a while anyway, given that the next chapter is off elsewhere.

I personally think "Those 5 minutes would perhaps decide the fate of this world." might be a stronger last sentence than "Certainly, my fate had been determined," which is definitely (IMO) a stronger last sentence than "I wondered about the expression on my face." The latter has no punch, and 'certainly, my fate had been determined' carries a 'why bother reading, then?'. I'd nix both of those and stop two lines earlier.

I read your next chapter, too. As I said above, your writing is polished and you've clearly put some time and effort in. Looking forward to seeing how the story progresses. Regarding your question at the end of chapter one, I would absolutely recommend more frequent (shorter) updates than fewer (longer) updates.

Hope that all helps :)

 

[Mugong]

Well, your writing is good and technically polished. I think the prologue is probably longer than it needs to be and you might have a higher impact with something more punchy. It starts off strong, but does get a little exposition-y toward the end. Also I'm not really sure about the [redacted] thing. Is that to add mystery? I think, given that the reader knows nothing at all at this point, there's no harm putting a name/description on it instead. One assumes we won't be back her for a while anyway, given that the next chapter is off elsewhere.

I personally think "Those 5 minutes would perhaps decide the fate of this world." might be a stronger last sentence than "Certainly, my fate had been determined," which is definitely (IMO) a stronger last sentence than "I wondered about the expression on my face." The latter has no punch, and 'certainly, my fate had been determined' carries a 'why bother reading, then?'. I'd nix both of those and stop two lines earlier.

I read your next chapter, too. As I said above, your writing is polished and you've clearly put some time and effort in. Looking forward to seeing how the story progresses. Regarding your question at the end of chapter one, I would absolutely recommend more frequent (shorter) updates than fewer (longer) updates.

Hope that all helps :)

Thank you so much for the detailed feedback. The [Redacted] actually wasn't for mystery, it's just the [Outer Gods]. I had thought by showing Frondeir think of them and have his mind attacked, it could be inferred that you had to think of them as [Redacted] to stay safe but looking back it's a bit too much to ask readers for when the story is just being introduced.

I'll tweak the final lines as you said. Once again, thank you!

In my humble opinion, you used the prologue incorrectly and only encourage readers to skip it. Not because it's necessarily badly written, but because what you wrote is not a prologue. It's the first chapter in the story told in non-chronological order.

Ah, that makes sense. I had been inspired by a story that did a similar thing, but I guess we were both wrong T-T. Thank you for the advice, I think I'll change the title name to Chapter 1.

 

[beast_regards]

For a record though ...

The prologue is NOT a spoiler chapter.

That is a misconception.

Prologue is, or at least, should be, a short story within the story designed to provide the greater context or additional information for the novel as a whole. It should not introduce the protagonist. In fact, it should not include the protagonist at all.

Ever watched Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings. Remember the first scene in the movie, where Isildur cuts off Sauron's ring finger, but fails to destroy the One Ring?

That part is a prologue. Not necessarily in the original novel, original Tolkien's book, that's structured differently, and it's not important for the explanation. Just think of the movie.

That scene at the start, with Elrond and Isildur, and defeat of Sauron, is a prologue. It provides context for the story, but does not involve the protagonist in any way. Only for the ring past, Sauron, etc. it is vital for the story, but it is not introduction of the protagonist.

A chapter one would be the part with Gandalf arriving to the hobbit village. It introduces the protagonist. By the time Gandalf figures out the ring is actually the One, and urges Frodo to leave the village, the hypothetical chapter ends, because the conflict and the protagonist are introduced. At least, it would be if the Lord of the Ring was a web novel.

 

[Mugong]

For a record though ...

The prologue is NOT a spoiler chapter.

That is a misconception.

Prologue is, or at least, should be, a short story within the story designed to provide the greater context or additional information for the novel as a whole. It should not introduce the protagonist. In fact, it should not include the protagonist at all.

Ever watched Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings. Remember the first scene in the movie, where Isildur cuts off Sauron's ring finger, but fails to destroy the One Ring?

That part is a prologue. Not necessarily in the original novel, original Tolkien's book, that's structured differently, and it's not important for the explanation. Just think of the movie.

That scene at the start, with Elrond and Isildur, and defeat of Sauron, is a prologue. It provides context for the story, but does not involve the protagonist in any way. Only for the ring past, Sauron, etc. it is vital for the story, but it is not introduction of the protagonist.

A chapter one would be the part with Gandalf arriving to the hobbit village. It introduces the protagonist. By the time Gandalf figures out the ring is actually the One, and urges Frodo to leave the village, the hypothetical chapter ends, because the conflict and the protagonist are introduced. At least, it would be if the Lord of the Ring was a web novel.

Ah, I think I get it? So its moreso showing something away from the main plot line that still is impacting the story later on? Great analogy by the way, I'm someone who hasn't even watched nor read Lord of the rings but still could pick up what you're trying to say(I hope).

I've also realised I may have been too vague in my writing---neither characters in that chapter were the main characters.

 

[beast_regards]

Ah, I think I get it? So its moreso showing something away from the main plot line that still is impacting the story later on? Great analogy by the way, I'm someone who hasn't even watched nor read Lord of the rings but still could pick up what you're trying to say(I hope).

There are countless writing lessons made on the subject of writing the first chapter. They are annoying as hell, or usually, the people who give them are annoying as hell, so I won't cite you.

The prologue is something along the lines ...

I want my first chapter to be something that happened a thousand years before the protagonist was born!

.... or...

I want my first chapter from the perspective of the antagonist ...

(some side characters, parents, etc. also apply)

... and so on. If that's your case, you didn't write the first chapter; you wrote a prologue. Prologue is, or should be, something necessary to understand the plot earlier, to paint the greater picture, or as Wikipedia says it "gives background details, often some earlier story that ties into the main one, and other miscellaneous information".

They shouldn't be skipped, IMHO. However, they are often skipped, 90% readers on site like this skip prologue because of the misconception that prologue is a spoiler, a trailer. They are wrong, and it leads to many readers abandoning the story because they won't understand the context they would have, and if you are reading the web novel, leaving is always easiest ...

Perspective of the multiple characters is fine. Many do it, I tried that myself. If so, ones in the prologue rarely play a major role in the plot, and only appear in passing, or are already gone.

 

[Mugong]

They shouldn't be skipped, IMHO. However, they are often skipped, 90% readers on site like this skip prologue because of the misconception that prologue is a spoiler, a trailer. They are wrong, and it leads to many readers abandoning the story because they won't understand the context they would have, and if you are reading the web novel, leaving is always easiest ...

That's a bias I never knew existed, haha. Me personally I always enjoy the rare prologue, but I can also see why that perception exists when you say it like that. I've read a few spoiler prologue but never minded them thinking the author would do something unique with it.

... and so on. If that's your case, you didn't write the first chapter; you wrote a prologue. Prologue is, or should be, something necessary to understand the plot earlier, to paint the greater picture, or as Wikipedia says it "gives background details, often some earlier story that ties into the main one, and other miscellaneous information".

I think that last sentence is the one I can grasp best. A small, single chapter story that provides the reader with knowledge that will help the understand the main plot better.

 

[beast_regards]

I think that last sentence is the one I can grasp best. A small, single chapter story that provides the reader with knowledge that will help the understand the main plot better.

Wikipedia explains it better, I admit.

 

[Tempokai]

Alright, I read the first chapter. This story has potential (if you don't compare with other regressor stories, they pop up seasonally like mushrooms in autumn), but the density of concepts and the overly grandiose tone makes the reader (or at least, me) exhausted.

Grammar is technically correct, but it suffers from being too polished AND highbrow. It's slog to just read it, I feel like reading some Sartre instead of a webnovel. I'd say to trim the hell out of these sentences, make them variable in length (they're too dense, which makes the brain tire more, and it's bad for a dummy readers), reduce adverbs as they slow down the pace, and make it punchy, because your text isn't brutal enough.

The chapter opens with drama and violence, which is fine, but it stays in that mode for too long without giving the reader a moment to breathe, which makes it disorienting (which is good for eldritch stuff, but when done sparingly), making reading it mentally exhaustive. Break up dense passages with clear transitions. Give the reader a second to adjust to each new visual or emotional shift. A line or two of grounding exposition (or maybe even a sensory description that isn’t blood-related) could help orient readers in the scene. Vary sentence length (again, it's important enough for ProWritingAid to have it as a thing).

Protagonist is EDGY AF. Here's the issue: he's talking like he's reading his own character description half the time. Lines like "I, the Regressor of the End, was not someone who could be killed in such a simple manner", sound like introduction of typical trash CN xianxia character rather than fantasy character. It’s as if he’s so self-aware he’s one grim self-reflection away from breaking the fourth wall. Show, don’t tell. Let Frondeir’s actions convey his bleak immortality and exhaustion instead of outright stating it every time he speaks. Maybe instead of a grandiose internal monologue about his undying nature, he could make an offhand, bitter joke or show irritation over needing to regenerate again. Subtle hints would add depth. Right now, Frondeir is one-dimensional. There's only edgy side shown, not any other. Even anti-heroes benefit from moments of vulnerability or doubt that feel raw rather than performative. One softer moment of doubt or fleeting sympathy would make the endless, jaded monologue hit harder.

Pacing is too fast. There's a lot in this opening chapter. Blood, gore, cosmic horror, an apocalypse, a magic system, and not-so-subtle hints about past lives and time loops, every one of high-stakes elements, and typical reader (who doesn't consume in average 30 webnovels a month) is being asked to digest them all in one go. As a reader, I feel like I’ve just sprinted through 10 different genres at once, which can work if readers are genre savvy enough, but not all of them are. Pick one or two key concepts to introduce in the first chapter. Give readers time to digest the stakes of one major conflict, rather than piling on time loops, eldritch horrors, and cosmic mind-control all at once. Space out your reveals. Instead of info-dumping “Northern Star that does not falter” and “Regressor of the End” and “Gods from Outside” in rapid succession, let these elements emerge naturally through dialogue or subtle narration over time. Readers like mystery, but they don’t need a cryptic noun every five sentences to stay engaged.

Tone is grimdark, but with no contrast to that grimdark to elevate it to something good. I get it—death is inevitable, life’s a joke, gods are cruel, yadda yadda. But without any contrast, the bleakness loses impact. Give a reader moments of levity or even mundane irritation to contrast the cosmic despair. It's good that you have consistency, but sometimes it's too much.

And the last, mystery. Look, we all love a good eldritch mystery, but [Redacted] is not it. Slapping brackets around your horror is the literary equivalent of going, “I know something you don’t know!” It’s lazy and grating. Instead of hiding things with placeholders, hint at the unknown through unsettling details or character reactions. Show how thinking about the unknown impacts your protagonist. And give a reader a concrete detail or two so it doesn’t feel like you’re stalling for no reason.

TLDR: there's a good bone structure, but there's no flesh, because it's trying to shove everything into first chapter. I'd recommend to streamline your ideas and explore them gradually, not throwing them like spices into the supper broth (1st chapter) like there's no tomorrow. I hope this will help you.

 

[Mugong]

First of all, appreciate the in depth advice.

The chapter opens with drama and violence, which is fine, but it stays in that mode for too long without giving the reader a moment to breathe, which makes it disorienting (which is good for eldritch stuff, but when done sparingly), making reading it mentally exhaustive.

I can see what you mean. From the time the chapter starts, there isn't a moment where something 'major' isn't happening. And, when you mention it, my descriptions of the actual surrounding were definitely lacking.

Protagonist is EDGY AF.

Was he really that edgy, to deserve an AF, haha? He wasn't a character I was thinking of making 'angry' or angsty. You said it yourself- Annoyingly performative was the vibe I was going for with his character because. A theatrical character. But you pointing it out also makes me see the mistake I made. There's no point of me knowing it's a performance if the readers don't know.
The 'fourth wall' breaking thing too was also sort of intended for future points. Again, no point of doing these things if the reader can't at least get a clue of it being intentional. Thank you for pointing this out, I feel as though this is a really common mistake for me.

Pacing is too fast.

Yeah, looking at like that I think there are way too many 'cryptic nouns' that don't really mean anything to the readers. Though, the fact of past lives really wasn't something I intended to be a secret. I'm pretty sure it's stated explicitly, no hinting being used. To be honest, I thought it'd be better to reveal the main aspects of the story from the start but it does seem a little overwhelming.

Tone is grimdark, but with no contrast to that grimdark to elevate it to something good. I get it—death is inevitable, life’s a joke, gods are cruel, yadda yadda. But without any contrast, the bleakness loses impact. Give a reader moments of levity or even mundane irritation to contrast the cosmic despair. It's good that you have consistency, but sometimes it's too much.

I don't think the chapter has any larping monologues about life and death? I tried to stay clear from that lane of writing since most of the time, the execution always flops but maybe I wrote it in. And for the gods, they were only mentioned once I think? Just a statement saying they were dead. But definitely, I agree with the point you're saying. Think it ties up with the point on the mc having only the dimension of grimdark. Should probably add a different scene that relaxes both the setting and mc.

And the last, mystery. Look, we all love a good eldritch mystery, but [Redacted] is not it. Slapping brackets around your horror is the literary equivalent of going, “I know something you don’t know!” It’s lazy and grating. Instead of hiding things with placeholders, hint at the unknown through unsettling details or character reactions. Show how thinking about the unknown impacts your protagonist.

The [Redacted] really is a misunderstanding T-T. Another person mentioned which clearly tells me that I executed it very poorly.
It was just representing the Outer Gods. I previously thought by showing Frondeir think of the Outer Gods and have his mind attacked, it could be inferred you shouldn't think of then directly but I realise it's probably asking too much and changed it to have a paragraph explaining what the Redacted are.

Overall, thank you so much for the in depth advice. I think I can take a few things that apply to my general writing with this, not just the chapter.