This scene is missing something, what suggestions do you have?

[ElijahRyne]

Just finished writing this scene, but feel as if it is missing something:

———
A hand grabbed my shoulder.

“Remember Jake, we are meeting in the cafeteria at eight in the morning.” My dad whispered before laughing and patting my back. “Don’t be too late, we won’t miss Wen’s concert for you, lazy bones!” He said as he walked back to room 308.

I unlocked and entered my hotel room. I took off my shoes, set an alarm on my phone, and fell onto the bed. Sleep claimed me as dreams fell from the sky.

My mom was there in that dream, she was driving a car. Dad was in the passenger seat, and he looked five years younger. We entered our home driveway, and then our house, before I rushed off to bed. There in my windowsill stood a human faced frog. It knocked and knocked and knocked its bald head against my window. I stared at it as the knocking increased in frequency.

Gradually my awareness returned. I was fully awake, yet the knocking continued. I looked at the hotel window covered in blinds. A dull knocking noise sounded out from the bottom right corner of the window. I hesitated before tiptoeing over to the left side and gently sliding down a blind to attempt to see what was making the noise. Yet, the noise continued and there was nothing in sight. I pulled up the blinds, my impatience overtaking my fear. It was my mother, the tree outside my window had pierced her stomach and was bashing her head against the window.

*Ring Ring Ring*

*Ring Ring Ring*

*Ring Ring Ring*

I jumped out of my bed, grabbed my phone and opened the blinds to my room. There was no tree, only a parking lot. I sighed how long has it been since mom disappeared? I know it was two years ago, but why does it feel like yesterday?

———

Sugestions?
(P.S. the reason you ‘hear‘ the ringing and not the knocking is to differentiate reality from sleep.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

There is an odd ... stiffness, I think, to it that makes the surreal elements far more striking but "flattens" what appear to be the "awake" moments. Not sure how to say it more clearly than that. It is not BAD, really, just ... off a bit but I suspect we are both in the same boat about figuring out exactly what IS off about it.
Have you tried reading it out loud to see how it all sounds to you?

 

[ElijahRyne]

Have you tried reading it out loud to see how it all sounds to you?

Always use text to speech, yeah.

 

[BernKatstel]

Pacing feels extremely off to me? We go from a single spoken sentence to sleeping, into a nightmare, and then waking up again—all in too short a span of time. Apart from that, I wouldn’t just say the dad “looked five years younger.” Not when we don’t even know his age in the first place. I’d also show it by mentioning some noticeable details like his hair, beard, eyes, etc.

Would have fondly described the mother’s appearance as well, or given her some of relevant action or detail outside of just driving the car to show the MC’s impression of her before the spooky reveal.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Always use text to speech, yeah.

Ah - well, you have better results with that than what my wife gets (but she's only doing text messages and nursing notes)... But sometimes it "hears" things wrong or misses words and reading it BACK after will catch a lot of that.
Though I do thing BernKatstel hit the nail on the head - the pacing and level of detail are probably what make the whole feel just a bit off.

 

[RedMuffin]

It doesn't feel right, it's supposed to bring a sense of mystery, horror and anxiety, but it failed to get the feeling across, it lacks details in my opinion as a reader.

I think what its missing is the emotional turmoil of the character.

 

[LoneQuack]

Alright, off I go.

There's a lot of work to be done here.

First and foremost, emotional depth or rather, lack of. There is not a single indication of emotion. Not from the narrator and neither from his father.
Especially at the beginning where the entire interaction feels mechanical. It could carry so much more weight if the protagonist had some emotional response or internal reflection. It could even be something subtle like a small chuckle in response, but right now, it just moves through the motions.

Even more glaring is the nightmare sequence when the mother appears impaled by a tree and bashing her head. I'd be sweating bullets of I saw my own mother in such a state, my legs would probably give out too. This is an image that should evoke panic, dread, confusion, or at least some physical reaction (racing heartbeat, adrenaline, cold sweat, etc.). What about your character? There is neither an external or internal reaction.

Then comes transitioning.

The difference between dream and reality are unclear, which causes confusion for the reader. When he wakes up, there's no immediate sign that he's fully awake until the ringing. This could be intentional to keep the reader on edge, but without strong indicators of emotional reactions or sensory details, it becomes hard to follow.

You mentioned that you hear the ringing to mark reality, and I swear to god if I missed the remark on the end, I couldn't have guessed. That's a problem because you can't hold every readers hand, or at least you can make clear indications before the chapter begins that X symbol is for Y,etc.

Dream Imagery

I got interested on the human-faced frog as it was bizarre and unsettling, but there's no further elaboration or reaction from the protagonist, which makes it feel less impactful. You present me something interesting, but don't follow it up basically. Why does the frog matter? Could it symbolize something or evoke a stronger reaction from the character?

Lastly, pacing.

It moves too quickly and pauses too abruptly. From the hotel scene to the dream and back to waking life, there is no room for any atmospheric buildup. Slowing down to provide more sensory details (smells, sounds, physical sensations) could make the transitions smoother and more impactful.



Now, allow me to make some small adjustments:

Spoiler: Rewrite

A hand grabbed my shoulder.

“Remember Jake, we’re meeting in the cafeteria at eight sharp.” My dad’s voice was soft but firm. He chuckled, giving my shoulder a light pat. “Don’t be late, or we’ll leave you behind. Wen’s concert won’t wait for lazy bones!”

I forced a smile as he walked away, disappearing into the dim corridor toward room 308. The heavy hotel door clicked shut behind me. The silence felt suffocating.

I kicked off my shoes, the cool air of the room prickling my skin. My phone’s screen glowed as I set the alarm, my fingers feeling heavy. I collapsed onto the bed, my body sinking into the mattress like dead weight. Sleep overtook me in waves.

The dream came fast.

I was in the back seat of the car. Mom was driving, her hands gripping the wheel tight. Dad sat next to her, his face younger, smiling like everything was fine. We turned into the driveway, and I could smell home—faintly, like I was a ghost in the scene. I rushed upstairs, only to freeze when I saw the window.

A frog. A frog with a human face. Its glassy eyes blinked at me, then it began to knock, its bald head thudding against the glass. The sound echoed, louder and louder. Knock. Knock. Knock. Each hit made my skin crawl.

Then, the knocking wasn’t from the window.

I turned, my stomach twisting. Mom stood outside, her body pressed against the glass. A tree had pierced her torso, blood staining her shirt. Her head thudded against the window. Over and over. Knock. Knock.

Ring Ring Ring

Ring Ring Ring

I shot up, heart racing. The phone’s ringtone pierced through the haze, dragging me back to reality. My breath came in shallow gasps. The blinds in the room were drawn, but through the crack, I saw only the parking lot outside.

Just a dream. Just a dream.

But the pounding in my chest wouldn’t slow down.



Alright I made a few more changes than intended and a little less back and forth with reality, but tried to stay as close to the original as possible. Of course, there is plenty room for this to grow, but I think I showcased what I meant relatively good.