This feels like a middle chapter so I'm going to assume some things were set up before - the teleportation crystal kinda came out of nowhere, for example. And the explanation of the powers is like he's used them before.
This is all nitpicky. I'm not a litRPG person but in general it flows fine, the writing's solid, the dialogue mostly hits the notes, and it's not terribly bogged down in anything.
Overall it's flowing decently, but there's moments where I don't think the tone is hitting, in part due to word choice. If you're looking for like, idk, something like Kamen Rider, I'd wonder if it'd be better to be self-serious about it.
Holding back the urge to laugh, Immersa let the guy have the next crumb of information.
Like, here "the guy" just doesn't quite work? I get not wanting to drop a pronoun there so maybe something like "her quarry" or whatever to make it more overly melodramatic?
I feel it's also a bit glossed over in the battle sequences. This feels like it should be a moment to really highlight differences in technique but it's just "he hits, she blocks."
The first strike was quite effective, but Jane somehow sensed the next several, and used her dagger blades to block nearly all of them.
Take that same depth you have in the magic attacks to the physical ones!
I didn't catch anything grammatical but there were word choices:
p4 pp5 - "Creshendo" -> Crescendo
p5 pp2 - "behind" -> being
p10 pp6 - "cocky look of" -> "cocky look off"
p17 pp7 - "my versatile solder" -> "my versatile soldier"
