Draft Feedback: Short Prologue

[Arch9CivilReactor]

I’m not gonna go into any detail on the story since I believe the prologue should be able to intrigue even without context of a synopsis. Just want to know if this prologue is interesting enough and doesn’t have fatal flaws I failed to notice. Just a work I’ll be posting on RR.

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Prologue: Failure Of A Protector



I shouldn’t have said that.

“STOP! Stop risking yourself like this! Can’t you act a bit ‘normal’ for once in your life?!” I told the person I’d admired the most. She didn’t heed my words. A stubborn girl that would throw her life away for someone else. It was the last thing I’d said to her.

That day, I lost my arm… and she lost her life.

If only I didn’t speak.

This wretched mouth of mine.

If only I didn’t tell her stop being a hero.

Maybe then I wouldn’t be so burdened by her ghost.

Rina haunted me forever. Her death casted a deep shadow on my heart. I spent my days trying to find any way to bring her back. Fighting the immortal nemesis that savoured her death, and trying to find any way of saving the ‘normal life’ of the innocents.

Giving up my own as a trade off.

I didn’t need a normal life without her. My friend deserved better. She deserved to live without being scared of her secret identity being revealed. If only she had comrades. Maybe that way she wouldn’t have been in so much danger while she was active.

By the time new ‘Magical Girls’ arose, it was too late.

They would never know they had a predecessor.

Someone who bravely paved the way for them in the city’s darkest hour. Her dazzling and heroic strength wasn’t of combat prowess. It was in the scars that had mired her body from taking hits everyday. Using her thin and feminine arms to carry a heavy burden.

I should have trained earlier.

If only I’d been born into an exorcist family. Maybe then no one would’ve died. She wouldn’t have tried to protect me when I butted into this battle that was way out of my league… All these thoughts were just useless regrets. I couldn’t do anything to fix my past.

The only thing I want is just…

“What’ya thinking about now, cur?” My friend’s most hated nemesis looked at me while licking his lips. Steel-like fur and crimson eyes showed he was no normal ‘werewolf’. His powers on another level compared to the clan that followed him around.

Despite this, he was limping closer to bite at me.

I stepped away faster than one would expect. There was a trained posture to my body and elaborateness to my footwork. Not even the hyperactive and speedy animal before me could catch me. His movements becoming dull the more he moved around like this.

“Hehe… HAHAHA~” I couldn’t help but laugh.

The crazy wolf man tripped over and fell. Blood was dripping from his mouth and ears. He was probably unable to believe he’d die like this. Being poisoned after sadistically devouring the only arm I had left. A look of fear in his eyes and unwillingness to die.

“I can’t die like this… Cur, you cannot have this victory. I’m the heir of the Bloodlust Clan. I, their great and honoured ‘Alpha’, will curse your blood for eternity. Curse that everything you love with share my fate!” He spoke his final words in agonising pain.

‘Wolfsbane’ of such intense purity does that.

He shouldn’t have carelessly ate my body. I had been having a diet of consistently this poison just for this very day. Despite looking like an immortal, it now seemed clear that I was merely weak in the past. Not even being able to see how pathetic this animal was.

“Everything I love is dead.” My words struck him.

My dark smile holding the countless curses I’d been holding for a while. My parents died because of these damn ‘Werewolves’. My friend was eaten. Those who had protected the boundary between ‘this world’ and the mundane had been erased. I failed her final wish.

My friend is going to be disappointed when I see her.

“You, cur… You are a pitiful sight. I’ll see you in Hell after this. Maybe then we’ll be friends.” The crazy bastard seemed to sympathise with me before he had passed. I felt an intense wave of hatred… but he was already dead. His eyes no longer held any liveliness.

…Now what?

Before I knew it, I’d laid flat under the starry sky.

The grass was my only companion under the moon.

Its rays no longer favouring his steel-like foe.

My friend’s nemesis faded until he was a stone.

His glistening and shiny fur lost their lustre under the moonlight. That mysterious power that covered him was gone. Becoming no different from a blade of grass or dirt on the street. This phenomenon easing the small doubts I’d had about if he had really died.

Was it really this easy?

Why didn’t I use this strategy years ago?

No, what was the point in thinking that? There was no longer any reason to feel any attachments. My last regret was gone. I’d avenged my friend. This likely wouldn’t save the world or help anyone, but seeing him die made me feel at least a little better.

All that was left was for me to die along with him.

My pointlessly tough life force was still holding on.

It was in this relaxed moment before my end did a man holding a shining golden spear appear. He wore a helmet, but his body was not fitted with armour or medieval garbs. Instead, he was wearing a black suit as if coming here to mourn my death.

Was he a grim reaper?

The man stepped on the grass and made a path in my direction. I could feel my life slipping away with every blink. Unknowing who was this person or why they were dressed like that. Not that it mattered. I’d be dead regardless if that spear stabbed into me.

“Do you want to live?” The strange man asked me.

“…” I didn’t bother responding.

“What if I said you can go back in time? Make it so all of this never happened? You can be given a second chance to change everything.” It was such a seedy and conniving voice coming from behind that helmet. Maybe this was a devil trying to trick me.

“What do you want?” I asked the price.

Humouring the mysterious person.

“Your ‘identity’. I want to be you.” It was so funny.

“Heh~ You want to be me? I’m sorry if you think I’ve got some special background. I’m not some heir to a big family or unique existence. I’m just a guy. You still want my ‘identity’?” My voice was filled with hatred and self-mockery. This was a big joke.

“You have no idea how precious your ‘normal life’ is to me. If you don’t want it, then give it to me!” Even though I was on my last breaths, it didn’t seem like this guy would leave me be. Picking me up from the colour and raising his voice. His face was serious.

He really wanted to be ‘normal’ like I was?

Why…?

“Deal.” My words made him stop his manhandling.

Frozen at the ease I had let go of something so useless.

“I hope one day you will understand what you just lost tonight.” The man spoke without ever having taken that helmet off. The world seemed to distort in my eyes. My vision becoming blurry. It was probably my time. I closed my eyes to savour this tranquility.

My heart stopped thumping.


Suddenly, someone turned on the lights around me.

Was the big ball in the sky somehow ‘ignited’?

I opened my eyes to see that everything changed.

There was no moonlight or grassy field. Only the coldness of steel binding my wrists to a chair. Chains were wrapped around me. The glaring artificial lights made it hard to see, but I was sure that there was sensations in my two arms again. How? Why?

“Did he regain sanity?” Someone in a lab coat spoke while looking at me. Pushing up her glasses while writing something down. She spoke to someone next to her. The whole ‘team’ of people, who seemed to be experimenting on me, showed an overjoyed look.

I didn’t say anything. Simply looking at them with confusion in my eyes. Not understanding their gazes.

Was this really the past?

 

[CharlesEBrown]

It is a little hard to follow, in part because there are so many pronouns used without identifying names attached, or with the names appearing much later.

 

[Tempokai]

Too much angst for my liking in the prologue. It feels like nothing is said while everything is said. Pacing is too fast, no room to letting that sink in. Written good, but for epic prologue in media res it's written meh. You had not given me a reason to like the MC, even when he was losing, maybe due to fast pacing and ambiguity that doesn't help here. I probably wouldn't read further than this. Let the scene "breathe" and don't rush to conclusions, and improve clarity, by telling things.

And here's dummy AI's thoughts:

Spoiler

Ah, Arch9CivilReactor, you’ve taken the age-old trope of “I died and now I get to do it all over again” and added a delightful sprinkle of werewolves, magical girls, and a healthy dollop of existential brooding. Bold move. There’s plenty to unpack here, so I’ll offer you the loving critique every writer dreams of—comprehensive yet slightly soul-crushing.

First Impressions: Ah, we start with some solid self-loathing, always a good hook in a prologue. Nothing says “I’m a complex character” like immediate regret and blaming your mouth for your best friend's tragic death. But then it’s promptly followed by—you guessed it—an action sequence that feels like it walked out of a “How to Write Dark Fantasy” manual. Werewolves? Check. A tragic backstory? Check. Poisoning yourself slowly to avenge your friend by getting your own arm eaten? Extra edgy check. But there’s a sense that you’re trying to pack too much into these few words. It feels like you wanted to cram your novel’s worth of trauma and plot into a very tight space, and honestly, that space is gasping for air.

Let’s Dive Deeper:

1. Opening Line – “I shouldn’t have said that.” Ah, yes. A great start for an unreliable narrator… if only it weren’t followed by what feels like a rushed information dump. Sure, introspective regret can be a powerful tool, but you’ve basically kicked off with a cliff notes version of “Here’s why I’m messed up.” Have some faith in your readers—they can pick up on trauma without being spoon-fed lines like, “This wretched mouth of mine.” We get it. You're suffering.
2. Rina, The Dead Bestie: So, we’re left mourning Rina, but I barely know her beyond her penchant for recklessly throwing her life away like she’s got an endless supply of it. You tell us she’s heroic, but instead of letting me feel her importance, it’s all summarized into “She died, I feel bad, let’s move on to my edgy vengeance plot.” Show me how vital she was; maybe use flashbacks or subtle mentions to build her up instead of just mentioning her tragic end like a plot point checkbox.
3. The Nemesis – Werewolf of the Year: Oh boy. The hyperactive, steel-furred werewolf with a taste for devouring limbs. Kudos for not making him some cartoonish bad guy, but his “eating the poison arm” move? I mean, it’s the villain equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. You clearly intended for this moment to have weight, but instead, the werewolf keels over like a Looney Tunes character, leaving me wondering if he was supposed to be this laughably incompetent.
   Also, that dialogue: “I’m the heir of the Bloodlust Clan, you CUR.” It reads like something a Scooby-Doo villain would say. I know you’re going for dramatic flair, but this might be overkill. The antagonist shouldn’t feel like he’s just wandered off a theater stage after playing “Generic Evil Guy #2.”
4. The Magic Reset Button: Oh, here we go. Mysterious man with a golden spear shows up out of nowhere to offer the protagonist a reset. Classic. Yet somehow, this guy—despite being the harbinger of time-travel shenanigans—is kind of… boring? He shows up, offers a deal, and disappears with the same impact as a mild breeze. If this guy is central to your plot, he needs to feel important. Right now, he’s more of a plot device than a character.
5. Ending – Welcome to the Future! Or Is It the Past? The abrupt shift from starry sky to sterile lab is, admittedly, an interesting twist. But it raises more questions than intrigue. How did we get here? Why? Sure, you’ll answer those later, but a prologue’s job is to hook us with enough clarity to keep us invested, not throw readers into a “Wait, what the hell is going on?” situation. Ambiguity is fine—so long as it’s purposeful and controlled.

Final Thoughts: Your prologue has potential, I’ll give you that. It’s trying to be edgy, dark, and filled with brooding antihero energy, which is all well and good if done right. But right now, it’s like you threw a bunch of well-worn tropes into a blender and hit “high speed.” The result is more confusing than intriguing.

Take a step back. Do we need all of this information right now? Could you simplify the action to let us savor the emotional beats? Flesh out the characters—let Rina be more than a tragic ghost and the protagonist more than a grief-ridden punchline. And for the love of everything, give your villain some dignity in death. The poor werewolf died with less grace than a clumsy toddler.

Tighten up, slow down, and let your story breathe. You’re not on a deadline to hit every trope before the prologue ends.

 

[LoneQuack]

I'd say its disorientating. You open up with a tone of regret and half way through you throw us in the middle/ending of a fight with their only correlation being "he killed my friend." There are a lot of questions that need to be answered if you want me (or anyone for that matter) interested, but most of all, it seems like you tried to go with 'in medias res' without understanding it. You can't open this with a flashback because that's not a hook. The hook would be "final action (both stabbing one another for example) -> reminisce for getting revenge over the friend -> ground us back to the present -> end it with your twist. Note that all this put together is the hook, not the first arrow. However, here the first part is missing, and it feels like "reminisce for what happened -pause- present here after the fight -> end with the twist.

And also, what the deal with the quotation makes? You have two different uses here: 1 implying that his life isn't normal and 2 as if the word identity has a deeper meaning that what meets the eye. So which of the two are you actually using them for? And also, if he considers his life normal then there is no need for them in the first place, and if its not normal what is it then?

Lastly, with the closure are you asking me if its the past or not? Of course its not meant that way but the phrasal in that needs to change into something like "Did... Did I really go back in time?" or something similar. With my example he appears more puzzled than talking to the reader.

 

[Arch9CivilReactor]

Too much angst for my liking in the prologue. It feels like nothing is said while everything is said. Pacing is too fast, no room to letting that sink in. Written good, but for epic prologue in media res it's written meh. You had not given me a reason to like the MC, even when he was losing, maybe due to fast pacing and ambiguity that doesn't help here. I probably wouldn't read further than this. Let the scene "breathe" and don't rush to conclusions, and improve clarity, by telling things.

And here's dummy AI's thoughts:

Spoiler

Ah, Arch9CivilReactor, you’ve taken the age-old trope of “I died and now I get to do it all over again” and added a delightful sprinkle of werewolves, magical girls, and a healthy dollop of existential brooding. Bold move. There’s plenty to unpack here, so I’ll offer you the loving critique every writer dreams of—comprehensive yet slightly soul-crushing.

First Impressions: Ah, we start with some solid self-loathing, always a good hook in a prologue. Nothing says “I’m a complex character” like immediate regret and blaming your mouth for your best friend's tragic death. But then it’s promptly followed by—you guessed it—an action sequence that feels like it walked out of a “How to Write Dark Fantasy” manual. Werewolves? Check. A tragic backstory? Check. Poisoning yourself slowly to avenge your friend by getting your own arm eaten? Extra edgy check. But there’s a sense that you’re trying to pack too much into these few words. It feels like you wanted to cram your novel’s worth of trauma and plot into a very tight space, and honestly, that space is gasping for air.

Let’s Dive Deeper:

1. Opening Line – “I shouldn’t have said that.” Ah, yes. A great start for an unreliable narrator… if only it weren’t followed by what feels like a rushed information dump. Sure, introspective regret can be a powerful tool, but you’ve basically kicked off with a cliff notes version of “Here’s why I’m messed up.” Have some faith in your readers—they can pick up on trauma without being spoon-fed lines like, “This wretched mouth of mine.” We get it. You're suffering.
2. Rina, The Dead Bestie: So, we’re left mourning Rina, but I barely know her beyond her penchant for recklessly throwing her life away like she’s got an endless supply of it. You tell us she’s heroic, but instead of letting me feel her importance, it’s all summarized into “She died, I feel bad, let’s move on to my edgy vengeance plot.” Show me how vital she was; maybe use flashbacks or subtle mentions to build her up instead of just mentioning her tragic end like a plot point checkbox.
3. The Nemesis – Werewolf of the Year: Oh boy. The hyperactive, steel-furred werewolf with a taste for devouring limbs. Kudos for not making him some cartoonish bad guy, but his “eating the poison arm” move? I mean, it’s the villain equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. You clearly intended for this moment to have weight, but instead, the werewolf keels over like a Looney Tunes character, leaving me wondering if he was supposed to be this laughably incompetent.
   Also, that dialogue: “I’m the heir of the Bloodlust Clan, you CUR.” It reads like something a Scooby-Doo villain would say. I know you’re going for dramatic flair, but this might be overkill. The antagonist shouldn’t feel like he’s just wandered off a theater stage after playing “Generic Evil Guy #2.”
4. The Magic Reset Button: Oh, here we go. Mysterious man with a golden spear shows up out of nowhere to offer the protagonist a reset. Classic. Yet somehow, this guy—despite being the harbinger of time-travel shenanigans—is kind of… boring? He shows up, offers a deal, and disappears with the same impact as a mild breeze. If this guy is central to your plot, he needs to feel important. Right now, he’s more of a plot device than a character.
5. Ending – Welcome to the Future! Or Is It the Past? The abrupt shift from starry sky to sterile lab is, admittedly, an interesting twist. But it raises more questions than intrigue. How did we get here? Why? Sure, you’ll answer those later, but a prologue’s job is to hook us with enough clarity to keep us invested, not throw readers into a “Wait, what the hell is going on?” situation. Ambiguity is fine—so long as it’s purposeful and controlled.

Final Thoughts: Your prologue has potential, I’ll give you that. It’s trying to be edgy, dark, and filled with brooding antihero energy, which is all well and good if done right. But right now, it’s like you threw a bunch of well-worn tropes into a blender and hit “high speed.” The result is more confusing than intriguing.

Take a step back. Do we need all of this information right now? Could you simplify the action to let us savor the emotional beats? Flesh out the characters—let Rina be more than a tragic ghost and the protagonist more than a grief-ridden punchline. And for the love of everything, give your villain some dignity in death. The poor werewolf died with less grace than a clumsy toddler.

Tighten up, slow down, and let your story breathe. You’re not on a deadline to hit every trope before the prologue ends.

You ask a computer when drawing art? Cliché? Give reasons for feelings? That’s the most unhelpful advice I’ve ever seen. A bunch of vague ‘but it could be making me feel stuff’. I mean seriously ANY of this supposed to be helpful? It is a bunch of non-specific nonsense that doesn’t ’critique’ but more just says ‘I have feelings about this’. Which is contradicting the whole premise of it NOT giving you feelings.

Honestly give examples if you’re going to talk about something. You can’t just give me what your AI told you and paraphrase the robot. I can’t connect with this criticism whatsoever.

This is my critique of your critique btw. lol
T

I'd say its disorientating. You open up with a tone of regret and half way through you throw us in the middle/ending of a fight with their only correlation being "he killed my friend." There are a lot of questions that need to be answered if you want me (or anyone for that matter) interested, but most of all, it seems like you tried to go with 'in medias res' without understanding it. You can't open this with a flashback because that's not a hook. The hook would be "final action (both stabbing one another for example) -> reminisce for getting revenge over the friend -> ground us back to the present -> end it with your twist. Note that all this put together is the hook, not the first arrow. However, here the first part is missing, and it feels like "reminisce for what happened -pause- present here after the fight -> end with the twist.

And also, what the deal with the quotation makes? You have two different uses here: 1 implying that his life isn't normal and 2 as if the word identity has a deeper meaning that what meets the eye. So which of the two are you actually using them for? And also, if he considers his life normal then there is no need for them in the first place, and if its not normal what is it then?

Lastly, with the closure are you asking me if it’s the past or not? Of course its not meant that way but the phrasal in that needs to change into something like "Did... Did I really go back in time?" or something similar. With my example he appears more puzzled than talking to the reader.

Thank You for the critical feedback. Will be looking up some videos to try to mend this issue. I realise the clarity issue of the quotations and specificity issue of what the scene is intending.

Will change that last phrase too. I realised that I’ve become too accustomed to third person perspective now. Feels weird going into first person after so long. Hopefully this will fix the issue while I’m adding the changes.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Will change that last phrase too. I realised that I’ve become too accustomed to third person perspective now. Feels weird going into first person after so long. Hopefully this will fix the issue while I’m adding the changes.

Completely understand that problem (though in reverse) - started doing one first person story a few years ago (slowly being posted to Royal Road as "True Blue"), and suddenly have trouble getting back to third person (which is interfering with an idea I had a few days ago - keep planning out scenes then realizing I'm having the MC address the reader instead of describing what the MC is doing in third person like in the first two chapters...), even though one of the three stories I have up here IS third person.

 

[Tempokai]

Alright, I'll elaborate.

Too much angst for my liking in the prologue.

Aka, "I'M WEAK, I'M BAD, I WILL KILL IT FOR HER SAKE". Sure, bud I understand, but REPEATING IT FOR 10 SENTENCES STRAIGHT without combining it with action seriously undermines the emotional stake. Seriously. Sure, she died from that werewolf (no name lol), but it's written with such angst that it could make the goth kid cringe.

It feels like nothing is said while everything is said. Pacing is too fast, no room to letting that sink in.

Sure, everything happens, but it happens in such way that there's no time to think. That dude is broody, that werewolf is baddy, fight happens (which doesn't have a gravitas it needed due to villain being cringeworthy) and then deus ex machina does its thing, and NOTHING is worthy of remembering. Pacing, my dude, is a problem.

Written good, but for epic prologue in media res it's written meh.

Technical writing is good, I give that. No gremmar arrors and badly written sentences. But execution is... bad. Even in in medias res you first make a scene, then MC, and then the thing the MC cares about alongside with the enemy. Here you wrote "GAL'S DEAD! I'M BAD FOR BEING BAD! Oh, btw I'm in the fight scene with a mortal enemy, no biggie, he just interrupted me", without proper exposition and what's happening so I would care.

You had not given me a reason to like the MC, even when he was losing, maybe due to fast pacing and ambiguity that doesn't help here.

Sure, he's quintessential underdog who's given opportunity to go back in time, but it feels bland. Like those JP revenge manga MCs that have revenge in their mind, and it doesn't make me like the MC. He is just angry and broody for being angry and broody's sake. Ambiguity ruined it all. Sure, ambiguity is good, but it's only good there's CONTRAST with things reader must know. You know, usual things, like "where the fuck is this happening", "who the fuck is this guy who's narrating", "who the fuck is this werewolf who DOESN'T HAVE A NAME (Alpha, I get it, but MC PROBABLY KNOWS WHO KILLED THE GAL FROM THE BEGINNING INNIT?)". Say . The only good ambiguity is with deus ex machina, and even then the grandiosity of it appearing is nonexistent.

Let the scene "breathe" and don't rush to conclusions, and improve clarity, by telling things.

Elongate the sentences, SHOW THE WORLD. Add sensory things, like smell of stinky wolf, sight of a battlefield, feel of whatever, and so on. Maybe don't start from the end of the battle, but from the start of it, how MC arrived here, fought PROPERLY until doing the ol' trick of poisoning himself and feeding his arm to the werewolf. Show with CLARITY on things that are happening right now, on what reader needs to know to understand the action. TELL what reader must know, but SHOW how MC does it. Simple as.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

 

[Arch9CivilReactor]

Alright, I'll elaborate.


Aka, "I'M WEAK, I'M BAD, I WILL KILL IT FOR HER SAKE". Sure, bud I understand, but REPEATING IT FOR 10 SENTENCES STRAIGHT without combining it with action seriously undermines the emotional stake. Seriously. Sure, she died from that werewolf (no name lol), but it's written with such angst that it could make the goth kid cringe.

Sure, everything happens, but it happens in such way that there's no time to think. That dude is broody, that werewolf is baddy, fight happens (which doesn't have a gravitas it needed due to villain being cringeworthy) and then deus ex machina does its thing, and NOTHING is worthy of remembering. Pacing, my dude, is a problem.


Technical writing is good, I give that. No gremmar arrors and badly written sentences. But execution is... bad. Even in in medias res you first make a scene, then MC, and then the thing the MC cares about alongside with the enemy. Here you wrote "GAL'S DEAD! I'M BAD FOR BEING BAD! Oh, btw I'm in the fight scene with a mortal enemy, no biggie, he just interrupted me", without proper exposition and what's happening so I would care.


Sure, he's quintessential underdog who's given opportunity to go back in time, but it feels bland. Like those JP revenge manga MCs that have revenge in their mind, and it doesn't make me like the MC. He is just angry and broody for being angry and broody's sake. Ambiguity ruined it all. Sure, ambiguity is good, but it's only good there's CONTRAST with things reader must know. You know, usual things, like "where the fuck is this happening", "who the fuck is this guy who's narrating", "who the fuck is this werewolf who DOESN'T HAVE A NAME (Alpha, I get it, but MC PROBABLY KNOWS WHO KILLED THE GAL FROM THE BEGINNING INNIT?)". Say . The only good ambiguity is with deus ex machina, and even then the grandiosity of it appearing is nonexistent.

Elongate the sentences, SHOW THE WORLD. Add sensory things, like smell of stinky wolf, sight of a battlefield, feel of whatever, and so on. Maybe don't start from the end of the battle, but from the start of it, how MC arrived here, fought PROPERLY until doing the ol' trick of poisoning himself and feeding his arm to the werewolf. Show with CLARITY on things that are happening right now, on what reader needs to know to understand the action. TELL what reader must know, but SHOW how MC does it. Simple as.

I only half understand some points and others just sound like you want to write the story yourself. Why didn’t I write the name of the nemesis? Because he wouldn’t be relevant for the next dozen or so chapters. I get elongating it for the sake of ambience but this is a ‘short prologue’. It is meant to go by fast and frankly.

Why is the MC being so broody? Because I can’t just have him suddenly think of breakfast tomorrow when he’s dying tonight due to actions he took over this friend he cared about. There is reason and consideration taken in the ‘events’.

I’d be less inclined to completely disregard what I’m hearing if you: 1. Did not make it my problem you don’t like tropes. I mean not everything is for everyone. If you want the werewolf to have a name, why is that my problem? Even if I called him Momo or The Joker, would that really add anything to the story besides a name?

It’s one thing to criticise the flow of the events, and another thing to just go on and on (I mean what is with the irony in using a lot of words to say nothing to say another person is doing that).

@LoneQuack made a shorter response and criticism, but I respect it more because he was being frank and to the point. He didn’t rely on a darn robot to give me a very sarcastically worded pile of nonsense about ‘writing good’.

My opinion of you has improved only slightly by this reply that did what it should have done in the first post, but please respectfully spare me the pseudo-criticism. I’d rather read a short and concise response about something I missed than have someone tell me WHAT story I should be writing. It sounds too excessively whiny for me to take seriously.

 

[Tempokai]

I get elongating it for the sake of ambience but this is a ‘short prologue’. It is meant to go by fast and frankly.

Sure, you want to make a short prologue. But you don't make an average dude like me to care about it. Short doesn’t have to mean shallow. You just filled it with so many emotion without context that it falls flat.

Why is the MC being so broody? Because I can’t just have him suddenly think of breakfast tomorrow when he’s dying tonight due to actions he took over this friend he cared about

You missed the point entirely. No one’s asking for the guy to think about his Cheerios while dying, but the issue is that the brooding is one-note. Yes, he’s sad, yes, he’s angry. But if you just repeat those emotions without nuance, you end up with melodrama instead of depth. The critique wasn’t “stop being broody,” it was “don’t beat us over the head with it without giving the reader more to latch onto.” The problem isn’t what the MC feels, it’s how it’s written, completely unvaried and uninteresting.

Did not make it my problem you don’t like tropes.

The issue isn’t the trope itself, it’s that the trope is being executed lazily. There’s nothing wrong with using tropes ('cuz they’re unavoidable), and sometimes they work really well. But they only work if they’re done with care, if they bring something new or interesting to the table. Your werewolf villain and brooding MC aren’t tropes in and of themselves; they’re stale tropes because you not putting any spin on them. Even if they're "one off" per se, you still need to make the reader care about them.

Even if I called him Momo or The Joker, would that really add anything to the story besides a name?

You missed the point, again. A name isn't just a label on the "villain wannabe #334", it’s a tool for making a villain memorable. You don’t need a dozen chapters to tell the reader, “Hey, this enemy is important.” When a character has no identity, it’s hard to care about their conflict. Giving the werewolf a name is about giving the reader something to latch onto. If you fail that, you'll get nobody that's completely wasted in the story, even if he disappears from the story entirely afterwards.

My opinion of you has improved only slightly by this reply that did what it should have done in the first post, but please respectfully spare me the pseudo-criticism.

I'm sorry if my sarcasm went over your head. And I'm not sorry for giving a feedback where you said "give me feedback". You did “I don’t like how you said it, therefore it’s not valid” defense move, and now I'm mildly sad. You're reacting emotionally, not rationally, to feedback. If you keep dismissing critiques that make you uncomfortable, you're going to have a hard time improving as a writer. But hey, that's your journey.

 

[Arch9CivilReactor]

…Do you read responses?

Or are you just attention seeking at this point.

Don’t start off with sarcasm if you’re gonna react like a neglected teenager the moment someone brushes it off. Learn to respect your fellow users to at least TRY to be friendly.

Like I just said: I’m not interested in this kind of bad faith ‘critique’. Having a point or not, I do not need to have to sort through what’s sarcasm and what’s not just to hear you out.

…I can’t even believe you did the same ‘quote some sentences but not important ones’ thing like you did just a second ago. Chill out and leave it be. Like, seriously… I’m good.

Regardless of how ‘right’ you want to be, it’s kinda annoying to be so stubborn about whatever THIS is supposed to be.

Seriously, you don’t have to give me a time of day.

Sure, you want to make a short prologue. But you don't make an average dude like me to care about it. Short doesn’t have to mean shallow. You just filled it with so many emotion without context that it falls flat.

You missed the point entirely. No one’s asking for the guy to think about his Cheerios while dying, but the issue is that the brooding is one-note. Yes, he’s sad, yes, he’s angry. But if you just repeat those emotions without nuance, you end up with melodrama instead of depth. The critique wasn’t “stop being broody,” it was “don’t beat us over the head with it without giving the reader more to latch onto.” The problem isn’t what the MC feels, it’s how it’s written, completely unvaried and uninteresting.


The issue isn’t the trope itself, it’s that the trope is being executed lazily. There’s nothing wrong with using tropes ('cuz they’re unavoidable), and sometimes they work really well. But they only work if they’re done with care, if they bring something new or interesting to the table. Your werewolf villain and brooding MC aren’t tropes in and of themselves; they’re stale tropes because you not putting any spin on them. Even if they're "one off" per se, you still need to make the reader care about them.

You missed the point, again. A name isn't just a label on the "villain wannabe #334", it’s a tool for making a villain memorable. You don’t need a dozen chapters to tell the reader, “Hey, this enemy is important.” When a character has no identity, it’s hard to care about their conflict. Giving the werewolf a name is about giving the reader something to latch onto. If you fail that, you'll get nobody that's completely wasted in the story, even if he disappears from the story entirely afterwards.

I'm sorry if my sarcasm went over your head. And I'm not sorry for giving a feedback where you said "give me feedback". You did “I don’t like how you said it, therefore it’s not valid” defense move, and now I'm mildly sad. You're reacting emotionally, not rationally, to feedback. If you keep dismissing critiques that make you uncomfortable, you're going to have a hard time improving as a writer. But hey, that's your journey.

 

[Tempokai]

Oh, “I don’t like your tone, so I’m not listening” defense, cool. First time on the internet? I guess I raised your defences so much that nothing will enter your mind. I gave you what you wanted and now you try and label me as a bad actor. Tough luck, dude. Better luck next time.

 

[Arch9CivilReactor]

Oh, “I don’t like your tone, so I’m not listening” defense, cool. First time on the internet? I guess I raised your defences so much that nothing will enter your mind. I gave you what you wanted and now you try and label me as a bad actor. Tough luck, dude. Better luck next time.

Just because I’m on the internet doesn’t mean I gotta listen to entitled soi boys like a retail worker doing overtime. Screw it. I’m gonna be ‘a bit mean’ this time and see how you react.

I didn’t beg YOU or ANYONE for advice. This is the Internet. I don’t need to have manners. I can be an evil psychopath who decides to spend his time doing petty things like creating a dead account specifically to leave a AI written review (like what happened to my last work).

If I did that, what would YOU do?

What if I decide that the way I want to spend my time is to be an absolute weirdo that trashes people left and right? Oh, I’ll use “the other person should act mature” as an excuse to write what I know to be a bad mannered and demeaning tone simply because I just can.

I didn’t tell you to rewrite your response or anything. You are the one constantly begging for attention. When I choose to not give it to you, you start quoting me on EVERY.SINGLE.SENTENCE (which apparently you have time to do instead of anything else).

Movie directors get paid. They read reviews and go through harsh criticisms because that is their choice.

You are entitled to either look for an online argument, or give a critique. If you want to do both them you only get the former. Why is it I got to just “put up with your tone”? I’ve been writing online as a hobby for 9 years to cope with my severe depression. I don’t go online so ingrates like you can tell me I should be nice to them.

I am not a goddamn retail worker, and you are no customer. Even if I strip down the criticism on that first post you made, it will be similar to a lot of things I’ve seen in these 9 years.

Is your ‘critique’ SO AMAZING AND GREAT that I need to sit through your whiny little bitching for what amounts to a little advice? No.

If I meet a guy online I don’t like: I can tell them to screw off.

If I see someone trying to act like they’re the shit when they’re actually a turd, I can ignore them.

Not you. Though, because apparently you are self-aware enough to know you’re rude but tell others to be mature. That’s its own genre of nonsense.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

 

[Tempokai]

I can be an evil psychopath who decides to spend his time

"I’m mad, and I’m going to threaten you with theoretical bad behavior because I can’t win the argument."

I didn’t beg YOU or ANYONE for advice. This is the Internet. I don’t need to have manners.

"I’m mad because I got advice I didn’t like, so now I’m pretending I never wanted it in the first place." - posted in Story Feedback.

Just because I’m on the internet doesn’t mean I gotta listen to entitled soi boys like a retail worker doing overtime.

"I refuse to treat people with respect, and I’m angry that anyone expects me to."

Is your ‘critique’ SO AMAZING AND GREAT that I need to sit through your whiny little bitching for what amounts to a little advice? No.

"Because I’m not paying you, I think I don’t need to listen to anything I don’t want to hear."

If I meet a guy online I don’t like: I can tell them to screw off.

"I’m going to pretend I’m cool with just ignoring you, but clearly, I’m very invested in arguing."

Not you. Though, because apparently you are self-aware enough to know you’re rude but tell others to be mature. That’s its own genre of nonsense.

"I’m upset that you called me out for reacting emotionally, so I’m going to try and turn that around on you."

I’ve been writing online as a hobby for 9 years to cope with my severe depression. I don’t go online so ingrates like you can tell me I should be nice to them.

"I’m using my mental health struggles as a shield to deflect criticism and make you feel guilty for calling me out."

It's becoming too emotional and you clearly don't understand what I've written in plain English. As I said, you're reacting emotionally, not rationally, to feedback. If you keep dismissing critiques that make you uncomfortable, you're going to have a hard time improving as a writer. But hey, that's your journey.

 

[LoneQuack]

you are having a blast aren't you

 

[RepresentingWrath]

you are having a blast aren't you

I am.

 

[Arch9CivilReactor]

I am.

Now I’m feeling a bit ashamed and embarrassed. Gotta work on my short fuse. Not even gonna read whatever long, long response was posted.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Now I’m feeling a bit ashamed and embarrassed. Gotta work on my short fuse. Not even gonna read whatever long, long response was posted.

The thing is, I can easily empathize with both of you. I also have a short fuse, and I've been sarcastic. I've also been in both roles, I was someone who gave feedback and received it, I lashed out at people and I provoked them, etc. As I see it, you two can actually gain from talking about writing in a more calm manner. I won't say both of you are wrong, I would say, both of you, unfortunately, chose to escalate things.

Err, I don't know if it sounds patronizing or cringe, but I sincerely think you both should take a breath and talk about it calmly, or at least bury the hatchet. I did not intend to pick sides, as I said, I can empathize with both of you. So, if you or @Tempokai think I'm picking one side over the other, welp... I'm not good at mediating conflicts. But I sure can fan the flames!

 

[LoneQuack]

And now for the little devil in your hears -ahem- don't listen to SailusGebel he is clearly gaslighting you, and he isn't even trying to hide it well. I mean, admitting you've being wrong? Like, come on, at least try something more believable next time.

For @Arch9CivilReactor (if @Tempokai is reading, don't read the following)

You are clearly correct, don't listen to the other guy's opinion, he doesn't know what he's talking about. Oh, and SailusGebelis clearly taking their side. Oh, and lastly I want to make it clear you didn't hear...read it from me.

And now for @Tempokai (now @Arch9CivilReactor shouldn't read this, pretend like its not even here)

You are clearly correct, don't listen to the other guy's opinion, he doesn't know what he's talking about. Oh, and SailusGebelis clearly taking their side. Oh, and lastly I want to make it clear you didn't hear...read it from me.