Feedback for the beginning of my story

[SSPy]

Hi, I would appreciate feedback for the beginning of my story, to see if it's uninteresting or unengaging. Like that, I could change it before I go too far. Thank you.

13.8 Billion Year Librarian's Tale

docs.google.com

 

[Avery_Line]

I really like the conceit of writing from the perspective of a diary. I don't think I've ever seen an epistolary novel where one of the correspondents is the actual "letter" itself. Sentient paper. It's a neat hook.

I feel like this story repeats itself too much. For example, the diary asking God for a heart. Repeating that a few times gives us the idea. No need to keep it up. Also the diary entries of looking out the window, and every day being awful. There is some progression of what they watch from the window, but not enough to warrant the space taken up. Also, the diary itself, who is sentient, doesn't comment on it, which is a missed opportunity to show the parallelism between diary and writer. I'd really want to hear what the diary has to say about each entry. That's the heart of the epistolary structure.

Brackets for internal dialogue and thoughts are probably the last option I would recommend. I have seen it done before with << >> tags, never [ ], but even then it is distracting. Here's a good primer on internal dialogue: https://editorsmanual.com/articles/punctuate-dialogue/#thoughts

 

[CharlesEBrown]

The synopsis should be taken out and shot - mixes tense, and seems more an "Author's Note on what I'm doing" rather than a teaser designed to draw a reader in. The last sentence is really good for this - keep it and try to work up something simpler and in a single tense that leads to it.

A few passages are kind of clunky and need some tightening up - would have to dive back into it to recall exactly what and have to go feed animals and then people right now.

A good core concept and some very nicely crafted sections, but a lot of speed bumps slowing it down...

 

[SSPy]

I really like the conceit of writing from the perspective of a diary. I don't think I've ever seen an epistolary novel where one of the correspondents is the actual "letter" itself. Sentient paper. It's a neat hook.

I feel like this story repeats itself too much. For example, the diary asking God for a heart. Repeating that a few times gives us the idea. No need to keep it up. Also the diary entries of looking out the window, and every day being awful. There is some progression of what they watch from the window, but not enough to warrant the space taken up. Also, the diary itself, who is sentient, doesn't comment on it, which is a missed opportunity to show the parallelism between diary and writer. I'd really want to hear what the diary has to say about each entry. That's the heart of the epistolary structure.

Brackets for internal dialogue and thoughts are probably the last option I would recommend. I have seen it done before with << >> tags, never [ ], but even then it is distracting. Here's a good primer on internal dialogue: https://editorsmanual.com/articles/punctuate-dialogue/#thoughts

Thank you, very insightful

The synopsis should be taken out and shot - mixes tense, and seems more an "Author's Note on what I'm doing" rather than a teaser designed to draw a reader in. The last sentence is really good for this - keep it and try to work up something simpler and in a single tense that leads to it.

A few passages are kind of clunky and need some tightening up - would have to dive back into it to recall exactly what and have to go feed animals and then people right now.

A good core concept and some very nicely crafted sections, but a lot of speed bumps slowing it down...

I'll work on it, thank you

 

[Nolff]

Holy, both of you are doing good beta reads.

I really like the conceit of writing from the perspective of a diary. I don't think I've ever seen an epistolary novel where one of the correspondents is the actual "letter" itself. Sentient paper. It's a neat hook.

I feel like this story repeats itself too much. For example, the diary asking God for a heart. Repeating that a few times gives us the idea. No need to keep it up. Also the diary entries of looking out the window, and every day being awful. There is some progression of what they watch from the window, but not enough to warrant the space taken up. Also, the diary itself, who is sentient, doesn't comment on it, which is a missed opportunity to show the parallelism between diary and writer. I'd really want to hear what the diary has to say about each entry. That's the heart of the epistolary structure.

Brackets for internal dialogue and thoughts are probably the last option I would recommend. I have seen it done before with << >> tags, never [ ], but even then it is distracting. Here's a good primer on internal dialogue: https://editorsmanual.com/articles/punctuate-dialogue/#thoughts

The synopsis should be taken out and shot - mixes tense, and seems more an "Author's Note on what I'm doing" rather than a teaser designed to draw a reader in. The last sentence is really good for this - keep it and try to work up something simpler and in a single tense that leads to it.

A few passages are kind of clunky and need some tightening up - would have to dive back into it to recall exactly what and have to go feed animals and then people right now.

A good core concept and some very nicely crafted sections, but a lot of speed bumps slowing it down...