Feedback needed: Can you tell me why my story is bad?

[Rookieqw]

Sorry to bother you, but I need some help, if you have time to waste. My story is rather bad (one of the worst, actually): https://www.scribblehub.com/series/860302/a-rats-problems/ , but I need some guidance on what aspects of my writing (if any) I should work on. I know my writing is bad, but if possible, I would like to know in what way it is bad. Maybe that can help me improve.

 

[LilRora]

I honestly don't understand why you would say your writing is so bad. After a quick skim, I noticed just four things you can improve, and none of them are major mistakes.

First would be phrasing and sentences. You often comllicate them needlessly. It's generally better to write short and concise sentences, and I feel like you sometimes want to write something specific but don't find good words for that and end up with an awkward phrase. Improving in that regard is just reading and practice.

Second is descriptions and explanations. You write a bit too many of those, which slows down the pace; it's not necessarily a bad thing even, though I think it should be reduced at least in the first few chapters to give readers some events to process before explaining the circumstances instead of explaining the world before placing the story in it.

And third thing is clarity, because the way you write makes some details unclear or completely missing. That's nothing more than practice. When you imagine a scene, try to think from outsiders perspective and consider what they would see from as detailed an image as possible.

The fourth one would be the abruptness and randomness of some events in your story. It feels like they are happening because someone decided they would happen right there, not for any specific reason. And just to be clear, I don't mean to say that surprises are bad, but I mean mainly the quickness of some of the mc's decisions. That's a very common mistake, when, for example, the mc finds a wounded animal and abruptly decides it's her pet. That can happen, yeah, but there's generally a lot more consideration and development before that conclusion is finalized.

Generally though, your story is pretty good. I'd personally rate it at 3,5 stars, which is already something considering that 4 for me is a good story with some mistakes and issues that don't affect readability and 3 is a story with noticeable mistakes and issues that interrupt reading. It's definitely way better than many stories that go up for feedback here. They often land at 3 or lower on my personal scale.

 

[Tempokai]

I read through the first chapter, and the first thing that bothered me that it's too complex in wording for ordinary people. Assume the people are in 6th-7th year students while writing. While the detail is good, it hurt your pacing at the start. At the beginning, you focus on one thing, and then expand from it (usually). Your beginning narrative collided with so much unnecessary detail that it hurt clarity.
Here's the beginning:

Compound eyes calmly looked at the scurrying roaches, while tiny hairs on the ends of six long legs caught a whiff of wind, confirming the safety of the surroundings. Nothing but ravenousness growled in the insect’s brain, but it stood quietly, hidden amidst rusted pipes and allowing toxic sludge to hide its natural smell. Sturdy and round mandibles opened eagerly at the sight of approaching prey…


And from the darkness above, a hand emerged from a suffocatingly small tunnel. The insect's hair barely had time to catch the vibrations of the air before a palm closed around the struggling creature and lifted its fifty-centimeter-long body. It tried to attack with sharp legs and bite with its mandibles, only to have its head quickly wrangled away and for teeth mixed with fangs to sink into its chitin body.


I have a brother!

Okay. First and second paragraphs would've worked, IF it was a visual medium. Not a novel. There is simply no clarity, and I'm not invested enough to know why she's having a brother. Establish a enviroment, character, and then the change in the character's life that nudges the plot to go forwards. Like here:

Spoiler: AI

In the dim light of an underground labyrinth, an enormous insect lurked among corroded pipes and pools of toxic sludge. Its compound eyes, multifaceted and unblinking, surveyed the darkness for prey. The insect's elongated legs, covered in sensitive hairs, detected the faintest currents of air—a sign of approaching danger or opportunity. It remained motionless, its hunger evident only in the subtle twitch of its round, robust mandibles.

Suddenly, from the shadows above, a hand descended with precision. Before the insect could react, it was ensnared by a young girl emerging from a narrow tunnel. Despite its size—half a meter in length—the creature was no match for her swift movements. It thrashed, its sharp legs flailing and mandibles snapping, but the girl expertly avoided its defenses and swiftly neutralized it. Her teeth, an unusual blend of human and fang-like structures, sank into the creature's chitinous body with practiced ease.

The girl, known in these depths as Ratcatcher, relished the final morsels of her unconventional meal. Silence reclaimed the tunnels, punctuated only by her steady heartbeat. With a satisfied smile, Ratcatcher navigated the confining passageways with ease. Emerging into a larger tunnel, she casually crushed a few cockroaches underfoot, snatching some with her prehensile tail and tossing them into her mouth.

---

In this version, I focused on:

1. **Clear Character Introduction**: Introducing the girl (Ratcatcher) earlier provides context to the reader about who is interacting with the insect.
2. **Descriptive but Concise Language**: Using descriptive language to paint a vivid picture while avoiding overly complex sentences ensures readability.
3. **Sequential and Logical Flow**: The actions are described in a logical sequence to help the reader follow the events easily.
4. **Emphasis on Atmosphere**: Maintaining the dark and oppressive atmosphere of the setting, which is crucial to the narrative's mood.
5. **Character Details**: Providing subtle hints about Ratcatcher's abilities and characteristics (e.g., her teeth) without overwhelming the reader with too much information at once.

Afterwards, I've noticed too many metaphors, which slow down the pacing even further. The inner monologue is done good, but it's more like "stream of thoughts", which sometimes unnecessary. If a reader knows that it's some sort of dystopian nightmare, then the reader knows 125% that the outsiders=bad, because it's a trope. The atmosphere is vivid, but, again, overly detailed.

Anyway, if you're writing for yourself, and you think it's good, good for you. Maybe you'll find someone who likes your narrative voice and niche setting, but it's not for me.

 

[Rookieqw]

I honestly don't understand why you would say your writing is so bad.

That's easy, on every site that I post my stories they have consistently the least amout of readers or followers. Math doesn't lie, my writing and style are just bad.

First would be phrasing and sentences. You often comllicate them needlessly. It's generally better to write short and concise sentences, and I feel like you sometimes want to write something specific but don't find good words for that and end up with an awkward phrase. Improving in that regard is just reading and practice.

I read through the first chapter, and the first thing that bothered me that it's too complex in wording for ordinary people.

I'd like to lie and say that it is because English is my second language, but truth be told, it is only part of the problem; I know very little words in my native language too. I am not even close to being smart.

So, expand my vocabulary and write in shorter sentences, using simpler words. But what if I repeat the words too often? And in several writing manuals that I read, it was pointed out that using adverbs is bad. Do you hold the same opinion?

And third thing is clarity, because the way you write makes some details unclear or completely missing. That's nothing more than practice. When you imagine a scene, try to think from outsiders perspective and consider what they would see from as detailed an image as possible.

Okay. First and second paragraphs would've worked, IF it was a visual medium. Not a novel. There is simply no clarity, and I'm not invested enough to know why she's having a brother. Establish a enviroment, character, and then the change in the character's life that nudges the plot to go forwards. Like here:

Put more effort into establishing a scene before jumping to action. Got it.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

That's easy, on every site that I post my stories they have consistently the least amout of readers or followers. Math doesn't lie, my writing and style are just bad.

On SH cover matters, and you don't have any. It's not even about writing, presentation matters a lot. Cover, tags, and synopsis can make a novel more or less popular. As much as some people on forums hate AI covers, they are better than none.

I'd like to lie and say that it is because English is my second language, but truth be told, it is only part of the problem; I know very little words in my native language too. I am not even close to being smart.

So, expand my vocabulary and write in shorter sentences, using simpler words. But what if I repeat the words too often?

Use thesaurus. If you are not sure whether the word fits or not, you can google the meaning, look at multiple online dictionaries. Also, repeating words is not as bad if you don't do it multiple times in the same or adjacent paragraphs, or if you don't use the same dialogue tag over and over again.

 

[Kalliel]

Sorry to bother you, but I need some help, if you have time to waste. My story is rather bad (one of the worst, actually): https://www.scribblehub.com/series/860302/a-rats-problems/ , but I need some guidance on what aspects of my writing (if any) I should work on. I know my writing is bad, but if possible, I would like to know in what way it is bad. Maybe that can help me improve.

First thing first, you need to understand that some genres are just more popular with the average readers than others. Especially true on this site with the whole GL/GB and smut stuff.

Second, you're underestimating yourself. Your writing was definitely not the worst that I've seen, in fact, it's on the more decent side. But yes, there are still problems. The main problem I will talk here is one that others have mentioned - redundancy.

Vivid descriptions are good, but in my opinion, you should save them for important scenes. For normal scenes, concise and clear writing are the best. The majority of readers won't care about the small details that you put in, sadly.

 

[LilRora]

That's easy, on every site that I post my stories they have consistently the least amout of readers or followers. Math doesn't lie, my writing and style are just bad.

I'll counter that with, statistics based on little data can lead to incorrect conclusions. Views and followers are a bad indicator of quality by themselves. You'd be surprised how huge a difference advertising a story and finding the right demographic means. Plus there's a shit ton of other factors like trends, tags and genres, synopsis, cover, and probably five more I haven't listed.

Also, in regards to adverbs, saying using them is bad is not exactly wrong, but it's oversimplified. It's a lot more complicated than good or bad. If you can, then use a single, descriptive word instead of adding adverbs (for example "she dashed" instead of "she ran quickly" - the first one uses less words to say a similar thing, and often it even fits much better, because dash is more dynamic than run). That makes your writing more concise and allows to fit more actions or descriptions in the space you save.

There are cases though when using them is almost necessary and trying to swap them with something will only sound awkward. For example, how would you say the same thing as "high tower" or "he went there yesterday" using less words? There probably are words for that, but they're rarely used and not really known, so using them might have adverse effects especially with non-native speakers. Generally, I'd say try to reduce your usage of adverbs, but don't try to forcefully use as little of them as possible.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Sorry to bother you, but I need some help, if you have time to waste. My story is rather bad (one of the worst, actually): https://www.scribblehub.com/series/860302/a-rats-problems/ , but I need some guidance on what aspects of my writing (if any) I should work on. I know my writing is bad, but if possible, I would like to know in what way it is bad. Maybe that can help me improve.

I have read your latest chapter. Whatever you write, it is of good quality. If you want to improve, you're looking to improve, we all have. If you'd like to hear my two cents, these are them:
The first one: you're using Real World Objects. They have their very own logic. Have you ever watched them when you decided to use them as reference in your writing? Because some of the things you have decided to reference to do not make sense in the way you use as. A dragonfly does not flap wings in the same way that birds do. If it did, then it would no longer be a dragonfly. A dragonfly is supposed to be beating wings non-stop. If it does something with a single beat of a wing, then it will do the same again and again so many times in such a short period of time that you could be sure that your narrative would not have worked as you had intended. Make better use of your reference materials, or drop them altogether. You are making your readers confused, and this is a damn waste of a potentially good read when your reader sees something that completely breaks their immersion due to the writer's lack of research.

Do your homework when you're doing your research.

The second one: Choose your words. "The structural integrity didn’t last", "trying to break through the metal surface to start destroying the beast from within", "It reached the bone above her knee, cracking it and damaging the muscle", "spreading corrosive acid". You are being redundant in all these passages, and not in a good way. I understand that emphasis can be used for impact, but these are not the times you want to use them. You are wasting your words these times. In fact, if you wanted to, you could actually rewrite one of these passages for better impact! Look: "The impact went through the surface of the armor, crumpling it. It first damaged the muscle before cracking the bone just above her knee." This is the kind of words you should be choosing. The order of your words matter.

Overall:
You know how to write, and you actually do have a good story to tell. If you want to improve, think a bit of what you are trying to write before you actually write. You will improve a lot if you do some editing. More words do not mean better content. In fact, it is often easier to miss the point by being wordy than by being succinct.