Free feedback thread.

[TsumiHokiro]

I think I will be ready to hear your grand opinion by the time you reach my post. So I'll be waiting for your review, if you ever feel like it.
Link is below this line:
Transience - A World not so Different

 

[RepresentingWrath]

I think I will be ready to hear your grand opinion by the time you reach my post. So I'll be waiting for your review, if you ever feel like it.
Link is below this line:

The rules are simple.
1. You post a link to your story.

I read on my phone. I can't see signatures on my phone.

Just to ask, did you review my story before or after my revisions?

When did you make a revision?

 

[AdOtherwise]

I read on my phone. I can't see signatures on my phone.

When did you make a revision?

Early August I'm pretty sure

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Early August I'm pretty sure

This one?

Just so you know I have just revised my first chapter, I went to read it after your feedback and you were right...everything was terrible. Alas I don't think I fixed the info dumping all to much but I tried to reduce it as much as possible.

Let me know what you think about the Revision next chance you get.

He brought his wheelbarrow to a plot of clear land and started digging. A few feet away, a wormhole opens, and a boy with confusion written all over his face plops out. Tense problem.

The boy's eyes darted around him, struggling to take it all in. Frog-like creatures eyed Cain from muddy pools. Didn't introduce MC so using his name now is weird.

Returning to the boy his tone shifted to compassion, Weird phrase.

Tossing the clothes onto the boy's lap, the putrid smell causes the boy's face to scrunch up. Tense problem.

Tossing the clothes onto the boy's lap, the putrid smell causes the boy's face to scrunch up. It is then that he realizes he was naked. He silently nodded to the man and got dressed. Didn't split the actions of two different characters.

While doing this, the man chuckles and adds, Tense problem.

After reassuring the boy and using logic to explain that he was a gravedigger, the boy finally calms down. This wasn't fixed.

After some thinking and bread scratching, Feick found what he should name the boy, "Let's call you Cain! It's nice and short isn't it?"
After some thought, Feick suggested, "Let's call you Cain - nice and short." Bruh. Even if I ignore the fact you forgot to delete the old line and think of it as a typo, Feick gives name to a character that already has name. You use Cain before in a third-person POV.

Frog-like creatures eyed Cain from muddy pools. This line is used in the beginning.
Fast forward a little bit and you write this. "Let's call you Cain! It's nice and short isn't it?" Bruh.

"Okay!"
Cain says happily, liking his name. It wasn't like he had a choice, he would die without this man's help. This wasn't fixed.

Feicked explained things as he watched Cain work. Self-explanatory.

The boy was as curious as they came so Feick held nothing back, "As (something) as they come" is an idiom. You don't change the tense of "come".

Feicked explained things as he watched Cain work. This wasn't fixed.

"So this Contaminated stuff..." Cain hesitated, unsure how much he wanted to reveal. "You're saying This wasn't fixed.

Dunno. Nothing was fixed but you added a couple new problems. You can see examples of new problems mixed with some old ones above. The most prominent one is your tenses keep shifting. You simply paraphrased a couple things and changed tenses. Did you use an AI or something?

 

[AdOtherwise]

This one?

Yep. Thats the one.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Yep. Thats the one.

Unless you did a new revision recently, I gave feedback on both. Read the last part of my quote.

Dunno. Nothing was fixed but you added a couple new problems. You can see examples of new problems mixed with some old ones above. The most prominent one is your tenses keep shifting. You simply paraphrased a couple things and changed tenses. Did you use an AI or something?

 

[AdOtherwise]

Unless you did a new revision recently, I gave feedback on both. Read the last part of my quote.

I have indeed done revisions recently

 

[RepresentingWrath]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843715/bleach-gazing-mirage/

Sorry for taking so long, I was busy and lazy, very lazy. Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 3

It's against the law to monetize fanfiction. Yes, I'm talking about Patreon and other similar services. I'm not a stickler to rules, but I want to warn you of any potential problems. You can lose both Patreon and your novel.

I would say this story is very similar to the previous one. There are obviously differences, and I will talk about it after I mention things that didn't change. Formatting, lackluster descriptions, same problems with dialogue tags, same opinion about the way you write. Although it feels somewhat less clunky, the feeling there there are tons of mistakes has only become stronger. So you traded one thing for another.

The pacing is a lot better. Though it's way too fast, comparing it to 2 chapters dedicated to the system in the previous novel, it's a lot better.

Dialogues have the same problem as before, I'm talking about tags. But there are also new problems. I'm talking mainly about the content of the said dialogues. In the previous novel, you at least managed to give your characters some kind of personality through your dialogues. Here they feel like blocks of wood. While MC doesn't feel like a human or a character at all. Partially because of the pacing, but the way you write his dialogue lines and tags is more important.

I will show you the best example.
Without plot armor, who can survive living in a Soul Society secretly controlled by Aizen or the Quincy invasion afterward? Main characters die here, so how am I supposed to survive!?"

'Hmm, so Yoruichi is still in the Soul Society, and Suì-Fēng still works for her. This has to be the Soul Society before the story starts. I remember that she and Urahara left the Soul Society 101 years ago, so that means I've traveled to the past of Bleach.

Your MC assumed he was in the past without any indicators or information. He saw Yoruichi and knew he was in the past AFTER he assumed he would need to somehow survive the invasion and Aizen. To me, this is an egregious mistake that shows that you don't separate your MC from yourself.

Why is it a mistake? Because he has NO additional info. The only thing MC knows is that he is in Bleach. That's it. He should speculate, yet what he does? He paraphrases the synopsis.

Speaking about characters and their personalities, and so on. There are none. Always cool, perfect acting, and so on. Mary sue. Yoruichi didn't have any of her personality at all as well. Just a bland block of wood.

Compared to the previous work, characters are a lot worse. Partially because in your previous work, there was abstract chaos goddess and soul. They could've had quirks, and I was able to suspend my disbelief. Here, we have basically a human and an established character. You failed to write both.

Worldbuilding? Well, I'm no Bleach connoisseur. I don't know all the little details, like how soul repares should act on duty, or where hollows usually appear, so even if you made any mistakes here, I can't say much.

Plot? Can't say anything.

And that's the end of my feedback. Same as before, overall, it was easy to read and relatively easy to understand. Yet if I add the additional problem of your characters to the equation, I would deduct a whole one star. The reason for that, in the previous novel characters actually added to the story. Now they are a downside. Plus, there is basically nothing to the story without characters, since it's not pleasant to read. The two are more important since the story is centered around characters rather than actual plot or world. So, the only upside for me, is that I can understand everything. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2 stars. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

I read on my phone. I can't see signatures on my phone.

Fixed on that same post.

 

[nii07]

Sorry for taking so long, I was busy and lazy, very lazy. Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 3

It's against the law to monetize fanfiction. Yes, I'm talking about Patreon and other similar services. I'm not a stickler to rules, but I want to warn you of any potential problems. You can lose both Patreon and your novel.

I would say this story is very similar to the previous one. There are obviously differences, and I will talk about it after I mention things that didn't change. Formatting, lackluster descriptions, same problems with dialogue tags, same opinion about the way you write. Although it feels somewhat less clunky, the feeling there there are tons of mistakes has only become stronger. So you traded one thing for another.

The pacing is a lot better. Though it's way too fast, comparing it to 2 chapters dedicated to the system in the previous novel, it's a lot better.

Dialogues have the same problem as before, I'm talking about tags. But there are also new problems. I'm talking mainly about the content of the said dialogues. In the previous novel, you at least managed to give your characters some kind of personality through your dialogues. Here they feel like blocks of wood. While MC doesn't feel like a human or a character at all. Partially because of the pacing, but the way you write his dialogue lines and tags is more important.

I will show you the best example.
Without plot armor, who can survive living in a Soul Society secretly controlled by Aizen or the Quincy invasion afterward? Main characters die here, so how am I supposed to survive!?"

'Hmm, so Yoruichi is still in the Soul Society, and Suì-Fēng still works for her. This has to be the Soul Society before the story starts. I remember that she and Urahara left the Soul Society 101 years ago, so that means I've traveled to the past of Bleach.

Your MC assumed he was in the past without any indicators or information. He saw Yoruichi and knew he was in the past AFTER he assumed he would need to somehow survive the invasion and Aizen. To me, this is an egregious mistake that shows that you don't separate your MC from yourself.

Why is it a mistake? Because he has NO additional info. The only thing MC knows is that he is in Bleach. That's it. He should speculate, yet what he does? He paraphrases the synopsis.

Speaking about characters and their personalities, and so on. There are none. Always cool, perfect acting, and so on. Mary sue. Yoruichi didn't have any of her personality at all as well. Just a bland block of wood.

Compared to the previous work, characters are a lot worse. Partially because in your previous work, there was abstract chaos goddess and soul. They could've had quirks, and I was able to suspend my disbelief. Here, we have basically a human and an established character. You failed to write both.

Worldbuilding? Well, I'm no Bleach connoisseur. I don't know all the little details, like how soul repares should act on duty, or where hollows usually appear, so even if you made any mistakes here, I can't say much.

Plot? Can't say anything.

And that's the end of my feedback. Same as before, overall, it was easy to read and relatively easy to understand. Yet if I add the additional problem of your characters to the equation, I would deduct a whole one star. The reason for that, in the previous novel characters actually added to the story. Now they are a downside. Plus, there is basically nothing to the story without characters, since it's not pleasant to read. The two are more important since the story is centered around characters rather than actual plot or world. So, the only upside for me, is that I can understand everything. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2 stars. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

Thanks for the feedback I appreciate it. I found it very informative and will go back and look over those issues and try to learn for any future stories.

Yeah for monetization I don't do it for fanfictions. I just tell them I release 5 chapters past what I release on scribblehub as a way to draw people to check out my Patreon, but it's completely free to read so you don't have to even join to read it. That should be okay, right?

Yeah, I also felt like that, because the novel is a fanfic, I felt that if I mess with pre-written characters or the world too much it might piss off people who really consume Bleach so I felt like my hands were tied. So I couldn't really put the same level of detail into the characters that I usually do. I still feel like I need to find the right balance between how detailed it should be and how fast-paced to make the novel.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Thanks for the feedback I appreciate it. I found it very informative and will go back and look over those issues and try to learn for any future stories.

No matter how confident I am, it is still a subjective opinion. So don't think I am right and you are 100% wrong. Ask others for feedback, compare my feedback with other feedback, compare it with your own vision. You know the drill.

Yeah for monetization I don't do it for fanfictions. I just tell them I release 5 chapters past what I release on scribblehub as a way to draw people to check out my Patreon, but it's completely free to read so you don't have to even join to read it. That should be okay, right?

I honestly don't know. I just warned you. You are probably going to be safe, since there are lots of authors that DO monetize their fanficitons, and they didn't get into any trouble... yet. Depends on your luck I guess? Like, if you never encounter a hater, you will probably be safe. But if you encounter a hater, or a person who abides by the rules, you might get reported. I would advise you to look into this topic yourself. As I said, I don't really care, do what you want. I just wanted to warn you, so you can be prepared for troubles.

Yeah, I also felt like that, because the novel is a fanfic, I felt that if I mess with pre-written characters or the world too much it might piss off people who really consume Bleach so I felt like my hands were tied. So I couldn't really put the same level of detail into the characters that I usually do. I still feel like I need to find the right balance between how detailed it should be and how fast-paced to make the novel.

I would advise you to read @Assurbanipal_II novels and analyze them. It might help you since he also writes a fanfic, he writes short chapters, and the quality is very good.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

No matter how confident I am, it is still a subjective opinion. So don't think I am right and you are 100% wrong. Ask others for feedback, compare my feedback with other feedback, compare it with your own vision. You know the drill.

I honestly don't know. I just warned you. You are probably going to be safe, since there are lots of authors that DO monetize their fanficitons, and they didn't get into any trouble... yet. Depends on your luck I guess? Like, if you never encounter a hater, you will probably be safe. But if you encounter a hater, or a person who abides by the rules, you might get reported. I would advise you to look into this topic yourself. As I said, I don't really care, do what you want. I just wanted to warn you, so you can be prepared for troubles.

I would advise you to read @Assurbanipal_II novels and analyze them. It might help you since he also writes a fanfic, he writes short chapters, and the quality is very good.

I was mentioned ... You get biscuit.

 

[nii07]

No matter how confident I am, it is still a subjective opinion. So don't think I am right and you are 100% wrong. Ask others for feedback, compare my feedback with other feedback, compare it with your own vision. You know the drill.

Don't worry I do ask for other feedback and I also get some from my readers every now and then.

I honestly don't know. I just warned you. You are probably going to be safe, since there are lots of authors that DO monetize their fanficitons, and they didn't get into any trouble... yet. Depends on your luck I guess? Like, if you never encounter a hater, you will probably be safe. But if you encounter a hater, or a person who abides by the rules, you might get reported. I would advise you to look into this topic yourself. As I said, I don't really care, do what you want. I just wanted to warn you, so you can be prepared for troubles.

Thanks for the warning I appreciate it very much. I'll try to be careful.

I would advise you to read @Assurbanipal_II novels and analyze them. It might help you since he also writes a fanfic, he writes short chapters, and the quality is very good.

Thank you for recommending that to me I'll check it out. You're one of the most thorough reviewers on here. I enjoy your detailed responses and if I write a new story in the future I hope you'll check it out.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Don't worry I do ask for other feedback and I also get some from my readers every now and then.

Thanks for the warning I appreciate it very much. I'll try to be careful.

Thank you for recommending that to me I'll check it out. You're one of the most thorough reviewers on here. I enjoy your detailed responses and if I write a new story in the future I hope you'll check it out.

 

[ThrillingHuman]

Can I get feedback for this first chapter?

 

[Eelphen]

I'd love to get some feedback.

Empire: playing dice

'Gods are playing dice with our lives. Never forget that.' In a realm where power and politics weave an intricate tapestry, Lord Arlo and Princess Laa, aided by their unwavering companions, Yew and Dan, become embroiled in the enigmatic web of imperial intrigue. As they embark on a perilous...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[RepresentingWrath]

I was led to the wise guru of forums

I seek your wisdom

Cohabitation Schizophrenia

For Evin, the Voice inside his head was always something to be despised. Because of it, he is shunned by all, even his own family. His mother had left him, leaving him behind with a father who is beyond done with the mentally-ill child under his care. Yet still, the...

www.scribblehub.com

Sorry for taking so long, I was busy and lazy, very lazy. Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished chapter Evin and the Voice

Before I start with the feedback, here is some friendly advice. If you will continue to write and post on SH, use as many fitting tags and genres as possible. The more tags and genres you use, the better the visibility of your novel.

I will start my actual feedback by mentioning that your story is not my cup of tea, so I don't intend to read any further. As I won't read any further, I can't comment on the plot, worldbuilding, and characters. There wasn't anything bad or good.

So, the only thing I can talk about is the way you write. Overall, I like the way you write, to be more precise, the direction you choose. There are certain mistakes that affect your writing a lot.

And the worst thing is probably how you either don't write necessary words, or write something redundant. Here are examples to illustrate what I mean.

Glaring at the woman with so much hatred, as if she was the one who put him in his state, he suddenly started jumped at her, swinging his fists without much reason and rhyme.

or maybe it was because was such an important day for him but his father seemed to give no care to it at all…

He wiped the sweat off his slightly tanned forehead and scratched his messy hair furiously refresh his head a little. TO refresh.

The man fell the ground with his cheeks first, Fell TO the ground.

Last example. His short arms struggling to the reach the bottom of the pot. First of all, the is redundant. Second, there is another mistake. Struggled, not struggling. You sometimes use the wrong tenses.

Examples of using the wrong tense.

“Irina! I’m home!” an unkempt man smashing a house door open with a kick, shouting merrily all the while.

but the pain barely registering in his brain.

Another mistake is repetitions. I will be honest, I didn't notice as much in the second chapter, but I don't know about the rest of the story, so I will still mention it, just in case.
The man fell the ground with his cheeks first, but the pain barely registering in his brain. He slammed he ground with his palms and tried to push himself up, but a hand grabbed him by his hair and shoved his face to the ground. Ground, ground, ground, ground. There were a couple more mentions of the ground and a couple more repetitions in the first chapter. My advice is simply to use a thesaurus, and cut some of those words. You don't need them a lot of the time.

The man fell down face first, but the pain barely registered in his brain. He slammed the ground with his palms and tried to push himself up, but a hand grabbed him by his hair and shoved his face back. That's it. I didn't even need to rewrite anything. If you are adamant about keeping the cheek part, rewrite the "slammed the ground with palms" part a little bit, and that's it.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this one is considered a typo or if this is another type of recurring mistake.

His screamed and thrashed at the first person he could speak to in centuries, shouting out incoherent questions at her. He.

He slammed he ground with his palms and tried to push himself up, The ground.

Lastly. Something a lot of authors do, and you are no exception. Although this is subjective, I will mention it anyway. Weird phrases, and here are a couple of examples.

But although not insane, he still felt endless rage as he remembered the state he was put in for three whole centuries. Overall weirdly phrased. Why "but although"? Why not "No longer tormented"? "No longer insane?"

“Shut up…” Evin whispered in the smallest voice he could, This one isn't super weird, but I feel like it misses something. Maybe "muster" in the end? Not sure, but as is, it looks somewhat alienating to me.

And that's the end of my feedback. I really think your novel suffers a lot because of those small, mistakes, and it's not like they are hard to fix. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3 stars. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Would love to get some feedback on this :)

Customer Service Magic

Welcome to MagicPerformax, your premier destination for hero assistance for over a decade. Our team of highly-trained Hero Care Assistants is at your service 24/7. We’re here to ensure your survival in treacherous dungeons, seal away those pesky demon generals, and of course, rescue the damsels...

www.scribblehub.com

Sorry for taking so long, I was busy and lazy, very lazy. Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished chapter 3. Opening Spiel – III

Before I start the feedback, I should mention that I very briefly looked at newer chapters. The reason for that is to see whether certain things carry over or not. And from what I've seen, the only thing that sometimes appears is messed-up formatting. What I mean is that usually, you use a single space between your paragraphs, but sometimes you use double space. I kindly ask you to fix it when it's not necessary for the story.

Okay, now that I finished talking about this, I want to talk about your first chapter. You should HEAVILY edit it or even rewrite it. Reasons? Well, to be honest, I think it's self-explanatory. But just to illustrate my point, I will write a couple of things. There are paragraphing, problems, tense problems, POV problems, and incomprehensible sentences. To make this clear, I compare your first chapter with your third chapter. The quality of the third chapter is good, I didn't notice any mistakes, nor do I have any subjective dislikes. Compare it with chapter one.

Here are examples of various mistakes.

Ultimately, bringing peace to the world, and just maybe, find a bit of romance along the way. Yeah, This is where you should split the paragraph.
As I hear him say the opening spiel to take another call, This is where you should split the paragraph.

“Most customers have been, as of late.” You tell Neil while completing the customer’s request and closing the laptop in front of you. You? Messed up POV.
“Yume.” You call the agent’s name as she stands up and approaches your cubicle, her headset dangling on her shoulders. You? Messed up POV.

As absurd as it sounds, I feel a strange sense of satisfaction–especially after finishing basic training and endorsed to be the part of the front lines, assisting tier-1 Hero Care Assistants as calls and inquiries pour in. Incomprehensible.

I wasn’t entirely sure on how we can the hero care assistants that they’re expecting us through the telephone but with every call and every irate customer I managed to calm down, I started to learn that magic and technology has come that far to make it possible. Incomprehensible.

Please, rewrite your first chapter as soon as possible since it's the first thing a reader sees. And it's not like you can't write. As I said, chapter 3 was good, while chapter 2 was mostly okay. There were a couple of formatting issues, but overall everything was alright. I really didn't notice any mistakes or typos. I didn't notice tense problems either.

There are two things that bother me a lot, but it's not some kind of objective grammar mistake.

“Hey, Vaughn. Can you help me with this call?” This part is where you make a weird narration jump. It was almost a third-person POV, where the narrator was the MC. Then, you switch to first-person POV and there are close to zero(I think it was zero?) parts where you include the previous narration type.

Let me paraphrase this. The chapter starts with MC narrating in past tense what happened to him, narrating some exposition, describing the world, and so on. And then you snap your finger, and it becomes a first-person POV in the present tense. And there are no more comments form MC in past tense. Even in chapter 2 and 3.

And it happens out of the blue. I don't know, maybe this part should've not been included? And you simply will delete once you decide to rewrite?

Anyway, the other thing that bothers me is probably pacing. Not sure is is really pacing, but I will call it like that. The problem here is that you start with dialogue, and continue with dialogue, and nothing happens. If the first problem isn't something you are going to delete, I think the pacing can be fixed by adding some comments from MC. Though, I think you should rework your opening part a little bit if you want to attract more readers.

Lastly, your story is not my cup of tea, so I don't intend to read any further. As I won't read any further, I can't comment on the plot, worldbuilding, and characters. There wasn't anything bad or good.

And that's the end of my feedback. I will close my eyes and pretend chapter 1 doesn't exist. If I do this, your novel is easy to read and compehend, but suffers a little bit from the fact that nothing besides dialogues happens. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3 stars. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[AnonUnlimited]

Boobs

 

[Deleted member 133647]

4. I won't read and review three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

>:(