So immediately, the first chapter is much better. There's still the occasional re-using of words in the same paragraph (You could sap out 'vision for gaze in one paragraph), but it's MUCH less noticeable this time around. The lore is much more integrated into your text and instead of info-dumping about the world, you're giving us bits of the system and the mechanics but this time around, it's not a huge chunk of text breaking up the main story. I also don't recall the part explaining the sanctuary places in the first edition of the first chapter. I could have very well missed it, but I really like it's inclusion and it makes me understand the next few chapters a lot better.
Ch 2: Only a few minor complaints here.
'
Before I could even fully process the bizarre messages, a deafening scream erupted from outside the restroom, followed by another and another'
This sentence is just a little awkward, specifically the bold part, and I can't really place why.
If it were me, I'd probably rewrite it to something along these lines.
"Before I could fully process the bizarre messages, a deafening scream erupted from outside the restroom, before abruptly being cut off. There was a pause, before a symphony of agonized wails echoed in the corridor."
Your mileage may vary, as this may just be a feature of my own personal writing tastes.
I still don't care for the info dump about the stats, but I do understand that it may be better for the sake of the story for you to dump them all in the 2nd chapter, then be continuously explaining them and breaking up the action. Again, I'm not usually a lit rpg type reader, so this may be completely standard and I'm just not aware of it. I also don't personally know how I'd go about working in the stat information without it becoming really wonky in the text, so I don't think there's anything you can improve on here. Maybe someone else can weigh in on that part.
The descriptions of Kei levelling up is INCREDIBLE! It is SO much better then the previous iteration. The descriptive text is beautiful and evocative, His vitality and strength stat's description sounds like how I feel when I take my first drink of my morning Red Bull :P
CH3: This chapter still remains rather comical to me. The idea of Kei beating a zombie to death with a trash can just sends me every time. I think the first two chapters work together with the rest of the story now and it seems much more cohesive.
My only other recommendation is once you have your story completed, to look for a beta writer to help you with fine tuning the finished product. They are much more skilled in analysis and story editing then I am.
You had asked if I had any works you'd be interested in checking out. I only currently have the one story, which is a snarky coming of age dramady about my MC going from a sheltered homeschool kid to a functioning adult, while dealing with her mental health struggles. That is decidedly not everyone's cup of tea and it covers some very dark topics like self-harm recovery, religious and generational trauma.
If that sounds like something you'd like to read, you are more then welcome to check it out, but I also understand if that's not something you'd be interested in. I never want people to read my work out of a feeling of obligation, especially with it dealing with such triggering topics.
'My name is Faith Elizabeth Samuels. Well, it used to be, before I left my fundamentalist helicopter parents and started going by Luna... My counselor tells me writing will help me to 'heal'. Somehow, writing my feelings of depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts will negate a...
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