Can you give my novel some of your precious wisdom
Zenon was expelled from the magic school that he had been studying for two years. He was deemed as 'Talentless' by his peers and professor alike. However, Zenon's life changed when he came across a fortunate accident that changed his life for better or worse. He obtained an Ancient Magic...
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Sorry for taking so long, I was busy and lazy, very lazy. Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter
ONE, first half of chapter
TWO (A)
, and skimmed through the second half of chapter T
WO (A)
The reason why I skimmed through the second half is because I didn't see any improvements. With this out of the way, I want to NOT talk about worldbuilding and plot. I didn't read enough to form any opinion on it.
But I can mention your MC and talk about him. He doesn't feel like a proper living human. At first, everything was okay, but the more I was reading, the more he turned into a simple function, an author's device. This isn't good unless you specifically go after this effect, but based on everything else, it's not your case. You simply failed to make him humane and alive. It's not even about him being one-dimensional or two-dimensional. There are no dimensions, so to speak.
Now I can talk about the way you write, your prose, grammar, etc. It's not good. First, I will mention things that are the most objective and easy to fix. Typos. I found a bunch.
in the academ
y. he was 18 years of age when
‘What the? Where is the title of this book
?’he thought
‘This is weird
?’Zenon
behind his word
s.” typo
‘What is happenin
g?”He
emotions
?’However,
Another thing I found, and I don't know if I missed something, or it's a mistake, or I don't know.
First, you write
“So, it's true,” Zenon said disbelief was plastered on his face.
In the next paragraph you write
Noah closed his eyes and wanted to fully confirm everything.
What? Noah? Who is Noah?
My favorite(not) thing, weird phrases. This one isn't objective, but I'm fairly sure it's not okay to leave everything as is. Here are a couple of examples.
However, he was hit by reality like a flaming ball of fire so strong that instantly shattered his hope and dreams. I'm fairly sure you missed out on some punctuation here.
Inside the chest, a wave of nostalgia washed over Zenon as he uncovered his childhood treasures: Maybe write "
opening the chest"? Or maybe
"after opening a chest"?
He read the first page with careful thought and wanted to understand it fully. Simply phrased weirdly. With careful thought? Dunno man.
Top of Form He couldn't help but smile at the realization. I have zero idea what is the meaning of this phrase.
There were a couple more, but I won't put all of them here since it will take a lot of time.
Another problem is rare, but I found it in synopsis and text. Repetitions.
He looked to his left, right, inside, and outside the chest,
yet, after making an effort to find it, he found nothing.
However, Zenon's
life changed when he came across a fortunate accident
that changed his life for better or worse.
Some repetitions in your text were okay, but these two, I don't think there is any reason to keep them in the text.
And here are a bunch of miscellaneous mistakes. It's not like they appear once, but at the same time, they don't plague your novel. Plus, there are more important problems I found and want to address, so I will mention everything here briefly.
A year had passed since he was kicked out of the academy. When he suddenly received a message from a rainbow-colored magical bird called Rainbow Phoenix. This should either be a single sentence or should be rewritten.
"What is happening?" he asked aloud, This part should be a separate paragraph.
As he concentrated,
a peculiar and unexpected surge of
unfamiliar knowledge forced its way into his mind, Too many adjectives.
but there were subtle differences that marked the passage of time.
The town's classic houses, cobblestone streets, and warm lighting
remained the same, preserving its traditional charm. You talk about differences and follow it up with the things that are the same. Why? You never mention what has changed.
And this is where I can actually start talking about serious problems. Your descriptions. They are bad. Either badly written and doesn't actually add to the story, like the part with the town above, or you simply don't include them. This is tightly entwined with another problem, your story is way too info-dumpy, it is called exposition heavy I think?
He learned that the first page of the grimoire was a technique or an exercise of how to precisely control the mana inside the body and surrounding environment. This is where you should make a more natural description instead of simply info-dumping. The whole paragraph and the part before it should be rewritten.
For example, a “Transmutation Mage” Same as previous case.
The locals wore simple, comfortable cotton clothing, while travelers and adventurers wore more expensive attire made from linen or silk, reflecting their professions. Zenon's sharp eye allowed him to identify their backgrounds and paths. This is the best example since I can show you a rewrite.
Working all kinds of jobs made Zenon more keen. He learned that when observing others one should look at something more than clothes. It didn't take a special skill for a person to identify those who wore simple cotton clothing as locals. The trick was in correctly identifying those rare birds who dressed more lavishly.
Like that group who heatedly discussed something with the tavern owner. They were dressed in linen and silk. The locals might mistake them for traveling merchants, but Zenon quickly noticed their rugged hands, marked with callouses. A mark of an adventure.
'Let's not get into any trouble' thinking like that he moved slightly to the side.
Compare the two. In your example, you tell me, a reader, about Zenon's skill. In my example, I show his skill. Is my example godly and you should use it? No. I simply wanted to show the direction. And I wanted to show what you CAN do with description, to enhance the characterization. Like, if you decide to describe the adventurers as a rowdy bunch, the way Zenon acts will either make him smart or stupid, weak or strong. And this is a single example.
You might think that what I want will be a lot longer, and it is true. But you shouldn't take it as a standalone. The whole text should be changed so the rewrite would flow more smoothly. Trim the unnecessary exposition, cut away unnecessary actions, and unnecessary descriptions. Intertwine the necessary descriptions with Zenon's actions, and make him react to the world around him more naturally.
Another problem. Is, he did this, he did that, he did this. Very dry action that serves little purpose and doesn't flow. It's choppy.
The best examples are the following paragraphs.
He coughed after taking in a large amount of dust that accumulated in the attic. He coughed, he realized, he made, he closed.
Here is a rewrite.
"Cough-cough." He coughed after inhaling a large amount of dust that accumulated in the attic. "Cough. This isn't the best place to concentrate on anything."
A minute later he was already standing in the small room, dusting himself off.
No reason to talk about a trap door or a small wooden ladder if it's not integral to the scene and plot. But if you want to, you can always write something like this.
Descending the small, shaky wooden ladder Zenon didn't forget to shut the trap door tightly.
I don't like how I wrote it, but again, I want to show the direction. Like playing around with his inner or audible monologues. Where he comments on things rather than the narrator doing it. He reacts to stuff that happens to him, like dusting himself off, since the attic is dusty. Or, you can go the opposite way, and write how he DIDN'T dust himself off because his mind was occupied with the book. Again, play around with it. It doesn't even need to be about dust. Don't simply TELL me how one thing followed another via Narrator. I want to see the dominoes falling.
Zenon took a shower and then headed outside because he was hungry. This paragraph is both choppy and has the thing I mentioned before, unnecessary descriptions. The stuff about the sky is a generic and very cheap method to make it look deep or add a meaning when there is no actual meaning or depth. I would rather have you cut it out, and rewrite some exposition.
Anyway.
After taking a shower, Zenon was met with an unforeseen problem. There was no food in his grandfather's house. You don't simply state he is hungry. You can spin the previous scene where he meditated for a long time, to explain that he has no food. He has no food, what he should do? Go to the tavern of course! Or you can do something differently. Again, what I want to say is, connect the story more tightly. One thing follows the other. There are consequences for action and inaction. Sometimes it's good to follow up on those consequences, and it will make the story a bit more cohesive, logical, and life-like.
And this is it for my feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1.75 stars. I really wanted to rate it higher, but I don't think I can justify doing it, sorry. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.
english ain’t my first language too, this is the first story i’m set to complete. i’m curious about what you think about my story. You can leave feedback in this thread, I don’t really mind
