Looking for feedback on my ongoing novel Bestial Insania

[Sool_Jim]

What areas do I need to improve on? Thank you in advance!

Bestial Insania

In the world of Azistére, humans co-exist with Beasts. Even though humans have been able to tame beasts, there is the occasional outbreak of Bestial Insania, a disease that predominantly affects beasts, with rare cases of human infection, causing them to act violently. However, a dramatic surge...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

What areas do I need to improve on? Thank you in advance!

Bestial Insania

In the world of Azistére, humans co-exist with Beasts. Even though humans have been able to tame beasts, there is the occasional outbreak of Bestial Insania, a disease that predominantly affects beasts, with rare cases of human infection, causing them to act violently. However, a dramatic surge...

www.scribblehub.com

Wassup? It is I... unasked for and definitely unknown by any other name!
Definitely a Shonen premise. It almost feels like a literary adaptation of an anime. Which is, for sure, not a bad thing. It definitely appeals to its own section of writers. I already have a pretty good idea of the characters and I enjoy the imagery you have going on. I can definitely feel the fleshed-out scene you have in your mind.
I can almost feel you waiting for that "but..." I'll stop, I'll stop. So, I do have a few major criticisms. First off, the descriptions are just are smack dab amidst the paragraphs. There is little to no connection between them and the other information. It is not smoothly placed. To compare it with something, it's almost like putting a Pokemon profile description for each character after they are introduced. What needs to be done is the characteristics need to be introduced slowly, along with the movement of the main character's POV. What I mean is that instead of this: <“You’re late,” chides the dorm master, a sophisticated, lean, middle-aged man with vibrant amber eyes and auburn hair, “Did you, perchance, find the map confusing?”> you should instead put yourself in your main character's shoes, like so in this revised sentence: <“You’re late,” chides the dorm master. My eyes frantically look away from the imposing, sophisticated man in the seat facing me. In spite of reaching the years of a middle-aged man, he looks as lively as a teenager, with fiercely vibrant, amber eyes and auburn hair. “Did you, perchance, find the map confusing?” he said drolly, with unfortunately none of that youthful enthusiasm on his face.>
Now, I will admit that was a difficult thing to do. You generally want to keep profiles to a minimum, to be used sparingly and with a maximum impact. So I would recommend using them less, because people generally do not enjoy paragraphs of character profiles like I do.
Also, there is far too much exposition that could be revealed throughout the story. Take the time to ease the reader into it.
And most importantly, the story needs to be fleshed out. We are just jumping from place-to-place, without really focusing on each scene like the story. Impatience is doing it a disservice right now. Just take the time in each scene. Give them the impact they deserve. Break things up into sentences and really flesh out the interactions instead of leaping to the next tasty bit of action. Time skips, at least personally, should be avoided at the moment. We have barely received characterization. We know his profile, but it is his actions and his choices in tandem with thoughts as he socializes where we would truly get to know, and hopefully, sympathize.
Edit: Oh, and by the way, the disproportionate amount of criticisms to compliments is by no means representative of the proportions of successes and issues in your story. There are lots of great parts about it.

 

[greyblob]

the character is telling us how he feels not what he feels.

consider this:

I avert my gaze, wanting to hide my flushed face.

>the why should be inferred from context not laid out directly. why did he avert his gaze? he was flustered so embarrassment.

Blood rushed to my face. I coughed in my hand and turned my gaze

I take a step inside the room. Looking around, I take a quick examination of the spacious room.

>(1)he stepped inside. what next? he looks around. It doesn't have to be explicitly told. follow the movement of the character and describe what they see.
(2) why was he relieved? was he nervous? afraid of crowds? create some build up to emphasize his anxiousness, and sneak some details while you're at it.

(1)I followed the dorm master into a spacious room. (insert room description here). At the center of the room, a table was set. There were only three chairs occupied. Relief washed over me when I saw Vivian sitting among them.

A round of applause follows my self-introduction. I’m satisfied with how I presented myself.

>feels very robotic. again, don't tell my how he feels.

A round of applause followed my self-introduction. I couldn't help but smile, even if my heart was trying to burst from my chest. I didn't know what I'd do if I had stuttered.

hope this helps somehow. I think most of the fundamentals are there. consider your characters and try describing what they see and how they feel. it'll make for a much more enjoyable reading experience.

 

[Sool_Jim]

Wassup? It is I... unasked for and definitely unknown by any other name!
Definitely a Shonen premise. It almost feels like a literary adaptation of an anime. Which is, for sure, not a bad thing. It definitely appeals to its own section of writers. I already have a pretty good idea of the characters and I enjoy the imagery you have going on. I can definitely feel the fleshed-out scene you have in your mind.
I can almost feel you waiting for that "but..." I'll stop, I'll stop. So, I do have a few major criticisms. First off, the descriptions are just are smack dab amidst the paragraphs. There is little to no connection between them and the other information. It is not smoothly placed. To compare it with something, it's almost like putting a Pokemon profile description for each character after they are introduced. What needs to be done is the characteristics need to be introduced slowly, along with the movement of the main character's POV. What I mean is that instead of this: <“You’re late,” chides the dorm master, a sophisticated, lean, middle-aged man with vibrant amber eyes and auburn hair, “Did you, perchance, find the map confusing?”> you should instead put yourself in your main character's shoes, like so in this revised sentence: <“You’re late,” chides the dorm master. My eyes frantically look away from the imposing, sophisticated man in the seat facing me. In spite of reaching the years of a middle-aged man, he looks as lively as a teenager, with fiercely vibrant, amber eyes and auburn hair. “Did you, perchance, find the map confusing?” he said drolly, with unfortunately none of that youthful enthusiasm on his face.>
Now, I will admit that was a difficult thing to do. You generally want to keep profiles to a minimum, to be used sparingly and with a maximum impact. So I would recommend using them less, because people generally do not enjoy paragraphs of character profiles like I do.
Also, there is far too much exposition that could be revealed throughout the story. Take the time to ease the reader into it.
And most importantly, the story needs to be fleshed out. We are just jumping from place-to-place, without really focusing on each scene like the story. Impatience is doing it a disservice right now. Just take the time in each scene. Give them the impact they deserve. Break things up into sentences and really flesh out the interactions instead of leaping to the next tasty bit of action. Time skips, at least personally, should be avoided at the moment. We have barely received characterization. We know his profile, but it is his actions and his choices in tandem with thoughts as he socializes where we would truly get to know, and hopefully, sympathize.
Edit: Oh, and by the way, the disproportionate amount of criticisms to compliments is by no means representative of the proportions of successes and issues in your story. There are lots of great parts about it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and giving me much needed criticism and not only sugar coated praises <3

Your rewriting makes me realise I still have miles to go before i can be considered an adequate writer.

(Sry for the late reply)

the character is telling us how he feels not what he feels.

consider this:

>the why should be inferred from context not laid out directly. why did he avert his gaze? he was flustered so embarrassment.




>(1)he stepped inside. what next? he looks around. It doesn't have to be explicitly told. follow the movement of the character and describe what they see.
(2) why was he relieved? was he nervous? afraid of crowds? create some build up to emphasize his anxiousness, and sneak some details while you're at it.





>feels very robotic. again, don't tell my how he feels.



hope this helps somehow. I think most of the fundamentals are there. consider your characters and try describing what they see and how they feel. it'll make for a much more enjoyable reading experience.

Thank you for reading it and giving me much needed criticism and not false sweet words which could hamper my development ?

I have a long way to goas a writer, especially my 'show don't tell skills' ?

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

It's so awesome that you are putting so much effort into your writing skills. I struggled, and struggle, a lot with showing and not telling myself. I've come a long way, and I have a very long way to go. Have a blast forging your path and know that your writing, while it can always be improved and constructively criticized, is equally deserving of sweet, sweet praises! Even if I didn't do a good job of putting them in my text.