Hello! Would like to point out a few things:
First, you should stick to one tense throughout your entire work. For example, if you intend your story to be past tense (a lot of novels use past tense, btw), then use past tense.
The only exception to this are the dialogues of the characters, and their thoughts. Those are always in present tense, no matter how many eons have passed since they said that.
Second, use quotation marks ( " " ) whenever you intend to write a character's dialogue. I agree with another comment here that the story's conversation read more like a script than a novel, so if you aim to make it a novel, use quotation marks instead.
Do not use dash (-) to denote a dialogue.
Third, be mindful of your capitalizations and punctuation marks. A lot of your sentences started in lower case, and some of them used wrong punctuations.
Yes, be mindful of that because there are readers who are picky about what they read. And, if you really are serious about writing, do mind these 'little' but important details.
Fourth, knowing when to 'chop' a chapter can also help. A lot of readers nowadays are intimidated by a wall of text, no matter how short a chapter may be. So using a paragraph to separate your ideas and scenes, as well as not to overwhelm your readers, might help.
Don't worry, these mistakes are common in beginner writers, so don't feel bad about what you did. We learn as we go through our paths, and I think it's more important than keeping airs.
Now, it's good that you ask questions to improve. I admit there are a few here that might not know how to give corrections in a 'gentle' manner, but they don't mean harm. So yeah, don't be intimidated and continue on improving.
Would also like to give you a recommendation, since this app helped me a lot.
While I always try to edit my works on my own, I still use ProWritingAid to spot errors I may have missed.
Yes, it has a premium feature. However, I only use the free version, and it's helpful already. Do check it out.
(This ain't a paid promotion.)
