Chapter 1 of a New Series-Part 1

[YeshuasHeart]

What do you think about my first chapter of the series? Is my character or writing style bad? If it is, how can I improve it?

 

[Premier]

You muddle the sentences a bit too much and there's a lot of passive voice.

"Fear helped her heart pounded hard and widened her brown eyes."

Would read a lot better if the action (Fear) came after the subject (Her Heart)

"Brown eyes wide, her heart pounded from fear."

Similarly

"The gunfire stopped echoing in the halls,"

is weaker than

"The halls stopped echoing with gunfire,"

Subject first, then action.



The Beginning also has a long string of "She did this. She did that" that bleeds the tension out. People start to skip if sentences keep starting the same way.

"She dashed towards the door and slowly opened it, sticking her head out. She looked both ways. She only saw big windows and a stairway in the middle of the wall."

Following that, you add in the halls were empty, which breaks up the focus on where the walls lead (Which is where she needs to go next) to explain that no one is about. No one is about should come first, so you end on the lead-in to her next action.

"No one was roaming the halls, not even a school administrator in sight. The stairway stood near Hanna from the Girl's bathroom, which led to the first floor."

Rewrote both as.

"Hanna dashed towards the door and slowly opened it, sticking her head out. Not even a school administrator was in sight. She only saw empty halls lined with enormous windows and the stairway down to the first floor beside the Girl's bathroom."

Could still use some polish, Verbs ending with -ly are usually better replaced with something more evocative like the "Slowly" in the first sentence.

"Hanna dashed towards the door and opened it like she was trying to sneak out of class. Peeking her head out into the corridor, not even a school administrator was in sight. She only saw empty halls lined with enormous windows and the stairway down to the first floor beside the Girl's bathroom."




It's a little annoying to type this all out from images so I'll stop there, but hopefully that helps!

 

[YeshuasHeart]

You muddle the sentences a bit too much and there's a lot of passive voice.

"Fear helped her heart pounded hard and widened her brown eyes."

Would read a lot better if the action (Fear) came after the subject (Her Heart)

"Brown eyes wide, her heart pounded from fear."

Similarly

"The gunfire stopped echoing in the halls,"

is weaker than

"The halls stopped echoing with gunfire,"

Subject first, then action.



The Beginning also has a long string of "She did this. She did that" that bleeds the tension out. People start to skip if sentences keep starting the same way.

"She dashed towards the door and slowly opened it, sticking her head out. She looked both ways. She only saw big windows and a stairway in the middle of the wall."

Following that, you add in the halls were empty, which breaks up the focus on where the walls lead (Which is where she needs to go next) to explain that no one is about. No one is about should come first, so you end on the lead-in to her next action.

"No one was roaming the halls, not even a school administrator in sight. The stairway stood near Hanna from the Girl's bathroom, which led to the first floor."

Rewrote both as.

"Hanna dashed towards the door and slowly opened it, sticking her head out. Not even a school administrator was in sight. She only saw empty halls lined with enormous windows and the stairway down to the first floor beside the Girl's bathroom."

Could still use some polish, Verbs ending with -ly are usually better replaced with something more evocative like the "Slowly" in the first sentence.

"Hanna dashed towards the door and opened it like she was trying to sneak out of class. Peeking her head out into the corridor, not even a school administrator was in sight. She only saw empty halls lined with enormous windows and the stairway down to the first floor beside the Girl's bathroom."




It's a little annoying to type this all out from images so I'll stop there, but hopefully that helps!

I finished rewriting a new version of my chapter. So what do you think?

 

[Premier]

I think you give away what's happening far too early. Part of the early hook is wondering what's going on. Shots in a school are already enough to draw people in and it'd be more interesting if you drew out the reason she was moving toward them a little. I'd save the revelation of the shooters until she actually finds what's causing the shots.

You could also draw out her transformation, too. Her moving toward the shots is already a curious thing for people to wonder about. Why would she do that? Does she have a plan? Then the planned transformation can hit closer to when it actually happens than be foreshadowed so much.

 

[YeshuasHeart]

I think you give away what's happening far too early. Part of the early hook is wondering what's going on. Shots in a school are already enough to draw people in and it'd be more interesting if you drew out the reason she was moving toward them a little. I'd save the revelation of the shooters until she actually finds what's causing the shots.

You could also draw out her transformation, too. Her moving toward the shots is already a curious thing for people to wonder about. Why would she do that? Does she have a plan? Then the planned transformation can hit closer to when it actually happens than be foreshadowed so much.

Okay, so do I keep the original over this one? If not, how do I give my Mc a reason for her actions?

 

[Premier]

I think the original had a better start, as it built some tension. It’s a little hard to keep track with all the writing in different image files for some reason.