Okay. Not a lot of time here, ButI'm gonna give my first impressions.
Your use of spacing is terrible.
I feel like I'm being assaulted, Like I'm getting hit with a machine gun and you are rapid firing your sentences at me. I know you feel like the spacing breaks things up, but it actually just makes it all seem uniform. My eyes have a hard time following the writing because you are... how do I put it? Droning. You are droning.
You are like a professor who is teaching a class and speaking in a flat emotionless tone, from a visual perspective. I can't figure out from looking at your story where my eyes are supposed to go. I read through your prologue and it has some variation, but I don't really have a "feel" of the flow of things.
If you are going with single spacing, then you need paragraph indents. You really need it. That way where you have parts of the story that are not intended to be paragraphs, like:
[Congratulations, you have been bestowed upon three Unique Skills.]
[Harmless Sweetie gained.]
[Magical Companions gained.]
[Toymaker gained.]
[Set to reincarnate to the SSS-Class danger world—Magamundo.]
It doesn't blend in. This section shouldn't have indents, whereas every other paragraph should, but because you have NO indents, mentally every paragraph is on the same level as these lines. They shouldn't.
Consider double spacing to break up important sections. Like before the above quote and after should be double spacing to set it apart.
Also, you have some lines all by themselves that clearly should be in a paragraph. Don't be afraid of a wall of text, as long as you frame it properly. if everything of a given subject needs to be together, put it together.
I am a reader. Reading is a mental exercise. You need to GUIDE my eyes. You need to let my eyes rest. You need to help me focus and let me know when I can pause and reflect. I have no idea where in your prologue I can stop to think about what I just read at any point of the story. I HAVE TO read that section from beginning to end without pause. You have made reading the prologue a sprint. It is a prologue. It should be a comfortable stroll. I should enjoy my stroll, pausing to smell the flowers and enjoy the scenery. I should not feel like "DAMN, I HAVE TO GET THIS OVER WITH."
So, before I do anything else, right off the bat I suggest you work on your pacing, and visual use of empty space.
I'll make a note to come back and make comments on the actual content later when I have time.
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"Ah…"
A kneeling woman inside of a circle of harrowing ground sighed. Her dark-blue hair flowed beautifully in the wind, twinkling as the moonlight reflected off of it. She smiled, though this smile was not a happy one, it was one of pure despair.
Okay. Lets move onto your opening. Normally you would have a single line as your opener, but you have "Ah..."
THAT. IS. TERRIBLE.
Your first line, is the ONLY LINE MOST PEOPLE WILL READ. If I was thinking about reading this book and I got past your cover page, and I opened up to "Ah..." I would close the page, move on, and never look back. However, this isn't the opener. Your opener is three lines. That is 2 lines too many.. YOU LIVE AND DIE ON YOUR OPENER.
Your opener is really:
A kneeling woman inside of a circle of harrowing ground sighed.
Okay. We have a woman. She is surrounded by danger. She isn't worried about the danger. She is merely sighing. Her sigh is an "Ah..." as in a sigh of revelation. She has realized something while she is in this area of danger. She is encircled by death.
or is she?
Her dark-blue hair flowed beautifully in the wind, twinkling as the moonlight reflected off of it.
Huh? WHAT THE FUCK? I have a woman IN PERIL and you are telling me about how her hair flows beautifully in the wind? Moonlight reflecting off it? WHAT? SHE IS SURROUNDED BY HARROWING GROUND. SHE IS SIGHING WITH REVELATION. WHY DO I CARE ABOUT HER HAIR?
How does her hair reflect the situation? What is her hair telling me? If THIS was the opening line, I'd be thinking, The protagonist is someone beautiful in a situation where it is night and there is something romantic going on.
She smiled, though this smile was not a happy one, it was one of pure despair.
Okay... we have the classic bitter smile of irony. However, is this really PURE despair? Really? She just had a sigh of revelation. She should be having a moment of reflection as she contemplates how she got into this terrible situation. If she is truly experiencing PURE despair, then she has NOTHING BUT DESPAIR. There is no time for self-reflection for she has lost all hope. There is nothing left. It is the BOTTOM and there is nothing else. How can she have a moment of revelation AND be PURE despair? You cannot have both.
This is a hodge-podge of nice sounding words that are put together to make me think this is deep, but if I spend any time thinking about it, I have way more questions ABOUT the meta then the story itself. Here, look at this.
Toshi stopped walking as he tried to figure out where the planet went.
This is the opener to Flip The Script. What does it tell you?
Toshi is our MC. He was walking and in the middle of his walk, something happened to make him stop. No action took place against him. He didn't fall. He didn't pass out. One step, walking, then not walking. Why?
He was trying to figure out where the planet went.
Not, where Am I? But something has happened that has caused him to wonder, "WHERE IS THE PLANET I WAS WALKING ON?" He was somewhere that in his current location he not only wasn't on the ground anymore, but he was somewhere he couldn't tell there was a PLANET anymore.
Tell me, are you curious as to what happened to the planet? Are you wondering who Toshi is and why he is in this situation? Do you have any concern for the MC? Do you want to know what happens to him? Can you relate to being in a situation where your entire universe is turned upside down with no warning?
Are you thinking of reading the next paragraph to find out more? At least ONE more paragraph, maybe?
He looked around and found himself in a giant, formless, white space. No horizon. No ground. No sky. It was like he was floating in a blank web page. Thinking hard, he tried to remember the last thing that happened, ~I was walking across the street. It was late. I was trying to make my way home from work. Then...~ He glanced around and muttered to himself, "Something happened?"
This is the equivalent to the three lines you have after "Ah..." We have his new situation. He is floating in endless white space. He's not about to die, he's just lost all frame of reference. We get his mindset, "~I was walking...~ And we learn about our MC. He is THINKING and we see his thoughts and how he reacts. He isn't panicking. He isn't freaking out. He is reviewing the situation and trying to solve the problem. We get a glimpse of his personality. How does he deal with the absolutely insane and impossible? He thinks. Then, as his thinking fails him, he speaks out loud. This shows he isn't unflappable. He is starting to freak out. Slowly. He begins with talking to himself. His grasp on reality is shaky so he needs to hear something, even if it is his own voice. He is slowly creeping towards a panic attack, but it is a slow process.
What do we know about your MC?
We have contradictory information and we don't even know her name. We have a beautiful girl who is surrounded by danger who has given up and lost all hope. She's a LOSER. She's LOST. She has been defeated. She is pathetic. The only think I find appealing about her is the fact that her hair looks nice in the moonlight.
Is this the case? I dunno. I have only your opener to go off of. Am I making a lot of assumptions?
YUP.
Guess what? Your readers will make a lot of assumptions as well. I don't know what you INTENDED, but what I am THINKING is what matters. It doesn't matter what you write. What matters is what your audience READS. You want to get more readers?
FIX YOUR OPENER.
On the other hand, don't lie. Don't make an opener that misleads me. Your opener should reflect the story. If your story is about a beautiful woman who has hair that looks nice in the moonlight who has lost and given up, then the opener should reflect that. Don't LIE to your reader, but if the story is different, then you need to fix this.
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