Hi, i am new here and would love to have feedback regarding a new story i am writing!

[kingsky123]

Hi everyone,

I am new to the world of writing and having works written on such a site. I would love to have feedback regarding my writing and my stories.

I have written a chapter and i hope it is captivating enough for people to want more.

Hymn for the purple ones

The world is dying, powerful mega-corporations have saddled the world with a cancer. However, a researcher discovers a race of people that has the ability to reverse the damage done to the planet at the cost of their freedom and lives. This is their tale. A tale about living in...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Lloyd]

Not my kind of story. But you should make or get a cover. It will help.

 

[Deleted member 57675]

Interesting

 

[RepresentingCaution]

Not my kind of story. But you should make or get a cover. It will help.

Don't forget that a good cover needs waifus!

 

[ThockyKeyboard]

Don't forget that a good cover needs waifus!

This answer exactly!!! Most reader-san here are searching for their next wifu's so one way to attract readers is to put honey(smut) on yer cover!

 

[2021]

alot of character talking
little much

 

[ThockyKeyboard]

Like @2021 said there's a lot of dialogues, not that it's bad but if you want to hook your readers you need to add more context and not just dialogues. Also I think with how your first chapter looks it's best to upload three chapters+ to net in more readers, 'cause again there's not much context that'll tie me to stay and read. I suggest you observe and read The Perfect Run's first chapter, I'm guessing that you're attempting something similar to The Perfect Run's first chapter?

Anastasia took off her hood, revealing her beautiful purple hair, a trademark of the cloistered ones. It was risky for Anastasia to purchase snacks just moments after escaping from her pursuers, but she knew how much her little sister loved them.

I highly recommend that you make all of your paragraphs to hug the left side and don't add tab, since you're pretty inconsistent about it, you'll have to choose between adding tab or not, if you switch between the two it'll annoy your readers.

Col. Lambda

I would just write colonel Lambda through the entire thing, shortening it to Col. disturb the reading flow.

“Please! We don’t want to go back. It’s horrible back there, so tiring, it’s too much!” pleaded Anastasia. Talia nodded as well, huddled behind her sister. She could not fully comprehend what was going on, but knew that it was not good.

I would've made this Talia's dialogue instead of Anastasia's. The way the sentence sounded felt like someone younger and with more innocence would say.

Also you can try using Canva to make your novel covers, it's a free app you could use.

 

[Deleted member 54065]

Hi everyone,

I am new to the world of writing and having works written on such a site. I would love to have feedback regarding my writing and my stories.

I have written a chapter and i hope it is captivating enough for people to want more.

Hymn for the purple ones

The world is dying, powerful mega-corporations have saddled the world with a cancer. However, a researcher discovers a race of people that has the ability to reverse the damage done to the planet at the cost of their freedom and lives. This is their tale. A tale about living in...

www.scribblehub.com

Hello there! I just finished your first chapter and here are my insights...

Take note, I don't comment on the pace, theme and the story itself. First is because, it's only a single chapter up. Second is that, if ever you got several chapters in, I don't want to comment on the technique of the author in storytelling, unless he/she specifically asked me for it. My reason is because, I don't want to 'kill' the creative side of the author, especially on storytelling.

Now then, I'll just comment on your work on the technical side.

Your English is good. I mean, I could understand what you wanted to show on the scenes of your chapter. However, what is glaring to me are the punctuation errors, like the ellipsis (…).

1) An ellipsis is used for statements or dialogues that are meant to trail off, or there's something else to follow. In any case, the ellipsis should only be three dots long.

Knock. Knock……….. Knock Knock (example from your work)

Knock. Knock... (correct)

Also, if you end in ellipsis and you meant to follow it, always start with another ellipsis, follow by a non-capitalized word.

Example:
Knock. Knock... …Knock. Knock.

2) Comma. Since your work is dialogue-rich, comma always follows the dialogue before the dialogue tags. Like,

“Piss off” Anastasia shot back (example, copied from your work)

"Piss off," Anastasia shot back. (correct)

Unless you're using question mark (?) or exclamation mark (!), normal dialogues are ended with comma (,) before the dialogue tag, which usually ends in a period (.)

3) Indentions. If you're using an indention, be consistent with it throughout the whole chapter and story. Some readers are picky with their reads, so it's better that you use the same format to all your chapters and volumes (if you have multiple ones).

4) Capitalization. Some words need to be capitalized, like the words at the start of the sentence, and words that are proper nouns. For dialogues, the dialogue tags after it should be not capitalized.

“What are these?” The Colonel asked. (example, copied from your work)

"What are these?" the Colonel asked. (correct)

Also, some readers are picky (again) with their books. They would complain about capitalized words, like in your case, KAIZEN CORP. I know that you wanted to emphasize its name, however, having an 'all caps' word felt like you're shouting at your reader. So it's best that you use the normal 'capitalization' rule in proper nouns. As such, KAIZEN CORP. will become Kaizen Corp.

Another note: it's also my mistake when I was beginning as an author, but yes, there are readers who don't prefer the 'all caps' words even if they denote strong emotions, like shouting. It's best that you use dialogue tags to tell the readers that they are shouting, instead of showing that by typing in all caps.

5) The dialogues. If you're working on a dialogue-rich work, it'd be best to separate the lines of the dialogues spoken by two different people. The reason is so that the readers won't be confused. For example:

“…Yes” “And yet you still hide them from us?” (copied from your work)

"...yes."

"And yet, you still hide them from us?" (correct)

Suggestion: there are some sentences in your work that sounds awkward. It'd be best if you use apps like Grammarly or ProWritingAid to check on your work. It's free anyway (for basic proofreading), and a great 'side-effect' of using these apps is that you'll also learn English every time you get corrected.

Now then, I hope this feedback helps you. Writing is fun; however, you need to constantly polish your work because it'll be a reflection on you as an author.

Some points I'd like to suggest.

Since you're writing an online novel, it'd be best to make use of formatting. For example, bold typeface meant that the author or the character is emphasizing the word, same effects with underline. Italicized meant that it's either a new word, sounds, or the thoughts of the character.

Also, avoid abbreviating words. An example for this is 'Col. Lambda'. You can refer to him as either 'Colonel Lambda', or 'the colonel'.

Oh, I forgot to add...

The story is interesting, by the way. Would love to give you a (free) cover, however, my hands are full as of the moment.

 

[kingsky123]

Hello there! I just finished your first chapter and here are my insights...

Take note, I don't comment on the pace, theme and the story itself. First is because, it's only a single chapter up. Second is that, if ever you got several chapters in, I don't want to comment on the technique of the author in storytelling, unless he/she specifically asked me for it. My reason is because, I don't want to 'kill' the creative side of the author, especially on storytelling.

Now then, I'll just comment on your work on the technical side.

Your English is good. I mean, I could understand what you wanted to show on the scenes of your chapter. However, what is glaring to me are the punctuation errors, like the ellipsis (…).

1) An ellipsis is used for statements or dialogues that are meant to trail off, or there's something else to follow. In any case, the ellipsis should only be three dots long.

Knock. Knock……….. Knock Knock (example from your work)

Knock. Knock... (correct)

Also, if you end in ellipsis and you meant to follow it, always start with another ellipsis, follow by a non-capitalized word.

Example:
Knock. Knock... …Knock. Knock.

2) Comma. Since your work is dialogue-rich, comma always follows the dialogue before the dialogue tags. Like,

“Piss off” Anastasia shot back (example, copied from your work)

"Piss off," Anastasia shot back. (correct)

Unless you're using question mark (?) or exclamation mark (!), normal dialogues are ended with comma (,) before the dialogue tag, which usually ends in a period (.)

3) Indentions. If you're using an indention, be consistent with it throughout the whole chapter and story. Some readers are picky with their reads, so it's better that you use the same format to all your chapters and volumes (if you have multiple ones).

4) Capitalization. Some words need to be capitalized, like the words at the start of the sentence, and words that are proper nouns. For dialogues, the dialogue tags after it should be not capitalized.

“What are these?” The Colonel asked. (example, copied from your work)

"What are these?" the Colonel asked. (correct)

Also, some readers are picky (again) with their books. They would complain about capitalized words, like in your case, KAIZEN CORP. I know that you wanted to emphasize its name, however, having an 'all caps' word felt like you're shouting at your reader. So it's best that you use the normal 'capitalization' rule in proper nouns. As such, KAIZEN CORP. will become Kaizen Corp.

Another note: it's also my mistake when I was beginning as an author, but yes, there are readers who don't prefer the 'all caps' words even if they denote strong emotions, like shouting. It's best that you use dialogue tags to tell the readers that they are shouting, instead of showing that by typing in all caps.

5) The dialogues. If you're working on a dialogue-rich work, it'd be best to separate the lines of the dialogues spoken by two different people. The reason is so that the readers won't be confused. For example:

“…Yes” “And yet you still hide them from us?” (copied from your work)

"...yes."

"And yet, you still hide them from us?" (correct)

Suggestion: there are some sentences in your work that sounds awkward. It'd be best if you use apps like Grammarly or ProWritingAid to check on your work. It's free anyway (for basic proofreading), and a great 'side-effect' of using these apps is that you'll also learn English every time you get corrected.

Now then, I hope this feedback helps you. Writing is fun; however, you need to constantly polish your work because it'll be a reflection on you as an author.

Some points I'd like to suggest.

Since you're writing an online novel, it'd be best to make use of formatting. For example, bold typeface meant that the author or the character is emphasizing the word, same effects with underline. Italicized meant that it's either a new word, sounds, or the thoughts of the character.

Also, avoid abbreviating words. An example for this is 'Col. Lambda'. You can refer to him as either 'Colonel Lambda', or 'the colonel'.

Oh, I forgot to add...

The story is interesting, by the way. Would love to give you a (free) cover, however, my hands are full as of the moment.

thank you again, clearly my work needs alot more polish. i will try again

 

[Deleted member 54065]

thank you again, clearly my work needs alot more polish. i will try again

Try as much as you like until you succeed. ?

 

[Agentt]

Try as much as you like until you succeed. ?

That wink makes this look seductive

 

[Deleted member 54065]

That wink makes this look seductive

Err...I didn't know it looked like that. ?

 

[Agentt]

Err...I didn't know it looked like that. ?

Listen man, with a sigma male like you, we can't afford to do mistakes like that which will earn you an unnecessary harem, increases chances for yanderes

 

[Deleted member 54065]

Listen man, with a sigma male like you, we can't afford to do mistakes like that which will earn you an unnecessary harem, increases chances for yanderes

Seriously though, man, I've dealt with yanderes before...and they're my students.

Not a good experience. One of the reasons why I took studying law later on.

 

[Agentt]

Seriously though, man, I've dealt with yanderes before...and they're my students.

Not a good experience. One of the reasons why I took studying law later on.

Indeed, yanderes....are quite creepy,
Especially sometimes when they try so hard to seduce you but you are like,
"You are just like a daughter to me.'
Mainly I felt that cuz she would flash me her underwear a lot, and...that's just not my kink, so her seduction level went down everytime she did that

 

[Deleted member 54065]

Mainly I felt that cuz she would flash me her underwear a lot, and...that's just not my kink, so her seduction level went down everytime she did that

Had to consult a lawyer friend about that incident similar to yours, though she did it online through Facebook.

Also, there are times that she'd get pissed off at other girls of her class and our school whenever I talk to them (they're my students). And there's this time she trapped me inside a room once to confront me about that...

...and we're not even in an intimate relationship.

Or that time when she'd send me gifts again and again though I already refused (out of ethical consideration).

...

In any case, my apologies to @kingsky123 for hijacking the thread. ?

 

[Agentt]

In any case, my apologies to @kingsky123 for hijacking the thread

Indeed, we scared you newbie, sorry for not posting reviews for your story here

 

[2021]

Hello there! I just finished your first chapter and here are my insights...

Take note, I don't comment on the pace, theme and the story itself. First is because, it's only a single chapter up. Second is that, if ever you got several chapters in, I don't want to comment on the technique of the author in storytelling, unless he/she specifically asked me for it. My reason is because, I don't want to 'kill' the creative side of the author, especially on storytelling.

Now then, I'll just comment on your work on the technical side.

Your English is good. I mean, I could understand what you wanted to show on the scenes of your chapter. However, what is glaring to me are the punctuation errors, like the ellipsis (…).

1) An ellipsis is used for statements or dialogues that are meant to trail off, or there's something else to follow. In any case, the ellipsis should only be three dots long.

Knock. Knock……….. Knock Knock (example from your work)

Knock. Knock... (correct)

Also, if you end in ellipsis and you meant to follow it, always start with another ellipsis, follow by a non-capitalized word.

Example:
Knock. Knock... …Knock. Knock.

2) Comma. Since your work is dialogue-rich, comma always follows the dialogue before the dialogue tags. Like,

“Piss off” Anastasia shot back (example, copied from your work)

"Piss off," Anastasia shot back. (correct)

Unless you're using question mark (?) or exclamation mark (!), normal dialogues are ended with comma (,) before the dialogue tag, which usually ends in a period (.)

3) Indentions. If you're using an indention, be consistent with it throughout the whole chapter and story. Some readers are picky with their reads, so it's better that you use the same format to all your chapters and volumes (if you have multiple ones).

4) Capitalization. Some words need to be capitalized, like the words at the start of the sentence, and words that are proper nouns. For dialogues, the dialogue tags after it should be not capitalized.

“What are these?” The Colonel asked. (example, copied from your work)

"What are these?" the Colonel asked. (correct)

Also, some readers are picky (again) with their books. They would complain about capitalized words, like in your case, KAIZEN CORP. I know that you wanted to emphasize its name, however, having an 'all caps' word felt like you're shouting at your reader. So it's best that you use the normal 'capitalization' rule in proper nouns. As such, KAIZEN CORP. will become Kaizen Corp.

Another note: it's also my mistake when I was beginning as an author, but yes, there are readers who don't prefer the 'all caps' words even if they denote strong emotions, like shouting. It's best that you use dialogue tags to tell the readers that they are shouting, instead of showing that by typing in all caps.

5) The dialogues. If you're working on a dialogue-rich work, it'd be best to separate the lines of the dialogues spoken by two different people. The reason is so that the readers won't be confused. For example:

“…Yes” “And yet you still hide them from us?” (copied from your work)

"...yes."

"And yet, you still hide them from us?" (correct)

Suggestion: there are some sentences in your work that sounds awkward. It'd be best if you use apps like Grammarly or ProWritingAid to check on your work. It's free anyway (for basic proofreading), and a great 'side-effect' of using these apps is that you'll also learn English every time you get corrected.

Now then, I hope this feedback helps you. Writing is fun; however, you need to constantly polish your work because it'll be a reflection on you as an author.

Some points I'd like to suggest.

Since you're writing an online novel, it'd be best to make use of formatting. For example, bold typeface meant that the author or the character is emphasizing the word, same effects with underline. Italicized meant that it's either a new word, sounds, or the thoughts of the character.

Also, avoid abbreviating words. An example for this is 'Col. Lambda'. You can refer to him as either 'Colonel Lambda', or 'the colonel'.

Oh, I forgot to add...

The story is interesting, by the way. Would love to give you a (free) cover, however, my hands are full as of the moment.

Whatever this man said. I’m only b+ grade author

 

[Homuro]

I'd more than happy to do a review swap with you. Be ho est with me and I will do so with you. I want to get nbetter so good or bad feel free to rip me a new one.

 

[Deleted member 54065]

@Homuro Hello there! Pardon me for dropping in, but I read the first chapter of your work.

If you're willing to consider my review, here is my feedback.

1) Your ideas kept on repeating throughout the narrative. For example:

Now my days consist of getting up at the crack of dawn and working until just before sunset. Toiling away so that I can raise as many crops as possible. After all, these fields didn’t supply food for me and Gramps alone, they also provided food for the entire town. A lot of people depend on us and I wasn’t about to let them down, so I bust my ass every day.

Unfortunately, everyone that lives here is poor, with no means to support themselves. All we can do is work the fields to feed our families, but that doesn’t pay anything. If we needed cash, we had to snag the occasional odd job.

We already know--as readers--that the place your MC is working at is poor simply by reading the first paragraph. You don't have to repeat it again on the second, or it becomes redundant and takes away the immersion from the audience.

To fix this, try to reread and reorganize how you would write your chapter. For example, my story would start with telling to the readers where the scene is taking place, then followed by the general 'atmosphere' between the characters involved, then finally, the dialogue (if they have any).

2) The scenes are awkward to read. For example:

I lay on the bed and stretched out, pulling the covers over myself, staring at the ceiling, exhausted from all the change.

I was still in shock over the car crash. The images were burned into my eyes. Even closing them couldn’t shake the images out of my vision. It felt like a constant nightmare.

I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel after losing my parents. I guess I was hoping it was just a dream and I would wake up tomorrow with things back to normal.

I laid there, looking off to nowhere before I slowly drifted to sleep.

I awoke to a loud noise outside my window. A glance at the clock on my nightstand read 2:39 am. I really just wanted to roll back over and go back to sleep.

This part of your story felt like I was reading a to-do list. To fix this, at least try to reconstruct your sentences. Combine the ideas that can be combined, using conjunctions (and, or), and/or punctuations (comma, semi-colon).

3) In connection to the second point I raised, make use of proper scene divisions. For example:

I laid there, looking off to nowhere before I slowly drifted to sleep.

I awoke to a loud noise outside my window. A glance at the clock on my nightstand read 2:39 am. I really just wanted to roll back over and go back to sleep.

The first scene here is when the MC laid on his bed, and drifted to sleep. However, the problem is the next paragraph, in which he was awakened by a loud noise. Grammar-wise, it's okay, however, if you consider the flow of your narrative, it implies that the MC laid on the bed for a few seconds then woke up, which contradicts the first statement that says 'drifted to sleep'--which suggests that he fell asleep for some time.

To remedy this, separate the second part into a new scene.

4) Redundant words. When I read the first chapter, I couldn't help but notice that you keep on using the words 'lived', 'living', 'live'. While it's correct if you look at the grammar and sentence construction, it's kind of distracting to the reader to see the same word being repeated again and again. For this, I recommend you use a thesaurus to look for alternative words for 'lived', 'living' and 'live'.

As for my story, for example, if I ran out of synonyms for a certain word, I'd go alternating the word and its synonym. If I used 'Joyful' in the first sentence, the next one would be 'Happy', and so forth.

5) Punctuations. There are some parts of your story that could use a good punctuation placement, like:

“So, uh….. thank you... Hono, for saving me and my father.”

Instead, you should write: "So, uh...thank you, Hono, for saving me and my father."

You see, in my example, ellipsis (...) is usually used to denote that the speaker had something else to say, or trailed off. If the speaker only paused for a moment, you should use a comma (,). Also, an ellipsis is only composed of three dots (...), no matter how long the speaker trailed off.

6) Capitalization. One of the common mistakes of authors, including me, when we're starting. Usually, when we try to indicate an extreme emotion, like someone shouting, we used to type in ALL CAPS to simulate it. However, some readers are distracted by this style. It is, therefore, recommended that we don't use ALL CAPS whenever there's an extreme emotion or action from the speaker. We only say that the character is shouting through the dialogue tags. For example:

"Shut up!" Main Character screamed. (The underlined phrase is the dialogue tag.)

Other suggestions (Optional)

If you're having difficulty in your editing, you can use Grammarly or ProWritingAid. Both are free and is useful in proofreading your work.

Hope this feedback helped, my good man. Take your time in developing your writing skills, and don't be discouraged by negative reviews/comments.