The Eye of Demun

[RepresentingWrath]

I actually do change up my dialog tags when they match the characters personality. If you think the story is boring then that's your opinion. What is boring to you isn't boring to someone else. I don't care if it's Royal Road or Scribble Hub. I don't respond bad to criticism. I get criticism all the time. Being rude is not the same as giving constructive critism. I've been on several writing posting sites and I know the difference between constructive critism and being rude. It's only been on this site and Royal Road where I have encountered rude feedback. I also give critism in reviews but I'm never rude about it. It's all about how you word and phrase what you are talking. Anyway, moving on.

Where did I say in any of these posts that I didn't want any feedback? People can make feedback as long as they are polite. It's all about how you word your criticism. I understand completely that my writing style and plot isn't going to reach everyone. To sit up there and make an opinion about the synopsis being boring is not helping anyone. The fact of the matter is that if you think something is boring, that doesn't mean that it is going to be boring to someone else. I'm dealing with it practically and realistically. Not everything is going to reach everyone. I come across boring writing online and in real life. What do I do? I move on to something that grabs me. I've been on several forums and know how they run. Dear, you have no idea how old I am in real life and how long I've been posting writing online and socializing online. It all boils down to the fact of being polite when giving criticsm. As I said on another site, people have a tendency to say and do stuff online that they would not do face to face to a person because they can get away with it. Who said I was banking my emotion on anything? I just commented that if my story is alienating people then obviously someone liked it. Did I say that everybody liked it? Did I say that just because I got five stars that it means that everybody will like it? No, I did not. Good day.

How does polite feedback looks? Can you perhaps show an example of polite criticism? I'm not trying to pick a fight or something. It's just that people here have different views on what is polite and what is not.

Also, why do you want feedback? Usually, people ask for feedback to improve to stop people from moving on from their stories. Clearly, it's not what you are looking for from feedback. You said yourself that you are ok with people moving on. What exactly are you looking for then?

 

[Deeprotsorcerer]

Standard mechanical issues aside, from the synopsis, it looks like The Eye of Demun could be right up my ally with the hints of secret "beneath the beneath" stuff and an adventure to a dangerous mystical location, but it's written in a way that fails tantalize me. Look here.

As a full time college professor and a single father of three unruly girls, Thomas Ullian has little time to indulge the fantasies and mythology of Simius’ past, which is until the determined Orokio Musoxee enters the scene. With Orokio’s persistence, Thomas finds out the truth governing Simius’ long dead religion as well as unearthing some truths within himself that only Orokio could have awaken. Together, the two men embark on a voyage deep into the Junglei jungles hoping to bring Simius’ past to light to restore stability to the planet and its belief system.

Each of the colored sections detail something different about the story, but they're delivered with plain statements without any details or literary language. It's functional, but it doesn't hook me, mostly because you're moving from point to point way too fast. It wouldn't stand out on a shelf. Worse still, you don't have a cover, so this synopsis is the only thing you'll have to entice most readers.

Look at this synopsis for one of the Naruto volumes.

"In another world, ninja are the ultimate power--and in the village of Konohagakure live the stealthiest ninja in the world. But twelve years ago Konohagakure was attacked by a fearsome threat--a nine-tailed fox demon which claimed the life of the Hokage, the village champion. Today, peace has returned, and a troublemaking orphan named Uzumaki Naruto is struggling to graduate from the ninja Academy. His goal: to become the next Hokage. But unknown to Naruto and his classmates, within him is a terrifying force ..."

They're about the same length, but the Naruto synopsis provides more information and tension in the same space, presenting elements that natrually lead the readers to think that a particular point might be cool, or that they just have to find out about what the synopsis was hinting at.


Getting into the gritty stuff:

Together, the two men embark on a voyage deep into the Junglei jungles hoping to bring Simius’ past to light to restore stability to the planet and its belief system.

Tells us nothing of the state of the belief system. Is it misleading? Is there a dark secret in Simius' primary religion that threatens something Thomas cares about? Why should we be interested in learning about this system?

With Orokio’s persistence, Thomas finds out the truth governing Simius’ long dead religion as well as unearthing some truths within himself that only Orokio could have awaken.

Cool, who is Orokio, what is he like? How did he drag Thomas away from the daughters he seems so committed to? If Orokio has some magnetic personality, or if he mysteriously alludes to a danger/opportunity that may be relevant to Thomas, this line would be much more intreasting.

As a full time college professor and a single father of three unruly girls, Thomas Ullian has little time to indulge the fantasies and mythology of Simius’ past, which is until the determined Orokio Musoxee enters the scene.

This is your establishing bit. It's forgivable for it not to contain a hook, but you could have tied in the stuff that comes after it more closely.

 

[LMStephens]

Standard mechanical issues aside, from the synopsis, it looks like The Eye of Demun could be right up my ally with the hints of secret "beneath the beneath" stuff and an adventure to a dangerous mystical location, but it's written in a way that fails tantalize me. Look here.



Each of the colored sections detail something different about the story, but they're delivered with plain statements without any details or literary language. It's functional, but it doesn't hook me, mostly because you're moving from point to point way too fast. It wouldn't stand out on a shelf. Worse still, you don't have a cover, so this synopsis is the only thing you'll have to entice most readers.

Look at this synopsis for one of the Naruto volumes.



They're about the same length, but the Naruto synopsis provides more information and tension in the same space, presenting its elements that natrually lead the readers to think that a particular point might be cool, or that they just have to find out about what the synopsis was hinting at.

Thank you very much! Now that is constructive critism! I appreciate you taking time to help me. Honestly, I found it hard to read your example synopsis because it felt kind of stiff without flow. However, I will take it into concideration and I really appreciate how polite you were. Also, the book cover will be made. I'm just broke at the minute. I get disability and so, I have to do the waiting thing. Thank you once again.

 

[Deeprotsorcerer]

Thank you very much! Now that is constructive critism! I appreciate you taking time to help me. Honestly, I found it hard to read your example synopsis because it felt kind of stiff without flow. However, I will take it into concideration and I really appreciate how polite you were. Also, the book cover will be made. I'm just broke at the minute. I get disability and so, I have to do the waiting thing. Thank you once again.

No prob, I'm glad I could help even a little. If you want to get a quick and dirty do-it-yourself placeholder you can make one with Canva for free. It's what I used for my cover and it came out halfway decent.

I'll give you a read in a bit.

 

[LMStephens]

How does polite feedback looks? Can you perhaps show an example of polite criticism? I'm not trying to pick a fight or something. It's just that people here have different views on what is polite and what is not.

Also, why do you want feedback? Usually, people ask for feedback to improve to stop people from moving on from their stories. Clearly, it's not what you are looking for from feedback. You said yourself that you are ok with people moving on. What exactly are you looking for then?

Ok, for instance, instead of the guy flat out saying that the synopsis was boring, he could have said something like: A little advice, the synopsis isn't really grabbing me. Perhaps try to reword it differently to grab a reader.

Then I would have asked for advice on how to reword the synopsis to make it grab a person.

Ok, do I want people to read my story? Absolutely, however, I know that some people aren't going to like my individual style. I can't change my writing style to fit every single person. If so, I would be changing my writing every time someone gave me critism. Also, I have to stay true to myself. As a writer, I have to do what feels 'right' to me. These aren't just words on a screen. They are apart of me. I'm a practical person and view the world in a realistic way. Everything isn't going to reach everyone. Think about published writers. They all write a different way. I don't like Stephen King, I think his writing is boring, so I don't read it. However, my sister loves him.

Why do I want feedback? Well, I'm always curious what people think of my writing. I mean, it's kinda weird writing and posting and not getting any feedback. Also, feedback can help me grow as a writer. However, when I get rude feedback, I shut down and build up a wall. Rude critism doesn't help anyone. I feel that in today's society, especially on the internet, people don't have a filter on what they say. They don't really think about how their words will affect someone. I mean, I could be an emotionally fragile person behind the screen and a rude comment might drive me to self-harm or worse. I'm not emotionally fragile, thank God, but somebody else might be. That is why when I give critism, I try to be polite. If I'm not being polite, I would like for someone to reach out to me and talk to me about it so I can grow as a person. I also think it's horridble how writers as a community treat each other.

No prob, I'm glad I could help even a little. If you want to get a quick and dirty do-it-yourself placeholder you can make one with Canva for free. It's what I used for my cover and it came out halfway decent.

I'll give you a read in a bit.

Thank you! I'mma come back and read your crit, I got some ideas bumping in my head as to how I can reword my synopsis.
Also, I have issues with putting emotion into my writing and with characters. Any pointers you have in those areas will help.

No prob, I'm glad I could help even a little. If you want to get a quick and dirty do-it-yourself placeholder you can make one with Canva for free. It's what I used for my cover and it came out halfway decent.

I'll give you a read in a bit.

 

[Deleted member 1244]

Did I say that just because I got five stars that it means that everybody will like it?

???
Nor I?

Don't bank all your emotion on stars, they mean... not a lot on this site... since most readers only have two modes, 5 or 1.

I thought that was a pretty neutral statement that applies to anyone. I still stand by the fact that most people just rate 5 and 1. The point I was making is that if you get a boat ton of 1s, it would not be an accurate indication of how good a story is, and getting a lot of 5s would not be a good indication either, that's all.

==

how long I've been posting writing online and socializing online.

have a tendency to say and do stuff online that they would not do face to face to a person because they can get away with it

*shrug* I suppose...it's great that you feel like you can do that, but even so, I dun know if the things they do is any less valid. On the other hand, does it not mean when people say something is awful they genuinely feel it, and they would not pretend it is good to avoid social awkwardness? (just a side thought, not an actual question to you, so there is no need to answer it.)

==

Dear, you have no idea how old I am in real life

I dun know, you could be the ghost of Betty White or a 12-year-old child genius, behaviour is behaviour, I don't think age/experience online is a good indication of how good or bad a person behaves. A person could have been online all their life and still be narrow-minded, short-sighted and obnoxious. The opposite could be true.

==

Where did I say in any of these posts that I didn't want any feedback?

Oh. I thought the first reply to:

Seems kinda boring

Was

Then don't read it. lol

So leading from that. And as you mentioned:

The fact of the matter is that if you think something is boring, that doesn't mean that it is going to be boring to someone else.

the varying differences in opinion, why one person finds your work boring, might not be the same as another person, even if boring is the same term they use. One might not like your use of pros, another might disagree with the arrangement of the information, or it could be purely aesthetics. by asking Lloyd why the finds in boring, I think would lead to valid feedback. And using a "close statement" leads to no further discussion. Which suggested to me you did not wish for feedback.

Since to me saying "seems kinda boring" was not a rude statement. But since you disagree, this would be a divergence of our opinions.

Perhaps you need to indicate that you accept feedback but only in the specific parameter that you find acceptable. That way @llyod would not have told you how boring they found your story.


From what I can see you opened with your synopsis right away,

As a full time college professor and a single father of three unruly girls, Thomas Ullian has little time to indulge the fantasies and mythology of Simius’ past, which is until the determined Orokio Musoxee enters the scene. With Orokio’s persistence, Thomas finds out the truth governing Simius’ long dead religion as well as unearthing some truths within himself that only Orokio could have awaken. Together, the two men embark on a voyage deep into the Junglei jungles hoping to bring Simius’ past to light to restore stability to the planet and its belief system.

Please read Note to Reader. Link is below.

You did not introduce yourself. Nor frame what you are trying to achieve in this thread, only

Please read Note to Reader. Link is below.

I feel like this thread could be written with more care, with some kind of context, to avoid this in the future. But if you find any of my comments, "rude" due to the difference in our individual tolerance to varying degrees of manners, I would suggest you follow your advice, and just "move on"

There we go, I think I have answered all the questions you posed to me. So please enjoy your continual existence. In other words, good day to you too.

 

[LMStephens]

I have moved on from this thread and I am a big enough person to say that I'm sorry to everyone if I sounded a bit snarky and petty in my responses. It was not my intent to come across as hyper defensive and sensitive.

 

[LMStephens]

I updated my synopsis. I hope it's better.