The Eye of Demun

[LMStephens]

As a full-time college professor and a single father of three unruly girls, Thomas Ullian has little time to indulge the fantasies and mythology of Simius’ past. Until a youthful, pestering, and determined colleague enters the scene. Orokio Muxosee is convinced that, though Thomas does not exhibit personalities, he was born with them.

Orokio presents an idea to Thomas that some people have had their personalities stolen and transferred to another. He also tells him the legend of The Eye of Demun, a living representation of the god of creation, and how it is the key to ending personality theft. Thomas aggressively rejects Orokio’s claims until his oldest daughter is brutally assaulted by a man and his personalities. Mirroring a crime that happened years ago.

Leaving his girls in the care of a friend, Thomas joins Orokio on a voyage deep into the Junglei jungles hoping to put an end to personality theft and discover the truth governing personalities. Along the way, who knows what other truths he might find? Truths within himself. Truths that only Orokio could have awakened.

Please read Note to Reader.

The link is below.

The Eye of Demun

 

[Ilikewaterkusa]

As a full time college professor and a single father of three unruly girls, Thomas Ullian has little time to indulge the fantasies and mythology of Simius’ past, which is until the determined Orokio Musoxee enters the scene. With Orokio’s persistence, Thomas finds out the truth governing Simius’ long dead religion as well as unearthing some truths within himself that only Orokio could have awaken. Together, the two men embark on a voyage deep into the Junglei jungles hoping to bring Simius’ past to light to restore stability to the planet and its belief system.

Please read Note to Reader. Link in signature.

Thank you.

I don’t think you have a signature

 

[LMStephens]

I don’t think you have a signature

It's down there where it says check out my story. The words that are blue are the links...

 

[Lloyd]

Seems kinda boring

 

[Ilikewaterkusa]

It's down there where it says check out my story. The words that are blue are the links...

 

[LMStephens]

View attachment 11613

Do you have signatures turned off because I see it clearly.

Seems kinda boring

Then don't read it. lol

Seems kinda boring

I mean, I think all of that isekai stuff is boring...

 

[Deleted member 1244]

Signatures do not show on mobile version of this site when in portrait, but show up in landscape mode.

 

[Lloyd]

Do you have signatures turned off because I see it clearly.

Then don't read it. lol

I mean, I think all of that isekai stuff is boring...

I'm not even talking about genre here. The words just don't have any artistry to them. Like it's boring to read. Like any genre can be good, even retarded weeaboo isekai as long as the words are put together in an interesting way.

 

[LMStephens]

Signatures do not show on mobile version of this site when in portrait, but show up in landscape mode.

Thanks, I added the link to my original post.

I'm not even talking about genre here. The words just don't have any artistry to them. Like it's boring to read. Like any genre can be good, even retarded weeaboo isekai as long as the words are put together in an interesting way.

I didn't say you were talking about genres but the point is, everybody thinks something is boring to them. We all have different tastes. If you think it's boring then don't read it. Move along. I don't see your point in saying that it's boring. I see stuff that I think is boring all the time, I just move along. Simple as that.

 

[Lloyd]

Thanks, I added the link to my original post.

I didn't say you were talking about genres but the point is, everybody thinks something is boring to them. We all have different tastes. If you think it's boring then don't read it. Move along. I don't see your point in saying that it's boring. I see stuff that I think is boring all the time, I just move along. Simple as that.

Why post if you don't want feedback?

 

[LMStephens]

Why post if you don't want feedback?

What I don't want is rude feedback. Now this is all I will say. I'm not going to keep going back and forth with you. I'm done with this conversation.

 

[Lloyd]

What I don't want is rude feedback. Now this is all I will say. I'm not going to keep going back and forth with you. I'm done with this conversation.

All I said was it seems kinda boring lol.

 

[T.K._Paradox]

What I don't want is rude feedback. Now this is all I will say. I'm not going to keep going back and forth with you. I'm done with this conversation.

The only way grow as a writer is to receive feedback from all sources. Good and bad, otherwise you may never find the faults in your own technique and be stuck at your current skill level.

 

[LMStephens]

The only way grow as a writer is to receive feedback from all sources. Good and bad, otherwise you may never find the faults in your own technique and be stuck at your current skill level.

If you don't know the difference between constructive critism and being rude then I can't help you. Being rude while giving critism doesn't help anyone. Learn the difference.

 

[Varstark]

Is this a sequel of an existing story? Who, what or where is Simius? Also, the way the name Thomas mixes with Orokio Musoxee isn't really doing anything to help the alienation readers are feeling from this summary, as well as a father with a full-time job being kicked off on an adventure, most likely leaving his kids behind. Usually, fathers do the action when the action comes to them and their family (Inception, The Hobbit, etc), so at least try and negotiate that within the summary if you want a father MC.

 

[LMStephens]

Is this a sequel of an existing story? Who, what or where is Simius? Also, the way the name Thomas mixes with Orokio Musoxee isn't really doing anything to help the alienation readers are feeling from this summary, as well as a father with a full-time job being kicked off on an adventure, most likely leaving his kids behind. Usually, fathers do the action when the action comes to them and their family (Inception, The Hobbit, etc), so at least try and negotiate that within the summary if you want a father MC.

I'm sorry but I don't write rehashed already been done to death stuff. If you don't like the story, then move on. I'm not changing my story plot or character names for anyone. It's funny you say readers are feeling alienated when I got a five star rating after I posted the story lol. Whatever, don't like it, move on.

 

[Psycholor]

It's funny you say readers are feeling alienated when I got a five star rating after I posted the story lol.

This is Scribble Hub, not Royal Road. A Five-star Rating here means anything from "It's AMAZING" to "Eh, it's alright."

Two, Three, and Four-star ratings are rare as hell.

I read it and spotted the same issues that other people have already pointed out. The prose is boring, you should try and vary word choice a bit more to make it more interesting.

Dialogue is confusing, especially when more than two characters are involved, and people talk in a very dull manner. "Thomas said." "They said." "Then Thomas said" Be more descriptive: "Thomas exclaimed excitedly, ...", "... they spat back angrily.", "... she said with a giggle." etcetera.

Whatever, don't like it, move on.

Since you don't seem to be open to feedback and respond to criticism thusly, I shall be doing exactly that.

It's a shame, your world-building and story concept seem well thought out and interesting, but you aren't listening to people offering you valid criticism and feedback.

 

[Deleted member 1244]

I'm sorry but I don't write rehashed already been done to death stuff. If you don't like the story, then move on. I'm not changing my story plot or character names for anyone. It's funny you say readers are feeling alienated when I got a five star rating after I posted the story lol. Whatever, don't like it, move on.

I dun know, I feel like what @Varette said was not anything about whether they liked it or not.

They were simply asking questions and suggested adding more context in the synopsis for clarity.

And it might be just me, but... I think that even if people don't like your story, it's not a bad idea to know why people don't like it.

That is not to say you will or should change for them because of the comments. Telling people to move if they don't like it, is shutting down any avenue for understanding and limits improvement in your future projects or understanding of the writer's craft.

As you stated in the other thread, you wanted to promote, and if you are not looking for comments of any kind, it may be good to mention that in the opening post.

In my opinion, if you are looking to just promote, one should be aware of the "optics" they are extruding when in that arena. Even if you are not looking for negative comments, the best way to handle it is not "Whatever, don't like it, move on." rather deal with it more diplomatically.

As I said in the other thread, there are no rules about promoting your book on this forum. But I should have also said that at the core this is a forum, for people to discuss and talk about things... Especially since this is a community that leans to the writer side of the equation, you should be prepared for more discussions about how something is not working, rather than appreciation of what did.

P.S
Don't bank all your emotion on stars, they mean... not a lot on this site... since most readers only have two modes, 5 or 1.

 

[LMStephens]

This is Scribble Hub, not Royal Road. A Five-star Rating here means anything from "It's AMAZING" to "Eh, it's alright."

Two, Three, and Four-star ratings are rare as hell.

I read it and spotted the same issues that other people have already pointed out. The prose is boring, you should try and vary word choice a bit more to make it more interesting.

Dialogue is confusing, especially when more than two characters are involved, and people talk in a very dull manner. "Thomas said." "They said." "Then Thomas said" Be more descriptive: "Thomas exclaimed excitedly, ...", "... they spat back angrily.", "... she said with a giggle." etcetera.


Since you don't seem to be open to feedback and respond to criticism thusly, I shall be doing exactly that.

It's a shame, your world-building and story concept seem well thought out and interesting, but you aren't listening to people offering you valid criticism and feedback.

I actually do change up my dialog tags when they match the characters personality. If you think the story is boring then that's your opinion. What is boring to you isn't boring to someone else. I don't care if it's Royal Road or Scribble Hub. I don't respond bad to criticism. I get criticism all the time. Being rude is not the same as giving constructive critism. I've been on several writing posting sites and I know the difference between constructive critism and being rude. It's only been on this site and Royal Road where I have encountered rude feedback. I also give critism in reviews but I'm never rude about it. It's all about how you word and phrase what you are talking. Anyway, moving on.

I dun know, I feel like what @Varette said was not anything about whether they liked it or not.

They were simply asking questions and suggested adding more context in the synopsis for clarity.

And it might be just me, but... I think that even if people don't like your story, it's not a bad idea to know why people don't like it.

That is not to say you will or should change for them because of the comments. Telling people to move if they don't like it, is shutting down any avenue for understanding and limits improvement in your future projects or understanding of the writer's craft.

As you stated in the other thread, you wanted to promote, and if you are not looking for comments of any kind, it may be good to mention that in the opening post.

In my opinion, if you are looking to just promote, one should be aware of the "optics" they are extruding when in that arena. Even if you are not looking for negative comments, the best way to handle it is not "Whatever, don't like it, move on." rather deal with it more diplomatically.

As I said in the other thread, there are no rules about promoting your book on this forum. But I should have also said that at the core this is a forum, for people to discuss and talk about things... Especially since this is a community that leans to the writer side of the equation, you should be prepared for more discussions about how something is not working, rather than appreciation of what did.

P.S
Don't bank all your emotion on stars, they mean... not a lot on this site... since most readers only have two modes, 5 or 1.

Where did I say in any of these posts that I didn't want any feedback? People can make feedback as long as they are polite. It's all about how you word your criticism. I understand completely that my writing style and plot isn't going to reach everyone. To sit up there and make an opinion about the synopsis being boring is not helping anyone. The fact of the matter is that if you think something is boring, that doesn't mean that it is going to be boring to someone else. I'm dealing with it practically and realistically. Not everything is going to reach everyone. I come across boring writing online and in real life. What do I do? I move on to something that grabs me. I've been on several forums and know how they run. Dear, you have no idea how old I am in real life and how long I've been posting writing online and socializing online. It all boils down to the fact of being polite when giving criticsm. As I said on another site, people have a tendency to say and do stuff online that they would not do face to face to a person because they can get away with it. Who said I was banking my emotion on anything? I just commented that if my story is alienating people then obviously someone liked it. Did I say that everybody liked it? Did I say that just because I got five stars that it means that everybody will like it? No, I did not. Good day.

 

[greyblob]

asks for feedback.
proceeds to be defensive about every piece of feedback received.