Here I am again

Mighty

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Nov 21, 2021
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Hello, again I am here again to know all my wrong in this one so I am in your care again.

Who the hell is he? My fear was overpowered by the mere presence of this man in black. This isn't the first time I've had this thought. When she sees this guy, the little girl beside me falls to her knees.


"I finally found you, stupid slaves. Do you know how much money it cost me just to find you both? And now that I've found you, I'm confident that that stupid cult will reimburse me."


I was terrified by his expression. This was the first time in my life that I felt such terror. We needed to leave right away before something bad happened. Our best option was to flee into the forest. We could use the trees to help us get rid of him.


With that plan in mind, I grabbed the little girl in my arms and dashed towards the forest.


"You returned here this instant. That's an order. Do you know how much of my money I spent just to find you, you stupid slaves? Hey, return this instant! "


I kept running despite her yelling. I don't give a damn about her money. My life is very important to me, but I never expected to be in this situation in my entire life. I hadn't been active in my previous life, so I was surprised that I could run this fast while carrying this little girl. But I couldn't let down my guard just yet. The man in black continued to pursue us, so as I ran, I scanned our surroundings for ways for us to get away from him. But there's one flaw in my plan that I overlooked: I have a child's body, which means I'll get tired quickly. As well as the fact that my wound is currently worsening,


"Are you all right, B-brother?"


I couldn't respond because I was too tired, so I just nodded. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to keep this up. But, it's not been that long since I reached my limit and collapsed to the ground.


"Brother, are you all right? Tell me, brother! "


"Run, get away now! Ahh, ahh, RUN AWAY NOW! You need to get away! "


"I will never leave you again, brother!" she exclaims before embracing me.


But then I saw the man in black emerge from the woods once more. He appears to have caught up to us.


It appears that you have finally reached your limit, kid; don't worry, when you wake up, you will be back in your prison; now, come here, you Bitch!"


I noticed the man in black clutching the little girl's wrist. "I-it hurts!" she exclaimed. The man in black tightened his grip on her as he drew her away from me, "B-Brother!" The little girl tried to wiggle free, but the man tightened his grip as she groaned.


"I'll sell you again to those cults so I can recoup the money I used,"


When the man in black turned around, something fell from his clothes. I'm aware of what the object was. I forced myself to stand up, grabbed the object, and approached the man in black from behind.


"Let go of her, you SCUM!"


"Ack!"


"Brother!"


With his knife, I stabbed him in the back. I quickly pulled the little girl away from the guy and stood there watching him scream in agony while bleeding.

"Why, you little one!" The man quickly recovered and jumped on me. The little girl yelled as she let go of my hand. The man brandished his knife and said, "Wouldn't it be nice if you just did what I said?"

He was going to stab me, but when blood dripped from his left eye onto my skin, he froze. Eyes wide, he tried to move but couldn’t. The little girl pulled me away from him by the arms, and I stood. We stared at the man, who was stuck in this stabbing position.

He was paralyzed.

Glaring up at us.

I touched my cheeks and looked at my fingers to see blood smeared on them. "Brother—now’s our chance!" She grabbed my hand and ran away with me. While running, I looked behind to see what the hell I had done to that man in black.

Thanks again for your cooperation and also thanks to the people that help me get inspiration and by the last one is a copy of a suggestion of my previous post on a different forum so thanks to that person.
 
Last edited:

CrownedTraitor

Active member
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Apr 6, 2020
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The man in black continued to pursue us, so as I ran, I scanned our surroundings for ways for us to get away escape from him.
because of "our" and "us" being mentioned already, repeating it thrice in one sentence might not be a good idea.
I touched my cheeks and looked at my fingers, to see blood smeared on them all over.
them referring to the fingers is quite strange, so I suggest just defining the fingers as a group of objects hence replacing it with "all over".
It appears that you have finally reached your limit kid; don't worry, when you wake up, you will be back in your prison; now, come here, you Bitch!"
Well this one needs some changes since the usage there is a usage of " ; " which I don't see often in writing, changed below:
"It appears that you have finally reached your limit kid. Don't fret,"

The man sneered as he walked closer,

"When you wake up, you'll be back in your lovely prison...now, come here, you Bitch!"
 

Anon_Y_Mousse

Semicolon Enjoyer
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Feb 24, 2020
Messages
698
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133
Sorry if this doesn't exactly help you directly, it's more of an advice.

I mean, asking for help on the forum is find and dandy, but I've notice you've basically turned to the forum as your beta-readers.

After taking a look at your story you garnered about 30 readers so far. I think you should try asking them instead for some help with editing, helps with having more interaction with your audience and stuff. Your chapters aren't that long anyways, I'm sure someone would be down to spend a few minutes polishing things.
 

Mighty

Member
Joined
Nov 21, 2021
Messages
33
Points
8
Sorry if this doesn't exactly help you directly, it's more of an advice.

I mean, asking for help on the forum is find and dandy, but I've notice you've basically turned to the forum as your beta-readers.

After taking a look at your story you garnered about 30 readers so far. I think you should try asking them instead for some help with editing, helps with having more interaction with your audience and stuff. Your chapters aren't that long anyways, I'm sure someone would be down to spend a few minutes polishing things.
Thanks for the suggestion I will try it
 
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