I need your help again

[Mighty]

hello I need your help is this readable or it's annoying to read.

Chapter 4: Luck
What the hell is this guy? The mere presence of this man in black overcame my fear. Even The little girl beside me falls to her knees when she sees this guy.

"I finally tracked you down, stupid slaves. Do you have any idea how much it cost me just to find you both? And now that I've found you, I'm confident that that idiot cult will pay me back. "

His expression terrified me. This was the first time in my life that I experienced such terror. We needed to get out of there quickly before something bad happened. We had no choice but to flee into the forest. We could use the trees to assist us in getting rid of him. With that plan in mind, I grabbed the little girl in my arms and dashed towards the forest.

"You returned here this instant. That's an order. Do you know how much money I spent just to find you, you stupid slaves? Hey, return this instant! "

Despite her yelling, I kept running. I couldn't care less about her money. My life is extremely important to me, but I never imagined that I will be in this kind of situation in my entire life. I hadn't been active in my previous life, so I was surprised that I could run this fast while carrying this little girl.

But I couldn't let my guard down just yet. As the man in black pursued us, I scanned our surroundings for ways for us to get away from him. But there's one flaw in my strategy that I didn't consider: I have a child's
body, which means I'll tire quickly. My wound is currently getting worse.

"Are you okay, B-brother? "

I couldn't respond because I was too tired, so I just nodded It's been a long time since I hit my breaking point and I collapse to the ground.

"Brother?"

"Run! *Heavy breathing* flee now! You must flee immediately! "

"I'll never abandon you again, brother!" She exclaims as she embraces me.

But then I saw the man in black emerge from the woods again. It appeared that he had caught up to us.

"It seems that you have finally reached your limit, kid; don't worry, you'll be back in your prison when you wake up. Now, come here, you bitch!"

The man in black then holds the little girl's wrist. "I-it hurts!" she cried out. "B-Brother!" said the little girl, as the man in black, drew her away from me. The little girl tried to wiggle free, but the man tightened his grip.

"I'll sell you to those cults again so I can recoup my investment."

But when the man turned around, something fell from her clothes. I know what the object was. I forced myself to stand, and grabbed the object and approached the man from behind.

"Let go of her, you SCUM!"

"Ack!"

"Brother!"

With his knife, I stabbed him in the back. I quickly pulled the little girl away from the guy and stood there watching him scream in agony while bleeding.

But he quickly recovered and jumped on me. The little girl yelled as she let go of my hand. The man brandished his other knife and said, "Wouldn't it be nice if you just did what I said?"

He was going to stab me, but when blood dripped from his left eye onto my skin, he froze. Eyes wide, he then falls to the ground. The little girl pulled me away from him by the arms, and I stood. We stared at the man, who was lying on the ground bleeding. He was dead.

I was so relieved that all of the energy from my body vanished and I also collapsed. The last thing I heard was the yell of the little girl. "Brother!"

Congratulations! You have unlocked the skills "Monster creator, Monster language, Skill Transfer, Skill Steal,"

Thanks for the help again.

 

[CL]

I see that the man in black is terrifying to behold, but I'm not feeling it. Even the little girl falling down to her knees isn't really giving me a vibe that this guy shouldn't be messed with. Moreover, seeing a child fear him has me more angry than afraid. Rather than a mere presence of his existing, I'd place something to show off why he's the perfect tool for fertilizing pants. Does that help at all?

 

[Layenlml]

You returned here this instant

You! Return here in this instant.

I feel the wording a little... weird? But not unreadable.

You need to search way to make things move forward during a persecution something like to give a better feeling to the scene and if you combine it with better ways to show how scared they are or how scary he is, the better.

" You!"

We saw bad guy running and yelling, we dont care we ran


"Come here! " He is getting tired but not much as We are getting due to our small and weak bodies.

Bad guy getting closer and I becoming more afriad but the forest is getting near.

Etc.

You need to give a way to make it feel as if its moving, I do reccomend quillbot or something like that one, it helps me a lot.

Also parts like the start. 'overcame my fear' ? It would make sense in somewhere else because it means 'getting over it and start doing something despite the fear I feel', it doesnt fit there but after describing the fear he feels.

 

[CL]

Listen to that person above me. Those are some good suggestions.

 

[WanderingSwordNuub]

Describes a man in black. Man complains about the money spent to find them. But then....

Despite her yelling, I kept running. I couldn't care less about her money.

Excuse me? Did their gender change within that time frame?

Have you ever considered making some of the inner monologue shorter during action sequences?

Also doesn't help the man's dialogue makes the man seem immature or cartoonishly amoral.How about not having him talk at all? It doesn't help that he's spewing exposition as well. Maybe describing a weapon or his bodily features(like scars,for example) could up the intimidation factor?

The sense of physical space seems to be disregarded as well. Adults have longer strides than children,he'd catch up in a jiffy.Maybe use their small size as children to get away. Also a child stabbing an adult without their body weight put into it. Did he hold the knife with one hand or two hands?

If you want to spew background details,have the ''sister'' say something or do it at a later chapter.

*heavy breathing* -> ''Haa.....haa.....ha.....'' It's not a hard sound effect to put into words/letters.

But he quickly recovered and jumped on me. The little girl yelled as she let go of my hand. The man brandished his other knife and said, "Wouldn't it be nice if you just did what I said?"

When did he already have a knife in hand? It wasn't described before this.

 

[MajorKerina]

Chapter 4: Luck
What the hell was this guy? The presence of the man in black overrode my fear. Even the little girl beside me fell to her knees when she saw him.

"I finally tracked you down, stupid slaves. Do you have any idea how much it cost me just to find you both? And now that I've found you, I'm confident that that idiot cult will pay me back."

His expression chilled me. We needed to get out of here quickly. We had to flee into the forest. We could use the trees. With that plan, I grabbed the little girl in my arms and dashed towards the forest.

"Return here this instant. That's an order. Do you know how much money I spent to find you, you stupid slaves? Hey, return this instant!”

Despite his yelling, I kept running. I couldn't care less. My life was extremely important to me. I never imagined this kind of situation before. I hadn't been active in my previous life, so I was surprised that I could run this fast while carrying the little girl.

I couldn't let my guard down just yet. As the man in black pursued us, I scanned our surroundings for ways to get away from him. But there was one flaw that I didn't consider: I had a child's
body, which means I’d tire quickly. My wound was also getting worse.

"Are you okay, B-brother? "

I couldn't respond because I was too tired, so I just nodded. It's been a long time since I reached my breaking point. I collapsed to the ground.

"Brother?"

"Run! *Heavy breathing* Flee now! You must flee immediately!"

"I'll never abandon you again, brother!" She exclaimed as she embraced me.

But then I saw the man in black emerge from the woods again. He caught up to us.

“It seems that you finally reached your limit, kid; don't worry, you'll be back in your prison when you wake up. Now, come here, you bitch!"

The man in black held the little girl's wrist. "I-it hurts!" she cried out as the man in black drew her away from me. "B-Brother!"The little girl tried to wiggle free, but the man tightened his grip.

"I'll sell you back to those cults, so I can recoup my investment."

But when the man turned around, something fell from his clothes. I knew what the object was. I forced myself to stand, grabbed the object, and approached the man from behind.

"Let go of her, you SCUM!"

"Ack!"

"Brother!"

With his knife, I stabbed him in the back. I quickly pulled the little girl away from him and stood there watching him scream in agony while bleeding.

But he quickly recovered and jumped on me. The little girl yelled as she let go of my hand. The man brandished his other knife and said, "Wouldn't it be nice if you just did what I said?"

He was going to stab me, but when blood dripped from his left eye onto my skin, he froze. Eyes wide, he fell to the ground. The little girl pulled me away from him and I stood. We stared at the man, who was lying on the ground bleeding. He was dead.

I was so relieved that all of the energy from my body vanished and I collapsed. The last thing I heard was the yell of the little girl. "Brother!"

Congratulations! You have unlocked the skills "Monster creator, Monster language, Skill Transfer, Skill Steal,"

——

it’s just some small stuff with pronouns and tenses and making everything makes sense. There’s a few redundancies you can cut out as well. I don’t think I got everything but here’s some stuff to consider. Hope that helps!

 

[Mighty]

I see that the man in black is terrifying to behold, but I'm not feeling it. Even the little girl falling down to her knees isn't really giving me a vibe that this guy shouldn't be messed with. Moreover, seeing a child fear him has me more angry than afraid. Rather than a mere presence of his existing, I'd place something to show off why he's the perfect tool for fertilizing pants. Does that help at all?

thank you that helps a ton