How do you add more OOMPH to a hit or event?

[Sylverius]

I'm at a loss right now since I'm trying to make this one scene wherein the MC punches a monster's nuts (with his physical abilities, let's say that he hits like a fucking Cannonball) and then blows it up with his power. The problem is, that I can't feel any OOMPH that makes me hold mah nuts and give that monster an F. My friends don't really make novels, so I came here to ask. I also know that I'll use this thread for future references because as the title suggests, "event". Meaning, not just a punch, but also something really dark, like the usual cliché, a monster swarm/parade. However, instead of it being the usual "AIGHT BOYS AND GIRLS, LET'S FUCKING FAAAARRRRMMMMM!!!!!", it's this:

(The town of Aggruos was beloved by many countries. It was because of the fact that it was the center of many things, such as business and commerce, adventurers and the guilds, and it also housed the best school out of all the countries. All of them, including the country itself were lead by only one person, Leona. Guildmaster, businesswoman, mayor, and headmaster.)(This is still being edited. Pretend that you don't see this.)

As the monster swarm slowly came closer and closer, the adventurers that stationed themselves at the front line as the people of the town escaped had their eyes well up in tears as they feared the incoming monsters. The monsters themselves were nothing to scoff at, as it even housed A-rank monsters that even S-rank adventurers have a hard time incapacitating. Slowly, the rumbling became more and more tense. Some peed their own pants, some cried in panic, while some had already fainted.

Roars were being heard, making the adventurers fear for their lives.

"EVERYONE!"

Atop the gates, the guild leader, Leona shouts.

"REMEMBER WHY WE ARE HERE! AS WE FIGHT, THEY MUST LIVE ON AND WARN THE OTHERS SO THAT THEY WOULD NOT EXPERIENCE OUR SACRIFICE! SO LONG AS WE STAND TALL AND PROUD, SO LONG AS WE STAND AND FIGHT..."

As she face the incoming monsters, with her javelin in hand, the people that had been weakened slowly stood up. As she looked behind and saw their faces, she raises her mighty javelin with a thunderous crackle and roar.

"WE MUST KILL THE MONSTERS! TO LIVE IS TO FIGHT! THIS IS OUR MOTTO! WE WILL LET OTHER LIVE AS WE FIGHT! EVERYONE, STAND AND FIGHT!"

"STAND AND FIGHT!"

"STAND AND FIGHT!"

One by one, their voices grew louder and louder, their will had been regained, with their loved ones on the line, they stand.

"THIS IS OUR TOWN! LET'S GIVE EM HELL!"

"I can't believe I nearly shit myself... Brothers, if we live another day, WE DRINK ANOTHER BEER!"

"RAAA!!!"

In unison, they repeated their motto, to stand and fight the incoming storm, one must brave it for what's in line.

As the monsters get close enough, Leona enchants her javelin with lightning element and aims at the monsters. And then, she throws it with a sound of a thunderclap, the monsters that got hit by it all got blasted into bits with nothing but electrified blood.

Finally seeing Leona fight and instantly kill a lot of enemies made everyone's morale boost up. She turns to all of them and jumps down.

"I will fight for this village. Will you fight with me?"

""""""""Yes!""""""""

"I SAID WILL YOU FIGHT WITH ME?!"

"YES!"

She looks at the monsters that hadn't been fazed at all by her surprising attack. Raising her hand, her javelin appears at her hand once more.

"CHARGE!"

""""""""CHARGE!""""""""

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, that part isn't canon btw. I just thought of it as an example of what kind of "event" I'm talking about, and I hope I made my question clear. Thanks!

EDIT: By "blows it up", I literally mean an explosion because his power is fire.

EDIT2: Okay so I'm high right now. I forgot what the context for the monster battle is. The battle wherein the MC (Kuro) literally punches the monster's balls and then explodes it with an explosion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kuro pulls Rin towards him and charges to the monster, with his crossbow loaded. Kuro punched the ground below the Soldier blant with his left arm before disappearing into it as the monster swiped across its huge arm. Underneath it, Kuro came out and attacked its crotch, the most unarmored place with an uppercut. Following the uppercut, Kuro even blew it with an explosion using his fire magic, to ensure its death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note: Blants, it's short for "Black ants" but instead of them just being ants, they're actually huge ass bats that are taller than the average adult when it's standing correctly. The way it traverses the environment is similar to Kana- *EHEM* I mean, Gorillas. They use their long, flimsy yet strong arms as forelegs. They only use their wings when going to far places or migration. What Kuro (the MC) is fighting now, is an evolved Blant, a Soldier Blant. In addition to their eerie appearance, they also have exoskeletons that act as armor plating, with their crotch being the softest and unarmored spot for mobility.

Kuro can teleport to a fixed location, however he needs 2 things, both of which are embers. One by his side, the other at the location of where he wants to go, hence, the crossbow attached to his left gauntlet. He's also wearing light armor, sacrificing durability for mobility.

I'm just saying these things so you guys have a clear concept of the situation so that we won't get screwed up XD

 

[Kitsura]

Hmm I think the problem is that you are describe the affect of an action rather than the impact of it. A “show don’t tell” problem. Your writing perhaps feels dry because you are lacking “flavor”

for example, “xelios tossed the monster to the ground and it became splayed”

instead of

“heaving his muscles, xelios judo threw the monster across his back, it flew through the air for only an instant before it slammed flat onto the ground, cracking the hard surface”

 

[EternalSunset0]

Commenting on this thread so I can get back to it for more tips.

 

[Sylverius]

Commenting on this thread so I can get back to it for more tips.

Feel free!

 

[NotaNuffian]

"The air ripples as *insert MC name*'s fist flies and before the monster can comprehend, a sickening squish is heard. Within a short span, the pain erupts from below all the way up its spine and breathing becomes erratic, the monster pales as the blood seems to flow from its face and quickly drain out of the new orifice."

This is me using this model as an example:
"He cannot understand, one moment Lee was at the entrance and next, he himself is lodged into the ceiling chandelier with a splatter of red filling his view while Lee himself is now standing at where he stood. Joseph, his guard, is nowhere to be seen.

His vision dims at the sight of meat chunks next to Lee's feet and his impassive face staring back."

...I am having the moment where I suck at writing again.

 

[Nahrenne]

I'm at a loss right now since I'm trying to make this one scene wherein the MC punches a monster's nuts (with his physical abilities, let's say that he hits like a fucking Cannonball) and then blows it up with his power. The problem is, that I can't feel any OOMPH that makes me hold mah nuts and give that monster an F. My friends don't really make novels, so I came here to ask.

Maybe watch/read One Punch Man for some tips on that.
I believe there's a scene where he punches someone in the family jewels.
'-'

X

 

[Sylverius]

blows it up with his power.

by "blows it up", I literally mean an explosion because his power is fire.

 

[greyblob]

You're not giving it the attention it deserves. There is no impact, no descriptions. You summarized two or more possible paragraphs into a few sentences.
The scene with the javelin, for example.

1. She hefted it above her shoulder
2. Enchanted it with lighting > sparks should appear (maybe?)
3. Chose a target, if there are way too many to choose from, it should be noted here
4. The spear tore through the air, a wheeze or a whistle would be heard
5. The impact, if it's as grandiose as entailed, should be strong enough to result in an explosion
6. The impact should also create a dust cloud or at the very least send some enemies flying
7. Electricity burns, so maybe charred bodies lie underneath, and the smell of burned flesh
8. The throw and its psychological effects should affect both enemies and allies, so for example, the act is so horrific that both allies and enemies are dead silent and finally the guildleader shouts awakening both.

Hopefully this made any sense. I'm pretty shit at explaining stuff.

 

[Agentt]

. . .seeing that no one is discussing the nutcracker, I'll try.

His fist contacted the very specific spot, lying right in between the monster's legs.
The hero felt the soft cushion wrapping around his fingers, before flying off due to inertia. The monster's face twisted, and his eyes rolled as he felt his organs crumbling, leaving a sensation of an empty hole in his stomach.

The world had turned upside down for him, before he knew, his head crashed into the ground. However, he didn't care, he couldn't care. Breathing was hard, and tears flowed through his eyes. He held his legs together as he felt them breaking like a ceramic pot.

Alas, the proud man, had his future children taken away from him

 

[NotaNuffian]

by "blows it up", I literally mean an explosion because his power is fire.

"The air crackled with heat as his punch soar straight to its target and upon impact, a deafening roar erupts in the middle of the battlefield.

Those unfortunate enough to be near the carnage found themselves flung far from the explosion, their ears ringing as they focus to see what had caused the destruction.

At the epicenter stands a burly man, looking discontently at the half corpse lying in front of him, its half burnt pelvis still smoking.

Frozen on the monster's face are shock and hints of pain as tears slowly trickle down from the corners of its eyes."

 

[RepresentingCaution]

First of all, keep your verb tenses consistent. You're using a mix of past and present tense. Pick one and stick with it.

 

[Sylverius]

First of all, keep your verb tenses consistent. You're using a mix of past and present tense. Pick one and stick with it.

I felt the pain of truth right there...

But what can you say about the nutcracker?

EDIT: I can't seem to observe the parts of my mistake in the event I made... Care to elaborate? I apologize if I bothered you, my family is currently sick and I'm the only one with the capability to care of them while heavily lacking the necessary sleep.

 

[KiraMinoru]

I'm at a loss right now since I'm trying to make this one scene wherein the MC punches a monster's nuts (with his physical abilities, let's say that he hits like a fucking Cannonball) and then blows it up with his power. The problem is, that I can't feel any OOMPH that makes me hold mah nuts and give that monster an F. My friends don't really make novels, so I came here to ask. I also know that I'll use this thread for future references because as the title suggests, "event". Meaning, not just a punch, but also something really dark, like the usual cliché, a monster swarm/parade. However, instead of it being the usual "AIGHT BOYS AND GIRLS, LET'S FUCKING FAAAARRRRMMMMM!!!!!", it's this:

As the monster swarm slowly came closer and closer, the adventurers that stationed themselves at the front line as the people of the town escaped had their eyes well up in tears as they feared the incoming monsters. The monsters themselves were nothing to scoff at, as it even housed A-rank monsters that even S-rank adventurers have a hard time incapacitating. Slowly, the rumbling became more and more tense. Some peed their own pants, some cried in panic, while some had already fainted.

Roars were being heard, making the adventurers fear for their lives.

"EVERYONE!"

Atop the gates, the guild leader, Leona shouts.

"REMEMBER WHY WE ARE HERE! AS WE FIGHT, THEY MUST LIVE ON AND WARN THE OTHERS SO THAT THEY WOULD NOT EXPERIENCE OUR SACRIFICE! SO LONG AS WE STAND TALL AND PROUD, SO LONG AS WE STAND AND FIGHT..."

As she face the incoming monsters, with her javelin in hand, the people that had been weakened slowly stood up. As she looked behind and saw their faces, she raises her mighty javelin with a thunderous crackle and roar.

"WE MUST KILL THE MONSTERS! TO LIVE IS TO FIGHT! THIS IS OUR MOTTO! WE WILL LET OTHER LIVE AS WE FIGHT! EVERYONE, STAND AND FIGHT!"

"STAND AND FIGHT!"

"STAND AND FIGHT!"

One by one, their voices grew louder and louder, their will had been regained, with their loved ones on the line, they stand.

"THIS IS OUR TOWN! LET'S GIVE EM HELL!"

"I can't believe I nearly shit myself... Brothers, if we live another day, WE DRINK ANOTHER BEER!"

"RAAA!!!"

In unison, they repeated their motto, to stand and fight the incoming storm, one must brave it for what's in line.

As the monsters get close enough, Leona enchants her javelin with lightning element and aims at the monsters. And then, she throws it with a sound of a thunderclap, the monsters that got hit by it all got blasted into bits with nothing but electrified blood.

Finally seeing Leona fight and instantly kill a lot of enemies made everyone's morale boost up. She turns to all of them and jumps down.

"I will fight for this village. Will you fight with me?"

""""""""Yes!""""""""

"I SAID WILL YOU FIGHT WITH ME?!"

"YES!"

She looks at the monsters that hadn't been fazed at all by her surprising attack. Raising her hand, her javelin appears at her hand once more.

"CHARGE!"

""""""""CHARGE!""""""""

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, that part isn't canon btw. I just thought of it as an example of what kind of "event" I'm talking about, and I hope I made my question clear. Thanks!

EDIT: By "blows it up", I literally mean an explosion because his power is fire.

EDIT2: Okay so I'm high right now. I forgot what the context for the monster battle is. The battle wherein the MC (Kuro) literally punches the monster's balls and then explodes it with an explosion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kuro pulls Rin towards him and charges to the monster, with his crossbow loaded. Kuro punched the ground below the Soldier blant with his left arm before disappearing into it as the monster swiped across its huge arm. Underneath it, Kuro came out and attacked its crotch, the most unarmored place with an uppercut. Following the uppercut, Kuro even blew it with an explosion using his fire magic, to ensure its death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note: Blants, it's short for "Black ants" but instead of them just being ants, they're actually huge ass bats that are taller than the average adult when it's standing correctly. The way it traverses the environment is similar to Kana- *EHEM* I mean, Gorillas. They use their long, flimsy yet strong arms as forelegs. They only use their wings when going to far places or migration. What Kuro (the MC) is fighting now, is an evolved Blant, a Soldier Blant. In addition to their eerie appearance, they also have exoskeletons that act as armor plating, with their crotch being the softest and unarmored spot for mobility.

Kuro can teleport to a fixed location, however he needs 2 things, both of which are embers. One by his side, the other at the location of where he wants to go, hence, the crossbow attached to his left gauntlet. He's also wearing light armor, sacrificing durability for mobility.

I'm just saying these things so you guys have a clear concept of the situation so that we won't get screwed up XD

If you want a scene to be impactful you need to describe every sensation vividly. The kind of electrifying tension in the air. The feeling upon impact. The thoughts of impending victory or doom. A teeter totter where you don't know what the outcome will be in the end. The taste of iron from the blood in your mouth as a result of clenching your teeth too hard. The splatter of blood onto your face as it explodes out like a broken fountain spraying crimson droplets of liquid in all directions. The look of conviction in your character's eyes. Their demeanor of solitude, a solemn air surrounding them. A slow-down sequence right before impact where the world felt like it was frozen and your character could see every fine detail around them, a world that only contained the two, his opponent and himself in a direct confrontation where life and death may be uncertain. The sun's rays shining down behind the enemy before him, creating a blinding glare, a bright ring of light in his eyes.

There are many things such as this you can use to add that oomph to the scene you're trying to make memorable. A scene is only truly memorable when you take the time to properly craft the atmosphere for it to be remembered.

 

[RepresentingCaution]

But what can you say about the nutcracker?

 

[Sylverius]

View attachment 9028

So, I did your tip about keeping to just the present verb tense, quite hard ngl since I suck at explaining. Sadly, I suck at making people laugh with scenes, so can I get some of your help if you can?

 

[Muddy]

To me, it feels like your problem here is in the setup, or the lack thereof. You can not have a heavy-hitting payoff without setup. It all goes wrong in your first sentence:

As the monster swarm slowly came closer and closer, the adventurers that stationed themselves at the front line as the people of the town escaped had their eyes well up in tears as they feared the incoming monsters.

slowly came? Really? What is this, a fight scene or a smut scene? Inched, crept, wormed, ... there are dozens of phrasings you can use to convey a sense of creeping dread. Instead, you chose the blandest possible option. Same with the escaping people, and the frightened adventurers: show us instead of telling.

You have 3 events in that first sentence: encroaching threat, fleeing villagers, fearful adventurers mounting a desperate defense. Each of these deserves at least one full paragraph, maybe even more. That's how you'll convey the scope of the threat to the reader. You need to make us really fear for the survival of this town.

... even housed A-rank monsters that even S-rank adventurers have a hard time incapacitating.

The power level! It is over 9000!!!!

What is this? Dragon ball? Ranks and numbers are good for summarizing, not for setting a scene. Have these monsters plow through fields, crash through defensive walls, tear down entire houses, ...

Some peed their own pants, ...

And now you've turned this into straight-up Looney Tunes slapstick.

See my point? By now, I have little to no emotional investment left in me for any of the events unfolding. Your big OOMPH moment isn't something you shape in that exact moment. It's something you prepare for in the setup. Have a good setup, create that emotional investment, and the big moments come naturally.

Someone mentioned One Punch Man. That's actually a great example. MC there finishes every fight in one anti-climatic punch. Despite that anticlimax, it still feels epic because the series spends half an episode building up towards the confrontation.

 

[Sylverius]

slowly came? Really? What is this, a fight scene or a smut scene?

Sorry, I was still quite high when I made that. The word "came" has changed by the internet, lmao

What is this? Dragon ball?

Dragon ball, but no screaming with every punch and no powercreep.

Ranks and numbers are good for summarizing, not for setting a scene. Have these monsters plow through fields, crash through defensive walls, tear down entire houses, ...

Alright, I'll take that into account.

And now you've turned this into straight-up Looney Tunes slapstick.

Wait really? I'm quite new and still have an immature mind, so I don't really know what I've done and stuff.

See my point? By now, I have little to no emotional investment left in me for any of the events unfolding. Your big OOMPH moment isn't something you shape in that exact moment. It's something you prepare for in the setup. Have a good setup, create that emotional investment, and the big moments come naturally.

Alright, I'll take that into account.

Someone mentioned One Punch Man. That's actually a great example. MC there finishes every fight in one anti-climatic punch. Despite that anticlimax, it still feels epic because the series spends half an episode building up towards the confrontation.

Yeah, but for me, seeing as I'm still new to writing novels, I'm having a bit of a hard time trying not to make a novel describe stuff like it's an anime. It might just be me because if so, then I definitely suck.

So, taking your considerations into account, I'd like to change the example scene. If it's not much, please let me know how you feel about it!

 

[RepresentingCaution]

so can I get some of your help if you can?

Too busy holding nipple in my baby's mouth and writing Lewd Poems.

 

[Derin_Edala]

You want this excerpt powerful? This is a sentence-by-sentence storycraft problem, not a content problem.

You can control 'oomph' by controlling how your sentences are structured. Shorter sentences with less extraneous detail are more powerful. (Not sentence fragments; a few of those can help, but too many sound disconnected.) You have too many long sentences full of commas, and doo much random detail, to get through power in this scene. Decide what bits of background detail are necessary here and cut the rest. Move any necessary background detail to earlier paragraphs, if you can.

Active voice has more oomph. Try to make every sentence active if you can.

Cut the adverbs, cut description of anything that isn't what you're focusing on. Adverbs slow the pace and build tension, but bleed power.

Finally, contrast. Your oomphy bit will only read as powerful if it's powerful in contrast to the rest of your story. So you can keep this sort of pace and sentence structure for earlier paragraphs; just remove it where you want the power.

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Not great at writing so take this with a grain of salt, but a few suggestions...

As the monster swarm slowly came closer and closer, the adventurers that stationed themselves at the front line as the people of the town escaped had their eyes well up in tears as they feared the incoming monsters. The monsters themselves were nothing to scoff at, as it even housed A-rank monsters that even S-rank adventurers have a hard time incapacitating. Slowly, the rumbling became more and more tense. Some peed their own pants, some cried in panic, while some had already fainted.

Underline sentence sounds like you're fitting too much all in one sentence. Agree with Muddy. Try break it up and mix it with long and short sentences to describe it. Otherwise, you're just summarizing it and that isn't too great when you want to describe any scene, regardless whether it is combat/fight scene or a relation/tensions buildup scene.

Roars were being heard, making the adventurers fear for their lives.

Atop the gates, the guild leader, Leona shouts.

"REMEMBER WHY WE ARE HERE! AS WE FIGHT, THEY MUST LIVE ON AND WARN THE OTHERS SO THAT THEY WOULD NOT EXPERIENCE OUR SACRIFICE! SO LONG AS WE STAND TALL AND PROUD, SO LONG AS WE STAND AND FIGHT..."

As she face the incoming monsters, with her javelin in hand, the people that had been weakened slowly stood up. As she looked behind and saw their faces, she raises her mighty javelin with a thunderous crackle and roar.

As K5Rakitan mentioned, you mix past and present in a sentence. Its something I have a lot of trouble with too. Sometimes it feels alright to mix both types in sentence: as this person mentioned. Thu most times, it is best to stay consistent one tense.

One by one, their voices grew louder and louder, their will had been regained, with their loved ones on the line, they stand.

I feel like the you could drop a semi colon in here somewhere or split the sentence. Past and present tense stuff again.

In unison, they repeated their motto, to stand and fight the incoming storm, one must brave it for what's in line.

As the monsters get close enough, Leona enchants her javelin with lightning element and aims at the monsters. And then, she throws it with a sound of a thunderclap, the monsters that got hit by it all got blasted into bits with nothing but electrified blood.

The initial scene mixed in past and present tense. This sentence threw me off as it switched back to present tense. Also, the underline part sounded like someone retelling a scene to me. You can cut out the "And then" so it doesn't feel like you're telling me instead of showing it.

Finally seeing Leona fight and instantly kill a lot of enemies made everyone's morale boost up. She turns to all of them and jumps down.

She looks at the monsters that hadn't been fazed at all by her surprising attack. Raising her hand, her javelin appears at her hand once more.

Didn't highlight all areas with past and present tense mixing, cause unsure on some of them, but just color coded the ones that made me have to pause and reread the sentence again.

The first scene had a lot of dialogue but doesn't describe much of the scenes in detail throughout. Feels like summary/script for dialogue mostly.

Kuro pulls Rin towards him and charges to the monster, with his crossbow loaded. Kuro punched the ground below the Soldier blant with his left arm before disappearing into it as the monster swiped across its huge arm. Underneath it, Kuro came out and attacked its crotch, the most unarmored place with an uppercut. Following the uppercut, Kuro even blew it with an explosion using his fire magic, to ensure its death.

The monster swiped across its huge arm? Or swiped to get at Kuro? Feels bit weird reading the middle two sentences of this paragraph.