Description/Synopsis Feedback Needed!

[KoyukiMegumi]

Hi guys! I would like some feedback on my synopsis/description of the story. I don't know if I should add more, or if this is okay or I don't know. But I feel like it's missing something and I don't know what... There are currently 9 chapters posted if you would like to read a bit to help me add to it or I don't know. I just know... or feel like something is missing in it and since it is my first try and I am a nooblet. I don't know how to make it better unless I ask for help.

This is for my Story Gate which is: Romance, Fantasy, Adventure, Smut mainly with a lot of dark themes and gore.
I guess I can say it is a story where the main protagonist goes through the wringer as a child and has to learn to live rather than die as the years go by.
I welcome any feedback. I don't mind if you hate it. Just tell me why and how to fix it, if there is fixing it that is.
Added link *I big brain myself there*
Description I have at the moment is:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/302097/gate/

Lilith was born a witch in a world where everyone saw witchcraft users as abominations. In a fateful encounter, the young witch noticed a lycan boy who played with his friends while out on an errand for the coven. She hid in the shadows, hoping to catch moments of what she wished her life was.

Fate was a fickle thing, though. One day, the same wolf boy found her and pulled her out into the light. There a relationship bloomed with all that it entails. But in a world where witchcraft was an utter abomination, would their relationship survive the stigma?

Will she be able to overcome her trauma?

Or will the agony known as living be too much for her to handle?

*Edits to Sypnosis~ This is hard*

Pst, I think I added stuff. I don't know if I made it better or worse though!
Divided the block... Hopefully, it is better.

I think I am getting there! Maybe...

Well... Better than where I started! Thank you, everyone!

 

[Deleted member 45782]

As always, please post your story link in the thread if you want feedback.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

As always, please post your story link in the thread if you want feedback.

Oh, it's in my signature, but I will do that now, thank you!

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Oh, it's in my signature, but I will do that now, thank you!

Yep. We SHF users prefer laziness.
Story link in thread = 1 click direct to story link.
Story link in signature = 2 clicks. 1 on user profile, 1 on story link.
No story link? = 2-3 clicks. Google story or user ScribbleHub, and if we can find it, then click on story link.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Yep. We SHF users prefer laziness.
Story link in thread = 1 click direct to story link.
Story link in signature = 2 clicks. 1 on user profile, 1 on story link.
No story link? = 2-3 clicks. Google story or user ScribbleHub, then click on story link.

Good to know! I will never forget this lesson, sensei!
*Should have known since is lazy herself*

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Synopsis doesn't attract me. There's no hook at the end to make me want read more. But of past and present tense going on in some of the sentences make it less smooth to read too

Story wise is probably just bc it's not really my cup of tea I guess. Stalker part made me lose interest.

 

[RepresentingCaution]

I recommend throwing in a question or three to entice the reader. See the descriptions to my books - links are in my signature.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Synopsis doesn't attract me. There's no hook at the end to make me want read more. But of past and present tense going on in some of the sentences make it less smooth to read too

Story wise is probably just bc it's not really my cup of tea I guess. Stalker part made me lose interest.

Thank you for your feedback! I will try to improve on that.

The story I knew was not for everyone. She starts a bit of a stalker, but that is because she doesn't know how to interact with anyone. A child who never grew with the interactions needed sadly.

Anyway, I appreciate it! And will try to work on my horrible Synopsis. *Goes to try to fix it a bit*

I recommend throwing in a question or three to entice the reader. See the descriptions to my books - links are in my signature.

Thank you! I will read yours and try to do that.

 

[Ellieporter]

Hi guys! I would like some feedback on my synopsis/description of the story. I don't know if I should add more, or if this is okay or I don't know. But I feel like it's missing something and I don't know what... There are currently 9 chapters posted if you would like to read a bit to help me add to it or I don't know. I just know... or feel like something is missing in it and since it is my first try and I am a nooblet. I don't know how to make it better unless I ask for help.

This is for my Story Gate which is: Romance, Fantasy, Adventure, Smut mainly with a lot of dark themes and gore.
I guess I can say it is a story where the main protagonist goes through the wringer as a child and has to learn to live rather than die as the years go by.
I welcome any feedback. I don't mind if you hate it. Just tell me why and how to fix it, if there is fixing it that is.
Added link *I big brain myself there*
Description I have at the moment is:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/302097/gate/

Lilith was born a witch in this forsaken world. Everyone views the witchcraft users as evil beings that only existed to cause harm and chaos! Not only that, but the poor child was living under an abusive coven, who locked her up whenever she failed an examination before beating her daily. Until the day she noticed a lycan boy who played with his friends during one errand the dreadful sisters sent her in. The moment she spotted his radiant smile, she could not take her eyes off the young wolf boy. Unable to help her curiosity, even though she knew it would anger the sisters if they caught her, the young girl tried to study the boys whenever she could. But she would never allow herself to be seen by anyone. No... that would mean another beating, or worse. But fate was a fickle thing. One day while she stalked the boys from the alley's shadows, the boy who had caught her attention first found her and pulled her out into the light. There a relationship blooms with all that it entails. Will their connection overcome the stigma witches have? Or will her trauma end up consuming her?

*Edits to Sypnosis~ This is hard*

Pst, I think I added stuff. I don't know if I made it better or worse though!

Sounds cool

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Sounds cool

Does that mean I made it better?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! *Jumps happily*
Thank you!

 

[Snusmumriken]

I've taken a very quick look. It looks like the beginning of a slice of life fantasy, so I am not sure what is the purpose of the implied abuse and the ilk. She didn't strike me as behaving in a way a victim of constant abuse would.

The main issue I would suggest you concentrate on would be pacing:

- you have a lot of run-on sentences. a perfect example would be the 1st sentence of the 1st chapter after "years passed"
- separate the dialogue from your paragraphs it's hard to see where people talk and where descriptions or inner thoughts begin.
- your synopsis right now is one solid block of text. It feels daunting to look at yet along read it in its current form.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

I've taken a very quick look. It looks like the beginning of a slice of life fantasy, so I am not sure what is the purpose of the implied abuse and the ilk. She didn't strike me as behaving in a way a victim of constant abuse would.

The main issue I would suggest you concentrate on would be pacing:

- you have a lot of run-on sentences. a perfect example would be the 1st sentence of the 1st chapter after "years passed"
- separate the dialogue from your paragraphs it's hard to see where people talk and where descriptions or inner thoughts begin.
- your synopsis right now is one solid block of text. It feels daunting to look at yet along read it in its current form.

Thank you for the lovely feedback! I am not a professional writer, but I will try my best to fix those issues with pacing! I think I can do the dialogue one easy but the other one will take me some time. But I will learn.

*Hopefully!* *Goes for a second try on Synopsis!* Long... Block... hm... how do I fix that. Let's see.

Question about the abuse theme though... Is there a way people with abuse interact? Because most of the time, from my experience at least, one doesn't realize until it is too late. Sometimes these people don't show it or are just dead inside. Maybe we notice once we see a bruise others just hide it so well that they don't want trouble. Kind of when some suicides happen. Sometimes we can see them from miles away, while others, well, they just happen. We never saw it coming. At the moment, Lilith is a retrieved girl that doesn't interact with others for fear of consequences in the first chapter until well the ML takes her out of her zone. I don't know how far you went into the plot, but I would love to know where, so I know how much you have seen about her life. Maybe I did not explain myself well enough or portrait her pain.

 

[Snusmumriken]

I think it's the beginning of chapter 1. Her actions in the stalking scene painted her to me as inquisitive but shy. Not abused one. She was actively seeking these new experiences as she mentioned afterwards. Which meant she still had the spirit to explore and venture forth that wasn't broken yet.

She also mentioned I think that watching them reminded her of things she didn't have which I found odd as doing something like that meant she was actively trying to make herself feel more depressed. I would expect her to act bitter seeing them have fun that she never had or could, not empathetic to their happiness.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

I think it's the beginning of chapter 1. Her actions in the stalking scene painted her to me as inquisitive but shy. Not abused one. She was actively seeking these new experiences as she mentioned afterwards. Which meant she still had the spirit to explore and venture forth that wasn't broken yet.

She also mentioned I think that watching them reminded her of things she didn't have which I found odd as doing something like that meant she was actively trying to make herself feel more depressed. I would expect her to act bitter seeing them have fun that she never had or could, not empathetic to their happiness.

Oh, that is because her spirit isn't broken. She is still a child so I guess there would be bitterness while watching the boys, but at the same time, she isn't hateful because of things she has experienced. A little further in the story, it shows why she is that way. She fears the consequences of her actions. She isn't the typical abuse victim that is resentful and hates everything, but the one who blames herself for everything that happens.

She thinks she causes everything. And refuses to allow herself to be filled with hatred like those who hurt her. She thinks she beats her abusers by being like this. Her will is strong, but it eventually snaps in chapter 3 I think. That is when she shatters after the two years she endured after her mother's passing.

Maybe I don't know how to do a sympathetic victim though.

 

[Snusmumriken]

Well, that was my perception of the MC from the first part of the story.

It just her curiosity and subsequent active decision to stalk clashes with your statement that she fears the consequences of her actions. - she is already actively putting herself into a risky situation.

And children are very impressionable. for them every little thing feels and looks like the most drastic event. Which is why I said it felt like it didn't fit the promise of some very dark abuse later on. She didn't feel to me like one who was abused that significantly as you are warning me she was.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Well, that was my perception of the MC from the first part of the story.

It just her curiosity and subsequent active decision to stalk clashes with your statement that she fears the consequences of her actions. - she is already actively putting herself into a risky situation.

And children are very impressionable. for them every little thing feels and looks like the most drastic event. Which is why I said it felt like it didn't fit the promise of some very dark abuse later on. She didn't feel to me like one who was abused that significantly as you are warning me she was.

Well, the extensive abuse I warn about in my description doesn't happen until chapter 3 where it is taken from the occasional beating when she gets something wrong 20% to 100% where the grandmother is crazy. It happens in a ritual that she endures to open the Gate, which is where the story really starts.

It is true children are very impressionable, but at the same time they can bounce back when they want something. At this time she is 10 and was abused for 2 years. She still remembers a better time before the beatings started, and since they have not caught her, it is like a child that steals and knows its wrong but will continue to do so until caught at least once.

This is also with the plan the grandmother has for her. She wanted her to reach for something before destroying it from her. A lot is explained in the later chapters. In reality, the adult is making the child as she got away with it while in reality she was being watched all along.

I am enjoying talking about this with you very much, by the way. Puts things into perspective and allows me to learn how to change certain things. Maybe the synopsis is all wrong. Trying to edit it at the moment. Since it is the first time I have it, I don't know much about how to do it right.

 

[Snusmumriken]

yeah, I think from what you have told me you need a synopsis that tells more about the overall feeling of the story rather than the summary of the first chapters.

Because it is definitely not the vibe I've gotten from your story compared to your last post. But my first points still hold true - make sure your text is broken into discrete chunks that deal with one action at a time so to speak. it is fine if you end up with few small paragraphs as long as your overall prose is easy to digest.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

yeah, I think from what you have told me you need a synopsis that tells more about the overall feeling of the story rather than the summary of the first chapters.

Because it is definitely not the vibe I've gotten from your story compared to your last post. But my first points still hold true - make sure your text is broken into discrete chunks that deal with one action at a time so to speak. it is fine if you end up with few small paragraphs as long as your overall prose is easy to digest.

I did some edits on it, hopefully; it is better. Though, I still feel like it lacks. Because I keep placing the first few chapters. Maybe the concept of it is lost to me! I want to get better, I really do.

 

[Snusmumriken]

It is better. definitely easier to read.

I would say for the synopsis you want to give a taste of what your novel is about. Not exactly describing it - but the emotions the reader would experience while reading it. So a thriller or a horror would probably go for an ominous synopsis. While a mystery one would be filled with questions. so on as so forth. It should also have some sort of a hook to lure new readers - something that readers would get curious about and want to start reading to satisfy that curiosity. ( Just as your 1st chapter should have the same a lot of readers won't read past it.)

 

[Mysticant]

Still too wordy in my opinion. You don't need Lilith's life story nor her obsessions. This is just my opinion but...you can add more catchy points but the details in between feel really unnecessary imho

Lilith was born a witch in a world where everyone saw witchcraft users as abominations. She lived under an abusive coven, who locked her up whenever she failed an examination before beating her. Even in the bleakest of moments, she desired a brighter future.

In a fateful encounter, the young witch noticed a lycan boy who played with his friends while out on an errand for the coven. Captivated by his radiant smile, she grew curious. 'How could he smile like that?' Yearning to learn more about him, yet fearful about her sister's reaction if they were to find out about this. She hid in the shadows, hoping to catch moments of what she wished her life was.

Fate was a fickle thing, though. One day, the same wolf boy found her and pulled her out into the light. There a relationship bloomed with all that it entails. But in a world where witchcraft was an utter abomination, would their relationship survive the stigma?
Will she be able to overcome her trauma?
Or will the agony known as living be too much for her to handle?

---

This is my first story. I hope you enjoy it! I welcome any feedback! Don't be afraid to leave any type of comment! Positive or negative, I have something to learn from all of them! Thank you so much for giving this story a shot!