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[TheTrinary]

I'd be more than obliged if you took a look at my story, Free Agent.

Free Agent

Erin Razor uses her coffee to get through the day, her motorcycle to get around Meridian City, and her constant research to survive what she - and most of the world - is pretty certain is a computer-generated reality. Had she known a career in programming would put her in...

www.scribblehub.com

So obliged that I wanted to make sure to return the favor. I took a look at the first chapter of Syche. (I am skipping the prologue per your own rules, not sure if its a personal preference or just your attempt to cut the meat of a story. I know I have a preference away from prologues personally.)

I much appreciate you sort of starting in the middle of things, rather than going through a lot of explanation of the world, the elements, what your key worldbuilding elements are without action to show them at work first. I gather you are big on show not tell, and there is a lot of showing here, so much so that I feel like this is a scene that acts more like the pre-credits stinger, intending to interest readers rather than reveal the world's rules.

I liked it a lot. You have a clear rapport between Joshua and Kael. You clearly define their intention towards hunting rumors and myth. You also do some interesting world building, discussing thermals and the like. I really enjoyed the slow build and approach to "former and new nations" which implied a lot of state instability overall, rather than long running nations. Joshua and Kael's mixed animosity leaves a lot of questions on the table, given their relatively antagonistic partnership. I want to see if this is a new or long running reaction, if this signals a growing strife or just familial rivalry. I'd assume the former but I get along well with my sibling, ha. I was vaguely interested in the warm orange liquid as well, just a small world detail, which seemed to imply a wholly different world of food. I like seeing practically alien worlds with their own gastronomy, so it was a nice touch to show the audience.

You've left a lot of questions on the table as well. We didn't get to see how Kael would have handled the issue at all, so we are still not sure how much more different this world is from ours, beyond some geological ones. We also don't have a clear understanding of what position Kael and Joshua are regarding the job and collateral damage. Do they need to earn the money from the task or was Kael just messing with Joshua about ovals? Are they worried about killing that horse and possibly a child and possibly wrecking the car? These are all things that could be answered later, of course, but they are the first questions I had when I saw the consequences of Joshua's actions (let alone if Kael had incinerated the kid). These are perfectly fine questions, and I plan to read more to see how some of them play out.

I think the only thing that I had been really confused about was why an electric car would "roar" to life, but this world might use artificial sound generators in electric cars, to warn pedestrians of their approach and reduce fatalities? No big thing, just a sort of contrast of technology to action. If you wanted to make a different foreshadowing element, you could signal the car with a sudden increase in light from behind.

Would keep reading.

It's an incredibly fresh and unique take on a story. I was worried right out of the gate when I thought you were just being contrivently meta, but those meta elements were of course world building, plot building, character building. And that premise is incredibly effective. The idea that these people are essentially slaves is fascinating. That alone is enough to create a conflict I'm invested in.

The prose is very good for the most part. There are those sentences or paragraphs that read so smoothly. I've told other people this, but sometimes you can just read a paragraph or two and know you like it. This was very much the case for your work, although I did have a few issues here and there. Not necessarily with grammar or sentence construction, just with how the information was being given. You're someone who would also benefit greatly from a line editing of your work. Just awkward bits here and there in something that is otherwise pretty smooth.

Character-wise, I'd say good if not great. It's a little hard to separate the narrative voice from the character themselves since I haven't read anything else from you. And I suppose they might as well be the same thing.

I have two minute issues. First, you don't establish that its a superhero world until the very end. I was horribly confused what scene you were painting with "beast hunter". I thought this was a very janky fantasy world where a character from Monster Hunter could go to Starbucks until its pointed out later that he's a superhero. Ohhhhhhhhhh. By the time we get to the end I'm fine with it since I understood what you were going for all along, but might as well establish that early. There's really no reason not to.

And then the other thing was the final sentence, about how she would die at the end of the story? At first I thought it was a bait and switch and Erin wasn't the MC, but reading your description and some of the other chapters, clearly she is. . . . So that's all kinds of bizarre. You're telling us she remains a slave until she dies. Implying that the central conflict you set up for us won't be resolved and that she will die. There's certainly been other stories that have told you the ending in advance (Dune) but they are accomplishing very particular things by doing so. And while we're only one chapter in, I don't see this working out. If it just said she dies, then we know its a story about her being free or not. But then, you tell us both facts. I'm genuinely curious why you are telling us this information.

Overall great and I'd probably tie it with the third best thing I've read on this thread. It's a weird fantasy or maybe even Westworld style story and its got all the potential in the world. The only reason I don't pin it right now is that last line of information. I just don't get what the hook is I guess? What are we supposed to be attached to? Why are we being told this? And how does knowing it make the story better? HMU, I really want to know why.

 

[Hadassah]

And then the other thing was the final sentence, about how she would die at the end of the story? At first I thought it was a bait and switch and Erin wasn't the MC, but reading your description and some of the other chapters, clearly she is. . . . So that's all kinds of bizarre. You're telling us she remains a slave until she dies. Implying that the central conflict you set up for us won't be resolved and that she will die. There's certainly been other stories that have told you the ending in advance (Dune) but they are accomplishing very particular things by doing so. And while we're only one chapter in, I don't see this working out. If it just said she dies, then we know its a story about her being free or not. But then, you tell us both facts. I'm genuinely curious why you are telling us this information.

Interesting that the last line ended up catching you so hard. Its probably the newest edition and my attempt to try to clearly end the first chapter with a hook, rather than have it end sort of... drifty. Originally, my chapters were much much longer, but I wanted to post something for more than 14 weeks, even if I posted one chapter a week, so chapter ends were sometimes more or less conclusive in this new cut.

I wasn't confident with the line, already, so my attachment is very low. Obviously its causing at least one potential reader to bounce off it hard, but I appreciate the explanation of your visceral reaction. It doesn't help that it loads a promise that I don't execute in this book. (Erin's death happens in the second book, which I am still writing).

Little did she know that the rest of her life would be spent cleaning up the coffee spilled by Protagonist until she died.

Its already a little repetitive. "Rest of her life" and "until she died" perform the same work, technically; the second part is just more whammy. I'm caught between just softening it up and implying instead she's going to have to larger ramifications beyond herself, or just nixing the line all together. If you like the following line a little better, I will replace that for sure. Otherwise, I may just kill and live with drifty and just be worried about it for no reason forever, ha.

- "Little did she know that the rest of her life would be spent cleaning up the coffee spilled by Protagonists across her world."

---

As far as superheroes go, I'll look into mentioning it more clearly up front. Originally, I was planning traditional publishing, which has a large aversion to superheroes conceptually, so I was trying to catch an agent's eye who might bounce off a heavy genre fiction but grab onto the speculative fic hooks. More a foible of different audiences than an intentional bit of misdirection.

I will look into getting another line editor at some point, but at this point, eight drafts later, I am kind of glad to just be posting this rather than trying to seek perfection. A website like this seemed more forgiving than trad publishing, which I'm decidedly done with for now.

I am glad you liked the conception overall! My goal was to hit on the opposite spectrum of meta fiction, where it was far closer to creeping horror than constant humor, especially for the natives, and I am glad it worked.

Cheers and thank you for your insight!

 

[TheTrinary]

Interesting that the last line ended up catching you so hard. Its probably the newest edition and my attempt to try to clearly end the first chapter with a hook, rather than have it end sort of... drifty. Originally, my chapters were much much longer, but I wanted to post something for more than 14 weeks, even if I posted one chapter a week, so chapter ends were sometimes more or less conclusive in this new cut.

I wasn't confident with the line, already, so my attachment is very low. Obviously its causing at least one potential reader to bounce off it hard, but I appreciate the explanation of your visceral reaction. It doesn't help that it loads a promise that I don't execute in this book. (Erin's death happens in the second book, which I am still writing).



Its already a little repetitive. "Rest of her life" and "until she died" perform the same work, technically; the second part is just more whammy. I'm caught between just softening it up and implying instead she's going to have to larger ramifications beyond herself, or just nixing the line all together. If you like the following line a little better, I will replace that for sure. Otherwise, I may just kill and live with drifty and just be worried about it for no reason forever, ha.

- "Little did she know that the rest of her life would be spent cleaning up the coffee spilled by Protagonists across her world."

---

As far as superheroes go, I'll look into mentioning it more clearly up front. Originally, I was planning traditional publishing, which has a large aversion to superheroes conceptually, so I was trying to catch an agent's eye who might bounce off a heavy genre fiction but grab onto the speculative fic hooks. More a foible of different audiences than an intentional bit of misdirection.

I will look into getting another line editor at some point, but at this point, eight drafts later, I am kind of glad to just be posting this rather than trying to seek perfection. A website like this seemed more forgiving than trad publishing, which I'm decidedly done with for now.

I am glad you liked the conception overall! My goal was to hit on the opposite spectrum of meta fiction, where it was far closer to creeping horror than constant humor, especially for the natives, and I am glad it worked.

Cheers and thank you for your insight!

Mmm yeah. I don't think I love either version of that line. It's less about death and more about the first half. And I think it really comes down to a hook. For me, I was already hooked. The natural conflict with these people as slaves. So each version of that line feels like an anti-hook. "That thing you latched on to isn't the point of the story."

It feels like what you are going for there is a stinger more so than a hook. And in either case, I would just ask what do you want your reader to be feeling? Is it just something to generate shock? I know its hard to look at your own work and figure out how to feel, but think of any story with a first chapter you really like and try to imagine a similar sentence at the end. How does that first chapter feel now?

Trying to think of a universal story to use as an example so I'll go with the original Star Wars. Imagine if you were reading it as a novel and the original chapter was Princess Leia sending those secret plans off before the Empire captures her. It ends with C-3PO and R2D2 with the plans escaping and then the last line of text says "But it wouldn't ultimately matter, because the Empire was going to win anyway with or without those plans." I'd be confused. They just invalidated their opening. Is the conflict not about the Empire? Why show us this scene then?

Which makes the question pretty obvious: What is your book about ultimately? What is the overall conflict? What's the story you are trying to tell? I guess it's impossible for me to comment without knowing that. I just know that the elements you set up are invalidated by every version of that last line. I know I'm getting repetitive at this point, but I hope that helps.

You're spot on with the agents not wanting superheroes right now, but kind of missing the point even if you were going trad publishing. What's the point about lying about what your work is? You have to put your foot down and say "this is what it is, and this is what I wanted," regardless of who is reading it. And then with agents, you should have a query anyway if you went through the process properly, so they'd know it was superheroes anyway.

And then I really like how you described it as "creeping horror". That's totally the vibe I got. So on that front, mission accomplished.

 

[SkeletonLord]

Just gonna drop my new novel here too

Benevolent Skeleton + Evolution = ?????

At the World Serpent's Belly, a skeleton wakes up. So, Who is this Skeleton? Hmm. Maybe, the Skeleton knows who he is. But the important part is, what does he do? He takes a bath. Where, you ask? In the digestive fluids of the World Serpent. How does it feel,...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Just gonna drop my new novel here too

Benevolent Skeleton + Evolution = ?????

At the World Serpent's Belly, a skeleton wakes up. So, Who is this Skeleton? Hmm. Maybe, the Skeleton knows who he is. But the important part is, what does he do? He takes a bath. Where, you ask? In the digestive fluids of the World Serpent. How does it feel,...

www.scribblehub.com

Mm yeah. Why not.

Normally I turn this stuff down out of hand, but you have a light conversational tone that works. It's moderately funny and that generally works too. And really the only negative is that some of the humor goes a bit too far, but it was just like two times.

So overall, would keep reading. Especially in the context of someone who enjoyed this specific. . . genre? I don't know what to call it.

 

[SkeletonLord]

Mm yeah. Why not.

Normally I turn this stuff down out of hand, but you have a light conversational tone that works. It's moderately funny and that generally works too. And really the only negative is that some of the humor goes a bit too far, but it was just like two times.

So overall, would keep reading. Especially in the context of someone who enjoyed this specific. . . genre? I don't know what to call it.

Can I know the two times the humor went too far? I will work on them. Also, are there any ways to know, whether your content is borderline or just crossed the line and became cringe? Just wanted few tips on that
Also, thanks for the feedback

 

[Hadassah]

Mmm yeah. I don't think I love either version of that line. It's less about death and more about the first half. And I think it really comes down to a hook. For me, I was already hooked. The natural conflict with these people as slaves. So each version of that line feels like an anti-hook. "That thing you latched on to isn't the point of the story."

It feels like what you are going for there is a stinger more so than a hook. And in either case, I would just ask what do you want your reader to be feeling? Is it just something to generate shock? I know its hard to look at your own work and figure out how to feel, but think of any story with a first chapter you really like and try to imagine a similar sentence at the end. How does that first chapter feel now?

Trying to think of a universal story to use as an example so I'll go with the original Star Wars. Imagine if you were reading it as a novel and the original chapter was Princess Leia sending those secret plans off before the Empire captures her. It ends with C-3PO and R2D2 with the plans escaping and then the last line of text says "But it wouldn't ultimately matter, because the Empire was going to win anyway with or without those plans." I'd be confused. They just invalidated their opening. Is the conflict not about the Empire? Why show us this scene then?

Which makes the question pretty obvious: What is your book about ultimately? What is the overall conflict? What's the story you are trying to tell? I guess it's impossible for me to comment without knowing that. I just know that the elements you set up are invalidated by every version of that last line. I know I'm getting repetitive at this point, but I hope that helps.

You're spot on with the agents not wanting superheroes right now, but kind of missing the point even if you were going trad publishing. What's the point about lying about what your work is? You have to put your foot down and say "this is what it is, and this is what I wanted," regardless of who is reading it. And then with agents, you should have a query anyway if you went through the process properly, so they'd know it was superheroes anyway.

And then I really like how you described it as "creeping horror". That's totally the vibe I got. So on that front, mission accomplished.

Totally get it and agree. Your generic example is a perfect one. The line doesn’t make sense because I’m not writing the story from the perspective of luke or the droids. I’m writing the character from the perspective of the poor bar tough that got his hand lopped off for annoying the wrong old man in Amos Eisley. I’m weighting a much larger result than the story really gets to.

And I don’t disagree, I should own the superhero-as-setting of it more. It wouldn’t be hard to make it clearer upfront, at least.

 

[TheTrinary]

Can I know the two times the humor went too far? I will work on them. Also, are there any ways to know, whether your content is borderline or just crossed the line and became cringe? Just wanted few tips on that
Also, thanks for the feedback

I would have to reread the entire thing, I genuinely don't remember off the top of my head. And at the end of the day, humor is 100% subjective. You really can't base every joke on one person's sense of humor. If you're happy with what you have go with it.

 

[Sylverius]

Hey man! So, you might remember me and I actually took your advice (and a few others') and remade my novel. I actually lengthened it out a bit this time before finally having the courage to ask you to criticize this again. This will be the final revision of my novel. I hope I've improved somewhat, but be warned because I have word counts that reach up to a thousand. I hope this novel would give you good thoughts about it this time.

King: The Silver King’s echo - Chapter 0 – Prologue, The legend of Gaia | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[NathanTKenny]

I haven't used this forum in a long time, though I'd still love to know your opinion on the opening chapter of my post-apocalyptic horror novel. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

FROST - Chapter One | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Hey man! So, you might remember me and I actually took your advice (and a few others') and remade my novel. I actually lengthened it out a bit this time before finally having the courage to ask you to criticize this again. This will be the final revision of my novel. I hope I've improved somewhat, but be warned because I have word counts that reach up to a thousand. I hope this novel would give you good thoughts about it this time.

King: The Silver King’s echo - Chapter 0 – Prologue, The legend of Gaia | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I don't remember you based on this. . . what was your previous work called? I feel like I would be able to tell if it was similar.

Anyway on to the review. Would keep reading with an asterix.

So this is a prologue and boy is it ever. It's that epic, Similarian prologue where we get into all the gods and myths. And as far as that goes I quite like it. It's not perfect, but there's a lot of creativity and its interesting. You read it and get the impression you've really thought everything out. Even though the writing isn't great, the content is enough to keep me going.

And then we have the asterix which is the second half. And really its an asterix because I don't know what the second half is. I'm assuming its literally just you the author telling curious readers things about their world and its not meant to be storytelling? Its got that direct conversational tone ands its an info dumb. If its just an aside for people who care it's fine, albeit weird. If I was supposed to read that and be entertained, I honestly would stop reading. If its the former, just include it as its on thing as like a foreword or appendix or something. Or be more clear as to the intent? So many people are meta in their story telling, I honestly feel like it could go either way.

I haven't used this forum in a long time, though I'd still love to know your opinion on the opening chapter of my post-apocalyptic horror novel. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

FROST - Chapter One | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Is your avatar Chloe? Any who.

So this is the sort of opposite of what I normally get in that I'm not too thrilled with the hook (for personal reasons over conceptual ones) but would still give it a thumbs up on the whole because its well done.

There's not a TON to talk about here. Its certainly different in style and goal than the normal type of stories for web writing (at least on forums like this) and its almost doubly interesting because of its quality. Namely its rough around the edges. There's frequent odd choices and words that I'm pretty sure are just wrong. Not to say its bad or the prose is weak, you generally have a strong voice. It just reads like it hasn't had a second pair of eyes to ask questions. And the reason that's odd is that you normally see the more down to Earth dramas in any venue have a pretty meticulous "writing group" polish.

Once again, not an evaluation either way. Just talking about little oddities that stick out. I haven't seen a ton of writers in your position and I love new things.

And yeah. Positives like I said. You have a generally good voice. Characters have personality. And the one thing that I absolutely adored was at the very end with the description "gunmetal sky". I don't know if you took that from somewhere else, but legitimately. Best thing I've seen written down in months.

After reading your story. I'm leaning heavier in the "avatar is Chloe" category.

 

[NathanTKenny]

I don't remember you based on this. . . what was your previous work called? I feel like I would be able to tell if it was similar.

Anyway on to the review. Would keep reading with an asterix.

So this is a prologue and boy is it ever. It's that epic, Similarian prologue where we get into all the gods and myths. And as far as that goes I quite like it. It's not perfect, but there's a lot of creativity and its interesting. You read it and get the impression you've really thought everything out. Even though the writing isn't great, the content is enough to keep me going.

And then we have the asterix which is the second half. And really its an asterix because I don't know what the second half is. I'm assuming its literally just you the author telling curious readers things about their world and its not meant to be storytelling? Its got that direct conversational tone ands its an info dumb. If its just an aside for people who care it's fine, albeit weird. If I was supposed to read that and be entertained, I honestly would stop reading. If its the former, just include it as its on thing as like a foreword or appendix or something. Or be more clear as to the intent? So many people are meta in their story telling, I honestly feel like it could go either way.

Is your avatar Chloe? Any who.

So this is the sort of opposite of what I normally get in that I'm not too thrilled with the hook (for personal reasons over conceptual ones) but would still give it a thumbs up on the whole because its well done.

There's not a TON to talk about here. Its certainly different in style and goal than the normal type of stories for web writing (at least on forums like this) and its almost doubly interesting because of its quality. Namely its rough around the edges. There's frequent odd choices and words that I'm pretty sure are just wrong. Not to say its bad or the prose is weak, you generally have a strong voice. It just reads like it hasn't had a second pair of eyes to ask questions. And the reason that's odd is that you normally see the more down to Earth dramas in any venue have a pretty meticulous "writing group" polish.

Once again, not an evaluation either way. Just talking about little oddities that stick out. I haven't seen a ton of writers in your position and I love new things.

And yeah. Positives like I said. You have a generally good voice. Characters have personality. And the one thing that I absolutely adored was at the very end with the description "gunmetal sky". I don't know if you took that from somewhere else, but legitimately. Best thing I've seen written down in months.

After reading your story. I'm leaning heavier in the "avatar is Chloe" category.

Awesome! Would you be able to tell me which words might be used incorrectly? I wouldn't be surprised either way; I frequently misuse words like hollow-cheeked, but sometimes I use words that have greyish definitions, so it's like "Ahhh, I'll let that pass, for now." XD

And yes. It is Chloe Price from Life is Strange!

 

[Sylverius]

I don't remember you based on this. . . what was your previous work called? I feel like I would be able to tell if it was similar.

*Sad Cries*

Also, about the chapter I sent you, from the title itself, yeah. It's basically me just telling the readers about the common legend that was told and its world. That chapter is basically something like a "Trailer" of some sort. It was because after making that, I had to take a Hiatus due to sudden school projects and the surprise announcement of my exams. I forgot to tell you that that's an optional chapter since that chapter will be separated and distributed to other different chapters. Sorry about that.

Even though the writing isn't great, the content is enough to keep me going.

Sorry, this is the first novel I've produced and I'm not so great when conveying words due to my social problems. But, I'm actually quite glad that you liked it! I'm happy that this prologue actually gave you a good impression.

If I was supposed to read that and be entertained

It's just to inform you of the world, don't worry.

 

[TheTrinary]

Awesome! Would you be able to tell me which words might be used incorrectly? I wouldn't be surprised either way; I frequently misuse words like hollow-cheeked, but sometimes I use words that have greyish definitions, so it's like "Ahhh, I'll let that pass, for now." XD

And yes. It is Chloe Price from Life is Strange!

"a small place with a little over one thousand residents and a little under five inches of snow sprawling from junction to junction. She lived in an even smaller house at the end of a cul-de-sac on Robert Avenue"

The first one makes no sense. You're describing the city generally. There obviously hasn't be five inches of snow uniformly on the ground there at all times at every point in her life. Are you trying to say it never gets more than five inches?

The second one is just silly. The Mc's house was smaller than the entire city? Like, literally true but. . . just kind of nonsensical as far as comparisons go.

"She was your grandfather's—your father's father. This is a weird one. So the phrase is modifying grandfather's (possessive) not grandfather. I'm fairly certain that you are saying the dog is the grandfather. It's either: She belonged to your grandfather– your father's father. OR She was your grandfather's– your father's father's. I know this one seems super nitpicky, but I had to stop and reread it because I was confused on the first passthrough.

"They were roommates for a while" Just a weird thing to describe when what you are describing is them dating. That's the sort of word people use to ignore or deny the fact people are living together while dating, especially for homosexual couples. Just use living together. I think its made even worse because while that paragraph implies they are dating or sexually involved in some capacity, it never outright says it and settles on "roomates". Later on a few paragraphs later is actually the first time you say dating or boyfriend or whatever.

Anyway that's what I remember off the top of my head. I know there were a few others where I was like: that's not quite right. And I know the father one is nitpicky. Anyway, hope that helps.

 

[NathanTKenny]

"a small place with a little over one thousand residents and a little under five inches of snow sprawling from junction to junction. She lived in an even smaller house at the end of a cul-de-sac on Robert Avenue"

The first one makes no sense. You're describing the city generally. There obviously hasn't be five inches of snow uniformly on the ground there at all times at every point in her life. Are you trying to say it never gets more than five inches?

The second one is just silly. The Mc's house was smaller than the entire city? Like, literally true but. . . just kind of nonsensical as far as comparisons go.

"She was your grandfather's—your father's father. This is a weird one. So the phrase is modifying grandfather's (possessive) not grandfather. I'm fairly certain that you are saying the dog is the grandfather. It's either: She belonged to your grandfather– your father's father. OR She was your grandfather's– your father's father's. I know this one seems super nitpicky, but I had to stop and reread it because I was confused on the first passthrough.

"They were roommates for a while" Just a weird thing to describe when what you are describing is them dating. That's the sort of word people use to ignore or deny the fact people are living together while dating, especially for homosexual couples. Just use living together. I think its made even worse because while that paragraph implies they are dating or sexually involved in some capacity, it never outright says it and settles on "roomates". Later on a few paragraphs later is actually the first time you say dating or boyfriend or whatever.

Anyway that's what I remember off the top of my head. I know there were a few others where I was like: that's not quite right. And I know the father one is nitpicky. Anyway, hope that helps.

Yeah I fixed the first to convey there was always at least 5 inches of snow. Ty :)

The thing about the grandfather would be a case of "naturalism vs semantics". It's not that it says the father of her father was the dog, it just repeats that grandfather was her father's father. I've changed it to "She was your paternal grandfather's dog."

Semantics are things that discourage me from writing; because if anyone reads line-by-line then the story will change, and hence I will never write anything down if I keep thinking this way. A lot of writing is just people getting a rough gist of it, as opposed to "this means exactly what it says", if that makes sense. I'm reading Barclay and he does something similar, but you can figure it out based on context and the way people talk.

 

[TheTrinary]

Yeah I fixed the first to convey there was always at least 5 inches of snow. Ty :)

The thing about the grandfather would be a case of "naturalism vs semantics". It's not that it says the father of her father was the dog, it just repeats that grandfather was her father's father. I've changed it to "She was your paternal grandfather's dog."

Semantics are things that discourage me from writing; because if anyone reads line-by-line then the story will change, and hence I will never write anything down if I keep thinking this way. A lot of writing is just people getting a rough gist of it, as opposed to "this means exactly what it says", if that makes sense. I'm reading Barclay and he does something similar, but you can figure it out based on context and the way people talk.

I get what you mean with semantics, but I included it because it didn't feel right. If something doesn't feel right I bring it up. If its technically wrong but seems fine, then I really don't care.

 

[Scribbler]

I get what you mean with semantics, but I included it because it didn't feel right. If something doesn't feel right I bring it up. If its technically wrong but seems fine, then I really don't care.

I read your first chapter and skipped the prologue, so forgive me if any of my dislikes are remedied by it.

It's definitely not bad. You introduced your characters, a bit of your world, and the premise in one fell swoop. But my main issue with it is that the story feels as if it's starting too late. It feels like a second or third chapter rather than a first. What do they call it, in medias res?

The premise reminds me a lot of the show Supernatural, a pair of brothers/hunters investigating some supernatural mystery, but the thing with Supernatural is that it begins by showing us why we should care about the mystery or supernatural happenings - what is the cost or emotional core. The show takes its time at the beginning of an episode for the townspeople to endear themselves to the brothers.

But here, we start in the middle of the action. Like it's already happened, the brothers have already done their research, they've already set themselves up. Now, yes, those two exact things don't sound like the most interesting things on a technical level, and it can be said that simply establishing that they've already done those things is better for your narrative in the sense that it gives quick and concise exposition, but it's also at a cost for motivation.

Like we know physically and literally what is happening, but we don't know why.

I feel as if you've fallen into the trap of an exciting beginning over an interesting one. It's like you're asking the readers to care by giving out mysteries and questions, instead of giving them a reason to care through either stakes or character motivation.

 

[TheTrinary]

I read your first chapter and skipped the prologue, so forgive me if any of my dislikes are remedied by it.

It's definitely not bad. You introduced your characters, a bit of your world, and the premise in one fell swoop. But my main issue with it is that the story feels as if it's starting too late. It feels like a second or third chapter rather than a first. What do they call it, in medias res?

The premise reminds me a lot of the show Supernatural, a pair of brothers/hunters investigating some supernatural mystery, but the thing with Supernatural is that it begins by showing us why we should care about the mystery or supernatural happenings - what is the cost or emotional core. The show takes its time at the beginning of an episode for the townspeople to endear themselves to the brothers.

But here, we start in the middle of the action. Like it's already happened, the brothers have already done their research, they've already set themselves up. Now, yes, those two exact things don't sound like the most interesting things on a technical level, and it can be said that simply establishing that they've already done those things is better for your narrative in the sense that it gives quick and concise exposition, but it's also at a cost for motivation.

Like we know physically and literally what is happening, but we don't know why.

I feel as if you've fallen into the trap of an exciting beginning over an interesting one. It's like you're asking the readers to care by giving out mysteries and questions, instead of giving them a reason to care through either stakes or character motivation.

Yeah you're parroting a lot of the complaints I've heard so far, although mostly that's for my second chapter. That's the one that's typically hit or miss in terms of establishing the stakes and whether there's enough of a relatable core to the Mcs. That same take on the first chapter is surprising though.

It's a very short story mentality, which if you're looking at only the first chapter, that kind of works with. But also pretty natural given the structure. Saying that everything needs to be stablished in the first paragraph if not the first sentence. While I don't disagree that those things are good. . . it wouldn't work with what I'm trying to achieve in the introduction. It's supposed to evoke the start of a classic fantasy novel ala the Wheel of Time. Farm boy looking around for the black rider and then flip it on its head with the last half page or so. It's supposed to be a nice warm blanket where you say: "yeah I know what this is and what its doing", but then you find out you don't know jack. It's like a little magic trick. So my hook is that surprise. Someone shaking their finger and saying 'you got me' and then wanting to find out what the story is really about in chapter 2.

Won't work for everyone but I knew that writing it. A lot of what I'm doing will appeal to people very family with very classic tropes and story telling devices. A lot of what my story does is play with those and screw around with what they mean in a different narrative. You have to write what you know and would want to read, so for me thats going to be from the pov of someone who's read literally everything. And that same vein of "I'm writing it for me" is also a problem. When Sanderson writes three prologues, starts media res, and doesn't introduce the MC from his POV until like, page 100, no ones cares because he had written 7 books before and people trusted him as an author. When I try to get fancy and do 10% of that, it isolates people because I have no foundation or credibility. It can just come off weird rather than purposeful.

 

[Yuumei]

I'm not certain if you're still reading/rating the first chapters. But I'd be glad if you could give my first chapter a look for Code Reader Kagami. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/240051/code-reader-kagami-litrpg/

 

[TheTrinary]

I'm not certain if you're still reading/rating the first chapters. But I'd be glad if you could give my first chapter a look for Code Reader Kagami. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/240051/code-reader-kagami-litrpg/

Would keep reading with an asterix.

And I'll go ahead and start with the asterix. Change you damn formatting. I have to scroll just to read the next paragraph. It's absurd. Double space it in word or just use the site's default formatting.

On to the story. Yeah good start. You spend a full chapter building things up which I like. You go in a different direction with Mc as a single father and that's interesting. His death is appropriate to the chapter and interesting.

On the complaint side your prose slips a bit between tenses. And then it got a little confusing when he called a cab. . .? You don't stay consistent with your descriptions and you use some language that doesn't make sense in any context. This is all doubly confusing since the character is in a fugue state and confused himself. So take another look over that section and clean it up a bit.

But yeah. Solid.