Relationships and Romance. What is "needy"

[Jemini]

Ok from this thread i am getting two types of neediness
"I want you to spend every waking of my life with me. Do not leave me alone for more than 3 hours. "
and
"It's ok if you leave me but please listen to my problems sometimes.I really need your company once every two days to feel better."








So like if a person doesn't actually need you to always be with them to be happy or asks you to leave your friends for them.
but every once or two days requires psychological support is it needy.
Like as long as you provide that you can be sure that she won't be sad moping on the floor or something.

Though i am getting where you are coming from. It can be pretty life ruining if you can't enjoy the moment if you constantly worry about if your partner is enjoying herself .
Like you are having casual conversation with the friend or admiring the sky and then you start thinking. Hey is my partner moping on the floor again alone. How do i make him not sad. I am anxious.I feel bad for him.
Friend:Hey bro you suddenly got lost in thought again.

but if it's like you can actually be sure that the person is not feeling dejected alone if you had provided him company like once a week then is it still needy.

Like she needs you but only for a short amount of time and if you do spend that time with her then she doesn't need you.

Most people here are giving the extreme examples, but really any degree of neediness leads to bad outcomes.

Even as little as needing to gripe about their problems to someone who will listen can become bad if they are constantly complaining about every little problem they have in their life. Those are the kinds of people who just can't look at the good things in life and don't know how to make the best of their situation. They just want to complain and are constantly seeing the worst in others while seeing themselves as victims. These types of personalities are the type that will actually become worse if you validate their feelings.

People who can't solve their own problems are bad too. If they have several things going wrong in their life, and all of them are things that a stronger person would have already solved on their own, you might feel compelled to come in and start helping them to sort out their life and get it in order. This is a kind of passive neediness. It is also bad. The kind of person who would allow their life to fall apart like that is the type who will constantly have problems in their life. They will also start to resent you for constantly butting into their life, and you will also start to resent them for constantly allowing their life to fall apart. It is another bad situation.

I have seen enough of these bad situations to honestly say any degree of neediness is bad. You need a partner who has their shit together, or at the very least is capable of getting their own shit together with nothing more than a little bit of light urging form you (and who will not resent you for giving them that urging.)

General rule, if you find yourself doing things for your partner that they ought to be doing for themselves on a fairly regular basis, it's not a good relationship.

 

[Deleted member 45782]

but every once or two days requires psychological support is it needy.

Define psychological support. If it is just emotional/mental/support yeah. If they have some real deep things that need help, it may be best they need to see someone official help like a psychologist therapy.

Like as long as you provide that you can be sure that she won't be sad moping on the floor or something.

Though i am getting where you are coming from. It can be pretty life ruining if you can't enjoy the moment if you constantly worry about if your partner is enjoying herself .

I think you're missing the point here. People who have been in needy relationships that went up toxic aren't exactly worrying about how their partner is enjoying themselves, its about them feeling like they cannot breathe cause their partners don't give them enough room to breathe. They may not want their partner on their minds taking up their thoughts, actions, and time 24/7, especially if their partner is constantly in their face or on their phone 24/7.

Like you are having casual conversation with the friend or admiring the sky and then you start thinking. Hey is my partner moping on the floor again alone. How do i make him not sad. I am anxious.I feel bad for him.
Friend:Hey bro you suddenly got lost in thought again.

This is more of you worrying about how your partner feels. A lot of people in romantic relationships fall in love with one another and do worry about one another because they care for one another. So that is normal. Not too excessive that they take over everything you do.

but if it's like you can actually be sure that the person is not feeling dejected alone if you had provided him company like once a week then is it still needy.

I think that is not about needy. This really depends on the relationship. Some relationships are fine not to be with each other 24/7, they have their hobbies, their own friends, their own works, but they still somehow make it work and love each other. Other relationships you see those people being with each other a lot of their time together. Every relationship and how they display affection and care is different.

Like she needs you but only for a short amount of time and if you do spend that time with her then she doesn't need you.

That just sounds like she is using you.

Healthy relationships know sometimes you don't cling to a person 24/7 and sometimes even partners want to have space. Not everyone can be with someone right away when they are working, hanging out with friends or fam, etc. Sometimes those really needy ones start to become control freaks and dictate your life, dictate your choice. You feel trapped or it feels draining.

Relationships can be explained in a hundred different ways. And its hard to explain them in writing, which is why some have trouble writing romance. So maybe not explaining in the right way. Just realize that don't fall just because they are a gender, fall because they click with you be it the personality clicks, shared hobbies, shared common values, etc.

 

[someonesomeguy]

I think you're missing the point here. People who have been in needy relationships that went up toxic aren't exactly worrying about how their partner is enjoying themselves, its about them feeling like they cannot breathe cause their partners don't give them enough room to breathe. They may not want their partner on their minds taking up their thoughts, actions, and time 24/7, especially if their partner is constantly in their face or on their phone 24/7.

well no because then if we go by like then "if there partner gave them room to breathe the relationship won't be considered needy" but from what i have gotten even if partner gives them room to breathe it can still be needy if one is constantly worried about the mental needs of others.

 

[Deleted member 45782]

well no because then if there partner gave them room to breathe the relationship won't be considered needy but from what i have gotten even if partner gives them room to breathe it can still be needy if one is constantly worried about the mental needs of others.

Do you mean the needy person themselves constantly worrying about their significant others?

Or the person who has to constantly think about the needy person in their life?

 

[someonesomeguy]

Or the person who has to constantly think about the needy person in their life?

normal person is constantly worried about needy person even though needy person doesn't actually always force them to be with them

Most people here are giving the extreme examples, but really any degree of neediness leads to bad outcomes.

Even as little as needing to gripe about their problems to someone who will listen can become bad if they are constantly complaining about every little problem they have in their life. Those are the kinds of people who just can't look at the good things in life and don't know how to make the best of their situation. They just want to complain and are constantly seeing the worst in others while seeing themselves as victims. These types of personalities are the type that will actually become worse if you validate their feelings.

People who can't solve their own problems are bad too. If they have several things going wrong in their life, and all of them are things that a stronger person would have already solved on their own, you might feel compelled to come in and start helping them to sort out their life and get it in order. This is a kind of passive neediness. It is also bad. The kind of person who would allow their life to fall apart like that is the type who will constantly have problems in their life. They will also start to resent you for constantly butting into their life, and you will also start to resent them for constantly allowing their life to fall apart. It is another bad situation.

I have seen enough of these bad situations to honestly say any degree of neediness is bad. You need a partner who has their shit together, or at the very least is capable of getting their own shit together with nothing more than a little bit of light urging form you (and who will not resent you for giving them that urging.)

General rule, if you find yourself doing things for your partner that they ought to be doing for themselves on a fairly regular basis, it's not a good relationship.

i agree with this part
"General rule, if you find yourself doing things for your partner that they ought to be doing for themselves on a fairly regular basis, it's not a good relationship."
but i disagree with rest of the part.
If someone would resent me for butting in there life then i would just stop butting in.
ok wait

So is it like this .
needy person"i am sad because of [X]"
you: "then simply do this"
needy person "no"
then you get angry cause they are not following your solution but still complaining.


EDIT: Oh i get what you mean. They need your help with there problems . Like help me get this done. Talk to this person for me. Talk to coworkers. Buy me this.

but then if you give them advice which they can do themself they get angry and refuse to follow it.

So like they need help to prevent effect of problems but they won't take your advice about the cause.


SO passive neediness is fine if they actually follow your advice to help with there situation

EDIT2
i kinda disagree cause if someone makes a choice which i won't recommend it won't make me resent that person even if i have to help with consequences.
Freedom is really important. You are free to live as you like i would help you if needed(within reason).

 

[Vaxel00]

Ok from this thread i am getting two types of neediness
"I want you to spend every waking of my life with me. Do not leave me alone for more than 3 hours. "
and
"It's ok if you leave me but please listen to my problems sometimes.I really need your company once every two days to feel better."

So like if a person doesn't actually need you to always be with them to be happy or asks you to leave your friends for them.
but every once or two days requires psychological support is it needy.
Like as long as you provide that you can be sure that she won't be sad moping on the floor or something.

Though i am getting where you are coming from. It can be pretty life ruining if you can't enjoy the moment if you constantly worry about if your partner is enjoying herself .
Like you are having casual conversation with the friend or admiring the sky and then you start thinking. Hey is my partner moping on the floor again alone. How do i make him not sad. I am anxious.I feel bad for him.
Friend:Hey bro you suddenly got lost in thought again.

but if it's like you can actually be sure that the person is not feeling dejected alone if you had provided him company like once a week then is it still needy.

Like she needs you but only for a short amount of time and if you do spend that time with her then she doesn't need you.

You're reading too much in to it. There's nothing wrong with your girlfriend/boyfriend asking you to spend time together or messaging.

The problem comes when she expects you to be constantly there for her, it's a problem when her life revolves around you and she expects your life to revolve around hers. Why is her happiness dependent on you in the first place? It's not your responsibility to make her happy and she has to learn how to be with her own company.

She has to accept that you're individuals with separate lives, that you might want to do things on your own or with other people. If she has a panic attack every time you do, she doesn't need a boyfriend, she needs a therapist.

 

[someonesomeguy]

You're reading too much in to it. There's nothing wrong with your girlfriend/boyfriend asking you to spend time together or messaging.

The problem comes when she expects you to be constantly there for her, it's a problem when her life revolves around you and she expects your life to revolve around hers. Why is her happiness dependent on you in the first place? It's not your responsibility to make her happy and she has to learn how to be with her own company.

She has to accept that you're individuals with separate lives, that you might want to do things on your own or with other people. If she has a panic attack every time you do, she doesn't need a boyfriend, she needs a therapist.

yeah you are definitely right Vaxel00.

Do you mean the needy person themselves constantly worrying about their significant others?

Or the person who has to constantly think about the needy person in their life?

i might be wrong and over expanding the defintion of neediness to include things which won't come under it. Like if they don't force you it's not needy

 

[Deleted member 45782]

yeah you are definitely right Vaxel00.

i might be wrong and over expanding the defintion of neediness to include things which won't come under it. Like if they don't force you it's not needy

Needy is basically someone wants your attention not just couple times here and there but a lot lot that it starts to effect the relationship.

That is the opposite of you being there for one another when you need someone. <--That is part of what a healthy relationship is.

Needy is someone making you to put everything to a stop in your life to just focus on them. Is it really letting you focus on your own needs? No. This is what I meant when sometimes they don't leave you room to breathe. Sometimes needy relationships don't get extreme to this end, but it can become toxic. <--not a healthy relationship