Hello! New here but have a story I would like feedback on!

[MadmanRB]

So here's the scoop:

Science fiction for ages 7-14 is quite slim outside your normal established series like Star Wars or comic book based series like Batman or Marvel stories.

My goal is to have something new and while I keep my tropes close to my chest I know I have something.

So imagine this:

It's an alien world far from Earth and none of my characters are human, instead I made them a race of humanoid rabbits paying homage to my love of animation.

These humanoid rabbits I call Lapinans and all my main characters are members of this species.

This is in contrast to most animated shows where the characters come from many species.

Now why rabbits? Well humans and rabbits have much in common, we can be very timid at times, and we overpopulate like rabbits

Also, I have a fondness for the story Watership down which shows that rabbits are not so cute or innocent in the wild.

So anyhow here's the world building:

Their race is at least 100 years more advanced than ours and live in a high tech society with hovercars and holograms.

But they still have the same issues we do, crime war, racism etc.

That's why this story is more bounding into science fiction as I do have allegories for most of the events that face our current society sans COVID-19.

I got analogues of the Cold War, racial discrimination and other such issues that still plague us today.

It's not going to be a simple story of hero vs villain as both have reasoning for their actions, the series does start as a superhero story but then evolves into something more.

The superhero stuff is there just to kick off the grander story I have in mind

Now linked is the first chapter and I want to hear your input, yes it is an odd concept but one I had for a while.

Project TBX: The Teknabunnies - Project TBX: The Teknabunnies Episode 1 | Scribble Hub

 

[WasatchWind]

So here's the scoop:

Science fiction for ages 7-14 is quite slim outside your normal established series like Star Wars or comic book based series like Batman or Marvel stories.

My goal is to have something new and while I keep my tropes close to my chest I know I have something.

So imagine this:

It's an alien world far from Earth and none of my characters are human, instead I made them a race of humanoid rabbits paying homage to my love of animation.

These humanoid rabbits I call Lapinans and all my main characters are members of this species.

This is in contrast to most animated shows where the characters come from many species.

Now why rabbits? Well humans and rabbits have much in common, we can be very timid at times, and we overpopulate like rabbits

Also, I have a fondness for the story Watership down which shows that rabbits are not so cute or innocent in the wild.

So anyhow here's the world building:

Their race is at least 100 years more advanced than ours and live in a high tech society with hovercars and holograms.

But they still have the same issues we do, crime war, racism etc.

That's why this story is more bounding into science fiction as I do have allegories for most of the events that face our current society sans COVID-19.

I got analogues of the Cold War, racial discrimination and other such issues that still plague us today.

It's not going to be a simple story of hero vs villain as both have reasoning for their actions, the series does start as a superhero story but then evolves into something more.

The superhero stuff is there just to kick off the grander story I have in mind

Now linked is the first chapter and I want to hear your input, yes it is an odd concept but one I had for a while.

Project TBX: The Teknabunnies - Project TBX: The Teknabunnies Episode 1 | Scribble Hub

Interesting. I'll take a look at it.

 

[MadmanRB]

Cool, really this would be a comic or a cartoon, but I can't draw LOL!
Maybe someday huh? Hopefully sooner or later as I know I am getting old and doing this because I'm bored working from home.

 

[Spica66]

I would like to give you feedback but I couldn't switch my point of view to 7-14 years old. As far as I read your concept, It's amazing. You're using the story to deliver a (key) message(s) which is something that slowly fades away in modern media. It makes your novel valuable.

 

[MadmanRB]

cool, thanks!

And yeah that mindset is hard to get into when you get older, I never quite lost it as I have (functioning) Asperger's and still think like a teen at times.
I am actually an odd bird IRL as I think like a teen, have the spirit of a child but all the knowledge of an adult.

 

[LinXueLian]

And yeah that mindset is hard to get into when you get older, I never quite lost it

Well, it's a pretty lovely thing to be able to write for younger people, children especially. A lot of children's books are written by adults - Kipling was one of these, as was H.C. Andersen.

It's hard to keep wonder and magic in our lives as we wade through it. Very nice that you've been able to contain it!

 

[MadmanRB]

Yeah I do try, mind you I am (mostly) a functional adult here, I can cook, clean and everything.
I mean yes I live with my parents at the age of 39 but I more take care of them then they do me.
The only thing they do for me is drive as I feel unsafe behind a wheel, too many crazies on the road.
When they go... its the bus for me or my sister.

 

[Businesssn]

Well, it's a pretty lovely thing to be able to write for younger people, children especially. A lot of children's books are written by adults - Kipling was one of these, as was H.C. Andersen.

It's hard to keep wonder and magic in our lives as we wade through it. Very nice that you've been able to contain it!

Well do you trust children to write a book

 

[TheTrinary]

Well do you trust children to write a book

I can't say i disagree with the written statement.

 

[MadmanRB]

So anyhow let me talk about this project, its history and hiccups as it's been a bumpy ride for this story:

I have always had an interesting imagination, from childhood to adulthood my brain likes coming up with unique twists on ideas and such.
Project TBX is such an idea and is my oldest one that I am still kicking around as I feel it's the one that could make me stand out and draw in an audience.
Yes I have a lot of cool ideas outside this for many age ranges, for adults I have a detective series featuring a black woman planned, I also have another science fiction series where I take Clarke's third law to its logical extreme and reads more like a fantasy novel because I call my androids "wizards".
But this here is my most developed and is something I feel fills a niche for its demographic.
Science fiction for kids ages 7-14 is limited to say Star Wars or superhero stories but neither are hard science fiction as most have some non science bits in them such as the force or magic powers.
No I wanted to do a 100% pure science fiction series as magic is a dime a dozen for my target demographic especially in the post Harry Potter era.
Thing is I did try this idea in the form of drawing, if one reads what I have you can easily see it as a comic or a cartoon... But I can't draw, at all.
Even stick figures prove a challenge due to the medication I took for my disorder.
But I did find I am decent at writing, so I took the skill I have and pushed it forward.
A process that has taken... sigh over 25 years of my life.
I started this at 15 and now am nearly 40.
Two words folks: Development hell
As I didn't start writing until my 20s due to having my development disorder, did write until my 30s but stopped writing for over a decade.
That's because when I was 30 I lost interest in writing, became more into computers and tech so was doing tech support in that time.
So 10 years, no writing this story.
I did try my hand at writing again a few times between then but more fanfic work really and I had a steady job... but then came 2020 and the pandemic and I found myself at home.
I needed something to do, and I went back to this idea with a new perspective and such.
Now originally I had my characters as cops for simplicity reasons as hey Zootopia made me rethink my "Bunny cop" idea.
But BOOM! Here comes the George Floyd incident, and the Black Lives Matter movement back on camera.
This is why to any potential reader my draft here may feel a little sloppy, its because I felt that no I should not have my heroes as cops but as something else...
But what?
Well there was my new problem, I did not want my characters to be say security guards as my Main character had an arc that related to his father being from law enforcement.
Firefighters? No again same issue plus what about training to know how to fire weapons and other combat skills.
Soldiers? I almost went with this but would have had to totally uproot everything with my story and I already got so flustered about having all this material already written down and have it come to nothing. You must realize that by the time George Floyd happened I already had like 5 episodes/chapters of this story done, and I had so much great material I didn't want it to go to waste... again.
So I came up with what I did, the Guardian Knight concept I came up with was a quick and dirty solution, but one can still work as hey it's a neat world building idea where maybe the law enforcement in my story is a little different from the one in ours and gives my story a bit more flare.
But it did cause some issues I admit like the opening info dump and with me having three completed drafts stitched together to make the product I linked to its no wonder why it has a few issues not to mention I was out of practice with my writing outside Facebook and the occasional forum.
Such issues do go away in later chapters I assure you, but the first five has had it rough...

 

[CadmarLegend]

So anyhow let me talk about this project, its history and hiccups as it's been a bumpy ride for this story:

I have always had an interesting imagination, from childhood to adulthood my brain likes coming up with unique twists on ideas and such.
Project TBX is such an idea and is my oldest one that I am still kicking around as I feel it's the one that could make me stand out and draw in an audience.
Yes I have a lot of cool ideas outside this for many age ranges, for adults I have a detective series featuring a black woman planned, I also have another science fiction series where I take Clarke's third law to its logical extreme and reads more like a fantasy novel because I call my androids "wizards".
But this here is my most developed and is something I feel fills a niche for its demographic.
Science fiction for kids ages 7-14 is limited to say Star Wars or superhero stories but neither are hard science fiction as most have some non science bits in them such as the force or magic powers.
No I wanted to do a 100% pure science fiction series as magic is a dime a dozen for my target demographic especially in the post Harry Potter era.
Thing is I did try this idea in the form of drawing, if one reads what I have you can easily see it as a comic or a cartoon... But I can't draw, at all.
Even stick figures prove a challenge due to the medication I took for my disorder.
But I did find I am decent at writing, so I took the skill I have and pushed it forward.
A process that has taken... sigh over 25 years of my life.
I started this at 15 and now am nearly 40.
Two words folks: Development hell
As I didn't start writing until my 20s due to having my development disorder, did write until my 30s but stopped writing for over a decade.
That's because when I was 30 I lost interest in writing, became more into computers and tech so was doing tech support in that time.
So 10 years, no writing this story.
I did try my hand at writing again a few times between then but more fanfic work really and I had a steady job... but then came 2020 and the pandemic and I found myself at home.
I needed something to do, and I went back to this idea with a new perspective and such.
Now originally I had my characters as cops for simplicity reasons as hey Zootopia made me rethink my "Bunny cop" idea.
But BOOM! Here comes the George Floyd incident, and the Black Lives Matter movement back on camera.
This is why to any potential reader my draft here may feel a little sloppy, its because I felt that no I should not have my heroes as cops but as something else...
But what?
Well there was my new problem, I did not want my characters to be say security guards as my Main character had an arc that related to his father being from law enforcement.
Firefighters? No again same issue plus what about training to know how to fire weapons and other combat skills.
Soldiers? I almost went with this but would have had to totally uproot everything with my story and I already got so flustered about having all this material already written down and have it come to nothing. You must realize that by the time George Floyd happened I already had like 5 episodes/chapters of this story done, and I had so much great material I didn't want it to go to waste... again.
So I came up with what I did, the Guardian Knight concept I came up with was a quick and dirty solution, but one can still work as hey it's a neat world building idea where maybe the law enforcement in my story is a little different from the one in ours and gives my story a bit more flare.
But it did cause some issues I admit like the opening info dump and with me having three completed drafts stitched together to make the product I linked to its no wonder why it has a few issues not to mention I was out of practice with my writing outside Facebook and the occasional forum.
Such issues do go away in later chapters I assure you, but the first five has had it rough...

That was an essay....

 

[MadmanRB]

Yeah it was, and intentionally so as this project wasn't something I cooked up overnight.
In fact here's a timeline!

1995-6 Project creation:
My main character Ralph Bunny actually started as Sonic fan character as a self insert as young writers typically do (he shares my name still as I still liked the word play of my IRL name Ralph Bromley and yes that is my real name not afraid to say it)

1997: Started to spin my characters off from Sonic but still in that universe.

2002: Officially spun the series off in full, did some initial world building called the series The Cybunnies not knowing that was the name of a Neopets character.

2007: Name change year, I had my initial "Cybunnies" story but was warned by someone about Neopets, renamed the series to "Teknabunnies" just in case of legal nonsense.

2010-2020 the hibernation years: I quit the project feeling that due to my lack of art skills I could not make it fly.

2020 resurrected the project out of boredom due to working from home.

Now yes I took considerable measures to ensure I would do things like defuse the "Mary Sue" traits of my characters, especially my main character who is still somewhat of a self insert but only just so as its now in name only mostly though I did give him a few of my own personality quirks such as being rather friendly, polite and intelligent but that's about it.
Yes he gets superpowers in the story but not a lot that can be considered "sue traits"
Yes he will get typical superhero powers, enhanced speed and strength as per genre norms.
The only "sue" power he has is later on he has mild psychic powers, but I do put a hard cap on it.
It is a latent ability even in this first chapter so at least I foreshadowed it, so it doesn't feel jarring when it becomes a major part of his character.
He will in the end have three major psychic powers but with severe limitations:
Foresight but he can't fully predict the future only get glimpses, so he can't alter the future as he doesn't know all the details.
Also: Telepathy but only with other people that have unlocked psychic potential, he can't read the minds of those around him and his telepathy does weaken his foresight capability.
He can also sense people and objects Ala "spider sense" but it has a cap too

 

[MadmanRB]

Second chapter is up!

I have not had a lot of time recently so uploaded later than intended
Project TBX: The Teknabunnies - Project TBX: The Teknabunnies Episode 2 | Scribble Hub

 

[witch_sorrowful]

I did read a bit of your first chapter. And, I have to say, it is difficult to follow. Kids usually want simpler story lines and simpler language.

There are a few key things to remember while writing any story.

1. Show not tell.

He also had light blue eyes, which earned him the nickname “Blue” by his best friend and partner, Sunny Rabbiera.

This is telling me that Sunny is a rabbit, and she knows Ralph. But it's not the way you want to put it. It's like reading a bit of history.
Instead, if you had gone and said

Ralph was still thinking about his dad when a bright voice like sunshine said, "Morning Blue!". A tall, lithe Lapinan girl was standing there. "Morning, Sunny" Ralph replied. She was the only one who would call him that; others tried but most were too intimidated by his large size and grim demeanor.

So here, we have a lot more information coming to the reader. Especially for children, it is important that information be relayed this way because they don't have a lot of attention span. They want something happening in their head, and only then will they latch on to information.

2. Prologues show a tease of what to expect.
As another example, a book for a slightly old demographic, A Wheel of Time starts with a firm information build up in the beginning of the first book. But it is a prologue - where [SPOILERS] the main character of the prologue wakes up to find all of his family dead, and he is told that he has killed them all in a magical madness. It concludes by showing how sadness drives him to commit suicide and the place he dies becomes a mountain.
This is important because the real story doesn't get exciting till the last quarter. The author teases the reader's imagination - it's like a magic trick. It's a promise made by the author.

Similarly, think about Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. The first few minutes is full of action, hooking the reader, establishing the villains, and showing, rather than telling, us who and what kind of person Indiana Jones is.

You have a prologue, and I do think the assassination is a very good place to show us what sort of people the Lapinans are. Only then can Ralph's story come out. If you just dump the information on kids, they might have tons of stuff in their head that they need to sort out. You play it out for them, and they will remember events better than information.

If you wanna learn more about such story telling, I suggest you check out Brandon Sanderson's creative writing course on Youtube. It is really good.

 

[MadmanRB]

Well again this was all a side effect of what i did to try to get this out in the first place.
And sometimes you do have to tell and not show, I just had so much to cover and do with this intro.
Again right now Im more or less writing for adults as I know that they would give me such feedback, without beta readers there isnt much I can do without feedback.
This is why I brought this here in the first place to get feedback and see where i can make this more readable.
I already have a sene of storytelling so no need to read a book and my only issue here was rust as I had not written in over a decade :D
I can fix it though in a few places but right now I am more focussed on moving forward then re writing the first chapter another 800 times.
I already re wrote it at least 10 times by now and there comes a point where you say enough and move forward.
I will go back and edit these later on just not now as I am trying to get my second arc started before summer where my creativity dies and I have no energy to push on.
I want to write four more stories then go back and edit again, if I dont i wont be able to move forward and I already spent months in the trenches here.

Again please forgive any hiccups on my part, i am not a professional here this is a hobby.