Your best joke?

[ThisAdamGuy]

I'm taking a break from Road to Olympus to work on the third book in the Henry Rider: Clown Hunter series. I haven't gotten to it yet, but I think I have the best joke I've ever come up planned for a later chapter, when Henry has to fight a giant sea monster called Dadgum the Y'alldritch Horror. Basically, he's Dagon from the old HP Lovecraft story, but as a redneck. He's still a fifty foot tall fish man, but now he's got sideburns, a beer belly, wears a wife beater, and roars in hillbilly phrases like "WHAT IN TARNAAAAAAAAATION?!" and "GITTER DOOOOOOOOOONE!"

What's the best joke you've ever written?

 

[theInmara]

Our favorite joke (no idea what's the best).

Character 1: "They're a Discordian."

Character 2: "What's a Discordian?"

Character 1: "The opposite of an accordion."

 

[Hans.Trondheim]

I'm taking a break from Road to Olympus to work on the third book in the Henry Rider: Clown Hunter series. I haven't gotten to it yet, but I think I have the best joke I've ever come up planned for a later chapter, when Henry has to fight a giant sea monster called Dadgum the Y'alldritch Horror. Basically, he's Dagon from the old HP Lovecraft story, but as a redneck. He's still a fifty foot tall fish man, but now he's got sideburns, a beer belly, wears a wife beater, and roars in hillbilly phrases like "WHAT IN TARNAAAAAAAAATION?!" and "GITTER DOOOOOOOOOONE!"

What's the best joke you've ever written?

My life.

 

[Frannyattack]

Can't say my best, plus I was often using ones from internet, but one of latest I remember: One Punch Man/BNHA-esque hero society with Yuri harem female MC reincarnated with unfortunate gift of too much strength (ROB asked what she wanted, the answer was "power" - she got muscle power) whose modus operandi is 1. Beat the villain girl into submission 2. Beat the same girl into submission, but in bed 3. Repeat and profit

MC: If there is a problem you can't solve with one punch, you use two
Villain: And if two can't solve it anyway?
MC: Then you skip few steps ahead and go right into fisting

Other slightly obnoxious but I think fitting into setting:
-Naruto fanfic, but Naruto uses thousand years of pain jutsu on girls with super small rasengan as thousand years of pleasure jutsu
-Xianxia with MC whose words "I will rip you a new one" aren't empty promises, but something that actually happens moments later
-not mine and can't remember for life its title, but Marvel fanfic with Deadpool actually being dad and just imagine the mine of gold this thing is when you fuse Deadpool jokes and dad jokes together, tho I remember most were situational
-knock knock joke, but person you try to tell is answers "do it one more time and I will knock you up"

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Don't know about best - those are often impromptu (we had some great moments when I ran the Monty Python Co-curricular Mediaeval Reenactment Programme at TotalCon last year, but those were usually either I set up the players and they ran with it, or they did something that set me up to drop a ruthless punchline...). Have had some that I had a lot of fun with in my two stories here - trying to mimic the style of Raymond Chandler's Philip Marlow with Jack Diamond is a blast and leads to some fun moments (at least for me; does not seem to resonate as well with readers, at least on this site), and the comic-book banter of Sparrow with her "playmates," done in the vein of some of my favorite superheroes like Spider-Man, Nightcrawler, Static or Ambush Bug, has been fun (probably the best is "But did you learn how to use your brain?" "My what?" "My point exactly").

Possibly the best, though, was in an RPG module, Dead Gawd's Hand, in the temple of the Ape Gawd, where the PCs might stumble on an old statue that is half buried and very clearly described as a much smaller version of The Statue of Liberty... Love sight gags, especially written ones... :D

 

[expentio]

Usually situational.
One of my favorites was when one of my two slime MCs was secretly at night hanging out with a young princess while staying at a noble household. One night the other one, who's basically her boss, finds out, follows, and starts holding a long tirade. The other one starts calling her name while being shouted at, but is of course ignored, then the door opens and they are found right in the princess' private quarter and in the resulting silence the slime that was playing with the princess says that she wanted to tell her shouting boss that someone was coming, so they can't escape anymore.
After this, there are other instances where the princess is found playing in an unbecoming way with the slime.

 

[ThisAdamGuy]

Oh, another funny joke from book 3 is that one of the prominent characters is named Opisthia. I'm sure this'll go right over, like, 99% of my readers' heads and they'll just think it's a cool fantasy name, but "opisthia" is actually the Greek word for "buttock" lol

 

[Frannyattack]

I remembered one of my short fanfics from Assassination classroom, where Koro-sensei is actually intelligent enough to fake his death and even get his human body back
1. Scene from laboratorium, when Koro-sensei started singing "Nothing else antimatter", then going through long tirade about science (matter, antimatter and dark matter) and double negative wording in English language ending with "in the end, no matter actually matter". Lots of puns in between, mostly bad puns.
2. After Bitch-sensei came to teach then, entire class started calling Koro-sensei "Octopussy"
3. After getting back human form and still having ability to shape shift he started using his soft looks and tentacle boobas to lure perverts and beat the sheep out of them - not many jokes here, but situations of how they were left half dead in women clothes and sign with their sins written should qualify under this post as well
Ah, no, there were actually jokes. Imagine getting beaten up to hear Koro-sensei's whisper "Did you know? Human anus can open up to seven inches diameter and raccoons can go inside pipes four inches in diameter. I have a raccoon here, let's find out if it's true?"*
*No animal experienced any cruelty while writing this fanfic

 

[Snake99]

-What is the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother?
-Brocco Lee

 

[CharlesEBrown]

-What is the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother?
-Brocco Lee

Well, it did make me feel a little green, so you get points there...

 

[Fox-Trot-9]

What is the formula for sex in mathematical terms?
Subtract the clothes, add the skin, divide the legs, and multiply!

 

[Dieter]

erm, what the ohio?

 

[CharlesEBrown]

erm, what the ohio?

Ohio? That's almost as bad as ... erm... Belgium...

 

[DanielPotter]

I'm taking a break from Road to Olympus to work on the third book in the Henry Rider: Clown Hunter series. I haven't gotten to it yet, but I think I have the best joke I've ever come up planned for a later chapter, when Henry has to fight a giant sea monster called Dadgum the Y'alldritch Horror. Basically, he's Dagon from the old HP Lovecraft story, but as a redneck. He's still a fifty foot tall fish man, but now he's got sideburns, a beer belly, wears a wife beater, and roars in hillbilly phrases like "WHAT IN TARNAAAAAAAAATION?!" and "GITTER DOOOOOOOOOONE!"

What's the best joke you've ever written?

Bang-personality

 

[Bartun]

My jokes are pretty situational so I'm afraid I can't help

 

[ThisAdamGuy]

On the more physical humor side of things, here's an excerpt from the first Henry Rider book:

I charged at [the maiam], raising Splatsy. Just as I swung, though, it sprang into the air, did a backflip…

And then landed on top of me!

“Gah!” I screamed when I felt its cold, clammy hands grab my face. “Sweet holy enchiladas, get it off, get it off, get it off!”

I bucked and thrashed, but the maiam clung to me like a cowboy at a rodeo. Cursing up a buffet, I ducked my head and ran straight toward a wall.

“Eat concrete!” I yelled.

The maiam finally leaped off of me — and I realized too late that I couldn’t stop.

Oh, poopoo pancakes, I thought a split second before crashing headfirst into the wall.

 

[BearlyAlive]

My favorite one doesn't work that well in English.
German original: "Treffen sich zwei Jäger beide tot."
English version (as best as I can translate the pun): "Two hunters are hitting it off, now they're both dead"

 

[Vnator]

-knock knock joke, but person you try to tell is answers "do it one more time and I will knock you up"

Not sure if that's a threat or not, but I'd be curious enough to find out anyway.

 

[SoaringMoon]

My best two jokes, are very long.

Here are the best short jokes I have.

• What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? When you slap one it stops sucking.
• Your momma so nasty she makes Right Guard turn left, and Speed Stick slow down.
• Your momma so nasty she pours saltwater down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.
• Your momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
• How do you confuse a blonde? You paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
• Roses are red, violets are blue; I have a gun, get in the van.

 

[Jocelyn_Uasal]

I just thought of this today and it's terrible

'Why don't we let felons work at dairy farms? - Because they could be moolesters'