Wrote a story about Dysphoria, Mental Illness & Sexuality in an Otome Isekai with multiple Reincarnators.

[AimeEmile]

It started as a vent story to get some steam off, and a self-imposed challenge for no more than 2K words per chapter.

If you can stomach the themes, I'd like to get feedback on the prologue I wrote. (4 chapters, 1K each apart from the 2nd which is 1,9K)

You can be as brutal as possible. I mostly wanted to see if my writing style has been smoothed out (compared to my last 25k per chapter endeavor) and if the themes are interesting. (This was a vent first, a training second and a story third. I wrote in freestyle with no plans laid out.)

I'll read your stuff too if you want in exchange.

A Fragmented Reincarnation

'I am Clementine Lewis.' 'I am Luis Clement.' As I awoke from what felt like a deep slumber, I found myself in front of a murder scene. Corkscrew in hand, there is no way I haven't done it. Voices are splitting my head in two as I feel...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

I gave it an earnest try.
I read most of your first chapter and then looked at the Synopsis.
Which is a section of that chapter.
The way it read to me way very disjointed, but based on the name of the book - that's the intent?
I didn't like how the character seemed to fight with himself / herself and I finally gave up.
I've had my fill of isakei that shows nothing.
There's no build up, there's no story.
Is right into the reincarnation. So many I've seen are identical to this.
Do something original if possible. At least find a beginning that people can bond with. Right now it's just all arguments and confusion - with a nasty habit of having double statements without knowing who's talking. I assumed it was the main character just internally complaining, but I couldn't tell.
My advice? Make it less confusing and give the reader something to want to read from the beginning.

No need to read my things unless you want to. Be well and good luck.

 

[AimeEmile]

I gave it an earnest try.
I read most of your first chapter and then looked at the Synopsis.
Which is a section of that chapter.
The way it read to me way very disjointed, but based on the name of the book - that's the intent?
I didn't like how the character seemed to fight with himself / herself and I finally gave up.
I've had my fill of isakei that shows nothing.
There's no build up, there's no story.
Is right into the reincarnation. So many I've seen are identical to this.
Do something original if possible. At least find a beginning that people can bond with. Right now it's just all arguments and confusion - with a nasty habit of having double statements without knowing who's talking. I assumed it was the main character just internally complaining, but I couldn't tell.
My advice? Make it less confusing and give the reader something to want to read from the beginning.

No need to read my things unless you want to. Be well and good luck.

Thanks! I'll keep that advice to heart.